Well, for the most part this blog has historically not been for laughs - but guess my life could be termed as a comic tragedy (or is that a tragic comedy?). Either way you look at it, with few exceptions, I tend to write about things experienced past or present. Understand that’s one secret to writing: focus on what you know about - or go total fantasy where nothing is real. While I love to read fantasy novels, writing here is very focused on my very real life. Leaving aside the whole MS thing - today’s topic is once again returning to the realm of depression and dark thoughts (sadly something which I know too much about).
- It is important to know that I am not faking, nor am I merely attempting to seek attention. However please acknowledge my state of mind - accepting that yes I am caught in a dark whirlpool, and no it is not my choice. Hopefully accompanied by communication that I am not alone. This can be done even if, or especially when, it is not understood.
- Instead of trying to fix my brokenness - perhaps remind me that there is light in the world. Light is so easily forgotten when I am feeling hopeless, lost, and alone. If there is no immediate response, please have patience and do not ignore what I am experiencing. It is a false belief that the darkness will magically disappear if it is never mentioned.
And that is where I am today, yesterday, and for weeks / months now - lost in depression. There are a few scriptures which have helped me - because even though I most often feel cut off from God, feeling there is a "pavilion" that stands between Him and me - I still do have a strong belief in the reality of God and our Savior Jesus Christ. I believe in their love for all of us, however I also often feel their love is there for everyone… except for me. There is quite a dichotomy in my life - knowing in my head that is not true (God does love all of His children) - but at the same time often feeling in my heart that no one cares, even God. Feeling this way is one nature of depression.
One of my favorite scriptures is found in Alma 7:11-12 - where it talks about what and why Christ suffered all that was placed on Him (notice not once in these two verses does it mention “sin”, even though The Atonement of Christ very much includes sin). All this was so “that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” When you know that the word succor comes from the Latin succurrere which means “run to the help of” - it gives a whole different view of why Christ experienced all of our afflictions, so that He can and will run to help us. There are also many talks given in my church’s bi-annual General Conference which are of great worth. Just one of my personal favorites is: Like a Broken Vessel by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
Sadly even though I read from the scriptures regularly, and have downloaded the audio of oh so many talks from General Conference and listen to them pretty much every day. They tend to work for only a brief moment in time, then once again I find myself floundering in darkness trying to keep my head above the surface of water. But at least they do offer some help, so I shall continue reading and listening even if the help is temporary.
|Bountiful, Utah Temple|
There are other sources of help which I have discovered. One is a YouTube channel by Seth Adam Smith - in particular videos he made with Ganel-Lyn Condie (she talks about her sister and suicide) - plus his videos that feature Carrie Maxwell Wrigley (my counselor with whom I frequently talk about many things, including Christ centered healing).
One source in particular has helped me to see how, and to know that I am in danger should the dark thoughts continue unabated - it is part of my church's online initiative to help anyone affected or impacted by Mental Health. This website, in addition to the wonderful spiritual guidance, they also offer other online resources to help. One section is called: Preventing Suicide. Please click on the links and read, there is so much more to be found! Personally I took note of the part, I’m worried about someone, where there is a list of wonderful information under the title of... Is it possible to predict who will attempt suicide? Are there any common warning signs?.
Please don’t dismiss or ignore if you see someone in trouble - by doing something, even small things, perhaps you will save a life. Also know that those who live with depression are very skilled in hiding what is really going on. This is done for many reasons - if you want to know some of mine just ask (but be prepared to find out).
To end this long blog post - here are some images I found on the internet and have kept them for awhile. Instead of doing possible future blog posts using these, decided I'd just leave them here and hopefully leave them behind. Don't worry about me... I'm fine.