Solstice of peace

the Oreo has never let me down!!

Tomorrow will be an eventful day - and no, I'm not talking about the "end-of-the-world" Mayan calendar ending scenario. Tomorrow happens to be December 21st, otherwise known as the Winter Solstice.

In the northern hemisphere it is also known as the shortest and darkest day of the year. And if today is any indication, it will be a very cold day too (at least for those of us living in the "hades-has-now-frozen-over" climates)!!

The warmth and extended sunshine hours of summer are greatly missed - but there is a calm peaceful restfulness that comes with winter - a time of rest before the renewal of Spring. I choose to believe it is this which makes me want to hibernate in my warm bed for excessive hours of the night (and morning). A much nicer explanation than one of attempting to escape mental darkness via the sweet oblivion of sleep.

Actually this winter I am not as depressed as I have been in the past - it's a Christmas Miracle - for which I reach out to my God with much gratitude!!

It is my HOPE and PRAYER that the season's peace might spread throughout the world - comforting those in need, and who are grieving - calming the stirrings of hate and war.

CHRIST is the reason for the season - and may everyone have a very Merry CHRISTmas!!

Good Tidings of Great Joy

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)



Inspiring

What beautiful music and video - touching the heart and soul with a reminder of all that is good in this world - and honoring what this season is about... the the priceless gift of the birth and life of
the Savior of the world, even Jesus Christ!!

Enemy within

Sometimes the enemy is within - and I am my own worst enemy.
~ Messy Musings



Have you ever stuck your hand in a pail of water, and then removed it? There are a few small temporary ripples left behind on the water's surface - and then nothing. No lasting impression or indication to mark the fact that "you were there".

That's how I often feel about my life, and what will be left behind once I'm gone. People have told me that isn't true and I accept their words - but don't really believe them. Any "hole" I might leave can easily and quickly be filled... soon even the small ripples of my presence will be gone and forgotten.

Yes, I live with not only depression - but also poor to non-existent self-esteem (all very well hidden away behind a screen). I seem to consistently seek for approval or validation in some way from others - unable to recognize or give it to myself. Perfection is sought for in things that I offer to people, but frequently find I'm pitifully lacking in talent or skills to meet expectations. For myself... "it's good enough" is the prevailing pattern, because to be honest believe most of the time I'm simply not worth the time and effort.

Some may find it difficult to believe or even understand my words and thoughts here. I know many things I accept on some level are just not true - including my distorted self-image. That being said, I try to use this blog for the selfish purpose of being a form of therapy. Writing things down helps me to see truths and possible solutions. The fact that it is made "public" so to speak, also brings a sense of realness that cannot be denied (I'm really good at the denial thing). Agree or disagree, it is what it is - but am trying to change it for the better.

Where did she go?

A person has been lost!!

Yes, I have lost the equivalent of an entire person... to be specific, a 103 pound person!  My diet lifestyle plan implemented the beginning of this year is closely reaching an end point (or is that a "beginning" point?). I am only about 15 pounds from my target!! Then I shall go through a 6-week "transition" phase, followed by a lifetime of making better and healthier food choices.

Last weekend it snowed, and looked so beautiful outside I just had to get a photo (or two, or three!!). Then came the brilliant idea that I should be IN the photo!! After all, I have a beautiful red sweater that would look fantastic against a snowy backdrop. A wonderful friend (thanks Catherine!!) ventured out into the snow with me to take some photos!!

This is my first time ever posting an actual photo of myself on this blog! For decades now I have been very camera phobic - always hiding behind people or objects whenever possible when cameras came out. The reason being, I honestly hated seeing my overweight self documented in a photo. That's all changed now... for the better!!

First "before & after"
June 2011 (7 months before starting)
June 2012 (5 months into weight loss)
(59 pounds lost)
I saved that pair of jeans... and will eventually take the quintessential weight loss photo "wearing" them.
Second "before & after"
January 27, 2012 (day before starting diet)
November 10, 2012 (almost there!!)
(103 pounds lost)
BIG difference, eh?!!

Wow!! It was really cold outside!!

It was a very fun day!!

Now you all know what I really look like (and no, I'm not a fuzzy green cartoon character)!!

Quake


What was that odd noise? It almost sounded like a big truck barreling from the south towards my apartment. Then the shaking began, slowly and somewhat rolling at first - quickly followed by severe east/west jerking motions of the earth.

There I was trying to keep my balance while standing in the bedroom doorway; being hit by the wildly swinging door; listening to things in the apartment crashing and breaking; wondering if the building would collapse; all accompanied by a multitude of car alarms going off outside. This was not my first experience with an earthquake, though it greatly eclipsed all the others. After what seemed like an eternity the shaking lessened, then stopped. As time then seemed to stand still I became aware of another sound... someone fearfully gasping for breath, and that someone was me!

