Time passing

Am sitting here thinking that something should be posted on this blog to herald in the new year... sorry, but I seriously got nothing except for a few rambling thoughts about the passing of time.

When a birthday comes people sometimes ask, "how does it feel to be a year older?". Is it really an entire year, and should I honestly feel "older"? It isn't like I magically jumped forward a whole 365 days in one shot... but merely another day lived in a long and growing list of days.

The more days that pass directly corresponds to more thought going into remembering my current age (easily forgotten, and sometimes math is required)! No child-like answers proudly saying, "I am 6-and-a-half years old!!" For some reason that half-year which is so crucial when one is young - becomes less and less important with the passing of years as one blends into the next. Then you get to be really old... when one enters childhood once again, blithely stating that you are now XX-years-old (ancient of days to be sure - please fill in your own number that you consider to be "really old")!!

With a change from an old year to a new one, one sure thing is that an incorrect date will be mistakenly written numerous times over the next few weeks! Oh, and according to countless predictions... putting us ever closer to the end of the world on December 21, 2012!!

Happy New Year! May it not be our last one!

Easy peazy!

Well, that was easy!! Much simpler than originally anticipated to change the template on my blog. Now it is looking much cooler and more modern up-to-date than it was before!! Really helps to follow blogger template options, and not get stuck in that same ol' blog rut. Notice it still has a "green theme"... because green is my favorite color!!

Sometimes it is better to break out of a routine - think outside the box - and explore new options! Just need to make sure those options are 1) desired, and 2) brings improvement.

For someone who has literally spent decades living in a box - to "think outside the box" is not always a simple decision followed quickly by actions. Usually takes me much prior thought and consideration, weighing the cons and pros of each action in an OCD kind of way. However, in this instance for blog design changes, it wasn't as difficult to make that step! Thank you all for putting up with my blog quirks, and encouraging me to step it up a notch! Now I'm thinking maybe I should actually start putting tags (aka: labels) on the blog postings. Oh fiddle-dee-dee... I shall think of that tomorrow!!

Sock lint

I just have to say...
I HATE sock lint!!

Whew, glad to finally have that off my chest!

What is “sock lint”? Have you ever found little bits of - what can only be termed as lint - on the bottom of the foot, or between toes, when taking socks off at the end of the day? This, my friends, is the substance commonly known as sock lint. Well, it is commonly known by that name in the Musing’s household!

Where on earth does sock lint come from, and why doesn’t it ever seem to go away (especially after the socks have been laundered many many times)??

Theory: A sock industry conspiracy! The development of an increasingly disintegrating sock... along with compromised integrity in the toe area encouraging holes... which forces more frequent replacement purchases!

Either that or... 
sock lint aliens are plotting to take over the earth... one foot at a time! 

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blog follow-up: NO, I do not have "moist" (aka: sweaty) feet!!

thanks people for bringing up that additional unpleasant topic... LOL :D

Blog rut

Someone once said... the only difference between a rut and a grave are their dimensions. According to dictionary.com, being in a rut is defined as:

1. a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising
2. a narrow or predictable way of life, set of attitudes, etc; dreary or undeviating routine

Ruts are not really made for being creative. Don't believe me? Hey, just take a look at this blog as an example of being "unusually dull" and "dreary"... YES, I am in a BLOG RUT!! You see before you a basic pre-packaged blogspot template (soooo underwhelming and - I admit boring - even if green is my favorite color!!).

Most of my posts are merely words... very carefully thought out words which have gone through countless re-writes (both before, and sometimes even after posting)... normally with a "borrowed" internet photo (predictably in the same place - upper right corner). It has to be perfect - spelling, wording, spacing... I really must enjoy the tediousness of organizing on some level.

I read other's blogs, and am constantly amazed at the creativity out there! Great backgrounds - fun blog post content and layouts - also with interesting blog pages / profiles telling me more about themselves (providing much laughter with their delightful sense of humor!!). I really do admire (and yes... envy) other's abilities to color outside the lines in beautiful and unpredictable ways!!

Meanwhile I seem to repeat the same things over and over again - mostly due to my admitted limited artistic abilities (my school art teachers will confirm this very honest observation). Let's just say that I tend to do things in a very predictable and ordered manner - always working hard at staying within the lines.

