Fake smile

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

~Nat King Cole, Smile

---

It is so much easier to hide behind a smile, and tell people that “I’m okay, just tired” or that it was just a rough day at work. I have had decades of practice with this tactic, but when did those lies stop working? It was when I started telling other people about having severe clinical depression. After that most people don't believe me and now question when I say I’m okay or just tired.

However there is a great desire to not spread depression’s misery, or cause others to worry. It can put quite a strain on friendship to always respond truthfully that things are often not all that okay. Am fairly positive others are tired and frustrated with hearing about it - and tired and frustrated with trying to offer encouragement all the time... believe that I would be if in their shoes.

Therefore I choose to not lose, or diminish, or wear out, or drive away friendship... I need the love, interaction and contact with others. So the smile is making a comeback in my life, and sometimes I shall be hiding behind it. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Don't worry about me... I'm fine, just tired.

Disclaimer: this new "smiling put on a positive face concept" may or may not carry over to what I choose to write here... after all this blog has become an outlet for healing, part of my self-preservation personal therapy regimen.

Things

"absolute terms, no gray areas"

"We depressives can be downright frustrating. We see everything in absolute terms, no gray areas. We set high standards for ourselves and when they aren't met, we can't accept it. We lash out at our loved ones. We're too wrapped up in our own pain to nurture our loved ones. We may have additional problems like OCD*, ADD*, or BPD*. We may cut ourselves, eat too much, or use drugs and alcohol to take away the pain. We beat ourselves up endlessly because we think we're ugly, unlovable, lazy, and worthless."  
~Nancy Schimelpfening

*OCD: obsessive compulsive disorder
 *ADD: attention deficit disorder
 *BPD: bi-polar disorder

---

Not everything in the quote above is true for all people with depression - but it is nonetheless pretty darn accurate. I don't cut myself, or use drugs and alcohol... however I often find escape through sleep (maybe because I hardly ever dream - so it is sweet oblivion).

Throughout the past few years I have been asked many times about depression, and what others might do to help. I have never been able to provide an adequate answer. Over time I have been doing a lot of reading, searching and pondering on this topic - probably more for my sake than anyone else - and have come up with four categories about depression. These are by no means complete, nor is anything listed in any particular order. Hopefully this will help provide answers, and maybe offer some insights or understanding.

If I have missed something important - please leave a comment and share your thoughts or experience.

Things you should know about depression

• Depression is more common than you think
• There are many different levels and characteristics of depression - from severe to mild, chronic to periodic or situational
• Certain life events or trauma can trigger depression
• Depression can put people at risk for other health conditions
• It is not a choice to have depression - no one would willingly choose that
• A person may not recognize they have depression
• Depression's behaviors are not the real person - please don't take such things personally
• Depression does have specific symptoms
• A number of conditions can contribute to depression (here are only a few)
• low self-esteem
• negative thoughts
• thyroid problems
• hormones
• serious or chronic illness
• imbalance of brain chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters

Things not to say to someone with depression

I have personally heard many of these:

• Just think positive thoughts; it's a matter of choice
• I know exactly how you feel, I was depressed once for several days
• You just need to get some exercise
• It's all in your head
• You should get a different job, or go back to school
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself
• You know better than that
• Look at how lucky or blessed you are
• Everyone has problems
• Life is hard
• Have you tried ____ tea, or ____ vitamins?
• It's your own fault
• You need to pray harder/ repent/ have more faith/ read the scriptures more
• All you need is a priesthood blessing
• I thought you were over that already
• You should just try harder
• Talking with a counselor, or taking medication, does no good
• You're strong, you can handle this
• No one ever said life was fair
• There's always someone worse off than you are (I've even said this one to myself)

Things to say to someone with depression

• I care about you
• I love you
• I'm here for you
• You matter
• You're not alone in this
• You are important to me
• Can I give you a hug?
• You are not going crazy
• There is hope
• You can survive this
• Don't worry, you won't drive me away
• I don't really understand what you are feeling, but can offer my shoulder to lean on
• When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you
• We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through