When at the mercy of the elements and nature there is no control... only feelings of helplessness and insignificance in the face of forces much larger than ever imagined. Last month marked the 23rd anniversary of a date and time that shall never be forgotten by we who were a first-hand witness to a devastating quake and aftermath.
It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.
   ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, May 2010
There is one thing in life that everyone has in common... adversity. It comes in one form or another and has happened, or will happen, to each of us. It might appear after a period of relative peace and comfort - shaking our very foundations and bringing with it fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness or sorrow. It may even at times seem constant and never ending. What is a severe struggle for one may not be for another. But I do know in faith, that we were given this time in mortality to become prepared, tried, and tested - all for the purpose of being transformed and strengthened through our choices (especially choices made in difficult times).

Who can provide help and comfort in times of hardship, stress and despair? Family, friends, neighbors and even pets can be a great support and resource. But there is only One... the Savior, Jesus Christ... who knows from personal experience how to best offer necessary aid. He has promised relief for all who believe on His name.
   And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
   And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
   ~Alma 7:11-12
If allowed, depression, illness, or a multitude of other trials can erode faith - or it can test and strengthen faith. Peace can be had even in the midst of a storm - whether that storm be physical, emotional, temporal, or spiritual. If endured well those storms will bring blessings. This is my faith, stronger at times and imperfect as it may be.
Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.
   ~Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, November 1999

Fake smile

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

~Nat King Cole, Smile




It is so much easier to hide behind a smile, and tell people that “I’m okay, just tired” or that it was just a rough day at work. I have had decades of practice with this tactic, but when did those lies stop working? It was when I started telling other people about having severe clinical depression. After that most people don't believe me and now question when I say I’m okay or just tired.

However there is a great desire to not spread depression’s misery, or cause others to worry. It can put quite a strain on friendship to always respond truthfully that things are often not all that okay. Am fairly positive others are tired and frustrated with hearing about it - and tired and frustrated with trying to offer encouragement all the time... believe that I would be if in their shoes.

Therefore I choose to not lose, or diminish, or wear out, or drive away friendship... I need the love, interaction and contact with others. So the smile is making a comeback in my life, and sometimes I shall be hiding behind it. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Don't worry about me... I'm fine, just tired.


Disclaimer: this new "smiling put on a positive face concept" may or may not carry over to what I choose to write here... after all this blog has become an outlet for healing, part of my self-preservation personal therapy regimen.

That's all




And that's all I have to say about that
~ Forest Gump






There's an old saying that goes something like this...
     "if you can't say anything nice,
     don't say anything at all"


I would like to revise this just a little...
     "if you can't say anything nice
     about yourself or your life,
     then don't say anything at all"


Hence the lack of blog presence the past couple of weeks. And that's all I have to say about that.

We now return you to your previously scheduled, and way more interesting, internet browsing.

Patience Grasshopper

Master Po
Certain television shows and dialog phrases from my childhood still crop up in memory from time to time. In my mind, one such line was spoken by Master Po to the young student, Kwai Chang Kaine in the television series, Kung Fu... "Patience, Grasshopper."

Those same words have echoed in my mind for the past few days now, with an emphasis on the word "Patience". The virtue of patience is much needed in my life right now, as body energy reserves have been drained in a fight to overcome an infection.

Patience is also often required when confronted with other illnesses, like depression. Discouragement comes from wanting something specific without waiting. I want to be healed from this infection and from depression - and I want it now!! Placing our own desires on hold for any length of time is not pleasant, it requires that rare commodity... patience. I turn now to words of wisdom spoken a few years ago by one of the greatest men I have ever had an opportunity to meet...
Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

... Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness. (~Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, May 2010)
There is a lesson to be learned from life... a foundation is being laid to hold a structure. One that my mortal vision cannot see clearly during this building phase - but it is a magnificent structure that the Master Planner has designed specifically for me.

All I need right now is... "Patience, Grasshopper".

Red light / green light

Oh the many different (yet oddly similar) games that were played as a child with cousins and neighborhood friends.
  • No bears are out tonight
    (played after sunset)
  • Sidewalk Tag
  • TV Tag
  • Red light / green light
  • Red rover, red rover
  • Simon says
  • Mother may I
Long lazy summer days filled with little to no responsibilities, and lots of fun! Don’t even know if children today play these games anymore. Heck, I’m not certain if people outside my cadre of childhood friends know much about some of these games.

Times change, and so do people. As much as I enjoyed playing these games for hours on end as a child - they don’t hold the same level of enticement now as an adult. But the joyful memories associated with them will live on for many years yet to come.

Recently I have been thinking about the game of Red Light / Green Light.

The objective of this game is to make it from one end of the playing field (aka: the neighbor’s lawn) to the other, and tag the one child who is the “traffic light”. Movement of any kind is not allowed on a red light... when the traffic light child is facing the others. Punishment for movement is to be sent back to the starting line. Only on a green light... when the traffic light child has their back turned to the others... is movement allowed. They want to catch you moving, and will often turn quickly back and forth - shouting “Red Light” or “Green Light” as they turn.

