A Mess of Musings

5 random things

Today I decided to join "Random 5 Friday" in conjunction with another blog, a rural journal. It's my first time doing this - hopefully it will become a weekly event!

After almost two months living in the dark pit of a seemingly never ending battle with depression, I am finally (and for reals) coming out of it!! How can I tell? When I stop being envious upon hearing someone has passed away - and start having interest and excitement in things, events, and life in general again!! (hoping this time I can keep my head above the surface... light and air is a good thing)
Had a LASIK "touch-up" (basically a re-do of last year's surgery) on my left eye this week. At the next day follow-up appointment, was told I am once again sitting at 20/20 vision!!
Went clothes shopping after that appointment, to celebrate - and to keep up with replacing my entire wardrobe. Spring is here... turtlenecks and sweaters hopefully won't be needed for too much longer! Buying new clothes is the most expensive part about losing weight, but it's fun too (especially shopping in "normal size" stores)!
In January I sent some "before and after" photos of my weight loss to friends at work. Forgot one of them works in Public Relations, DOH!! Was asked if he could write something in the corporate newsletter about my success - and here is a link to that story (hope the link works for you). Good thing about this... gives me more motivation to maintain the weight!!
It is now Spring, but obviously from the blizzard outside this morning, we are experiencing "second winter". Honestly, I would much prefer "second breakfast" to winter!! Bahahahaha!!

For the past few years now I have been collecting short thoughts and observations about life and depression. Many of these are written by me, others were gathered from one place or another. Some are funny (at least they are to my strange and dry humor), but mostly they are just true to one degree or another. And many of them I probably will not be posting on facebook, so of course into my blog they go!!

These are listed in no particular order, which really goes against my "must be organized" brain... but I'll get over it. Please note that I did delete a number of them, because the post was getting way too long (it's still long, sorry 'bout that). Am apologizing in advance if someone takes offense at one, any, or all of these.

Is medicated for your protection.
This will be a good day. This will be a good day. This will be a good day. Yeah right, I don't believe me either.
My head is a dangerous neighborhood, and I should never wander there alone.
Everyday I say I'm okay. Everyday I lie.
The smile you see on my face everyday is fake. You may wonder how I can fake it so well - just know that I have been practicing for a long time.
There are days, like today, when I wish I could just disappear - and see who would really care.
Hiding from the world sounds good right now.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long.
Am thinking it's time to disappear for a while... a LONG while.
Hate that feeling when you are absolutely sure you've hit rock bottom - but you keep on falling.
Am tired but don't want to go to sleep - because then tomorrow will be here and it starts all over again.
If you ever see that I'm having a down time, don't ask me what's wrong. Just give me a hug, and let me know that you truly care about me. In other words, lie.
It's hard to smile when everything feels so wrong. But it's even harder to tell people why it feels that way.
Ever feel like you're sinking in quicksand, and nobody is around to pull you out?
Fake smile, check. Fake laugh, check. Fake sparkle in my eye, check. Pain hidden inside, check. Ready to lie to the world again!
Ever feel like you just don't belong... that you shouldn't be here... that you shouldn't exist?
I'm just... really tired.
Someone once asked me - "Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?". I replied, "Why do you assume I see two roads?"
Just breathe - because sometimes it's ALL you can do.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake... good.
Sitting here thinking, "what did I do to end up like this?"
Have learned that it's better to just say you're okay than try to explain why you're not. How do you explain something that you don't know yourself?
Know I'm good for something... just haven't found it yet.
Just when I think I've hit rock bottom... the floor collapses under me and I keep falling.
Sometimes I smile to make the others around me feel good - and I laugh because I want people to think I'm alright, when I'm really not.
The people who laugh and smile the most are the ones in the most pain. Laughing and smiling isn't just the best medicine, it's the best disguise
Sometimes you feel like you just want to die - but in reality, you just want to be saved.
Just when you hit rock bottom and think you can't go any lower... OH lookie there's a sink hole.
Do you ever feel like you're stuck in quick sand... and the more you struggle and try to get out, the faster you sink?
How do you take the next step - when you don't know where you're headed.
You might not be able to tell, but each and every day is a battle for me - and one of these days I might lose.
Sometimes what doesn't kill you only makes you wish it did.
Definition of Depression: a slow evil monster that every time it appears to be gone, it sneaks back (sometimes with a vengeance).
I will do as I have always done... endure.
Sometimes you don't need someone to pull you out of the darkness... just need them to sit there with a candle, letting you know you are not alone.
Telling someone with depression to "get over it", "quit living in the past", or "snap out of it"... is like telling someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk - or asking a blind person to just look harder, and they will see it.
"I'm fine" -or- "I'm just tired" - are the biggest lies I have ever told.
Am looking forward to the time when I can laugh and smile at the same time... and really mean it.
Got up this morning, took a deep breath and told myself that I can do this. That feeling sure didn't last very long.
I'm broken... thanks for asking.
Wishing for the waves of sleep to come crashing over me -- so I may fall into a dreamless unconscious, and finally obtain sweet oblivious peace.
Had a bad dream once that I tried to wake up from and couldn't. Then realized oh wait!! I'm awake and this IS my life.
Am looking forward to something to look forward to.
Think maybe it's easier to keep the wall up... dig a moat... and add piranhas.
Wonders how strong God thinks I am for putting me through all this.
I'm a survivor!! Every day I have Depression AND everyday I survive it!! May not mean anything to you, but it means facing another day for me.
Have a hard time understanding why I feel the way I do some days - but have come to realize that each time I make another day, I've won the battle (but the war goes on)
Words cannot describe how I feel right now, *sigh*
I must be wishing on the wrong star.
Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive 'til my sanity returns.
Just. Can't. Do. Today. May I be excused?
"Are you OK?" - "Yeah, I'm just tired." The perfect excuse.
When people ask if I'm "okay" - I tell them I'm "fine". Then I laugh because I almost believed my own lie.
Sometimes silence is the loudest noise
Some wounds are invisible - but they are more painful than the ones you can see.
Wish I had a reason to go to work other than paying for bills - and a reason to go home other than sleep.
What does it say about life when I have to bribe myself to get out of bed in the morning - with the promise that if I make it through the day, I can go back to bed?

