Vortex

"Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. " ~Michael Corleone, Godfather III

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Depression can be very much like the mafia. When you think you're making progress, and life can once again possibly be filled with some bit of color and sunshine - you get pulled back into the black vortex of depression. You begin to believe that this is just the way that life is, that there is no escape - and you'd just better get used to it.

But I have faith. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1

Faith that somehow, someday, I can overcome depression's tightfisted hold. Faith that I need to be patient, as my desired timing may not be God's timing. Faith that there is a better and brighter everyday future ahead somewhere.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." ~Psalms 23:4

Even when I walk through this valley of shadows and mists, I must not fear the now. But look with faith to the future. A future when all will be made right in my little world. Without this faith, I have no hope. When all hope is lost, then your life is indeed dark and totally without purpose. I choose to hope, I choose to have faith.

And as I say these things, there is still a part of me that doesn't fully believe it. Such is the power of the vortex darkness - and it is not easily overcome. To tell someone with depression to "snap out of it" - is tantamount to telling a blind person to "just look harder" and they'll see it. It is not a path I would choose to be on, but it is the path I must walk (like it or not).

Spaghetti parable

The first food spillage on my new carpet happened the other day. Like that first ding on a brand new dream car, or a tear in your favorite jacket - it can be a traumatic experience. And of course it had to be spaghetti, oh dear!!

Everything happened in such perceived slow motion - but obviously not slowly enough to have sufficient time for grabbing the plate. It was a heart stopping moment as I watched it plop on the floor.

There it was - pasta with tomato sauce oozing into the carpet fibers. A red stain already in process before I could get the mess shoved back onto the plate. Grabbing paper towels and clorox wipes, I was able to lift off most of the sauce from the carpet. Each towel and wipe used so briefly before grabbing a fresh one - and each one in turn immediately transforming from pristine white to red.

Hoping there was carpet cleaner in the broom closet - I yanked open the door. And there it was, a gleaming never before used can of carpet cleaner! I hastily read the instructions, and followed them as best I could. I dare anyone to find the mishap spot now!!

As I thought back on this event, I have reflected on how there are parallels to repentance and the atonement of Jesus Christ. The process of repentance is analogous to my trying to use paper towels and wipes in cleaning up the mess. There was a small degree of success, and it was certainly much better than immediately after the spillage. However, to be fully successful required the cleaning power contained in the can of cleaner. It was that which truly lifted the stain, and restored the beauty of the carpet.

In life we can do all that is within our own power and abilities to repent from our mistakes. But it is only through the power of the atonement - given us with eternal love by sacrifice of Jesus Christ - that we can fully clean and lift the stains from our body and soul.

...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. ~Isaiah 1:18

How grateful I am for the blessed gift of the atonement in my life. Without this, I could never with my own efforts alone be able to clean away my sins sufficiently to once again stand in the presence of my Heavenly Father. It is my greatest desire to again be enfolded in His loving arms, and to hear Him say... "Welcome home, daughter."