Things to do for someone with depression

• Knowledge about depression is important - educate yourself
• Be understanding and sympathetic
• Don't give up on them
• Give plenty of reassurance - and repeat often
• Little things will mean more than you will ever think
• send a card
• keep in touch, maybe a short phone call
• even a quick email with a smiley on it will do wonders
• leave a comment on their blog (sometimes I am shameless, LOL)
• Offer to help, and respect the answer if told no thanks
• remember, depressed people are not lazy - for them even simple everyday tasks can be difficult and overwhelming
• Be patient
• Ask if they want to go for a walk, go to a movie, or go out to eat.
• If they don't feel up to it, offer reassurance and ask again on another day
• Encourage them to talk about their feelings
• Listen, don't criticize
• Take care of yourself first - don't neglect or wear yourself out by giving too much

Into the battle

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

The Charge of the Light Brigade
~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1854)

---

In this mortal life I am doing daily battle with the front and center enemy... depression. It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining, accompanied by finite strength and motivation. Being responsible and strong all the time - all day, every day - with constant decisions about anything and everything is very heavy and wearing. I may be moving slow, yet still get up and prepare the best I can for the day’s fight. When there is not one ounce of energy or desire left - something inside keeps me going.

Yet there are times when I just want someone else to take the helm and make all the decisions for me - is that too much to ask?

     “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

A pronounced longing for the promised rest is often present - wondering where and why it seems to be hiding. Depression gives a very believable illusion that the heavens are sealed shut, where prayers bounce off a low hanging lead ceiling. But I hold tight to my faith that He is listening, and it isn’t just a one-sided conversation when I talk to Him through prayer many times a day, and always in my heart.

     Jesus, Savior, pilot me
     Over life’s tempestuous sea;
     Boist’rous waves obey thy will
     When thou say’st to them, “Be still!”
     Chart and compass came from thee;
     Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

     When at last I near the shore,
     And the fearful breakers roar
     ‘Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
     Then, while leaning on thy breast,
     May I hear thee say to me,
     “Fear not; I will pilot thee.”

Hymn: Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me

Dimensional

living in 2-dimensional space
height and width - but no depth
                      ~ Messy Musings

This year I had Lasik surgery on my eyes, and finally got rid of my bifocal glasses. I also started a diet/health plan that has worked quite well for me... have dropped 73 pounds so far (with 44 more until target is achieved). These are two positive things in my life - so why don’t I feel more positive or excited about either accomplishment?

Other people frequently ask me how I am doing, if I have enough energy on this diet plan, and congratulate me on the success - to which I politely say thank you. How do I begin to explain to them that the diet has not really affected me physically (except for losing the weight of course)... my energy levels are much more controlled by the exhaustion of living daily with depression.

Last week I had a 4-day weekend (thanks to a vacation day on Monday, followed by a State holiday on Tuesday). I ended up spending 50-plus-hours straight in my pajamas either in bed sleeping, or sitting in a recliner dorking around on my laptop. It was one of those bad kind of weekends... which I’m not certain I have recovered from yet.

Many years ago I lived in Japan for about 1.5 years. After the first few weeks - it began to feel normal, like I had always lived there. I had a lot more culture shock coming back home than I ever did in going to Japan. Similarly, right now I feel like I have always existed in a flat 2-dimensional fuzzy exhausting non-happy color lacking life. Vague memories of living in a different environment crop up now and then, almost like a dream incompletely remembered and quickly fading.

Thoughts

I thought I thought a thought,
but the thought I thought
wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
So I thought a new thought.

---

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!!

Changing thought patterns is an important part of distancing oneself from depression. Distorted interpretations of thoughts lead to feelings which impact behaviors. Negative or inaccurate thinking contributes to an increase or deepening of depression.

How is it possible to recognize, and then challenge, erroneous thoughts? It is done through a process that I really dislike!! I have always considered introspection, self-observation, or inter-relationship focus... (aka: digging into the why behind thoughts and actions)... as being icky and overly "touchy feely". My style has always been centered around facts, or even opinions - the more logical the better!

