~ Messy Musings
Have you ever stuck your hand in a pail of water, and then removed it? There are a few small temporary ripples left behind on the water's surface - and then nothing. No lasting impression or indication to mark the fact that "you were there".
That's how I often feel about my life, and what will be left behind once I'm gone. People have told me that isn't true and I accept their words - but don't really believe them. Any "hole" I might leave can easily and quickly be filled... soon even the small ripples of my presence will be gone and forgotten.
Yes, I live with not only depression - but also poor to non-existent self-esteem (all very well hidden away behind a screen). I seem to consistently seek for approval or validation in some way from others - unable to recognize or give it to myself. Perfection is sought for in things that I offer to people, but frequently find I'm pitifully lacking in talent or skills to meet expectations. For myself... "it's good enough" is the prevailing pattern, because to be honest believe most of the time I'm simply not worth the time and effort.
Some may find it difficult to believe or even understand my words and thoughts here. I know many things I accept on some level are just not true - including my distorted self-image. That being said, I try to use this blog for the selfish purpose of being a form of therapy. Writing things down helps me to see truths and possible solutions. The fact that it is made "public" so to speak, also brings a sense of realness that cannot be denied (I'm really good at the denial thing). Agree or disagree, it is what it is - but am trying to change it for the better.
I have a lot of work to do on my self-esteem issues, too. It's so easy to get caught up in the "I'm not good enough" thinking, and so hard to pull myself away from it. I definitely think writing about it and other things that are bothering us helps.
ReplyDeleteChew on this....
ReplyDelete"People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
but people will NEVER forget how
you made them feel."
--Maya Angelou
I have first hand experience that you have MASTERED this one. Remember that! You may be "faking" your smile, but I know it makes MY day. I know I'm not alone in this.
I think we all feel this way one time or another. Some people just feel it more often or for longer. I know i do. Hang in there. This too will pass. In the end it will all be better. If its not better than its not the end yet
ReplyDeleteSelf-esteem is a big issue for a lot of us! I rarely feel like I measure up, I'm just too busy most of the time to dwell on it. But when I mess something up, I kick myself around for days. If you are like me, you probably judge yourself way more harshly than other people are judging you. I think you are an awesome blog friend and I appreciate that you are so loyal!
ReplyDeleteSandy