There is total childlike simplicity found in the rules of the game - only two commands: stop or go. Why does such plainness seem to disappear with adulthood? Now I only see a red or green light at street intersections or freeway on-ramps - and not on a warm summer evening filled with children’s laughter.

Viewing life through my spiritual eyes... red lights are those times when I feel restrained from taking certain life paths or making decisions. This restraint might come as a prompting by the Spirit of the Lord directing me away from danger. But I also know it can be my own fears and depression’s distorted thoughts that hold me back.

Green lights are when I receive a “go ahead” prompting that the route chosen is a good one. These are much more difficult for me to discern or feel, as depression creates a false sense of living in a spiritual wasteland. It is a physical and mental illness which can forcefully impact one’s perceptions. Feeling unworthy and wrongly thinking I have been abandoned by God, I blame myself for lacking the necessary faith - easily becoming overwhelmed and incapable of seeing the green lights.

And lest we forget, there are also yellow lights; where I feel neither restrained nor necessarily prompted to move forward. It could mean to “proceed with caution” - or that any of the choices would be okay, for God has given man the agency to choose for ourselves. I often find that I live in a fairly perpetual red and yellow light world - neither really proceeding forward, nor coming to a full stop.

Oh, and what about the red lights that can suddenly turn green? Or those green lights that abruptly turn red? The easiness of my childhood understanding of the game has become much more difficult to navigate - and I don’t always understand the rules of this adult version.

Looking back over the years, I do not doubt the Savior has been at my side through this whole journey - through my whole life. In retrospect I clearly see the guidance that has been given when needed - and how I have been strengthened to deal with burdens placed on my shoulders. The challenge is to learn how to recognize in the present - red, green and even yellow light promptings of the Spirit; especially when they are muted or hidden by depression’s darkness. And to be more accepting of the love and guidance from God that has always been there, for He will never forsake His children. This is My Faith!!

Drop dead

Recently I set a goal to post something on my blog at least once a week... with Friday morning being the “drop dead” mark. Little did I know at the time that this week I would be the one feeling like I was dropping dead. It’s been a long week in more ways than one - work wise, health wise, and of course depression wise... how could I even think it would be other wise?

Although I have to admit that yesterday was a not-half-bad kinda day. Wish there were more days like that - and less of the not-good days. And today my honorable knight protector, Sir Advil Ibuprofen, was able to finally drive the migraine beast back to the 7th level of Hades from whence it came! Too bad it took multiple doses and pretty much all day - but now I shall sleep through what's left of the night!

There are ideas and thought lines partially written or floating around in my head, of things I want to explore in more detail and write about. Sigh... this week has not cooperated very nicely. Perhaps I shall have time over the approaching weekend?

Live long and prosper
Okay, I admit this image has absolutely nothing to do with what I have written. But it made me smile - and that's good enough for me!!

Things

"absolute terms, no gray areas"
"We depressives can be downright frustrating. We see everything in absolute terms, no gray areas. We set high standards for ourselves and when they aren't met, we can't accept it. We lash out at our loved ones. We're too wrapped up in our own pain to nurture our loved ones. We may have additional problems like OCD*, ADD*, or BPD*. We may cut ourselves, eat too much, or use drugs and alcohol to take away the pain. We beat ourselves up endlessly because we think we're ugly, unlovable, lazy, and worthless."  
~Nancy Schimelpfening


*OCD: obsessive compulsive disorder
 *ADD: attention deficit disorder
 *BPD: bi-polar disorder




Not everything in the quote above is true for all people with depression - but it is nonetheless pretty darn accurate. I don't cut myself, or use drugs and alcohol... however I often find escape through sleep (maybe because I hardly ever dream - so it is sweet oblivion).

Throughout the past few years I have been asked many times about depression, and what others might do to help. I have never been able to provide an adequate answer. Over time I have been doing a lot of reading, searching and pondering on this topic - probably more for my sake than anyone else - and have come up with four categories about depression. These are by no means complete, nor is anything listed in any particular order. Hopefully this will help provide answers, and maybe offer some insights or understanding.

If I have missed something important - please leave a comment and share your thoughts or experience.

Things you should know about depression
  • Depression is more common than you think
  • There are many different levels and characteristics of depression - from severe to mild, chronic to periodic or situational
  • Certain life events or trauma can trigger depression
  • Depression can put people at risk for other health conditions
  • It is not a choice to have depression - no one would willingly choose that
  • A person may not recognize they have depression
  • Depression's behaviors are not the real person - please don't take such things personally
  • Depression does have specific symptoms
  • A number of conditions can contribute to depression (here are only a few)
    • low self-esteem
    • negative thoughts
    • thyroid problems
    • hormones
    • serious or chronic illness
    • imbalance of brain chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters

Things not to say to someone with depression

I have personally heard many of these:
  • Just think positive thoughts; it's a matter of choice
  • I know exactly how you feel, I was depressed once for several days
  • You just need to get some exercise
  • It's all in your head
  • You should get a different job, or go back to school
  • Stop feeling sorry for yourself
  • You know better than that
  • Look at how lucky or blessed you are
  • Everyone has problems
  • Life is hard
  • Have you tried ____ tea, or ____ vitamins?
  • It's your own fault
  • You need to pray harder/ repent/ have more faith/ read the scriptures more
  • All you need is a priesthood blessing
  • I thought you were over that already
  • You should just try harder
  • Talking with a counselor, or taking medication, does no good
  • You're strong, you can handle this
  • No one ever said life was fair
  • There's always someone worse off than you are (I've even said this one to myself)

Things to say to someone with depression
  • I care about you
  • I love you
  • I'm here for you
  • You matter
  • You're not alone in this
  • You are important to me
  • Can I give you a hug?
  • You are not going crazy
  • There is hope
  • You can survive this
  • Don't worry, you won't drive me away
  • I don't really understand what you are feeling, but can offer my shoulder to lean on
  • When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you
  • We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through

Things to do for someone with depression
  • Knowledge about depression is important - educate yourself
  • Be understanding and sympathetic
  • Don't give up on them
  • Give plenty of reassurance - and repeat often
  • Little things will mean more than you will ever think
    • send a card
    • keep in touch, maybe a short phone call
    • even a quick email with a smiley on it will do wonders
    • leave a comment on their blog (sometimes I am shameless, LOL)
  • Offer to help, and respect the answer if told no thanks
    • remember, depressed people are not lazy - for them even simple everyday tasks can be difficult and overwhelming
  • Be patient
  • Ask if they want to go for a walk, go to a movie, or go out to eat.
    • If they don't feel up to it, offer reassurance and ask again on another day
  • Encourage them to talk about their feelings
  • Listen, don't criticize
  • Take care of yourself first - don't neglect or wear yourself out by giving too much

A pocket full

Ring around the rosy
A pocket full of posies
Ashes, Ashes
We all fall down!



How many times have I looked at another person, and thought that their problems and adversities in life are much easier when compared to my own? Then later discover the reality of their struggles, which before were unseen and unknown... and wonder how they ever endure such difficulties.

We all carry with us a pocket full of unique problems (versus a pocket full of posies). I firmly believe that God will never give us more than we can handle. He knows my weaknesses and strengths, and also my limits and potential. At the same time I often wonder if God simply believes I am strong enough to handle it - and where the heck did He ever get that idea from? Hahahaha!

What if everyone were able to lay all our problems out on a table - and I was given a choice of which person's pocket full of problems I would want to have? Think I would quickly pick up my own problems again, with gratitude in my heart for all the things I do not contend with. If we carefully look around someone will always have it worse than we do - worse health, worse relationships, worse living conditions, etc.

This thought does not make it easier to deal with my own problems and life tests - which can often be an overwhelming burden. But it does help me to look at them as being more of a long-term blessing than an insurmountable obstacle. Some problems come as a result of choices made (choices of our own, and/or those of others) - but all are there to teach and better prepare for what lies ahead in this life and in the next. I have been given, we all have been given, weaknesses so that God can turn them into strengths (Ether 12:27). It is my prayer that when we "all fall down" we will reach out, and help each other to get back up again. We are stronger than we think!

Into the battle

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

The Charge of the Light Brigade
~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1854)



In this mortal life I am doing daily battle with the front and center enemy... depression. It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining, accompanied by finite strength and motivation. Being responsible and strong all the time - all day, every day - with constant decisions about anything and everything is very heavy and wearing. I may be moving slow, yet still get up and prepare the best I can for the day’s fight. When there is not one ounce of energy or desire left - something inside keeps me going.

Yet there are times when I just want someone else to take the helm and make all the decisions for me - is that too much to ask?

     “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

A pronounced longing for the promised rest is often present - wondering where and why it seems to be hiding. Depression gives a very believable illusion that the heavens are sealed shut, where prayers bounce off a low hanging lead ceiling. But I hold tight to my faith that He is listening, and it isn’t just a one-sided conversation when I talk to Him through prayer many times a day, and always in my heart.

     Jesus, Savior, pilot me
     Over life’s tempestuous sea;
     Boist’rous waves obey thy will
     When thou say’st to them, “Be still!”
     Chart and compass came from thee;
     Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

     When at last I near the shore,

     And the fearful breakers roar
     ‘Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
     Then, while leaning on thy breast,
     May I hear thee say to me,
     “Fear not; I will pilot thee.”



Poem from the past

Okazaki Castle
The blog writing muse is apparently on vacation this week. So instead of posting the dribble I have barely been able to come up with... I shall leave words from another poem written around 25-years ago. Not always, but there are times when I can still so relate to these words from the past.



Pressure
    The chains that bind cut off life’s sanity.
    Where did I come from?
    Why did I leave?
    Where am I going?
    All is black and grey.
    Somewhere, I don’t know yet

Confusion
    Cries of pain ascend the heavens
    Step by lonely step I walk among the thorns.
    Clothed in red the sun bleeds its life in unnoticed anguish.
    Cloaked in black the earth turns slowly - stopping.
    Why did I come?
    When should I go?