That almost sounds like I must have some Vulcan ancestry (a la Star Trek and Mr. Spock)... which thought actually makes me giggle. Since emotion is not a trait of being Vulcan... sigh, I suppose not (she said with sadness).

So what is this "touchy feely" process? One name for it is, cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help if allowed to that is. It is all about developing a more realistic interpretation of your own thoughts, and recognize the serious distortions that depression can bring. Just one example... I knew what other people thought about me, simply by looking at them. I was projecting onto them my own negative thoughts about myself, and creating a lot of un-necessary anxiety. This in turn can lead to even deeper depression.

Basically it is a process of identifying situations or conditions in your life that trigger anxiety or depression. Becoming aware of these will assist in acknowledging false thoughts, emotions or beliefs. Once inaccurate and negative thinking is identified - it becomes easier to then challenge and change.

And of course all of this is easier said than done - especially if you are logic centric - and don't have a competent therapist offering guidance to get through all the "touchy feely" stuff. On this point I have been blessed, but still feel very inadequate to fully cope.

Grandpa?

Live long and prosper! 

Catch up

I'm going as fast as I can

Catching up on my so-called "life" (not to be confused with ketchup - which is pretty much my preferred way to eat tomatoes - but I digress). The following items are listed in no particular order. For more details on why that might be, refer to the sickness listed in item #1.

1. Have had a writer's block infestation the past few weeks - accompanied by the dreaded Idontcare-itis sickness - along with problems being able to focus thoughts or concentrate (attention deficit leading to inane distractions... squirrel!!*)
2. Made it through yet another month of May - tried to make a few "better" memories to help counter the sad ones of both of my parent's deaths in that particular month (in 2002 and 2006).
3. Saturday, May 12th I walked a full 5K (3.125 miles) in the "Race for the Cure" - a fundraising event to help with breast cancer research (my Mom died of breast cancer). First time I participated in something like this - look forward to doing it again next year.
4. And on Sunday, May 20th (10 years to the day of my Mom's passing) I was invited to be part of a choir - singing at a special church gathering (regional conference) in The Conference Center at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It was an inspiring event - both the singing opportunity and listening to the speakers.
5. Last week started meeting again with my former counselor - working on this depression monster. Next appointment she said we will be exploring my fears. On a scale of fears - first is a fear of heights followed closely by a fear of closed-in spaces... which neatly explains why I do not like to fly on airplanes. Next up would be a fear of analyzing my fears (which is actually not a fear - but sure does make me very uncomfortable).
6. Update on the weight-loss side of things. Last time I posted about this, I had lost 31 pounds. As of yesterday morning mark that number at 57 total lost - with 60 more until target weight is achieved. So close to the half-way mark - and still so many more weeks ahead.
7. Finally after about 6-months of work limbo - met my new boss last week. Will be moving to another building around the end of the month. Took them long enough (way more than the promised couple of weeks) - but am glad to finally have things getting settled (even if it almost doubles my commute miles).
8. Thinned the peaches on my four backyard peach trees. Too bad the fruit is not on my current diet plan. So will become the peach gifting fairy when the trees ripen (please note that I absolutely refuse to wear the costume!)
9. The front porch iron railing has been going rusty the past few years. Yesterday I cleaned - sanded/brushed - wiped down - and primed the railing. Sometime this week I need to carve out enough time to put two top coats of white paint on it. Totally switching it up from the traditional black it has always been (which became black with rust).
10. Currently am searching for my misplaced sense of humor. If you find it, please send it home. It is very strange and dry - sometimes with sarcasm thrown in - so should be easily recognized as mine.
11. One of these days I promise to stop making lists and dare to call it a blog posting. Oh who am I kidding... if it gets me writing then so be it!!
12. Am very grateful for certain people in my life who share so freely, and from whom I gain so much wisdom, insight, and comfort. Just got home from a walk, and a truly wonderful conversation with one of these dear people - felt a lot better after talking with her!! (she always seems to know exactly what to say... when I grow up I want to be more like her).

