Mobius

Mobius Strip

Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat.
Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat...

Have you ever thought you were caught moving along life somehow trapped by seemingly repeating the same (or very similar) scenes over and over again? Yes, my life is stuck in a time loop - but with a half twist creating a never ending convoluted path (otherwise known as a Mobius Strip).

What lessons should I have learned by now (but obviously have not), that keep me repetitively walking along this long narrow strip? Even conversations with others (in person or written) appear to be somewhat patterned and cyclical in nature.

This life is a time to prepare, a time for growth and learning - to expand horizons beyond internal (but very real) fears - to reach out to grasp the blessings and greatness God intends for His children. The first step is to recognize what God would have me learn (something not easily done when depression is involved). But I have faith there is a way... and so will start with the four steps for effective scripture study outlined in an article I rediscovered again today... The Battle in Our Brains.

Now I need to get myself a notepad!!

---

Update: it has come to my attention that the link provided above may or may not be functioning properly. Thanks to a dear friend's awesome internet searching skills... here's another link to this same content! If the first link doesn't work, try this one!! The Battle in Our Brains

Fear of self

This past week I moved office locations - from one side of the valley to the other, and away from a building I have worked in for 19+ years. I am going to miss the people, miss being there every day, and miss the familiar and beautiful daily drive. As I was packing up, sorting through, and throwing away an accumulation of many things... I came across a small piece of paper I had laminated many years ago. Re-reading these words I was reminded of their beautiful truths, and why I have held onto it for so many years.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my "fears"... thanks to my counselor who helped me onto exploring that thought path. What is it that I seriously fear the most? What fears do I hold onto that may be hindering my growth and progress in the battle with depression? My own personal "deepest fear" is of being cut off from God (and not being able to return home to Him after this mortal existence is over). These re-discovered words also give great insight into fears...

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

What if?

What if you woke up today... 
with only the things that you 
thanked God for yesterday?

• What if I never ever had to constantly deal with clinical depression?
• What if there was no such thing as anxiety?
• What if my parents were both still alive?
• What if I were married and had children?
• What if there was a "get-out-of-pain-free" card?
• What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
• What if hope came easily, and fear was non-existent?
• What if I'm just not good enough?
• What if my self portrait really is shades of dismal gray?
• What if I didn't feel like crying, and want to hide from everyone and everything?
  
  (like I have been hiding from posting on my blog for the past couple of weeks... not really wanting to face the world... not wanting to admit, even to myself, yet another slog through depression's quicksands)

What if? ... What if? ... What if??
There are so many "what ifs" in life - almost as many as there are "whys".

I don't have the answers to any of these questions (well, except maybe the one about the hokey pokey)... but I do know where those answers can be found. However that will require that I stop trusting in the "arm of flesh"... set aside my pride, fears, anxieties -- and replace them with a renewal of faith and trust. Not sure how I moved from that place of faith... but I want to go back there!!

"[Jesus Christ] knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us (see Luke 10:34)... the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all."

(Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, November 2006)

Fears, phobias and dislikes - Oh My!

Like any normal human, I have my share of fears, phobias, and dislikes. I know some of you think I am not necessarily "normal" - and there are times I would agree with you on that point.

I am afraid of heights (Acrophobia)

There, I said it! I am afraid of heights. I do not like peering over the edge of a high place. I don't even like to climb a ladder - if I am going more than about 3-feet off the ground. High places should have sturdy walls, fences, or barriers to safely prevent falling.

That being said, in the past I have been rock climbing - followed by rappelling down. I was much younger then (and perhaps more stupid) - plus I was secured by a plethora of safety gear and ropes. Scared spitless, but fun and exhilarating. The sense of accomplishment and incredible views after obtaining the top - followed by the excitement, and terror, when coming back down. I don't think I shall ever do it again (old bones tend to break more easily) - but I shall treasure the moment of youthful exuberance (and stupidity) for a long time.

Also in my younger days I took a mule ride down into the Grand Canyon. Little did I know that the switchback trail down to the inner rim was steep and narrow. Nothing like one foot all but scraping the canyon wall, while the other dangled over the edge of what must have been a 7000 foot drop (at least it felt that way). I held a death grip on the saddle pommel - closed my eyes frequently and tried to continue breathing. All the while telling myself... if the Brady Bunch could do it, then so could I. In another blog post perhaps I'll tell you what happened later that day when riding back to the top of the rim.

I do not like to fly

Not that I have ever had the capability to sprout wings and take off into the sky. I am talking about being trapped inside a pressurized metal tube with wings - with no way out - and being mysteriously held aloft, thousands of feet up in the empty air (combined claustrophobia and acrophobia). I have flown in the past, and will probably fly again sometime in the future. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!! Perhaps I should see how many days it would be to take a train or a boat instead.

I have a bug and rodent phobia

There is nothing worse than bugs or rodents invading ones home. Ants, spiders, roaches or mice - no thank you!! My weapons of choice are - first don't leave your doors or windows open and unattended, inviting such beasties into your dwelling. If that doesn't work, then immediately reach for poison, traps, or a vacuum hose (for the smaller creatures). I am oh so thankful that I have no such infestations in my home - and I work hard to keep it that way!

Other fears, phobias and dislikes

In addition to Acrophobia (fear of heights) and Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces)... I also have Apiphobia (fear of bees) - and my Dad was a backyard beekeeper for years! I religiously avoided the backyard as a child, as much as I could.

Someone out there also must have some phobias that they would like to share. Perhaps you have one of these?

• Omphalophobia
• Panophobia
• Politicophobia
• Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia