Fear of self

This past week I moved office locations - from one side of the valley to the other, and away from a building I have worked in for 19+ years. I am going to miss the people, miss being there every day, and miss the familiar and beautiful daily drive. As I was packing up, sorting through, and throwing away an accumulation of many things... I came across a small piece of paper I had laminated many years ago. Re-reading these words I was reminded of their beautiful truths, and why I have held onto it for so many years.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my "fears"... thanks to my counselor who helped me onto exploring that thought path. What is it that I seriously fear the most? What fears do I hold onto that may be hindering my growth and progress in the battle with depression? My own personal "deepest fear" is of being cut off from God (and not being able to return home to Him after this mortal existence is over). These re-discovered words also give great insight into fears...

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

Bubble left of center

The other morning while driving to work, that thought which has frittered away in the back of my mind for decades burst itself to the full conscious level.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there is something wrong with me - disconnected and off balance - you might say I am a “bubble just left of center”.

Some might think this indicates "uniqueness”.  Maybe so, but in a dissociative way (distorted and unreal) - kind of like I’m trapped in an MC Escher drawing with no visible way out.

At least his two dimensional drawings (sincerely attempting to be three dimensions, all the while messing with your brain) are located somewhere outside of the box I used to live in. Numbly I go through the motions and activity of life, and think I might be getting somewhere - only to seemingly start over again, and again... caught in a loop.

I have been asked to teach a women’s class (Relief Society) at church this coming Sunday. I love teaching, and honestly look forward to these rare opportunities... but for some reason this time my stomach is all tied up in knots. Probably due to the lesson topic: Rescuing Yourself. How can I lead a discussion with others about rescue, when I do not knowingly find it in my own life? Experience indicates that the teacher usually learns more than the student - hopefully it will prove true this time as well. But inside I just want to pull the covers over my head, sleep, hide, and maybe cry.

Catch up

I'm going as fast as I can
Catching up on my so-called "life" (not to be confused with ketchup - which is pretty much my preferred way to eat tomatoes - but I digress). The following items are listed in no particular order. For more details on why that might be, refer to the sickness listed in item #1.
  1. Have had a writer's block infestation the past few weeks - accompanied by the dreaded Idontcare-itis sickness - along with problems being able to focus thoughts or concentrate (attention deficit leading to inane distractions... squirrel!!*)
  2. Made it through yet another month of May - tried to make a few "better" memories to help counter the sad ones of both of my parent's deaths in that particular month (in 2002 and 2006).
  3. Saturday, May 12th I walked a full 5K (3.125 miles) in the "Race for the Cure" - a fundraising event to help with breast cancer research (my Mom died of breast cancer). First time I participated in something like this - look forward to doing it again next year.
  4. And on Sunday, May 20th (10 years to the day of my Mom's passing) I was invited to be part of a choir - singing at a special church gathering (regional conference) in The Conference Center at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It was an inspiring event - both the singing opportunity and listening to the speakers.
  5. Last week started meeting again with my former counselor - working on this depression monster. Next appointment she said we will be exploring my fears. On a scale of fears - first is a fear of heights followed closely by a fear of closed-in spaces... which neatly explains why I do not like to fly on airplanes. Next up would be a fear of analyzing my fears (which is actually not a fear - but sure does make me very uncomfortable).
  6. Update on the weight-loss side of things. Last time I posted about this, I had lost 31 pounds. As of yesterday morning mark that number at 57 total lost - with 60 more until target weight is achieved. So close to the half-way mark - and still so many more weeks ahead.
  7. Finally after about 6-months of work limbo - met my new boss last week. Will be moving to another building around the end of the month. Took them long enough (way more than the promised couple of weeks) - but am glad to finally have things getting settled (even if it almost doubles my commute miles).
  8. Thinned the peaches on my four backyard peach trees. Too bad the fruit is not on my current diet plan. So will become the peach gifting fairy when the trees ripen (please note that I absolutely refuse to wear the costume!)
  9. The front porch iron railing has been going rusty the past few years. Yesterday I cleaned - sanded/brushed - wiped down - and primed the railing. Sometime this week I need to carve out enough time to put two top coats of white paint on it. Totally switching it up from the traditional black it has always been (which became black with rust).
  10. Currently am searching for my misplaced sense of humor. If you find it, please send it home. It is very strange and dry - sometimes with sarcasm thrown in - so should be easily recognized as mine.
  11. One of these days I promise to stop making lists and dare to call it a blog posting. Oh who am I kidding... if it gets me writing then so be it!!
  12. Am very grateful for certain people in my life who share so freely, and from whom I gain so much wisdom, insight, and comfort. Just got home from a walk, and a truly wonderful conversation with one of these dear people - felt a lot better after talking with her!! (she always seems to know exactly what to say... when I grow up I want to be more like her).
And that, my friends, is pretty much my recent life in a nutshell... a slightly cracked shell with an honest to goodness nutcase inside!!

(* funny dog distraction from the movie Up)