And that, my friends, is pretty much my recent life in a nutshell... a slightly cracked shell with an honest to goodness nutcase inside!!

---

(* funny dog distraction from the movie Up)

What a difference

Wow!! Two blog posts in a single day... a new record for me!! Amazing what a difference only a few short hours can make. A heavy dark cloud has hung over me all this week - and today it was especially difficult to handle. All day I tried not to succumb to the overwhelming pervading darkness - but I just wanted to crawl into my cave like a wounded animal, metaphorically lick my wounds and hide from the world. Dang that sounds way too familiar!! Like I have stepped back to a time and place where depression had complete and ultimate dominance in my life.

So what happened to change the course of the day and make a difference?  I'll tell you what... it was two completely wonderful and seriously funny friends. Days ago they were heaven inspired to invite me over for an evening of playing games (and trying to make one of the cutest little babies ever smile). I love playing games - and I love getting babies to smile!! As a bonus... the little cutie even laughed!!

To be honest - there was a small part of me tempted to "call in sick" and stay home. But I knew from previous firsthand experience that isolation only feeds the depression, and does nothing but deepen the gloom. So I went - and had a GREAT time!! Thank you dear friends for helping me this evening - even if you did so unaware of the precious gift given and gratefully received. Tonight only reinforces my belief in the tender mercies of the Lord - and how He often acts through others to help in times of need.

Dear Life:

When I say, 'things couldn't get any worse' ... 
please remember that is not intended as a challenge!!

Butler and a Corgie

I should have a Butler, and a purebred Corgie dog - just like the Queen of England!! It all goes with my new image of being... snooty! Yes I said snooty!! (aka: arrogant, conceited, snobbish).

It all started a week or so ago when I changed my home and car insurance. In the process also obtaining a separate, and much more robust, earthquake coverage policy - which is underwritten by none other than... Lloyd's of London!! (ooooh - aahhhh)

For me the images associated with that phrase... Lloyd's of London... bring to mind a company that has been around for centuries (started in the 1600's) - and does not concern itself with the common or working-class. (Are you using your best royal English accent while reading this? If not then immediately return to the top and start again!!)

Therefore it should correlate that being insured by Lloyd's of London means I ought no longer entertain thoughts of being a plebeian commoner - but of upper-crust aristocratic blue-blood!! Correct?

ENHHH... wrong answer! (in case you are wondering, that is supposed to be a buzzer sound). Actually Lloyd's of London does do business with the masses and undistinguished. In the immortal words of a simple sailor... "I yam what I yam, Toot Toot!!" ... and that would be simple plain Jane me. But even Janes can still dream about butlers and corgies!

---

postscript:
a few days ago I wrote most of a post for my blog, and saved it as a draft. Yeah it's going to stay a draft indefinitely. Why you ask? Well... I know that I write a lot about dealing with depression on this blog - it helps me to "talk" about it. But re-reading this draft was making me even more depressed (hard to believe, but yeah) - and I can't find it within to publish. So instead this is what you get (and hopefully it is found to be more entertaining, something needed in many lives - including my own).

Comfort zone

"Life for a depressed person can feel flat, lifeless, dark, overwhelming, like a series of failures, exhausting, enraging, joyless, terrifying, confusing, foggy, continually anxious, despairing, and purposeless. Additionally, the inner world of a depressed person may be pounded with relentless thoughts of self-doubt and self-criticism, and an inner, silent, primal scream that says, “Save me! I’m lost and it’s dark.” For many, at the heart of depression is a sense of disconnection from one’s sense of self, from God’s grace and love, from loved ones, and from the pleasures of life."
    ~~Darla Isackson

Does this sound familiar to you at all?
If so, then welcome to the world of depression!

In the article where I grabbed this paragraph from (see link below), the authors talk about being mindful - or "mindfulness". To be honest with you, I have never been comfortable with delving into the "touchy feely" side of things. I am so left brained and visually oriented - that at times it could be considered to be a handicap.

