Under construction

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything here... sorry 'bout that, but I have a really good excuse (I promise!!). This past year has been a time for my mind, body and spirit to be "under construction". Realizing that physical surroundings can have an effect (good or bad) - it became clear that some construction was needed for my home.

Basically it boiled down to the fact that I need to have more light in my home. The decor choices of my parents was soooo them, but really not me. Here is what the living room used to look like...

Wood paneling & wood burning stove.

Most light was promptly swallowed by all the brown colors.

So the remodel adventure began on January 3, 2011. It's not over yet... but the end is getting closer! First step was to move all the furniture out of the room (not an easy task). Then it was demolition time... now that was kinda fun in a way!

Stove now in the basement, built-in bookcase temporarily relocated.
But most important - the paneling is GONE!
(along with the sheet rock it was glued to)

New sheet rock was put in place!

Bad news: I added quite a bit to the project... the hallway, my bedroom, 7 new doors & 2 new windows.

Good news: my bedroom never had paneling on the walls (much easier to deal with).

Bad news: now where am I going to sleep during construction?

Good news: my parents made the kitchen large enough to do double duty!!

Yeah, that's my queen size bed... in the kitchen!!

At this point in time there is paint primer on the walls, and all new trim and moldings around doors / windows. I am currently in the process of caulking everything in preparation for color to go on the walls - then the carpet can be laid - then I can move furniture back into the proper rooms (especially my bed!). Finally there comes what could be the worst part of the entire project... total cleaning of everything in all rooms, because of all that sheet rock and wood cutting dust that's everywhere!

When will I have time to post something here again... who knows. Guess it all depends on how long I want to sleep in the kitchen!

A big THANK YOU goes out to my wonderful neighbors and friends - who have generously donated their time and skills to this project. Without them, none of this could have been accomplished!!

Life in 3-D

My life has been full of 3-D experiences... better know as... Detours, Diversions, and Distractions. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the differences between each of these influences on my life path.

A detour is fairly obvious - running into a warning that the bridge or road ahead has been washed out - and a sign pointing to a different route around the problem. My internal map and travel plans can get turned upside down when this happens. Such detours have sent me on wondrous journeys, many times through very rough terrain and unexpected difficulties. I have been offered vistas that were not always fully appreciated at the time. They have also provided learning opportunities that could not have been received in any other way.

Many detours will alter lifelong personal expectation. To never marry nor have children has been a big one for me. For others it may be the death of a loved one - to lose the ability for them to grow old together. I have friends with debilitating health problems that have affected their living a so-called "normal" life. My detours on one hand cause drastic changes in personal life plans - but on the other hand provide opportunities to instead learn about, and accept, the Lord's plan for my life.

The other D's - diversions and distractions - offer a whole different thought process. A diversion is the action of turning aside from a course. It is a choice made to wander off and take an alternative route - even if thought it will be only for a short while. This is done through purposeful decisions and actions on my part. There is always great risk in doing this, and the real possibility of not making it back to the Lord's desired path for me.

I have many favorite quotes, gathered from people so much wiser than myself. Lately this has been one that has really stuck with me...

Many individuals preoccupied by the cares of the world are not necessarily in transgression. But they certainly are in diversion and thus waste "the days of [their] probation" (2 Nephi 9:27) ~Neal A. Maxwell

I am thankful every single day for the wisdom and guidance always available to me through reading the scriptures, or listening to the words given by apostles and prophets. They offer warnings that should be heeded - to help avoid diversions leading elsewhere or to nowhere. Without this counsel, it would be so easy to wander off in an unintended direction, becoming hopelessly lost.

This naturally brings to me the image of traveling in a wilderness, with only a compass to keep me headed in the right direction. I know where I should be going, and if I pay attention to the readings of the compass, it will eventually lead me to shelter and safety. It is my guide through the winding twisting landscape. If I become careless it will be that much easier to become distracted with surrounding scenery, animal life, or even the weather. I will soon be diverted from my original course, ending up in a place I had no intention of going to, and not able to easily extract myself from.

