Things

"absolute terms, no gray areas"

"We depressives can be downright frustrating. We see everything in absolute terms, no gray areas. We set high standards for ourselves and when they aren't met, we can't accept it. We lash out at our loved ones. We're too wrapped up in our own pain to nurture our loved ones. We may have additional problems like OCD*, ADD*, or BPD*. We may cut ourselves, eat too much, or use drugs and alcohol to take away the pain. We beat ourselves up endlessly because we think we're ugly, unlovable, lazy, and worthless."  
~Nancy Schimelpfening

*OCD: obsessive compulsive disorder
 *ADD: attention deficit disorder
 *BPD: bi-polar disorder

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Not everything in the quote above is true for all people with depression - but it is nonetheless pretty darn accurate. I don't cut myself, or use drugs and alcohol... however I often find escape through sleep (maybe because I hardly ever dream - so it is sweet oblivion).

Throughout the past few years I have been asked many times about depression, and what others might do to help. I have never been able to provide an adequate answer. Over time I have been doing a lot of reading, searching and pondering on this topic - probably more for my sake than anyone else - and have come up with four categories about depression. These are by no means complete, nor is anything listed in any particular order. Hopefully this will help provide answers, and maybe offer some insights or understanding.

If I have missed something important - please leave a comment and share your thoughts or experience.

Things you should know about depression

• Depression is more common than you think
• There are many different levels and characteristics of depression - from severe to mild, chronic to periodic or situational
• Certain life events or trauma can trigger depression
• Depression can put people at risk for other health conditions
• It is not a choice to have depression - no one would willingly choose that
• A person may not recognize they have depression
• Depression's behaviors are not the real person - please don't take such things personally
• Depression does have specific symptoms
• A number of conditions can contribute to depression (here are only a few)
• low self-esteem
• negative thoughts
• thyroid problems
• hormones
• serious or chronic illness
• imbalance of brain chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters

Things not to say to someone with depression

I have personally heard many of these:

• Just think positive thoughts; it's a matter of choice
• I know exactly how you feel, I was depressed once for several days
• You just need to get some exercise
• It's all in your head
• You should get a different job, or go back to school
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself
• You know better than that
• Look at how lucky or blessed you are
• Everyone has problems
• Life is hard
• Have you tried ____ tea, or ____ vitamins?
• It's your own fault
• You need to pray harder/ repent/ have more faith/ read the scriptures more
• All you need is a priesthood blessing
• I thought you were over that already
• You should just try harder
• Talking with a counselor, or taking medication, does no good
• You're strong, you can handle this
• No one ever said life was fair
• There's always someone worse off than you are (I've even said this one to myself)

Things to say to someone with depression

• I care about you
• I love you
• I'm here for you
• You matter
• You're not alone in this
• You are important to me
• Can I give you a hug?
• You are not going crazy
• There is hope
• You can survive this
• Don't worry, you won't drive me away
• I don't really understand what you are feeling, but can offer my shoulder to lean on
• When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you
• We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through

Things to do for someone with depression

• Knowledge about depression is important - educate yourself
• Be understanding and sympathetic
• Don't give up on them
• Give plenty of reassurance - and repeat often
• Little things will mean more than you will ever think
• send a card
• keep in touch, maybe a short phone call
• even a quick email with a smiley on it will do wonders
• leave a comment on their blog (sometimes I am shameless, LOL)
• Offer to help, and respect the answer if told no thanks
• remember, depressed people are not lazy - for them even simple everyday tasks can be difficult and overwhelming
• Be patient
• Ask if they want to go for a walk, go to a movie, or go out to eat.
• If they don't feel up to it, offer reassurance and ask again on another day
• Encourage them to talk about their feelings
• Listen, don't criticize
• Take care of yourself first - don't neglect or wear yourself out by giving too much