However, that being said, I am seriously considering attempting some of the exercises mentioned in the article. I would like to perform an empirical "experiment" (there's that left brain thinking again) - and see if it works for me or not.

I understand it can be good to get outside your comfort zone... we shall see about that!! There is within me a desire to change, a desire to believe, a desire of hope for something better... and so let the experiment begin! (whew... this could take some time, I'm sure!!)

Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression (part 4):
"Be Still and Know:" Changing the Internal View Through Breathing and "Mindfulness"

Futility

There are days when everything just seems so...

Futile and Pointless.

This is one of those days

So of course I post on my blog about it - even knowing that "this too shall pass" - 

and that life will get better at some as yet unknown point.

Until then...

Resistance is futile
Your life as it has been is over

Exploring options

There are times when a blog post in my own words suffice... talking about personal experiences with depression.

Then there is a time when another's words are simply better!! This is one of those times! I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did!! As the author states:

The understanding of truth which flows from God is the understanding that heals, and God has been dispensing his truth through the minds of willing seekers in all cultures and all through history.
~Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression

(p.s... this article was written with a background focused towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... but there is wisdom in here for everyone everywhere!)

Perspectives

The question is not what you look at, but what you see.
~Henry David Thoreau
____________________________________________

I know, I know... why do do my blog postings not stray very far away from the topic of living with depression? Because it is an every-day reality of my life, and perhaps also for yours (or someone you know and love). Today's topic is all about "perspectives" (hence the title of this post... I'm just so creative). Take a close look at this photo...

• What do you see? 
• Does the image make sense to you at all? 
• From what direction or "perspective" was the photo taken? 
• The photo is attempting to tell a story, but what is it? 
• Are you at all enlightened by its message?

The story of this photo is not easily understood, even by one who may live there. A beginning or ending point really is not found in the image. Could this have come from one of my underwater scuba diving adventures? Perhaps using your imagination, you can perceive some hidden sea life? There!!... did you see it?

Now take a look at this photo. Can you see the image of the previous photo anywhere in here? Yes, it is there... keep looking! I'll make it easy for you... it is an upside-down cut-out view of a portion of the large rock in the left foreground of the larger photo. That's exactly where your eyes and mind focused on and you immediately saw it, correct?

I show this to illustrate how the perspective of someone dealing with depression can be limited, absolutely overwhelming, and skewed. It is as if blinders have been put on, where only small portions of the world can be seen at any given moment. But since all is continuously spinning - much of the time out of control - what one may see as correct is actually upside down. And certainly does not contain the beauty and view of the entire scene. Life often appears as an immense obstacle which completely fills your view.

This limited "perspective" can be true for not only those living with depression... but for anyone who focuses so intently and entirely on a single portion of life. The grandeur of the whole cannot be seen, nor is it believed to even exist.

Life perspectives can improve... not overnight, not immediately, not without effort and a willingness to accept change. Taking time to write things down where they can be seen clearly has helped me (this blog being of great worth in that respect!!). No, I am not yet able to take in the entire beauty of the view offered. But the view is slowly expanding, and at least now I believe it to exist!
____________________________________________

Now on to other less dramatic, but important things...

In my last post, I promised to provide information about my recent Lasik surgery (aka: lasers directed at the eyeballs to improve vision). Which I find to be somewhat funny... if you look at any laser pointer (used for business, hunting, or taunting your pets making them chase a red dot) - they all say something like - "do not look directly into the laser" because it could cause eye damage. Huh?... so why don't we get very large machines, charge copious amounts of money, and tell people that their vision can be improved... by pointing lasers at their eyes!!

Let's just say that I highly recommend taking the Valium pill offered in the pre-surgery part. Nothing like things coming at your eyes to make one get all tense... but with the help of legal pharmaceuticals, that anxiety can be totally handled! I was also given a DVD recording of the whole procedure... haven't watched it yet. Am a bit unsure if I want to or not... at least not watching it alone!!

