Enemy within

Sometimes the enemy is within - and I am my own worst enemy.
~ Messy Musings



Have you ever stuck your hand in a pail of water, and then removed it? There are a few small temporary ripples left behind on the water's surface - and then nothing. No lasting impression or indication to mark the fact that "you were there".

That's how I often feel about my life, and what will be left behind once I'm gone. People have told me that isn't true and I accept their words - but don't really believe them. Any "hole" I might leave can easily and quickly be filled... soon even the small ripples of my presence will be gone and forgotten.

Yes, I live with not only depression - but also poor to non-existent self-esteem (all very well hidden away behind a screen). I seem to consistently seek for approval or validation in some way from others - unable to recognize or give it to myself. Perfection is sought for in things that I offer to people, but frequently find I'm pitifully lacking in talent or skills to meet expectations. For myself... "it's good enough" is the prevailing pattern, because to be honest believe most of the time I'm simply not worth the time and effort.

Some may find it difficult to believe or even understand my words and thoughts here. I know many things I accept on some level are just not true - including my distorted self-image. That being said, I try to use this blog for the selfish purpose of being a form of therapy. Writing things down helps me to see truths and possible solutions. The fact that it is made "public" so to speak, also brings a sense of realness that cannot be denied (I'm really good at the denial thing). Agree or disagree, it is what it is - but am trying to change it for the better.

Where did she go?

A person has been lost!!

Yes, I have lost the equivalent of an entire person... to be specific, a 103 pound person!  My diet lifestyle plan implemented the beginning of this year is closely reaching an end point (or is that a "beginning" point?). I am only about 15 pounds from my target!! Then I shall go through a 6-week "transition" phase, followed by a lifetime of making better and healthier food choices.

Last weekend it snowed, and looked so beautiful outside I just had to get a photo (or two, or three!!). Then came the brilliant idea that I should be IN the photo!! After all, I have a beautiful red sweater that would look fantastic against a snowy backdrop. A wonderful friend (thanks Catherine!!) ventured out into the snow with me to take some photos!!

This is my first time ever posting an actual photo of myself on this blog! For decades now I have been very camera phobic - always hiding behind people or objects whenever possible when cameras came out. The reason being, I honestly hated seeing my overweight self documented in a photo. That's all changed now... for the better!!

First "before & after"
June 2011 (7 months before starting)
June 2012 (5 months into weight loss)
(59 pounds lost)
I saved that pair of jeans... and will eventually take the quintessential weight loss photo "wearing" them.
Second "before & after"
January 27, 2012 (day before starting diet)
November 10, 2012 (almost there!!)
(103 pounds lost)
BIG difference, eh?!!

Wow!! It was really cold outside!!

It was a very fun day!!

Now you all know what I really look like (and no, I'm not a fuzzy green cartoon character)!!

Quake


What was that odd noise? It almost sounded like a big truck barreling from the south towards my apartment. Then the shaking began, slowly and somewhat rolling at first - quickly followed by severe east/west jerking motions of the earth.

There I was trying to keep my balance while standing in the bedroom doorway; being hit by the wildly swinging door; listening to things in the apartment crashing and breaking; wondering if the building would collapse; all accompanied by a multitude of car alarms going off outside. This was not my first experience with an earthquake, though it greatly eclipsed all the others. After what seemed like an eternity the shaking lessened, then stopped. As time then seemed to stand still I became aware of another sound... someone fearfully gasping for breath, and that someone was me!

When at the mercy of the elements and nature there is no control... only feelings of helplessness and insignificance in the face of forces much larger than ever imagined. Last month marked the 23rd anniversary of a date and time that shall never be forgotten by we who were a first-hand witness to a devastating quake and aftermath.
It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.
   ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, May 2010
There is one thing in life that everyone has in common... adversity. It comes in one form or another and has happened, or will happen, to each of us. It might appear after a period of relative peace and comfort - shaking our very foundations and bringing with it fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness or sorrow. It may even at times seem constant and never ending. What is a severe struggle for one may not be for another. But I do know in faith, that we were given this time in mortality to become prepared, tried, and tested - all for the purpose of being transformed and strengthened through our choices (especially choices made in difficult times).

Who can provide help and comfort in times of hardship, stress and despair? Family, friends, neighbors and even pets can be a great support and resource. But there is only One... the Savior, Jesus Christ... who knows from personal experience how to best offer necessary aid. He has promised relief for all who believe on His name.
   And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
   And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
   ~Alma 7:11-12
If allowed, depression, illness, or a multitude of other trials can erode faith - or it can test and strengthen faith. Peace can be had even in the midst of a storm - whether that storm be physical, emotional, temporal, or spiritual. If endured well those storms will bring blessings. This is my faith, stronger at times and imperfect as it may be.
Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.
   ~Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, November 1999