No, really

Nothing much happening in my life which to write about lately, hence the protracted blog absence.

There are no delicious recipes to share (am a horrible cook).

No clever DIY projects to talk about (not that skilled/creative).

And no cute family antics/photos to share (first requirement for that is to actually have a family).

Truth be known, I lead a very prosaic and common life. But I repeat myself. According to the online thesaurus, those two words, "prosaic" and "common", are synonyms. Those along with... boring, mundane, drab, ordinary, and vapid. And that fairly sums up my life.

Okay, there might be something I could possibly dredge up - but it's pretty much a cyclical repeat of the past few years. Yup, once again this past month (or more) found myself in depression's grasp. Interesting thing about depression - it can come and go with a timetable all its own. It's on the way out now, leaving behind a lingering lack of interest in most everything. Sigh... don't worry, that too will pass. Eventually.

We now return you to your regular, and way more interesting, internet activities.

Tender mercies

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord

are available to all of us and that the

Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow

such gifts upon us."

~Elder David A. Bednar,

of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

General Conference, April 2005

Just a little something I needed to hear today!!

Experiment

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart;

~Doctrine and Covenants 59:18

Formulated Question:
Do the 100% Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade essential oils from doTERRA really work, or are they just good smelling liquid hokum?

Hypothesis:
Essential oil benefits are definitely plausible. This conclusion was arrived upon after gathering copious amounts of information from numerous separate sources; observing empirical results of oil use by others; listening to numerous testimonial stories of the oil effectiveness; and reading documented studies on essential oil health benefits. Also the historical use of oils is quite vibrant, and spans centuries.

Prediction:
Result of using the oils will either be a complete epic fail - or an overwhelming success

Test:
This morning I topically applied a citrus blend oil in the manner previously instructed to help alleviate stress, anxiety and elevate mood (things much needed in a life with clinical depression). Note that at the time I was not cognizant of freezing rain weather conditions outside (an extremely rare occurrence in this state).

I then spent 2-hours driving to work on a sheet of ice (normally takes maybe 30-minutes), surrounded by other hapless commuters attempting to obtain the same goal. Taking the bus and allowing another person to brave driving on my behalf is not an option for a plethora of reasons. There were numerous observed accidents and slide-offs the entire length of the journey.

Analysis:
The essential oil citrus blend WORKED!! I felt zero amounts of anxiety while on the road, and none for the rest of the day either!! My mood overall was incredibly peaceful, calm and upbeat. Body and mind reactions to previous similar driving experiences provide indisputable proof to me, that the essential oils used this morning were indeed effective!!

Conclusion:
Today was an unplanned test by fire (thanks to mother nature), and the doTERRA essential oil benefits passed with flying colors! Increases my faith in the stated effectiveness on health and well being their other oils can be in my life!!

Ultimate Goal:
Set aside the man-made synthetic elements (along with all the inherent side-effects) found in prescription anti-depressant medications... and instead make use of the natural elements God has provided for healing and health!!

Run away!

Yesterday I read an amusing blog post by someone I admire... What to put in your "runaway" bag. Brought back memories of my own childhood - and the times I would get angry at my parents, or my brother, or simply the unfairness of childhood stuff. In that state of mind I would resolve to just "run away"!!!

Where would I go? Even at a very young age, I knew that creature comforts like food and shelter were very necessary - preferably provided by someone I was familiar with (mostly because I was actually quite shy, and didn't trust many people). Therefore the runaway plan inevitably included the final destination of my grandparent's home... I knew they would never turn me away!