I still see the world in a somewhat skewed manner (what else is new?). Thanks to the old age need for bifocals (which I absolutely hated and was the impetus for surgery) - I now have what is technically called: "mono-vision"!!

Meaning that one eye (my right) is for seeing things close-up - like reading, computer, talking to friends. The other eye (my left) is for seeing things in the distance - like for driving. It is going to take some time for my brain to adjust to this change... but hopefully it should be used to changes in perspective.

Am already totally loving not wearing glasses (well, except for really cool sunglasses when driving). Only now I have nothing with which to hide the eye wrinkles, dark circles, and bags. Sigh... guess nothing in life is perfect - LOL!!

New eyes

Have you ever wanted to be able to see the world through "new eyes"? Discard the old and somewhat distorted way of seeing to discover a new, and hopefully better way? Casting off the smog and darkness of depression can truly offer a completely different view. The world is still the same - but the manner and viewpoint from which it is seen vastly changes, for the better! A wonderful surprise for me has been an actual enhancement of light and color in my surroundings!! Whoda thunk the world has beauty in it - and isn't just shades of grey and black?

I have had the wonderful experience and blessing of emerging from the shadows of depression - walking and seeing the world around me bathed in light! Not to say the shadows have completely disappeared... they will probably always be there, just over my shoulder... waiting for the chance to pounce and once again overwhelm. That is my burden to be aware of and to constantly guard against. I do this through things like...

• prayer, and embracing God's loving influence
• friendships (both near and far)
• remembering lessons learned in life
• utilizing tools and methods given through counseling, and reading
• and yes... for me there is also medication (among too many other things to list right now)

Did you know that everyone has three eyes? (and here you thought you only had just two... silly you!!). We all have physical, mental, and spiritual eyes from which we view ourselves and the world around. Depression for me seriously impacts that whole mental point of view... and can have a huge influence on the other two eyes as well (physical and spiritual). Each requires attention, to be done without neglecting the other two! It is a delicate balancing act... which brings to my weird mind a vision of someone juggling three eye"balls" in the air at once.

Announcement Time:

As of tomorrow I shall be seeing the world through new physical eyes! Yes, I am going under the knife urrr... make that laser...  and scary as it sounds... am having Lasik surgery! A ban on computers and reading is required for 24 to 48 hours afterwards - but I'll try to post something this weekend about the experience! Personally I think eyeballs are gross (but very necessary, and truly amazing).

So until I next enter the computer blogasphere in a few days... I bid thee all adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow (and hopefully worth it in the end!!).

It takes everyone

My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;
~Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

About a week or so ago, a dear friend and I were talking. She mentioned that even our trials and afflictions are actually blessings. My immediate thought was... well, they certainly wear a great disguise! How can something horrible or painful be remotely considered a blessing?

The more I pondered on this statement, the more I saw truth in it. It is from the hard times that we learn our greatest insights and lessons. Trials and afflictions come with great intensity prior to great blessings. The resurrection of Christ came after the crucifixion. The atonement came after the suffering untold pain in Gethsemane.

This may be difficult to understand, but I am grateful for depression. Huh? What did she just say? How on earth can someone express gratitude for something so incredibly painful and devastating? What I wanted was to escape depression’s intense pain by pretty much any means possible... and instead God gave me friends to hold me close and anchor me to life. God gave me what I needed, when I needed it the most - not what I wanted in the moment - for this and the lessons learned I am grateful.

Does this mean I want to experience again these past years of darkness and indescribable anguish? Oh heck no!! Does this mean I have learned what is necessary to never travel again the path of depression? Sorry to say this is not my current reality (if yesterday was any indication). But what it does mean is that I am stronger today than I was before. I know more today about the devastation of depression than I ever thought possible - and methods to pull out of a downward spiral. I am more able to recognize depression in others, and perhaps have opportunities to share and encourage them when they need a friend to hold them close.

