Choices

Elder Boyd K. Packer
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints

I have been pondering on the choices I make every single day (literally hundreds of choices)... how these choices can clearly affect myself and others... and how they can have an impact on dealing with depression (or any other illness). Depression for me has been so closely tied to my thoughts - which can lead to certain actions - which lead back to thoughts (a vicious circle at times).

For example: if I think I am of no value in the world - I then act accordingly - which then confirms that original and completely distorted thought. Everyone has value (even when - or maybe even more especially when that value is difficult to see)... 'cuz God does not make junk!!

I was recently lead to a wonderful talk given in the October 1980 General Conference - for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would like to share a few words from this talk... words spoken by Elder Boyd K. Packer, an Apostle of the Lord. I hope it brings you some level of insight and comfort - I know it did for me!

     The crucial test of life, I repeat, does not center in the choice between fame and obscurity, nor between wealth and poverty. The greatest decision of life is between good and evil.
     We may foolishly bring unhappiness and trouble, even suffering upon ourselves. These are not always to be regarded as penalties imposed by a displeased Creator. They are part of the lessons of life, part of the test.
     Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.
     Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.
     All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect.

(Boyd K. Packer, "The Choice"; Ensign, November 1980; emphasis added)

Sun through the clouds

Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall

Some days must be dark and dreary.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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I love going outside after a rainstorm as the sun starts peaking through the clouds! The air is fresh and the whole world appears to be somehow new. My favorite are cleansing spring or summer showers, where afterwards I can sense the stiring and delight in the sounds of nature.

Oh the lessons I have learned from the storms in my life... things that I would never have learned or experienced in any other way. If possible, and God willing, I never want to live in that same storm again... but am so grateful for what I was taught in those dark nights.

I have also recently learned to appreciate and love emerging from the cocoon of life's rainstorms. Have been experiencing a new and cleansed point of view of the world, and of my part in it. Spreading my wings, I delight in the small and simple things that seem to go un-noticed until after the long storm is over.

Believe it or not... (and I for one certainly have not always believed it)... Life Is Good!! Embrace the bad along with the good, and in the end it is the good which will eventually win the day (week, month, year, decade...). For me it has taken decades living in darkness - and now finally the light is starting to peak through those clouds!

Am certain there will still be clouds and storms in my future... for into each life some rain must fall...  but I need to remember the sun is always shining behind those clouds - and it is the Love that God has for all His children (including me)!! The sun peaking through the clouds in my life recently has reached a point where as of last week, I am now on 1/2 dose of the anti-depressant medication!! (but still the full dose of L-Methlefolate - and I'm so okay with that).

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.
The chances, the changes are all yours to make.
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.
~ Author Unknown

Junk mail

My life has been full of a series of one form of junk mail after another. Back in the day (yes, I am old enough to say that)... junk mail was delivered by the postman - usually addressed to “occupant”. I don’t receive much of the physical junk mail anymore (unless you count bills, like the recently received property tax notice... ouch!!).

Then there were junk faxes received at work... a complete waste of paper. Now with the explosion of the internet, email, social networking, smart phones, texting, etc. - junk mail can take on a whole new level of insidiousness (not to mention lewdness and garbage in so many different forms).

Those are only the physical manifestations of life junk mail... what about all the mental and spiritual junk mail that is also received on a daily basis? This type of junk mail is not always as obvious to see as others may be... but it can be way more damaging to the soul. It usually comes in the form of thoughts, such as...

• That was such a stupid thing to do/say...
• I will never be smart/good enough to...
• He/she/they really don’t like/love me...
• I am not worth that...
• If only I was...
• When this happens, then...
• I am a horrible _____ because...
• Everyone would be better off if I just...

From whence is the source of this type of junk mail? Certainly it does not come from God!! It can take years (if not a lifetime) to recognize this type of thought junk mail... but even when acknowledged, what can be done with it? The habit of believing such statements is very difficult to break - and when in a depressive state of mind it is much easier to quickly accept them as truth.

For me, often these negative thoughts come from activities of comparison to others (my bad to their perceived good). There always seems to be someone more intelligent, pretty, skinny, funny, etc., etc.. I try to accept others talents and skills as gifts (often hard earned), and not put myself into a comparison line-up... this is a habit not simply overcome, and easier said than done!!

How do you handle negative thought junk mail? I could certainly use some tips and advice from others on this topic... especially since I still struggle with it.

If only I could just...

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad

Ever have a bad day, when nothing seems to go right? I’ve totally been feeling like Alexander from the children's book... and even briefly toyed with the idea about moving to Australia (but as Alexander’s mom pointed out - everyone has bad days, even people who live in Australia).

A day is bad enough - but try having a bad week - or even a bad month!! Things have been really weird - up in the air - and not so positive at work lately. My team was told last week that we were going to be broken up - and moved to other software development teams - all due to a large reorganization in information systems. And get this... the way upper management decided to inform my team was in a conference call of all things!!

Then we were told that they don’t have everything in place with HR - so we won’t really know for sure where we are going for a couple more weeks yet. Pretty much the only good news from all this is that we all still have jobs... just don’t know what or where exactly that will be - nor what team we will finally end up working with.

Stress and change - both big trigger points for depression - but think I've handled it pretty well (so far). I found myself going through all the stages of grief (including periods of real anger!!) over all the losses that come with this change. But through it all - I know that I will be okay in the end - and after much prayer (and attending the Temple) - I have gained a sense of peace about it all. I just hope an ulcer doesn’t develop during this limbo waiting period.

Hummm.... if not Australia - maybe New Zeland?