Probably one reason why I used to do a lot of cross-stitch (before carpal tunnel smacked me). Cross stitch is an orderly manner of putting another person's design onto perfectly weaved cross-stitch cloth - just squares, colored floss and a detailed pattern to follow. And of course, I always made sure the backside of the cross-stitch was "almost" as perfect as the front. Again, you don't believe me? Why do you have doubts?

Okay, I am breaking with my standard blog protocol here... and posting personal, just taken photos of my last cross-stitch project (the friend's "baby" I was making this for I think has graduated high school by now) - and look at me!! I am not placing the photos in the upper right corner!! Woohoo - I'm getting creative??!!

Front view

Back view

Front close-up

Back close-up

Do you believe me now? I have come to know that my organized, predictable, slavish attention to details trait curse that I possess - is a huge obstacle in overcoming certain things. It makes it very difficult to make and accept changes in perceptions - because my mind has already ordered, categorized and filed them away in the cabinet of beliefs.

The whole process of picking out the stitches leading to depression, and re-doing the work is painful and time consuming. However, I must believe and have HOPE that in the end it will be worth it - and that one day I shall look at the cloth and wonder how something could have become so wonderful.

Choices

Elder Boyd K. Packer
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints

I have been pondering on the choices I make every single day (literally hundreds of choices)... how these choices can clearly affect myself and others... and how they can have an impact on dealing with depression (or any other illness). Depression for me has been so closely tied to my thoughts - which can lead to certain actions - which lead back to thoughts (a vicious circle at times).

For example: if I think I am of no value in the world - I then act accordingly - which then confirms that original and completely distorted thought. Everyone has value (even when - or maybe even more especially when that value is difficult to see)... 'cuz God does not make junk!!

I was recently lead to a wonderful talk given in the October 1980 General Conference - for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would like to share a few words from this talk... words spoken by Elder Boyd K. Packer, an Apostle of the Lord. I hope it brings you some level of insight and comfort - I know it did for me!

     The crucial test of life, I repeat, does not center in the choice between fame and obscurity, nor between wealth and poverty. The greatest decision of life is between good and evil.
     We may foolishly bring unhappiness and trouble, even suffering upon ourselves. These are not always to be regarded as penalties imposed by a displeased Creator. They are part of the lessons of life, part of the test.
     Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.
     Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.
     All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect.

(Boyd K. Packer, "The Choice"; Ensign, November 1980; emphasis added)

Sun through the clouds

Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall

Some days must be dark and dreary.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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I love going outside after a rainstorm as the sun starts peaking through the clouds! The air is fresh and the whole world appears to be somehow new. My favorite are cleansing spring or summer showers, where afterwards I can sense the stiring and delight in the sounds of nature.

Oh the lessons I have learned from the storms in my life... things that I would never have learned or experienced in any other way. If possible, and God willing, I never want to live in that same storm again... but am so grateful for what I was taught in those dark nights.

I have also recently learned to appreciate and love emerging from the cocoon of life's rainstorms. Have been experiencing a new and cleansed point of view of the world, and of my part in it. Spreading my wings, I delight in the small and simple things that seem to go un-noticed until after the long storm is over.

Believe it or not... (and I for one certainly have not always believed it)... Life Is Good!! Embrace the bad along with the good, and in the end it is the good which will eventually win the day (week, month, year, decade...). For me it has taken decades living in darkness - and now finally the light is starting to peak through those clouds!

Am certain there will still be clouds and storms in my future... for into each life some rain must fall...  but I need to remember the sun is always shining behind those clouds - and it is the Love that God has for all His children (including me)!! The sun peaking through the clouds in my life recently has reached a point where as of last week, I am now on 1/2 dose of the anti-depressant medication!! (but still the full dose of L-Methlefolate - and I'm so okay with that).

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.
The chances, the changes are all yours to make.
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.
~ Author Unknown

Junk mail

My life has been full of a series of one form of junk mail after another. Back in the day (yes, I am old enough to say that)... junk mail was delivered by the postman - usually addressed to “occupant”. I don’t receive much of the physical junk mail anymore (unless you count bills, like the recently received property tax notice... ouch!!).

Then there were junk faxes received at work... a complete waste of paper. Now with the explosion of the internet, email, social networking, smart phones, texting, etc. - junk mail can take on a whole new level of insidiousness (not to mention lewdness and garbage in so many different forms).

Those are only the physical manifestations of life junk mail... what about all the mental and spiritual junk mail that is also received on a daily basis? This type of junk mail is not always as obvious to see as others may be... but it can be way more damaging to the soul. It usually comes in the form of thoughts, such as...