You’ve heard the phrase, "it takes a village". In reality, "it takes everyone"! Everyone reaching out to God - leaning on each other for necessary support - bearing one another’s burdens, that they may be made light. (Mosiah 18:8-10)

I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong
I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to solve
I asked for prosperity, and God gave me brawn and brains to work
I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome
I asked for patience, and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait
I asked for love, and God gave me people to help
I asked for favors, and God gave me opportunities
I asked for everything so I could enjoy life, instead He gave me life so I could enjoy everything
I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed
~ author unknown

Health news

Good news

I've been taking an additional medication to help with depression, and now I'm more upbeat than I've been in literally years (not quite sure how to handle this!!). What is this "miracle drug" you ask? Nothing spectacular, only a form of folic acid that my body can actually utilize. Deplin is the brand name - L-methylfolate is the important ingredient. For specifics, visit the Deplin website. For more personal information on this, visit Melanie at Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman. She is much better versed on the topic than I am... I just know it seems to be working for me!! Thanks Melanie for letting me know about it!!

Bad news

Two weeks ago today, I had a clumsy accident. Me versus a cement staircase... guess who won? Hit my knee square on the front edge of a stair - ouch!! - and did a stunning tweak of my neck and arm. Tension headaches, migraines, aches, pains, and a nice limp (especially when climbing stairs)! Knee x-rays show no evidence of fracture... yippie!! But they do show... "minor patellar spur formation, and mild lateral patellar subluxation". From my point of view, this basically means painful knee for weeks (if not months).

Good news

My doctor told me to go get a good deep massage for my neck and arm. Sometimes it is just soooo difficult to obey the doctor's orders... HA!! Have an appointment setup for tomorrow afternoon (not soon enough for me!!). Thanks Admin Gal for convincing me to finally go see a doctor (convincing/threatening = same thing!!).

Idontcare-itis

This past week I have come down with a serious case of Idontcare-itis. A fairly common ailment that can often occur in conjunction with depression. The layman's definition of this might be... "it doesn't really matter anyway, so why care?"

One side effect of Idontcare-itis is a lack of interest in pretty much anything and everything. This could be a key factor behind why I really do not have much to blog about this week... except perhaps that right now I don't care that I don't care.

You might want to get yourself vaccinated - so you don't risk catching it from me! And wearing a surgical mask might help protect you from the Idontcare-itis germs (plus you would look so cute wearing one!!)

Trust

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
- Goethe

I must have been around 16 or 17-years old, and borrowed the family car to go to the local movie theater with a neighborhood friend. My Dad explicitly told me the conditions for borrowing the car - I was to drive to the theater and back, with no “side trips”. Instead, after the movie my friend and I decided to drive to the neighboring town for an ice cream treat - before heading back home. She and I had a great time, and really were not late in getting back home... so no problem, right? Little did I know that my Dad had gassed up the car earlier that very evening, and had the odometer reading recorded (keeping detailed vehicle records like he always did). I was duly informed the next day that I would not be allowed to borrow the car again, until I had earned back my parent’s trust. I had not followed through with my part of the bargain, and didn’t even bother to inform my parents what I had done - resulting in the loss of trust.

Trust is a principle I have really pondered about lately. Trust in God, trust in other people, and especially trust in myself. It is difficult for me to trust in my own thoughts and feelings. This comes after many years of thought betrayal and distortion - due to the clouds of depression.

In the past I have been completely convinced of something, only to discover through study and therapy the distorted untruthfulness. This is one area where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can really help... to wade through the distorted thoughts and finally discover the truth. It has been a struggle to trust my own feelings and thoughts - not really believing that I have earned the right to trust myself again.

I have recently been praying for help with a certain decision, and have experienced feelings (positive and negative) regarding each path to take. Yet even with positive feedback of one choice, over the negative of another... I still looked for confirmation from a source outside myself.

Not trusting in my own feelings, I counseled with my Bishop (congregation faith leader). I explained to him what the choices were, and how I was searching for an answer to my prayers. In talking with him about the positive and negative feelings I had experienced - he kindly informed me that these feelings were the answer to my prayers.

