Exploring options

There are times when a blog post in my own words suffice... talking about personal experiences with depression.

Then there is a time when another's words are simply better!! This is one of those times! I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did!! As the author states:

The understanding of truth which flows from God is the understanding that heals, and God has been dispensing his truth through the minds of willing seekers in all cultures and all through history.
~Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression

(p.s... this article was written with a background focused towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... but there is wisdom in here for everyone everywhere!)

Eye-lights

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
beach & partial view of roller coaster

Summertime! Summertime when in my mid 20’s and living in California, always meant trips to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Not a ton of rides like some other amusement parks, but seriously probably the best wooden roller coaster ever!!  And of course there is the whole boardwalk atmosphere, with a great beach on which to flop down to enjoy the waves and sunshine!

Inevitably my friends and I would stop at a carnival type booth where you paid a couple of dollars to have the guy guess either your weight, or your age (within 10-lbs or 5-years). Ain’t nobody gonna get me to step on a scale in public to verify my weight... ‘nuff said! So I would consistently opt for the age guess. I always, always, won that contest - and received many a cheap prize at the boardwalk as a result.

People have never really been able to accurately guess my age... which can be a blessing, and a curse. A blessing because, what woman wouldn’t want to look younger than they really are, and seem to age somewhat gracefully? A curse because sometimes people just don’t take you seriously when they probably should... thinking you are a young flibbertigibbet or something. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, because now at least people think I am a more mature sensible mid to late 30’s (yeah, you might want to tack 10-years onto that number!).

There is one more thing about me that other people just cannot seem to correctly interpret either. That would be my eyes. Yes, I said my eyes... they don’t really tell the whole truth. My counselor told me, last year when I started seeing her for clinical depression therapy... that people would not believe me if I told them I have severe depression (heck, they wouldn't believe mild depression either). She said there is a certain light in my eyes which belies what is beneath. Leading others to think all is well with me, and most certainly never clinical depression.

The lesson here is... don’t base opinions on what you see on the surface! That is most likely not the true or whole story for a good number of people! Especially for one such as me, who have become skilled in hiding behind masks... even while leaving my eyes always in full view.

Mind voices

Do you ever feel like you just don't belong anywhere? Kinda like you are operating in analog, while living in a fully digitalized world - not quite fitting in (and certainly not fully functional). At times I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin - because I know this person I am now is not my true self. She was hidden, or lost, a long time ago (at least it seems that way to me).

I am not really able to exactly remember my true self - the being I was before coming into this mortal realm. Once in awhile I see brief glimpses of her - she is quite spectacular! Then my mind voices harshly tell me it must be a figment of my imagination - and I often believe those cruel voices.

Yes, I have many voices in my head, and they tell me all sorts of things. Some are true, but many are totally false. How can I determine which of those voices I should heed? That is something I am still trying to learn - which can often be a painfully difficult process. There are times when I wish those conflicting mind voices would just go silent - allowing me to ponder and think without interruption!!

I have noticed there are many people who attempt to escape their mind voices using various self-destructive abusive means and behaviors. Then there are others who believe so fully the mind voices, that they lose their current and future selves. Trapped they are not able to see past their own distorted thoughts.

I have decided to not attempt an escape, but instead to take the difficult path of confronting the distorted mind voices - insisting that they prove themselves to be true before I believe them. It is not easy, and I am often deceived by my own mind voices. However with patience and persistence it is my goal to silence the deceitful mind voices, thus allowing the clear voice of my true self to finally come to the forefront. I am sure that I shall be quite bruised and battered before reaching the end of this chosen path. But there is a small voice inside that keeps whispering it will be worth it.