The wonderful thing is that the Lord doesn't leave us alone in life without a guide or pointer. If I live my life according to His will, I am entitled to the assistance of the Spirit. I just need to keep my eyes more focused on the Lord's compass, and not allow surrounding chaos and confusion to separate me from the still small voice that will lead where I so want to be.

This brings me to the third D - distraction. This is something that divides my attention, preventing concentration. It is so easy to become distracted when every day seems to require the accomplishment of dozens of things. Each with its own supposed level of importance - and I get simultaneously pulled in multiple directions. It is difficult to choose between equally good things - and also leave space for that which is essential. A choice made today can seriously affect my future by limiting or eliminating possibilities and options.

There are many things in my life that I need to guard against becoming so dominant, that I become distracted from that which is most important. It takes a conscious effort to minimize the clutter, especially in today's electronic world. Internet, cell phone, television, movies, music... (I'm sure you can come up with a multitude of your own items for that ever growing list). Is there a more significant use for my time than spending it on fleeting worldly distractions?

Sometimes the most productive "point and click" application is that of pointing our finger at the power button and clicking our digital devises off. ~Elder Scot D. Whiting

Don't get me wrong, some distractions are needed and can be a healthy way to relax and rejuvenate my mind and body after a stressful day. But I need to also be aware of keeping it in balance. There is a difference between distractions that last for a reasonable amount of time - and that of participating in mindless activities for hours, wasting copious amounts of time. I am very much guilty of wasting time in such fruitless pursuits.

I am reminded of the rich young man in Luke chapter 18, who asked Jesus what was needed for him to inherit eternal life. This man had kept the commandments from his youth - but in the end was unwilling to give up his riches when invited to sell all that he had and follow the Savior.

What are my treasured diversions and distractions, to which I cling in a similar manner as this man his riches? Ahhh, that's for me to discover and work on. Get your own list!!

Past and future self

Around this time every year, I gleefully dig out my different movie versions of that classic Charles Dickens tale, A Christmas Carol. Having read the book - I must admit that, in my opinion, it is sooo much better on the screen than the pages of a very long book. The best screen presentation is the 1999 version with Patrick Stewart - closely followed by the 1951 black and white film with Alastair Sim. The other film versions only gather dust on a shelf, because they don't really measure up.

I have always been intrigued by the concept presented in the account of Scrooge, where he was given the opportunity to spend time viewing his past, present and future. I have often had a fleeting desire to go back in time, and correct some perceived mistakes made in my younger (and more stupid) period of life. But, like Scrooge, all I can do is look at and think about - but not change my past.

Greek mythology speaks of the three fates; sisters who spin people's life threads, weave them into a tapestry, and finally cut the thread of life at the time of death. What would happen to my life tapestry if I were able to change just one thing from my past? For it is my past which makes up my present - and present acts and decisions lead me to my future. What relationships, events or life lessons would I unravel and destroy in a clumsy attempt to re-weave my past?

I am grateful to have the gift and ability to repent of past mistakes - and grateful that it is not possible to change the past. If it were possible, I'm certain given my "creative skills", my life tapestry would turn out even worse than I perceive it is now!

The past is to be learned from - but we should not desire to live there. I can look back and claim the lessons learned through experience and trial - and bring the best ones with me to the present. This then gives a foundation on which to stand while looking forward with faith and hope to the future.

Faith is confidence or trust that is always pointed to the future - and hope is an expectation of things to come. I need to have both faith and hope in myself, looking beyond my own weaknesses and fears, reaching for promises I have been given.

It is because of fear, and a wish to protect my weaknesses (real or imagined) that I have on occasion thought of a return to a time that cannot be lived in again. Or being dissatisfied with present circumstances, have a desire to jump past the pain of the here and now into the future with thoughts of... "when this happens", or "things will be better after".

When my expectations of the future do not happen according to my thoughts, plans, and timetable - that is when I most need to step back and place my life and faith in the hands of God; to allow His plans and timetable to happen. I recognize a need to continually set aside the destructive thoughts (easier said than done) - for it is not about where I have been, it is where I am now, and how decisions made in the present will take me where I am desirous to go.

