A Mess of Musings

Thoughts

I thought I thought a thought,
but the thought I thought
wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
So I thought a new thought.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!!

Changing thought patterns is an important part of distancing oneself from depression. Distorted interpretations of thoughts lead to feelings which impact behaviors. Negative or inaccurate thinking contributes to an increase or deepening of depression.

How is it possible to recognize, and then challenge, erroneous thoughts? It is done through a process that I really dislike!! I have always considered introspection, self-observation, or inter-relationship focus... (aka: digging into the why behind thoughts and actions)... as being icky and overly "touchy feely". My style has always been centered around facts, or even opinions - the more logical the better!

That almost sounds like I must have some Vulcan ancestry (a la Star Trek and Mr. Spock)... which thought actually makes me giggle. Since emotion is not a trait of being Vulcan... sigh, I suppose not (she said with sadness).

So what is this "touchy feely" process? One name for it is, cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help if allowed to that is. It is all about developing a more realistic interpretation of your own thoughts, and recognize the serious distortions that depression can bring. Just one example... I knew what other people thought about me, simply by looking at them. I was projecting onto them my own negative thoughts about myself, and creating a lot of un-necessary anxiety. This in turn can lead to even deeper depression.

Basically it is a process of identifying situations or conditions in your life that trigger anxiety or depression. Becoming aware of these will assist in acknowledging false thoughts, emotions or beliefs. Once inaccurate and negative thinking is identified - it becomes easier to then challenge and change.

And of course all of this is easier said than done - especially if you are logic centric - and don't have a competent therapist offering guidance to get through all the "touchy feely" stuff. On this point I have been blessed, but still feel very inadequate to fully cope.

Grandpa?

Live long and prosper!

Mobius

Mobius Strip

Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat.
Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat...

Have you ever thought you were caught moving along life somehow trapped by seemingly repeating the same (or very similar) scenes over and over again? Yes, my life is stuck in a time loop - but with a half twist creating a never ending convoluted path (otherwise known as a Mobius Strip).

What lessons should I have learned by now (but obviously have not), that keep me repetitively walking along this long narrow strip? Even conversations with others (in person or written) appear to be somewhat patterned and cyclical in nature.

This life is a time to prepare, a time for growth and learning - to expand horizons beyond internal (but very real) fears - to reach out to grasp the blessings and greatness God intends for His children. The first step is to recognize what God would have me learn (something not easily done when depression is involved). But I have faith there is a way... and so will start with the four steps for effective scripture study outlined in an article I rediscovered again today... The Battle in Our Brains.

Now I need to get myself a notepad!!

Update: it has come to my attention that the link provided above may or may not be functioning properly. Thanks to a dear friend's awesome internet searching skills... here's another link to this same content! If the first link doesn't work, try this one!! The Battle in Our Brains

Fear of self

This past week I moved office locations - from one side of the valley to the other, and away from a building I have worked in for 19+ years. I am going to miss the people, miss being there every day, and miss the familiar and beautiful daily drive. As I was packing up, sorting through, and throwing away an accumulation of many things... I came across a small piece of paper I had laminated many years ago. Re-reading these words I was reminded of their beautiful truths, and why I have held onto it for so many years.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my "fears"... thanks to my counselor who helped me onto exploring that thought path. What is it that I seriously fear the most? What fears do I hold onto that may be hindering my growth and progress in the battle with depression? My own personal "deepest fear" is of being cut off from God (and not being able to return home to Him after this mortal existence is over). These re-discovered words also give great insight into fears...

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

Bubble left of center

The other morning while driving to work, that thought which has frittered away in the back of my mind for decades burst itself to the full conscious level.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there is something wrong with me - disconnected and off balance - you might say I am a “bubble just left of center”.

Some might think this indicates "uniqueness”. Maybe so, but in a dissociative way (distorted and unreal) - kind of like I’m trapped in an MC Escher drawing with no visible way out.

At least his two dimensional drawings (sincerely attempting to be three dimensions, all the while messing with your brain) are located somewhere outside of the box I used to live in. Numbly I go through the motions and activity of life, and think I might be getting somewhere - only to seemingly start over again, and again... caught in a loop.

I have been asked to teach a women’s class (Relief Society) at church this coming Sunday. I love teaching, and honestly look forward to these rare opportunities... but for some reason this time my stomach is all tied up in knots. Probably due to the lesson topic: Rescuing Yourself. How can I lead a discussion with others about rescue, when I do not knowingly find it in my own life? Experience indicates that the teacher usually learns more than the student - hopefully it will prove true this time as well. But inside I just want to pull the covers over my head, sleep, hide, and maybe cry.

Catch up

I'm going as fast as I can

Catching up on my so-called "life" (not to be confused with ketchup - which is pretty much my preferred way to eat tomatoes - but I digress). The following items are listed in no particular order. For more details on why that might be, refer to the sickness listed in item #1.