Friendship
    Long ago... perhaps.
    I don’t remember because no one listens.
    Clouds of fog blur my hearing.
    Gripping the wheel of life I slip and grow cold.
    Leave as silently as you came,
    and tell no one of your going.

Windows and doors

Nagoya Castle
I am lost
wondering why
crying inside
showing no one
holding a shield
hiding in dreams
grasping in midair
I fall
and weep
tears of salt
cleansing tears
tears of pain



Those words were written by me around 25 years ago in one of the very few journals I have ever kept. I was in my early 20’s and living in Japan at the time (not far from the castle pictured above). The other night I found that journal in a box, and started reading excerpts from it. Amazing how even though things change, they somehow manage to remain the same.

I didn’t know it then - but I had already been living with clinical depression for a number of years, at least since I was in my early to mid-teens. I say living with depression - but honestly there have been times when I was merely surviving and existing.

This is another poem I also discovered in that journal written so many years ago...

     I hold this shield firm before me.
     The shadow that it casts
     prevents others seeing my emotions.
     It is my brick curtain behind which I hide,
     and watch the world from the shadows.
     I am afraid of the dark.

     In my quiet refuge I sing off tune -

     finding sanctuary in the depths.
     Once I took this knife and parted my defense.
     I allowed torment in, now he is my constant companion.
     We will strengthen each other by holding my shield higher.

To some extent I still metaphorically attempt to hold a shield and build walls in an effort to protect myself... or perhaps to protect others from myself (not wanting to pull anyone into depression's darkness).

Walls are not necessarily bad - I live in a home that has walls and a roof. These are important features that offer protection from weather and unwanted intruders. But my home was also built with windows through which I can see out, and let light in... and there are doors providing the ability to leave, or even invite others inside.

Note to self:  when you recognize depression attempting the hoisting of shields or building of walls - do not forget the need for windows and doors. They can always be closed if necessary, but will provide a built-in alternative to isolating yourself in dark solitude.

I don’t seem to write poems anymore, I wonder why that is?
Hummmm... something to think about.

Staying within the lines

Color!! (ain't it purty?)
I color within the lines
living by the rules
doing what I have to do
doing what I must do
it is who I am
     ~ Messy Musings



Even as a child with coloring book and crayons in hand, I was compelled to color within the lines. Not using just any color in the box... it had to be the “correct” color! The sky was never purple or green - always blue. The sun was never pink - always golden, and the grass always green. Other crayons were carefully selected and color coordinated - no clashing colors next to each other allowed! It was an idyllic world in my coloring book where I had absolute control.

The last couple of weeks have been less than idyllic, and far from controlled. I was once again caught in the seemingly never ending mists of depression. And then this past Monday... surprise!! There was once again color and light in the world!!

Yesterday I met with my wonderful counselor, where we talked about what I did to pull out of the colorless world of depression. For some reason I seem to possess certain instincts which have been learned and developed over a period of many years. Actions that are innately known to help shield, protect, or literally step away from the precipice. Simply put, without these learned behaviors I would not be alive today and writing this blog.

It is a fact that many times exercise and physical movement can help with depression. I mentioned to my counselor that I started riding my bike again last week.
     Why?
Because I was tired of walking, was my response.
     But how did I manage to get myself out of the house and on the bike?
I dunno, because I had to.

Please don’t think I am anything more than I am. Getting out and moving was sincerely not an immediate response on my part... it did take me a number of depression wallowing days to get to that point (along with timely sound wisdom from a dear friend - thanks Mel, I love you)!!

Why do I call myself a “semi-functional depressive”? Honestly I often function merely because I have to... there are no other options. The degree and level of functioning varies differently from day to day - hearkening back to the age-old debate of needs versus wants. When struggling with depression I may “want” to shut myself up separate and alone in a darkened house - but "need" to push myself to leave that confine and associate with others (even if it is only done virtually online through email or this blog). Every little bit can help, if I allow it into my life.

Dimensional

living in 2-dimensional space
height and width - but no depth
                      ~ Messy Musings

This year I had Lasik surgery on my eyes, and finally got rid of my bifocal glasses. I also started a diet/health plan that has worked quite well for me... have dropped 73 pounds so far (with 44 more until target is achieved). These are two positive things in my life - so why don’t I feel more positive or excited about either accomplishment?

Other people frequently ask me how I am doing, if I have enough energy on this diet plan, and congratulate me on the success - to which I politely say thank you. How do I begin to explain to them that the diet has not really affected me physically (except for losing the weight of course)... my energy levels are much more controlled by the exhaustion of living daily with depression.

Last week I had a 4-day weekend (thanks to a vacation day on Monday, followed by a State holiday on Tuesday). I ended up spending 50-plus-hours straight in my pajamas either in bed sleeping, or sitting in a recliner dorking around on my laptop. It was one of those bad kind of weekends... which I’m not certain I have recovered from yet.