The Prophet, Thomas S. Monson (current president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) has given us a "guide to your eternal happiness" - comprised of three simple steps...

1. Learn from the past [your own past, and that of others].
2. Prepare for the future... remember the promise of the Lord: "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" (D&C 38:30). Fear is a deadly enemy of progress.
3. Live in the present. Sometimes we let our thoughts of tomorrow take up too much of today. Daydreaming of the past and longing for the future may provide comfort but will not take the place of living in the present. This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it.
   ("In Search of Treasure," Ensign, May 2003)
   

In the words of Paul the Apostle, "Now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (1 Cor 13:12). Hope leads me to an expectation that someday, like Paul (and like Scrooge) - when I can finally see myself as I am seen, and know as I am known, what I find in the end will turn out to be good and positive.

Invisible me

Many years ago I remember laying in bed at night, before drifting off to sleep, wishing that I had a broken arm or leg - something that others could physically see was wrong with me. I wanted someone, anyone, to "see" the pain I was in, and not accept my lies of healthiness. One of the frustrating things about depression, is that it is not a visible illness. Like others with invisible illnesses, I wanted someone to recognize and acknowledge my reality.

A clinically depressed person becomes very good at building walls, and using creative excuses to explain what is happening to them. They are in effect isolating themselves from others, because there is the feeling that you should not impose yourself on anyone else. Distorted thoughts tell you that by so doing you might drag that person into your world of darkness and somehow infect them. This is something not to be wished on anyone, and so the anguish continues in deafening silence. I am finally at a point where I can attempt to break the silence myself, and allow people a glimpse inside my walls.

Those self imposed walls do not easily allow others to come in. It takes a lot of courage and empathy - along with knowing that often resistance will be given - to break through the walls. Even if that contact of love and friendship is strongly desired, and appears to the depressed person as pure manna from heaven.

In my personal opinion, the worst of all things that plagues someone suffering from clinical depression is that... spiritual thoughts and strengths which offer guidance and comfort are gone. You long for the warmth of the Lord's Spirit, but because of depression are unable to feel it. Emotions felt are guilt and gloom, where reality becomes negative and distorted. Prayers often appear to go unanswered, bouncing off a very low ceiling.

Unable to recognize why the Spirit has seemingly abandoned you - then you start to think that God no longer loves you, and that depression is your punishment for all your apparent failures. You find it difficult to love yourself, so why should anyone, including God, love you. This falsely perceived spiritual abandonment appears to be evidence that you must have committed some sin, and are no longer considered to be worthy. Even though no memory of sins committed come to mind to prove your distorted hypothesis.

I recently read an ecclesiastical leader's perspective on depression that has helped me immensely, and gives me hope... "Guidance by and blessings of the Spirit are still given, but they may not be recognized. Ironically, at a time when the member [of the church] most needs to feel the presence of the Spirit and know that she is loved, depression injures the ability to feel this comfort. Without question, depression colors the perception of the member. Heavenly Father loves all his children, including those with depression, and he still answers their prayers. The presence and influence of the Holy Ghost can still direct their lives." (Reaching for Hope, an LDS perspective on recovering from depression, p131).

My prayers no longer bounce off a low hanging ceiling, I know that God is listening - even if I can't feel it in my heart the greater majority of the time. I have vivid and distinct memories to which I cling with my whole being - of times when I have been cradled in the arms of my Savior, and felt His love for me so real. I may not be able to feel heaven's love now - but I have felt it in the past, and this I cannot allow myself to ever forget. This is what gives me strength to hold fast to the iron rod, continue on, and not give up on life.

Magic wand

It has taken a great deal of faith and effort to open myself up by writing about a life-long battle with clinical depression. I am feeling quite vulnerable by doing this, but for me it is a step towards healing - and not a desire for sympathy from others, only that of understanding.

I have heard of clinical depression being compared to the "magic wand" scenario. Imagine yourself laying on a sofa, completely weighted down with a tremendous heavy burden that leaves you totally unable to move. A mere 10-feet away on a table is a magic wand, which with one simple wave will banish the burden and restore you to health. You truly want to take hold of that wand and give it a wave - but the mere thought of moving to do that is too overwhelming. You are completely unable to get yourself off the sofa.