Have had a writer's block infestation the past few weeks - accompanied by the dreaded Idontcare-itis sickness - along with problems being able to focus thoughts or concentrate (attention deficit leading to inane distractions... squirrel!!*)
Made it through yet another month of May - tried to make a few "better" memories to help counter the sad ones of both of my parent's deaths in that particular month (in 2002 and 2006).
Saturday, May 12th I walked a full 5K (3.125 miles) in the "Race for the Cure" - a fundraising event to help with breast cancer research (my Mom died of breast cancer). First time I participated in something like this - look forward to doing it again next year.
And on Sunday, May 20th (10 years to the day of my Mom's passing) I was invited to be part of a choir - singing at a special church gathering (regional conference) in The Conference Center at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It was an inspiring event - both the singing opportunity and listening to the speakers.
Last week started meeting again with my former counselor - working on this depression monster. Next appointment she said we will be exploring my fears. On a scale of fears - first is a fear of heights followed closely by a fear of closed-in spaces... which neatly explains why I do not like to fly on airplanes. Next up would be a fear of analyzing my fears (which is actually not a fear - but sure does make me very uncomfortable).
Update on the weight-loss side of things. Last time I posted about this, I had lost 31 pounds. As of yesterday morning mark that number at 57 total lost - with 60 more until target weight is achieved. So close to the half-way mark - and still so many more weeks ahead.
Finally after about 6-months of work limbo - met my new boss last week. Will be moving to another building around the end of the month. Took them long enough (way more than the promised couple of weeks) - but am glad to finally have things getting settled (even if it almost doubles my commute miles).
Thinned the peaches on my four backyard peach trees. Too bad the fruit is not on my current diet plan. So will become the peach gifting fairy when the trees ripen (please note that I absolutely refuse to wear the costume!)
The front porch iron railing has been going rusty the past few years. Yesterday I cleaned - sanded/brushed - wiped down - and primed the railing. Sometime this week I need to carve out enough time to put two top coats of white paint on it. Totally switching it up from the traditional black it has always been (which became black with rust).
Currently am searching for my misplaced sense of humor. If you find it, please send it home. It is very strange and dry - sometimes with sarcasm thrown in - so should be easily recognized as mine.
One of these days I promise to stop making lists and dare to call it a blog posting. Oh who am I kidding... if it gets me writing then so be it!!
Am very grateful for certain people in my life who share so freely, and from whom I gain so much wisdom, insight, and comfort. Just got home from a walk, and a truly wonderful conversation with one of these dear people - felt a lot better after talking with her!! (she always seems to know exactly what to say... when I grow up I want to be more like her).

And that, my friends, is pretty much my recent life in a nutshell... a slightly cracked shell with an honest to goodness nutcase inside!!

(* funny dog distraction from the movie Up)

Life is a test

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today was going to be just another Tuesday... until I remembered this morning it is my Mom’s birthday! She would have been 78 years old today. I love and miss her so much - she was, and still is, a blessing and gift in my life. She was truly funny, with a completely infectious laugh! No matter your own mood, or even if you didn’t know her... when Mom laughed - the whole room had to laugh too! I miss being able to talk with her about anything - knowing that I would receive in return pure love at all times and in all places. Her motivation behind everything she ever did was simply... love.

This coming weekend marks the passing of both of my parents. Mom (who was taken way too young in life, just 5-days after her birthday) died from the ravages of breast cancer 10-years ago this coming Sunday. Has it really been that long? Sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday. Dad was reunited with Mom four years later - only 6-years ago this coming Saturday (dying from the devastation of lymphoma). As much as I would have loved Mom (and Dad) to stay around much longer (but not suffering or in pain) - I will forever be grateful for the 4-years I had to spend alone with my Dad. It was a time of getting to know him so much better, something not really experienced while growing up (was always closer to my Mom). I miss and love you too Dad!! You always gave the best hugs ever!!

From both of my parents I learned wonderful eternal lessons of faith in God by observing their dedicated obedience to His commandments – and sweet lessons of unconditional love for their children. I know that as much as my earthly parents loved me (and they did) - even more so does my Heavenly Father (my God) love me.

Like the two thousand warriors spoken of in Alma 56:47-48... I do not doubt.

yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed... the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

I do not doubt that both of my parents knew God – knew firsthand of His love, and His tender mercies. It is my greatest desire to once again feel the arms of parental love surround me... and to live once more with my family. Life does not end with the death of the mortal body - it continues in one eternal round connected by family. I may no longer have immediate family in my life at this time... but I know this life is just the test, not the reward. May we all pass life's tests and receive the promised reward.