This in turn brought up problems, other than the ones being experienced in the anger of the moment. Namely the fact that my grandparents lived 200 miles away, in another state, and I wasn't nearly old enough to drive!! Not being able to reach the pedals and see over the dashboard at the same time can easily dissuade thoughts of driving. Even if I was old enough (or tall enough) to drive, I did not own a car - and the thought of stealing one never occurred to me (hummm... wonder what I would have done if that thought had popped into my head back then?).

Here is where the "meticulous-planning-in-advance-gene" that I am blessed/cursed with, kicked into full gear. Excessive travel distance definitely took walking out of the picture! Decided I wasn't one of the pioneer children crossing the plains, and therefore did not need to walk, and walk, and walk, and walk. This then lead to thoughts of other transportation possibilities - namely taking a bus! But bus rides required money, of which I did not have much. Again, stealing was not found in the myriad of thoughts running through my head (I was actually a very good girl - with only one candy theft on my record from years earlier - which I repented of and won't go into the details right now).

Since I was too young to get a job my only means of obtaining money was... from my parents in the form of a weekly allowance!! There it was! I now had a direction and plan to carry out my running away desires! Knowing how much I "earned" in allowance each week, plus guesstimating the cost of a bus ticket, and adding in a little extra for "just-in-case" events (like maybe needing to eat, one never knows how long a journey can take!). Using simple addition math skills, which even at age 5 or 6 was not too complicated... that all came later with multiplication, division and fractions... finally I came to the conclusion that it would take me a few months to hoard my allowance funds. THEN (and only then) would I be adequately prepared to run away!

There is a problem with having the "meticulous-planning in advance gene" when you are a kid with big ideas... by the time a day or two passed, I had gotten over my anger of the moment. Then instead of saving for bus fare, weekly allowance funds were spent on truly vitally NOW important things... like candy at the drug store!! Looking back, I never even went as far as to pack a bag for the trip - after all plans indicated it wouldn't be a reality for a number of weeks yet! But I do have memories of making a list of things I wanted to take with me.

Interesting, I still make lists... and with few exceptions they often turn out to be just as "non-useful" today as they did 40-something years ago. But I still make lists... excuse me while I go check off, "write on blog today" from one of last year's lists!!

Dichotomy of stress

An interesting dichotomy occurs in my life when it comes to how I deal with stress. Okay, maybe it's only me (then again, maybe not)... but often when confronted by stressful situations and thoughts, I find myself maintaining mutually exclusive methods of either coping or shutting down. There doesn't seem to be an in-between middle ground or overlapping of the two... picture a WWI era "no man's land" separating the two trenches of defense.

There are days when I can work through the process and face the stress from external or internal sources. And then are the other days when I can't even face myself in the mirror, let alone look at a seemingly overwhelming life situation. Guess this hearkens back to the basic automatic "fight or flight" response... only for me it's a "just deal with it" or "fetal position curl-up and hide" response.

I find a need for to once again revisit processes previously learned (utilizing such things as mindfulness and being in the now) - to reduce or eliminate the negative impact of stress on body, mind and spirit - and especially the negative impact on overall health.

The goal is to focus on just one small portion at a time - don't bite off more than I can chew! This video is an impetus behind my first step - because it has helped me better recognize what is needed. Also I love watching the drawing (even if it totally shames my complete lack of artistic talent)!!

Solstice of peace

the Oreo has never let me down!!

Tomorrow will be an eventful day - and no, I'm not talking about the "end-of-the-world" Mayan calendar ending scenario. Tomorrow happens to be December 21st, otherwise known as the Winter Solstice.

In the northern hemisphere it is also known as the shortest and darkest day of the year. And if today is any indication, it will be a very cold day too (at least for those of us living in the "hades-has-now-frozen-over" climates)!!

The warmth and extended sunshine hours of summer are greatly missed - but there is a calm peaceful restfulness that comes with winter - a time of rest before the renewal of Spring. I choose to believe it is this which makes me want to hibernate in my warm bed for excessive hours of the night (and morning). A much nicer explanation than one of attempting to escape mental darkness via the sweet oblivion of sleep.

Actually this winter I am not as depressed as I have been in the past - it's a Christmas Miracle - for which I reach out to my God with much gratitude!!

It is my HOPE and PRAYER that the season's peace might spread throughout the world - comforting those in need, and who are grieving - calming the stirrings of hate and war.

CHRIST is the reason for the season - and may everyone have a very Merry CHRISTmas!!

Good Tidings of Great Joy

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Inspiring

What beautiful music and video - touching the heart and soul with a reminder of all that is good in this world - and honoring what this season is about... the the priceless gift of the birth and life of
the Savior of the world, even Jesus Christ!!