height and width - but no depth
~ Messy Musings
This year I had Lasik surgery on my eyes, and finally got rid of my bifocal glasses. I also started a diet/health plan that has worked quite well for me... have dropped 73 pounds so far (with 44 more until target is achieved). These are two positive things in my life - so why don’t I feel more positive or excited about either accomplishment?
Other people frequently ask me how I am doing, if I have enough energy on this diet plan, and congratulate me on the success - to which I politely say thank you. How do I begin to explain to them that the diet has not really affected me physically (except for losing the weight of course)... my energy levels are much more controlled by the exhaustion of living daily with depression.
Last week I had a 4-day weekend (thanks to a vacation day on Monday, followed by a State holiday on Tuesday). I ended up spending 50-plus-hours straight in my pajamas either in bed sleeping, or sitting in a recliner dorking around on my laptop. It was one of those bad kind of weekends... which I’m not certain I have recovered from yet.
Many years ago I lived in Japan for about 1.5 years. After the first few weeks - it began to feel normal, like I had always lived there. I had a lot more culture shock coming back home than I ever did in going to Japan. Similarly, right now I feel like I have always existed in a flat 2-dimensional fuzzy exhausting non-happy color lacking life. Vague memories of living in a different environment crop up now and then, almost like a dream incompletely remembered and quickly fading.
Congrat's on your weight loss..that is amazing. Depression is exhausting. I had 2 years of horrible depression and I was never so physically and mentally drained. I hope you can get the color back into your life. Fight for it..you can do it!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is sad for you my dear, sweet friend. There is FAR more to you than meets the eye...I wish you could see that. You are a well rounded person because of your trials. Sure, life seems flat and meaningless at times, but there is purpose in that. Just hang on.
ReplyDeleteIf you need an extended vacation, don't hesitate to visit. We would be more than happy to have you. (I mean it).
I know what it's like to live with depression, and it feels like it will never get better. But it can. With treatment my life has gotten so much brighter. You can do this!
ReplyDelete