Many years ago I lived in Japan for about 1.5 years. After the first few weeks - it began to feel normal, like I had always lived there. I had a lot more culture shock coming back home than I ever did in going to Japan. Similarly, right now I feel like I have always existed in a flat 2-dimensional fuzzy exhausting non-happy color lacking life. Vague memories of living in a different environment crop up now and then, almost like a dream incompletely remembered and quickly fading.

Thoughts

I thought I thought a thought,
but the thought I thought
wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
So I thought a new thought.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!!

Changing thought patterns is an important part of distancing oneself from depression. Distorted interpretations of thoughts lead to feelings which impact behaviors. Negative or inaccurate thinking contributes to an increase or deepening of depression.

How is it possible to recognize, and then challenge, erroneous thoughts? It is done through a process that I really dislike!! I have always considered introspection, self-observation, or inter-relationship focus... (aka: digging into the why behind thoughts and actions)... as being icky and overly "touchy feely". My style has always been centered around facts, or even opinions - the more logical the better!

That almost sounds like I must have some Vulcan ancestry (a la Star Trek and Mr. Spock)... which thought actually makes me giggle. Since emotion is not a trait of being Vulcan... sigh, I suppose not (she said with sadness).

So what is this "touchy feely" process? One name for it is, cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help if allowed to that is. It is all about developing a more realistic interpretation of your own thoughts, and recognize the serious distortions that depression can bring. Just one example... I knew what other people thought about me, simply by looking at them. I was projecting onto them my own negative thoughts about myself, and creating a lot of un-necessary anxiety. This in turn can lead to even deeper depression.

Basically it is a process of identifying situations or conditions in your life that trigger anxiety or depression. Becoming aware of these will assist in acknowledging false thoughts, emotions or beliefs. Once inaccurate and negative thinking is identified - it becomes easier to then challenge and change.

And of course all of this is easier said than done - especially if you are logic centric - and don't have a competent therapist offering guidance to get through all the "touchy feely" stuff. On this point I have been blessed, but still feel very inadequate to fully cope.

Grandpa?





Live long and prosper! 

Mobius

Mobius Strip
Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat.
Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat...

Have you ever thought you were caught moving along life somehow trapped by seemingly repeating the same (or very similar) scenes over and over again? Yes, my life is stuck in a time loop - but with a half twist creating a never ending convoluted path (otherwise known as a Mobius Strip).

What lessons should I have learned by now (but obviously have not), that keep me repetitively walking along this long narrow strip? Even conversations with others (in person or written) appear to be somewhat patterned and cyclical in nature.

This life is a time to prepare, a time for growth and learning - to expand horizons beyond internal (but very real) fears - to reach out to grasp the blessings and greatness God intends for His children. The first step is to recognize what God would have me learn (something not easily done when depression is involved). But I have faith there is a way... and so will start with the four steps for effective scripture study outlined in an article I rediscovered again today... The Battle in Our Brains.

Now I need to get myself a notepad!!


Update: it has come to my attention that the link provided above may or may not be functioning properly. Thanks to a dear friend's awesome internet searching skills... here's another link to this same content! If the first link doesn't work, try this one!! The Battle in Our Brains

Fear of self

This past week I moved office locations - from one side of the valley to the other, and away from a building I have worked in for 19+ years. I am going to miss the people, miss being there every day, and miss the familiar and beautiful daily drive. As I was packing up, sorting through, and throwing away an accumulation of many things... I came across a small piece of paper I had laminated many years ago. Re-reading these words I was reminded of their beautiful truths, and why I have held onto it for so many years.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my "fears"... thanks to my counselor who helped me onto exploring that thought path. What is it that I seriously fear the most? What fears do I hold onto that may be hindering my growth and progress in the battle with depression? My own personal "deepest fear" is of being cut off from God (and not being able to return home to Him after this mortal existence is over). These re-discovered words also give great insight into fears...

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

Bubble left of center

The other morning while driving to work, that thought which has frittered away in the back of my mind for decades burst itself to the full conscious level.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there is something wrong with me - disconnected and off balance - you might say I am a “bubble just left of center”.

Some might think this indicates "uniqueness”.  Maybe so, but in a dissociative way (distorted and unreal) - kind of like I’m trapped in an MC Escher drawing with no visible way out.

At least his two dimensional drawings (sincerely attempting to be three dimensions, all the while messing with your brain) are located somewhere outside of the box I used to live in. Numbly I go through the motions and activity of life, and think I might be getting somewhere - only to seemingly start over again, and again... caught in a loop.

I have been asked to teach a women’s class (Relief Society) at church this coming Sunday. I love teaching, and honestly look forward to these rare opportunities... but for some reason this time my stomach is all tied up in knots. Probably due to the lesson topic: Rescuing Yourself. How can I lead a discussion with others about rescue, when I do not knowingly find it in my own life? Experience indicates that the teacher usually learns more than the student - hopefully it will prove true this time as well. But inside I just want to pull the covers over my head, sleep, hide, and maybe cry.