• That was such a stupid thing to do/say...
• I will never be smart/good enough to...
• He/she/they really don’t like/love me...
• I am not worth that...
• If only I was...
• When this happens, then...
• I am a horrible _____ because...
• Everyone would be better off if I just...

From whence is the source of this type of junk mail? Certainly it does not come from God!! It can take years (if not a lifetime) to recognize this type of thought junk mail... but even when acknowledged, what can be done with it? The habit of believing such statements is very difficult to break - and when in a depressive state of mind it is much easier to quickly accept them as truth.

For me, often these negative thoughts come from activities of comparison to others (my bad to their perceived good). There always seems to be someone more intelligent, pretty, skinny, funny, etc., etc.. I try to accept others talents and skills as gifts (often hard earned), and not put myself into a comparison line-up... this is a habit not simply overcome, and easier said than done!!

How do you handle negative thought junk mail? I could certainly use some tips and advice from others on this topic... especially since I still struggle with it.

If only I could just...

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad

Ever have a bad day, when nothing seems to go right? I’ve totally been feeling like Alexander from the children's book... and even briefly toyed with the idea about moving to Australia (but as Alexander’s mom pointed out - everyone has bad days, even people who live in Australia).

A day is bad enough - but try having a bad week - or even a bad month!! Things have been really weird - up in the air - and not so positive at work lately. My team was told last week that we were going to be broken up - and moved to other software development teams - all due to a large reorganization in information systems. And get this... the way upper management decided to inform my team was in a conference call of all things!!

Then we were told that they don’t have everything in place with HR - so we won’t really know for sure where we are going for a couple more weeks yet. Pretty much the only good news from all this is that we all still have jobs... just don’t know what or where exactly that will be - nor what team we will finally end up working with.

Stress and change - both big trigger points for depression - but think I've handled it pretty well (so far). I found myself going through all the stages of grief (including periods of real anger!!) over all the losses that come with this change. But through it all - I know that I will be okay in the end - and after much prayer (and attending the Temple) - I have gained a sense of peace about it all. I just hope an ulcer doesn’t develop during this limbo waiting period.

Hummm.... if not Australia - maybe New Zeland?

A W O L

Yes... I have been Absent With Out Leave. Would love to point the finger of blame on various things, people, or happenings... but in the end the blog stops here! - and I am to blame. Currently mulling around some blog ideas in my muddled brain - though nothing is ready for prime time... yet.

So, in the interim I have decided instead to post this incredible song heard for the first time just yesterday!! I soooo needed to hear this message - hope you find inspiration in it too!  It is titled, Beautiful Heartbreak...

Weeds

I hated pulling weeds as a child... seemed like such a pointless effort. As soon as you think you are finished, suddenly more weeds magically appear overnight. Some say that pulling weeds builds character in children - but I always thought it was child slave labor at its worst... and aren’t there laws against that?

My parents were absolute prolific gardeners, with the entire backyard a veritable veggie farm (providing many opportunities for weed pulling character building). My Dad’s philosophy was... if a plant or tree didn’t provide something to eat, then it pretty much wasn’t allowed on the property.

I still hate pulling weeds, and at times allow them get way ahead of me. There is always that voice in the back of my mind reminding me of how futile my efforts are. Within a few short days the weeds will be back in full force, and I will need to start the process all over again. What is a weed anyway? Pretty much a plant growing where it is not wanted... undesirable, unattractive, and valueless.

This has led me to consider all the different weeds I have allowed to grow in my life garden that need to be pulled. There are a plethora of weeds - which through neglect or procrastination - have grown and matured; sinking down roots and choking out more desirable elements.

These weeds are a mixture of things like bad habits and distractions, along with other thorny plants. My life garden is quite overgrown and not looking the way I would prefer. If I will but allow the Master Gardener to take over - learn to listen to and recognize His guiding voice - this weed-patch of mine has the potential of becoming a much grander and more peaceful garden than any I can conceive of.

The garden He has in mind for me is painfully implemented as long nurtured plants are ripped out... deep holes dug here and there... boulders placed where I bruise myself stumbling along a changing path. Trees of all kinds planted in locations I am not so sure about... and a large variety of unfamiliar seeds.

Having faith in His expert design for my life garden does not make it easy. I pray for the strength to endure the whole weed pulling complete garden overhaul. I originally thought to make a small simple cottage flower garden - and instead His long term plan envisions a Garden of Eden.