The apparent simplicity of this scenario is one reason why non-clinically depressed people can find it difficult to understand or relate. Why would someone not be able to move just a few feet to grab the wand - knowing that it will help? Clinical depression is that which keeps you weighted down on the sofa and unable to move. In reality there is no "magic wand" - only hard work, perseverance, prayer, counseling, and in many cases medical prescriptions.

I have been able to mask depression in my life, to hide the problem from other people, and myself. I can be "on" when it is expected, and then have a complete shut-down later that same day. Sometimes it can take every ounce of willpower to just do elementary things like get dressed, go to work / church, or even simply pick up the phone to make a call. I am not sure why it is called "depression" - that evokes thoughts of a dip in the road or something else quite harmless. You feel that you are somehow broken and unable to make decisions, even when it is a choice between two good things. Depression is not a choice - one cannot just "get over it" by going shopping, seeing a movie, going to dinner with friends, or taking a long walk. It is not the same as sadness, which everyone experiences, and relatively quickly can rise above it again.

Depression can entrap a person and cause them to languish in darkness anywhere from hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. I have literally had years of feeling fine and functioning normally. And then with no warning, I again find myself spiraling into cloudy darkness - and start to think that the absence of light is now "normal". That this is just something to be endured, to suffer through, and pray to not yield to the dark thoughts - for they can take you places you do not wish to go.

Maybe in another blog posting I will talk about how clinical depression can have a huge impact on how you view your relationship with God, and other people. But I think this is enough for today.

True confessions of a functional depressive

A little something you probably never knew about me... I have spent a lifetime honing my skills and achieved many years ago the level of "master" in the art of making both masks and boxes. Not the type of mask worn once a year on Halloween; my finely crafted masks are worn every single day of the year. And my one box creation cannot be seen by others, except though the use of an inner light.

I have worn many different styles of masks in my life. Some are reflective of my true self, while others are false; an illusion worn from time to time to help hide, or shield, my true self. At times I even fool myself and am not always certain who I really am, nor how many layers of masks I am wearing at a time. Peal one away and discard it, only to find another mask beneath.

Most often worn are the masks of humor, and its twin, happiness. These are my greatest creation, and I wear these smiling masks often. They are the most effective in my collection. When I laugh, make others laugh, and portray the illusion that all is bright - I can for a moment in time hide, even from myself, the reality which lies beneath.

That which cannot be hidden behind the mask of humor, is easily concealed by wearing the masks of tiredness and exhaustion. The catch-22 of wearing these masks is that at times I really am overly tired, or actually happy. The trick is to be able to recognize when things are real, and when they are but an illusion. It is at night and when alone, when no one else can see me, that the masks finally come all the way off.

True confession time: I am what can be called a "functional depressive". I'm sure you who know me probably don't believe this statement. After all I am very practiced and skilled at portraying the grand illusion that all is well. And I do so with a great measure of success.

Daily I have viewed the outside world from within the darkened confines of my one and only box creation. It is a small but substantial, yet empty, box. It is a place of entrapment. At the same time there is a familiarity that, interestingly enough, provides a certain semblance of security (better the devil you know...). I have often longed to escape, and envisioned myself continually pressing my hands against the walls and ceiling, desperately trying to find a way out (not unlike one of those annoying mimes that you just want to shoot). Every once in awhile a breach in the barricade has been found, and I escape for a time - only to wake up once again back in the box, wondering if it was all just a dream.

Clinical depression goes beyond what is commonly thought of as a down mood, or situational sadness; when a person is still able to have some element of enjoyment in life. This depression on the other hand can totally drain a person of their interest in life and connections with other people. It can, in effect, erase ones personality traits and alter who they really are.

Viewing life through the lenses of depression is analogous to the words of Paul the apostle who spoke of seeing "through a glass darkly" (1 Cor 13:12). This is a very apt description of how a person in depression view themselves, relationships, and the world in general. Everything is overshadowed with a darkness, where joy and happiness are considered to be figments of imagination. Thoughts and resultant feelings are skewed and distorted from what is truth and reality. However, these same thoughts and feelings are so integrated and entwined in a severely depressed person's mind that they are honestly believed to be absolutely true.

