Life is a test

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today was going to be just another Tuesday... until I remembered this morning it is my Mom’s birthday! She would have been 78 years old today. I love and miss her so much - she was, and still is, a blessing and gift in my life. She was truly funny, with a completely infectious laugh! No matter your own mood, or even if you didn’t know her... when Mom laughed - the whole room had to laugh too! I miss being able to talk with her about anything - knowing that I would receive in return pure love at all times and in all places. Her motivation behind everything she ever did was simply... love.

This coming weekend marks the passing of both of my parents. Mom (who was taken way too young in life, just 5-days after her birthday) died from the ravages of breast cancer 10-years ago this coming Sunday. Has it really been that long? Sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday. Dad was reunited with Mom four years later - only 6-years ago this coming Saturday (dying from the devastation of lymphoma). As much as I would have loved Mom (and Dad) to stay around much longer (but not suffering or in pain) - I will forever be grateful for the 4-years I had to spend alone with my Dad. It was a time of getting to know him so much better, something not really experienced while growing up (was always closer to my Mom). I miss and love you too Dad!! You always gave the best hugs ever!!

From both of my parents I learned wonderful eternal lessons of faith in God by observing their dedicated obedience to His commandments – and sweet lessons of unconditional love for their children. I know that as much as my earthly parents loved me (and they did) - even more so does my Heavenly Father (my God) love me.

Like the two thousand warriors spoken of in Alma 56:47-48... I do not doubt.

yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed... the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

I do not doubt that both of my parents knew God – knew firsthand of His love, and His tender mercies. It is my greatest desire to once again feel the arms of parental love surround me... and to live once more with my family. Life does not end with the death of the mortal body - it continues in one eternal round connected by family. I may no longer have immediate family in my life at this time... but I know this life is just the test, not the reward. May we all pass life's tests and receive the promised reward.

New eyes

Have you ever wanted to be able to see the world through "new eyes"? Discard the old and somewhat distorted way of seeing to discover a new, and hopefully better way? Casting off the smog and darkness of depression can truly offer a completely different view. The world is still the same - but the manner and viewpoint from which it is seen vastly changes, for the better! A wonderful surprise for me has been an actual enhancement of light and color in my surroundings!! Whoda thunk the world has beauty in it - and isn't just shades of grey and black?

I have had the wonderful experience and blessing of emerging from the shadows of depression - walking and seeing the world around me bathed in light! Not to say the shadows have completely disappeared... they will probably always be there, just over my shoulder... waiting for the chance to pounce and once again overwhelm. That is my burden to be aware of and to constantly guard against. I do this through things like...

• prayer, and embracing God's loving influence
• friendships (both near and far)
• remembering lessons learned in life
• utilizing tools and methods given through counseling, and reading
• and yes... for me there is also medication (among too many other things to list right now)

Did you know that everyone has three eyes? (and here you thought you only had just two... silly you!!). We all have physical, mental, and spiritual eyes from which we view ourselves and the world around. Depression for me seriously impacts that whole mental point of view... and can have a huge influence on the other two eyes as well (physical and spiritual). Each requires attention, to be done without neglecting the other two! It is a delicate balancing act... which brings to my weird mind a vision of someone juggling three eye"balls" in the air at once.

Announcement Time:

As of tomorrow I shall be seeing the world through new physical eyes! Yes, I am going under the knife urrr... make that laser...  and scary as it sounds... am having Lasik surgery! A ban on computers and reading is required for 24 to 48 hours afterwards - but I'll try to post something this weekend about the experience! Personally I think eyeballs are gross (but very necessary, and truly amazing).

So until I next enter the computer blogasphere in a few days... I bid thee all adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow (and hopefully worth it in the end!!).

Weeds

I hated pulling weeds as a child... seemed like such a pointless effort. As soon as you think you are finished, suddenly more weeds magically appear overnight. Some say that pulling weeds builds character in children - but I always thought it was child slave labor at its worst... and aren’t there laws against that?

My parents were absolute prolific gardeners, with the entire backyard a veritable veggie farm (providing many opportunities for weed pulling character building). My Dad’s philosophy was... if a plant or tree didn’t provide something to eat, then it pretty much wasn’t allowed on the property.

I still hate pulling weeds, and at times allow them get way ahead of me. There is always that voice in the back of my mind reminding me of how futile my efforts are. Within a few short days the weeds will be back in full force, and I will need to start the process all over again. What is a weed anyway? Pretty much a plant growing where it is not wanted... undesirable, unattractive, and valueless.

This has led me to consider all the different weeds I have allowed to grow in my life garden that need to be pulled. There are a plethora of weeds - which through neglect or procrastination - have grown and matured; sinking down roots and choking out more desirable elements.

These weeds are a mixture of things like bad habits and distractions, along with other thorny plants. My life garden is quite overgrown and not looking the way I would prefer. If I will but allow the Master Gardener to take over - learn to listen to and recognize His guiding voice - this weed-patch of mine has the potential of becoming a much grander and more peaceful garden than any I can conceive of.

