I sat and pondered this scenario for several minutes before coming to the stark conclusion that, faced with a similar situation, I would totally forgo surgery. I think this must be one reason why I have been given relatively good physical health, when compared to others that is. Oh how easy it would be to just let nature take its course, and offer a fairly quick sweet release from living in hades (for that is how I often view this mortal realm). Apparently someone has a reason for my still being here - I just wish I knew what the heck it is.
If you have read some of my past blog postings, you will know that I have gone in and out of clinical depression since I was a teenager. If I tell you that this year I will turn 46 - perhaps it will give you an idea how long of a battle it has been. Sometimes I just get so tired of swimming against the strong current of depression. Looking back, this time last year was by far the most intense and darkest episode of depression I have ever experienced. I am in a better place now than I was then, thanks to counseling and medication - both things for which I am grateful. But being in a better place does not mean the depression is gone - just tempered.
With quickly approaching anniversaries containing painful reminders - I worry about memories triggering a descent into darkness once again...
- May 8 - Mother's day
(my Mom is gone - I am not, nor will I ever be, a Mom)
- May 15 - Mom's birthday
(she would have been 77 this year)
- May 19, 2006 - Dad's death day
(five years ago this year)
- May 20, 2002 - Mom's death day
(my parents died four years, and one day apart)
- May 30 - Memorial day
(a day to remember the dead)
One bright spot is that I have hired someone to take care of my yard work for me this summer. I have zero motivation to work in my ugly yard this year (not even planning on a veggie garden either). The cost will be so worth it, even if it means I'll be eating ramen or oatmeal for a few months to help pay for it ;-)
Well, it's getting close to midnight, and I'm finally tired enough that I can quickly fall asleep. Lately I've been staying up late to tire myself out - which seems to be a better alternative to laying in bed letting my thoughts drift around before finally falling asleep. I still wake up about the same time every morning (darn internal alarm clock) - and I've never been a morning person. So watch out! I'm sleep deprived and cranky... approach with caution!