What a difference

Wow!! Two blog posts in a single day... a new record for me!! Amazing what a difference only a few short hours can make. A heavy dark cloud has hung over me all this week - and today it was especially difficult to handle. All day I tried not to succumb to the overwhelming pervading darkness - but I just wanted to crawl into my cave like a wounded animal, metaphorically lick my wounds and hide from the world. Dang that sounds way too familiar!! Like I have stepped back to a time and place where depression had complete and ultimate dominance in my life.

So what happened to change the course of the day and make a difference? I'll tell you what... it was two completely wonderful and seriously funny friends. Days ago they were heaven inspired to invite me over for an evening of playing games (and trying to make one of the cutest little babies ever smile). I love playing games - and I love getting babies to smile!! As a bonus... the little cutie even laughed!!

To be honest - there was a small part of me tempted to "call in sick" and stay home. But I knew from previous firsthand experience that isolation only feeds the depression, and does nothing but deepen the gloom. So I went - and had a GREAT time!! Thank you dear friends for helping me this evening - even if you did so unaware of the precious gift given and gratefully received. Tonight only reinforces my belief in the tender mercies of the Lord - and how He often acts through others to help in times of need.

Dear Life:

When I say, 'things couldn't get any worse' ...
please remember that is not intended as a challenge!!

Let there be light

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
~ Genesis 1:3-4

Last weekend I became the very excited (jump for joy & dance around the house kind of excited) and proud owner of... a new kitchen light!! Not just any light... but one located over my kitchen sink!!

You see, I have been without a light there for about a year now (my old one finally died). I know - horrible living conditions - how could I possibly endure it? When you do not have readily available the necessary monetary means - nor do you have any visible home improvement skills - you just deal without a light fixture in that location. And you remind yourself that there are people in this world who don't have a kitchen or even running water (that really puts it into perspective).

(sort of like this light - but much better looking!!)

After saving money - much looking around - decision making - I finally purchased a few months ago a beautiful "brushed satin silver fixed track light fixture" (say that five times really fast). This past Saturday, two dear friends, and wonderful neighbors, came to install the light for me!

He brought the necessary handy professional electrical skills to bring light once again to the darkened sink area. She brought with her the light of her amazing spirit and love! Together they are always a light of hope and love in the lives of so many people lucky enough to know them!! I highly value their friendship which is, and has been, a tremendous gift and tender mercy in my life!

Amazing what little bits here and there were so visibly illuminated when the physical light was finally shining forth!! Not to say that the kitchen sink area was abhorrently dirty... but there were definitely noticeable some previously darkened corners that could use a bit more elbow grease!!

This got me thinking about another source of light that comes into our lives - a much greater light than the physical ones we may have in our homes - and even greater than the light of the sun on a clear summer day! Amazing what little bits become so visibly illuminated in our lives when the spiritual light of Christ is able to shine into the darkened corners of our existence.

As grateful as I am for truly loved friends in my life... I hold an even greater and deeper gratitude and love for my Savior, and the light He freely shares with those who choose to know Him. Even during those times when I may be living in depression's grasp of darkness, and am at times unable to see or feel His warmth and light - I know He is constantly reaching out with His healing light of love. It is this knowledge that keeps me going, especially in those times when I most want to give up.

Butler and a Corgie

I should have a Butler, and a purebred Corgie dog - just like the Queen of England!! It all goes with my new image of being... snooty! Yes I said snooty!! (aka: arrogant, conceited, snobbish).

It all started a week or so ago when I changed my home and car insurance. In the process also obtaining a separate, and much more robust, earthquake coverage policy - which is underwritten by none other than... Lloyd's of London!! (ooooh - aahhhh)

For me the images associated with that phrase... Lloyd's of London... bring to mind a company that has been around for centuries (started in the 1600's) - and does not concern itself with the common or working-class. (Are you using your best royal English accent while reading this? If not then immediately return to the top and start again!!)

Therefore it should correlate that being insured by Lloyd's of London means I ought no longer entertain thoughts of being a plebeian commoner - but of upper-crust aristocratic blue-blood!! Correct?

ENHHH... wrong answer! (in case you are wondering, that is supposed to be a buzzer sound). Actually Lloyd's of London does do business with the masses and undistinguished. In the immortal words of a simple sailor... "I yam what I yam, Toot Toot!!" ... and that would be simple plain Jane me. But even Janes can still dream about butlers and corgies!

postscript:
a few days ago I wrote most of a post for my blog, and saved it as a draft. Yeah it's going to stay a draft indefinitely. Why you ask? Well... I know that I write a lot about dealing with depression on this blog - it helps me to "talk" about it. But re-reading this draft was making me even more depressed (hard to believe, but yeah) - and I can't find it within to publish. So instead this is what you get (and hopefully it is found to be more entertaining, something needed in many lives - including my own).

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