The garden He has in mind for me is painfully implemented as long nurtured plants are ripped out... deep holes dug here and there... boulders placed where I bruise myself stumbling along a changing path. Trees of all kinds planted in locations I am not so sure about... and a large variety of unfamiliar seeds.

Having faith in His expert design for my life garden does not make it easy. I pray for the strength to endure the whole weed pulling complete garden overhaul. I originally thought to make a small simple cottage flower garden - and instead His long term plan envisions a Garden of Eden.

Blind wanderings

In elementary school I once read a book about a young boy who became blind in an accident involving fireworks. I was fascinated with the story of how he learned to cope with his eyesight loss, learned to read braille, and was finally teamed with a seeing eye dog.

After a long day in school, as I frequently walked alone the four blocks home, I would close my eyes - attempting to understand what it would be like to be blind. I had no cane of course, so would try to have one foot brush the grass lawn along the sidewalk as I walked. With closed eyes it seemed to take so much longer than I thought possible to walk from one yard to the next. Frequently I would end up "cheating" by opening an eye slightly to regain my orientation - and view how much further it was to the next driveway or street corner.

Life was so much simpler as a child than it is as an adult. Now as I walk along life’s path, I am regularly unable to see the way before me - and there is no easy option available to crack open an eye to gain a point of reference. My eyes are already wide open, but unable to see much through the darkness. Sometimes a counselor or friend will walk by my side for a few precious steps, helping to direct with a guiding word here or there - briefly illuminating part of the path with their inner light.

Most of the time I seem to be alone, floundering along stubbing toes and cracking shins on unseen obstacles. In faith I know that I am never truly alone on this path. Even more so than mortal friends - my Savior is always there to guide and help me, with His hand always outstretched.  I can look back on the path trodden, and clearly see places where the outcome would have been very different if not for His guidance through the roughest parts.

It is one thing to look back, to see and know in your mind - and quite another to have the ability to feel in the present. The most depressing part of clinical depression is the tremendous difficulty, or inability, to feel or recognize guidance and blessings of the Spirit in the moment. When I most need to feel God’s will, and know in my heart that I am loved by Him - depression clouds my ability to perceive that comfort.

So I continue stumbling forward (and I admit, sometimes a bit sideways) on life’s path...

• able to see the past
• darkness obscuring the future
• alone in the present
• not really alone, but numb

Invisible me

Many years ago I remember laying in bed at night, before drifting off to sleep, wishing that I had a broken arm or leg - something that others could physically see was wrong with me. I wanted someone, anyone, to "see" the pain I was in, and not accept my lies of healthiness. One of the frustrating things about depression, is that it is not a visible illness. Like others with invisible illnesses, I wanted someone to recognize and acknowledge my reality.

A clinically depressed person becomes very good at building walls, and using creative excuses to explain what is happening to them. They are in effect isolating themselves from others, because there is the feeling that you should not impose yourself on anyone else. Distorted thoughts tell you that by so doing you might drag that person into your world of darkness and somehow infect them. This is something not to be wished on anyone, and so the anguish continues in deafening silence. I am finally at a point where I can attempt to break the silence myself, and allow people a glimpse inside my walls.

Those self imposed walls do not easily allow others to come in. It takes a lot of courage and empathy - along with knowing that often resistance will be given - to break through the walls. Even if that contact of love and friendship is strongly desired, and appears to the depressed person as pure manna from heaven.

In my personal opinion, the worst of all things that plagues someone suffering from clinical depression is that... spiritual thoughts and strengths which offer guidance and comfort are gone. You long for the warmth of the Lord's Spirit, but because of depression are unable to feel it. Emotions felt are guilt and gloom, where reality becomes negative and distorted. Prayers often appear to go unanswered, bouncing off a very low ceiling.

Unable to recognize why the Spirit has seemingly abandoned you - then you start to think that God no longer loves you, and that depression is your punishment for all your apparent failures. You find it difficult to love yourself, so why should anyone, including God, love you. This falsely perceived spiritual abandonment appears to be evidence that you must have committed some sin, and are no longer considered to be worthy. Even though no memory of sins committed come to mind to prove your distorted hypothesis.

I recently read an ecclesiastical leader's perspective on depression that has helped me immensely, and gives me hope... "Guidance by and blessings of the Spirit are still given, but they may not be recognized. Ironically, at a time when the member [of the church] most needs to feel the presence of the Spirit and know that she is loved, depression injures the ability to feel this comfort. Without question, depression colors the perception of the member. Heavenly Father loves all his children, including those with depression, and he still answers their prayers. The presence and influence of the Holy Ghost can still direct their lives." (Reaching for Hope, an LDS perspective on recovering from depression, p131).

My prayers no longer bounce off a low hanging ceiling, I know that God is listening - even if I can't feel it in my heart the greater majority of the time. I have vivid and distinct memories to which I cling with my whole being - of times when I have been cradled in the arms of my Savior, and felt His love for me so real. I may not be able to feel heaven's love now - but I have felt it in the past, and this I cannot allow myself to ever forget. This is what gives me strength to hold fast to the iron rod, continue on, and not give up on life.