This has been a wakeup call. Recognizing that lack of trust in myself - was in actuality an expression of lack of faith or trust in the Lord. When I can trust again in my own thoughts and beliefs - then I am ready and available to honestly and openly put my faith in the Lord, and trust in the guidance He so willingly offers.

Am I ready and able to start trusting myself? I certainly hope so!

Blind wanderings

In elementary school I once read a book about a young boy who became blind in an accident involving fireworks. I was fascinated with the story of how he learned to cope with his eyesight loss, learned to read braille, and was finally teamed with a seeing eye dog.

After a long day in school, as I frequently walked alone the four blocks home, I would close my eyes - attempting to understand what it would be like to be blind. I had no cane of course, so would try to have one foot brush the grass lawn along the sidewalk as I walked. With closed eyes it seemed to take so much longer than I thought possible to walk from one yard to the next. Frequently I would end up "cheating" by opening an eye slightly to regain my orientation - and view how much further it was to the next driveway or street corner.

Life was so much simpler as a child than it is as an adult. Now as I walk along life’s path, I am regularly unable to see the way before me - and there is no easy option available to crack open an eye to gain a point of reference. My eyes are already wide open, but unable to see much through the darkness. Sometimes a counselor or friend will walk by my side for a few precious steps, helping to direct with a guiding word here or there - briefly illuminating part of the path with their inner light.

Most of the time I seem to be alone, floundering along stubbing toes and cracking shins on unseen obstacles. In faith I know that I am never truly alone on this path. Even more so than mortal friends - my Savior is always there to guide and help me, with His hand always outstretched.  I can look back on the path trodden, and clearly see places where the outcome would have been very different if not for His guidance through the roughest parts.

It is one thing to look back, to see and know in your mind - and quite another to have the ability to feel in the present. The most depressing part of clinical depression is the tremendous difficulty, or inability, to feel or recognize guidance and blessings of the Spirit in the moment. When I most need to feel God’s will, and know in my heart that I am loved by Him - depression clouds my ability to perceive that comfort.

So I continue stumbling forward (and I admit, sometimes a bit sideways) on life’s path...

• able to see the past
• darkness obscuring the future
• alone in the present
• not really alone, but numb

Eye-lights

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
beach & partial view of roller coaster

Summertime! Summertime when in my mid 20’s and living in California, always meant trips to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Not a ton of rides like some other amusement parks, but seriously probably the best wooden roller coaster ever!!  And of course there is the whole boardwalk atmosphere, with a great beach on which to flop down to enjoy the waves and sunshine!

Inevitably my friends and I would stop at a carnival type booth where you paid a couple of dollars to have the guy guess either your weight, or your age (within 10-lbs or 5-years). Ain’t nobody gonna get me to step on a scale in public to verify my weight... ‘nuff said! So I would consistently opt for the age guess. I always, always, won that contest - and received many a cheap prize at the boardwalk as a result.

People have never really been able to accurately guess my age... which can be a blessing, and a curse. A blessing because, what woman wouldn’t want to look younger than they really are, and seem to age somewhat gracefully? A curse because sometimes people just don’t take you seriously when they probably should... thinking you are a young flibbertigibbet or something. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, because now at least people think I am a more mature sensible mid to late 30’s (yeah, you might want to tack 10-years onto that number!).

There is one more thing about me that other people just cannot seem to correctly interpret either. That would be my eyes. Yes, I said my eyes... they don’t really tell the whole truth. My counselor told me, last year when I started seeing her for clinical depression therapy... that people would not believe me if I told them I have severe depression (heck, they wouldn't believe mild depression either). She said there is a certain light in my eyes which belies what is beneath. Leading others to think all is well with me, and most certainly never clinical depression.

The lesson here is... don’t base opinions on what you see on the surface! That is most likely not the true or whole story for a good number of people! Especially for one such as me, who have become skilled in hiding behind masks... even while leaving my eyes always in full view.