Catch up

I'm going as fast as I can
Catching up on my so-called "life" (not to be confused with ketchup - which is pretty much my preferred way to eat tomatoes - but I digress). The following items are listed in no particular order. For more details on why that might be, refer to the sickness listed in item #1.
  1. Have had a writer's block infestation the past few weeks - accompanied by the dreaded Idontcare-itis sickness - along with problems being able to focus thoughts or concentrate (attention deficit leading to inane distractions... squirrel!!*)
  2. Made it through yet another month of May - tried to make a few "better" memories to help counter the sad ones of both of my parent's deaths in that particular month (in 2002 and 2006).
  3. Saturday, May 12th I walked a full 5K (3.125 miles) in the "Race for the Cure" - a fundraising event to help with breast cancer research (my Mom died of breast cancer). First time I participated in something like this - look forward to doing it again next year.
  4. And on Sunday, May 20th (10 years to the day of my Mom's passing) I was invited to be part of a choir - singing at a special church gathering (regional conference) in The Conference Center at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It was an inspiring event - both the singing opportunity and listening to the speakers.
  5. Last week started meeting again with my former counselor - working on this depression monster. Next appointment she said we will be exploring my fears. On a scale of fears - first is a fear of heights followed closely by a fear of closed-in spaces... which neatly explains why I do not like to fly on airplanes. Next up would be a fear of analyzing my fears (which is actually not a fear - but sure does make me very uncomfortable).
  6. Update on the weight-loss side of things. Last time I posted about this, I had lost 31 pounds. As of yesterday morning mark that number at 57 total lost - with 60 more until target weight is achieved. So close to the half-way mark - and still so many more weeks ahead.
  7. Finally after about 6-months of work limbo - met my new boss last week. Will be moving to another building around the end of the month. Took them long enough (way more than the promised couple of weeks) - but am glad to finally have things getting settled (even if it almost doubles my commute miles).
  8. Thinned the peaches on my four backyard peach trees. Too bad the fruit is not on my current diet plan. So will become the peach gifting fairy when the trees ripen (please note that I absolutely refuse to wear the costume!)
  9. The front porch iron railing has been going rusty the past few years. Yesterday I cleaned - sanded/brushed - wiped down - and primed the railing. Sometime this week I need to carve out enough time to put two top coats of white paint on it. Totally switching it up from the traditional black it has always been (which became black with rust).
  10. Currently am searching for my misplaced sense of humor. If you find it, please send it home. It is very strange and dry - sometimes with sarcasm thrown in - so should be easily recognized as mine.
  11. One of these days I promise to stop making lists and dare to call it a blog posting. Oh who am I kidding... if it gets me writing then so be it!!
  12. Am very grateful for certain people in my life who share so freely, and from whom I gain so much wisdom, insight, and comfort. Just got home from a walk, and a truly wonderful conversation with one of these dear people - felt a lot better after talking with her!! (she always seems to know exactly what to say... when I grow up I want to be more like her).
And that, my friends, is pretty much my recent life in a nutshell... a slightly cracked shell with an honest to goodness nutcase inside!!



(* funny dog distraction from the movie Up)

Life is a test

Happy Birthday Mom!!
Today was going to be just another Tuesday... until I remembered this morning it is my Mom’s birthday! She would have been 78 years old today. I love and miss her so much - she was, and still is, a blessing and gift in my life. She was truly funny, with a completely infectious laugh! No matter your own mood, or even if you didn’t know her... when Mom laughed - the whole room had to laugh too! I miss being able to talk with her about anything - knowing that I would receive in return pure love at all times and in all places. Her motivation behind everything she ever did was simply... love.

This coming weekend marks the passing of both of my parents. Mom (who was taken way too young in life, just 5-days after her birthday) died from the ravages of breast cancer 10-years ago this coming Sunday. Has it really been that long? Sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday. Dad was reunited with Mom four years later - only 6-years ago this coming Saturday (dying from the devastation of lymphoma). As much as I would have loved Mom (and Dad) to stay around much longer (but not suffering or in pain) - I will forever be grateful for the 4-years I had to spend alone with my Dad. It was a time of getting to know him so much better, something not really experienced while growing up (was always closer to my Mom). I miss and love you too Dad!! You always gave the best hugs ever!!

From both of my parents I learned wonderful eternal lessons of faith in God by observing their dedicated obedience to His commandments – and sweet lessons of unconditional love for their children. I know that as much as my earthly parents loved me (and they did) - even more so does my Heavenly Father (my God) love me.

Like the two thousand warriors spoken of in Alma 56:47-48... I do not doubt.
yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed... the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.
I do not doubt that both of my parents knew God – knew firsthand of His love, and His tender mercies. It is my greatest desire to once again feel the arms of parental love surround me... and to live once more with my family. Life does not end with the death of the mortal body - it continues in one eternal round connected by family. I may no longer have immediate family in my life at this time... but I know this life is just the test, not the reward. May we all pass life's tests and receive the promised reward.

