Staying within the lines

Color!! (ain't it purty?)

I color within the lines
living by the rules
doing what I have to do
doing what I must do
it is who I am
     ~ Messy Musings

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Even as a child with coloring book and crayons in hand, I was compelled to color within the lines. Not using just any color in the box... it had to be the “correct” color! The sky was never purple or green - always blue. The sun was never pink - always golden, and the grass always green. Other crayons were carefully selected and color coordinated - no clashing colors next to each other allowed! It was an idyllic world in my coloring book where I had absolute control.

The last couple of weeks have been less than idyllic, and far from controlled. I was once again caught in the seemingly never ending mists of depression. And then this past Monday... surprise!! There was once again color and light in the world!!

Yesterday I met with my wonderful counselor, where we talked about what I did to pull out of the colorless world of depression. For some reason I seem to possess certain instincts which have been learned and developed over a period of many years. Actions that are innately known to help shield, protect, or literally step away from the precipice. Simply put, without these learned behaviors I would not be alive today and writing this blog.

It is a fact that many times exercise and physical movement can help with depression. I mentioned to my counselor that I started riding my bike again last week.
     Why?
Because I was tired of walking, was my response.
     But how did I manage to get myself out of the house and on the bike?
I dunno, because I had to.

Please don’t think I am anything more than I am. Getting out and moving was sincerely not an immediate response on my part... it did take me a number of depression wallowing days to get to that point (along with timely sound wisdom from a dear friend - thanks Mel, I love you)!!

Why do I call myself a “semi-functional depressive”? Honestly I often function merely because I have to... there are no other options. The degree and level of functioning varies differently from day to day - hearkening back to the age-old debate of needs versus wants. When struggling with depression I may “want” to shut myself up separate and alone in a darkened house - but "need" to push myself to leave that confine and associate with others (even if it is only done virtually online through email or this blog). Every little bit can help, if I allow it into my life.