I have passed in and out of many episodes of clinical depression in my lifetime - some much worse than others. Severe depression is a scary and dark place full of painful, almost unbearable, despair. It is during these times that I have truly believed things like... I am and will always be completely alone. Friends, light or joy do not exist in the "real" world. Everyone would be better off if I weren't around. If there is a God, then why would He abandon me in a place like this? I must be an unworthy sinner to be left in the darkness like this. And many other such distorted thoughts would fill my mind.

It is a blessed and wondrous thing to announce my latest escape from the box wherein I have lived so many endless days and nights. My hope is that this time my escape may last. The shadow of my former prison is still there, and probably will be for the rest of my life. It is waiting for me to step back inside, should I choose to do so. I do not choose to do so! No one in their right mind would willingly make such a choice - but many times depression is not a choice. I still have my "bad" days, but thankfully they are not remotely equal to my very "worst" days.

I sincerely wish to offer my eternal thanks, first to my Heavenly Father - who I know will never give up on me, even when I have sunk into darkness and doubt. To the few people in my life who I have allowed to know about my struggles. Without their love and constant support, I wouldn't have made it this far. Other people, not even knowing my state of mind, have also been inspired and have reached out to me in friendship. Inviting me into their homes and into their families, at a time when I truly needed it the most. All these acts of love and fellowship have done wonders to strengthen my anchors holding onto life and hope. Without all this (and more), I'm not exactly sure I would still be here.

So here I am... bruised and battered, but still climbing the mountains in this game called life. One day I pray to be able to say, as did Paul, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim 4:7).

My #1 deadly sin

The seven deadly sins are:

• Lust
• Gluttony
• Greed
• Sloth
• Wrath
• Envy
• Pride

Each of these sins deal with not only actions - but also very much with thoughts and desires. The vision that comes to mind when considering "gluttony" is that of someone who is over-indulgent and over-weight due to over-eating. However, gluttony does not apply only to appetite for food. When "wants" overcome "needs" we are not just guilty of over-eating... but of over-desiring.

I am a glutton - I freely admit it. My gluttony problems refer less to food, and more to my thoughts and body capitulating to addictive desires for meaningless so-called "entertainment". How many precious hours have I squandered in the act of devouring such empty activities as computer games, television, or just browsing the internet? Yes, I am a glutton for mindlessness - even as I desperately attempt to justify my wasteful actions.

• I'm too tired to do anything but sit here
• I deserve this break
• This is a good television show (but it is in reality substandard mediocre tripe, soon to be forgotten)
• I'll do that other thing tomorrow - or maybe the day after

I am convinced that procrastination walks merrily hand-in-hand with gluttony - they make quite the co-dependent pair.

The more I give into these thoughts - the more I seem to desire rolling around in the gluttonous non-action of doing absolutely nothing productive or useful. Laziness at its finest! I do understand the need for downtime - a release from the pressures of life, and recharging one's batteries. However I also believe that if I am not careful, my gluttonous behavior will eventually lead to a full and unconditional surrender - and then what?

Instead of always giving into the gluttonous appetite of my brain's pleasure center and cravings for mindless entertainment - moderation in all things needs to be my mantra! Never give up, never surrender - Temperance shall become my name!!

Mind voices

Do you ever feel like you just don't belong anywhere? Kinda like you are operating in analog, while living in a fully digitalized world - not quite fitting in (and certainly not fully functional). At times I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin - because I know this person I am now is not my true self. She was hidden, or lost, a long time ago (at least it seems that way to me).

I am not really able to exactly remember my true self - the being I was before coming into this mortal realm. Once in awhile I see brief glimpses of her - she is quite spectacular! Then my mind voices harshly tell me it must be a figment of my imagination - and I often believe those cruel voices.