What a difference

Wow!! Two blog posts in a single day... a new record for me!! Amazing what a difference only a few short hours can make. A heavy dark cloud has hung over me all this week - and today it was especially difficult to handle. All day I tried not to succumb to the overwhelming pervading darkness - but I just wanted to crawl into my cave like a wounded animal, metaphorically lick my wounds and hide from the world. Dang that sounds way too familiar!! Like I have stepped back to a time and place where depression had complete and ultimate dominance in my life.

So what happened to change the course of the day and make a difference?  I'll tell you what... it was two completely wonderful and seriously funny friends. Days ago they were heaven inspired to invite me over for an evening of playing games (and trying to make one of the cutest little babies ever smile). I love playing games - and I love getting babies to smile!! As a bonus... the little cutie even laughed!!

To be honest - there was a small part of me tempted to "call in sick" and stay home. But I knew from previous firsthand experience that isolation only feeds the depression, and does nothing but deepen the gloom. So I went - and had a GREAT time!! Thank you dear friends for helping me this evening - even if you did so unaware of the precious gift given and gratefully received. Tonight only reinforces my belief in the tender mercies of the Lord - and how He often acts through others to help in times of need.

Dear Life:

When I say, 'things couldn't get any worse' ... 
please remember that is not intended as a challenge!!


Let there be light

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
~ Genesis 1:3-4

Last weekend I became the very excited (jump for joy & dance around the house kind of excited) and proud owner of... a new kitchen light!! Not just any light... but one located over my kitchen sink!!

You see, I have been without a light there for about a year now (my old one finally died). I know - horrible living conditions - how could I possibly endure it? When you do not have readily available the necessary monetary means - nor do you have any visible home improvement skills - you just deal without a light fixture in that location. And you remind yourself that there are people in this world who don't have a kitchen or even running water (that really puts it into perspective).

(sort of like this light - but much better looking!!)
After saving money - much looking around - decision making - I finally purchased a few months ago a beautiful "brushed satin silver fixed track light fixture" (say that five times really fast). This past Saturday, two dear friends, and wonderful neighbors, came to install the light for me!

He brought the necessary handy professional electrical skills to bring light once again to the darkened sink area. She brought with her the light of her amazing spirit and love! Together they are always a light of hope and love in the lives of so many people lucky enough to know them!! I highly value their friendship which is, and has been, a tremendous gift and tender mercy in my life!

Amazing what little bits here and there were so visibly illuminated when the physical light was finally shining forth!! Not to say that the kitchen sink area was abhorrently dirty... but there were definitely noticeable some previously darkened corners that could use a bit more elbow grease!!

This got me thinking about another source of light that comes into our lives - a much greater light than the physical ones we may have in our homes - and even greater than the light of the sun on a clear summer day! Amazing what little bits become so visibly illuminated in our lives when the spiritual light of Christ is able to shine into the darkened corners of our existence.

As grateful as I am for truly loved friends in my life... I hold an even greater and deeper gratitude and love for my Savior, and the light He freely shares with those who choose to know Him. Even during those times when I may be living in depression's grasp of darkness, and am at times unable to see or feel His warmth and light - I know He is constantly reaching out with His healing light of love. It is this knowledge that keeps me going, especially in those times when I most want to give up.

Butler and a Corgie

I should have a Butler, and a purebred Corgie dog - just like the Queen of England!! It all goes with my new image of being... snooty! Yes I said snooty!! (aka: arrogant, conceited, snobbish).

It all started a week or so ago when I changed my home and car insurance. In the process also obtaining a separate, and much more robust, earthquake coverage policy - which is underwritten by none other than... Lloyd's of London!! (ooooh - aahhhh)

For me the images associated with that phrase... Lloyd's of London... bring to mind a company that has been around for centuries (started in the 1600's) - and does not concern itself with the common or working-class. (Are you using your best royal English accent while reading this? If not then immediately return to the top and start again!!)

Therefore it should correlate that being insured by Lloyd's of London means I ought no longer entertain thoughts of being a plebeian commoner - but of upper-crust aristocratic blue-blood!! Correct?

ENHHH... wrong answer! (in case you are wondering, that is supposed to be a buzzer sound). Actually Lloyd's of London does do business with the masses and undistinguished. In the immortal words of a simple sailor... "I yam what I yam, Toot Toot!!" ... and that would be simple plain Jane me. But even Janes can still dream about butlers and corgies!



postscript:
a few days ago I wrote most of a post for my blog, and saved it as a draft. Yeah it's going to stay a draft indefinitely. Why you ask? Well... I know that I write a lot about dealing with depression on this blog - it helps me to "talk" about it. But re-reading this draft was making me even more depressed (hard to believe, but yeah) - and I can't find it within to publish. So instead this is what you get (and hopefully it is found to be more entertaining, something needed in many lives - including my own).