Yes, I have many voices in my head, and they tell me all sorts of things. Some are true, but many are totally false. How can I determine which of those voices I should heed? That is something I am still trying to learn - which can often be a painfully difficult process. There are times when I wish those conflicting mind voices would just go silent - allowing me to ponder and think without interruption!!

I have noticed there are many people who attempt to escape their mind voices using various self-destructive abusive means and behaviors. Then there are others who believe so fully the mind voices, that they lose their current and future selves. Trapped they are not able to see past their own distorted thoughts.

I have decided to not attempt an escape, but instead to take the difficult path of confronting the distorted mind voices - insisting that they prove themselves to be true before I believe them. It is not easy, and I am often deceived by my own mind voices. However with patience and persistence it is my goal to silence the deceitful mind voices, thus allowing the clear voice of my true self to finally come to the forefront. I am sure that I shall be quite bruised and battered before reaching the end of this chosen path. But there is a small voice inside that keeps whispering it will be worth it.

Fears, phobias and dislikes - Oh My!

Like any normal human, I have my share of fears, phobias, and dislikes. I know some of you think I am not necessarily "normal" - and there are times I would agree with you on that point.

I am afraid of heights (Acrophobia)

There, I said it! I am afraid of heights. I do not like peering over the edge of a high place. I don't even like to climb a ladder - if I am going more than about 3-feet off the ground. High places should have sturdy walls, fences, or barriers to safely prevent falling.

That being said, in the past I have been rock climbing - followed by rappelling down. I was much younger then (and perhaps more stupid) - plus I was secured by a plethora of safety gear and ropes. Scared spitless, but fun and exhilarating. The sense of accomplishment and incredible views after obtaining the top - followed by the excitement, and terror, when coming back down. I don't think I shall ever do it again (old bones tend to break more easily) - but I shall treasure the moment of youthful exuberance (and stupidity) for a long time.

Also in my younger days I took a mule ride down into the Grand Canyon. Little did I know that the switchback trail down to the inner rim was steep and narrow. Nothing like one foot all but scraping the canyon wall, while the other dangled over the edge of what must have been a 7000 foot drop (at least it felt that way). I held a death grip on the saddle pommel - closed my eyes frequently and tried to continue breathing. All the while telling myself... if the Brady Bunch could do it, then so could I. In another blog post perhaps I'll tell you what happened later that day when riding back to the top of the rim.

I do not like to fly

Not that I have ever had the capability to sprout wings and take off into the sky. I am talking about being trapped inside a pressurized metal tube with wings - with no way out - and being mysteriously held aloft, thousands of feet up in the empty air (combined claustrophobia and acrophobia). I have flown in the past, and will probably fly again sometime in the future. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!! Perhaps I should see how many days it would be to take a train or a boat instead.

I have a bug and rodent phobia

There is nothing worse than bugs or rodents invading ones home. Ants, spiders, roaches or mice - no thank you!! My weapons of choice are - first don't leave your doors or windows open and unattended, inviting such beasties into your dwelling. If that doesn't work, then immediately reach for poison, traps, or a vacuum hose (for the smaller creatures). I am oh so thankful that I have no such infestations in my home - and I work hard to keep it that way!

Other fears, phobias and dislikes

In addition to Acrophobia (fear of heights) and Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces)... I also have Apiphobia (fear of bees) - and my Dad was a backyard beekeeper for years! I religiously avoided the backyard as a child, as much as I could.

Someone out there also must have some phobias that they would like to share. Perhaps you have one of these?

• Omphalophobia
• Panophobia
• Politicophobia
• Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia

Creativeness

I have determined that in order to write entries for a blog - one must be feeling somewhat creative. My lack of posting anything recently is most likely due to my oh so UN-creative mental lapse this past number of months.

Also, I am not able to post bunches of photos of my non-existant children to fill up the space - and in so doing make pretend that I am actually posting something out here. I have considered renting some kids just so I can post their photos on my blog. But honestly I can think of many other (and probably better) ways of spending my money.

So, if anyone reads this and feels truly sorry about my lack of creativity - I welcome ideas or photos, which I can then post on my blog. Of course, I shall take full credit for your submissions. But perhaps then you will not be so bored when on the rare occasion you visit this blog.