Cobbled dessert

Decided to try something new, and post a recipe!! Yes, you heard me... I actually cooked something today with the intent to share with others. So far no one has died, that's good news!! Normally I don't try to inflict my sad culinary lack of skills on others - but this was too good to not share!

True confession: it's not my recipe, I pilfered (ahem) borrowed it from some dear friends. But since these photos and blog are mine - I shall take the applause!! Thank you, thank you!!

Here's what you'll need - along with photos of the process (mistakes and all)...

empty/used containers
(well, except for the butter)

forgot to start taking pictures
until this point (ooops #1)

dry cake mix, looks good, right?

here comes the butter (ooops #2)
(will explain this below)

fresh out of the oven...
can you see the "ooops" yet?

thanks to good friends
helping me to eat this!!

second helping... YUMM!!

So... can you guess the "ooops"?? Because I did not drizzle the butter - slowly - covering the entire cake mix - there were powdery components still on the top after removing from the oven!!

Note to self: take more time, do it right!!

Congrats to me!! I actually made whipped cream. From a carton. None of the fake stuff for this goodness!! Of course thanks to my lack of kitchen skills - had to ask friends on facebook how exactly one makes whipped cream. Glad I could be the source of amusement for so many! Now I know how to make whipped cream from scratch (maybe not "scratch" - I didn't milk the cow nor separate the cream)... where was I? Oh yes... now that I know the secrets for real whipped cream - feel free to contact me for help with that if needed!!

And now to provide the actual recipe, so you too can "slave away" making a great desert to impress make jealous, your own family and friends! This is so rich and decadent and delicious, people will praise your culinary skills.

BLUEBERRY COBBLER
(from the kitchen of John & Leslie McLean)

• 1 can crushed pineapple (drained)
• 1 can blueberry pie filling
• 1 box dry cake mix (yellow moist - never white)
• 1 cube butter (melted)

In an un-greased 9x13x2 cake pan, layer the ingredients. Seriously, no need to grease the pan at all because it doesn't really stick!

- spread drained crushed pineapple over bottom of pan
- cover that with the blueberry pie filling
- sprinkle entire dry cake mix over the top
- carefully drizzle (not pour) melted butter over everything... making sure to hit all of the cake mix (do not repeat my ooops!!)
- bake for 2-hours at 300 degrees
- serve with real whip cream (not the fake stuff from a tub)

Sunday will come

         Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
         But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
         No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.    Joseph B. Worthlin

He Is Risen

He is risen! He is risen!

Tell it out with joyful voice.

He has burst his three days' prison;

Let the whole wide earth rejoice.

Death is conquered; man is free.

Christ has won the victory.

(Cecil Frances Alexander)

More randomness

Am thinking this "Random 5 Friday" is a good thing... it is at least getting me on my blog and writing again!! Thank you shout-out to my blogging friend, Tina, for bringing this weekly "random fun" with A Rural Journal to my attention!!

1. Been thinking a lot about my Mom this week. She had an infectious laugh. Even if you didn't know her, when she laughed everyone in the room just had to join in! Really missing everything about her, especially the sound of her voice and the unconditional love and support that was so freely given.
2. Toying with the idea of maybe buying a motorcycle (emphasis on the "maybe"). Hard to justify a purchase like that because I would not be able to use it much of the year, thanks to cold weather in the late Fall, all Winter, and early Spring. Well there's that and the whole helmet wearing bad hair thing. Oh and I also don't really possess any skills, or even basic know-how, for operating a motorbike. But they do get fabulous gas mileage!
3. Never to my knowledge have I ever been a "morning person". In fact, I simply hate mornings. My brain really does not begin functioning until around 10 or 11 a.m. (and caffeine of any type is not an option, thanks to it making me quite physically ill). Of course depression, for me, can only exacerbate the whole ugly morning scenario. There are many many days where I'm honestly just doing good to get out of bed. That being said, must admit that I have been privileged to see a few truly spectacular sunrises in my lifetime. Too bad they occur so darn early!!
4. Found out earlier this week why Easter occurs at different times, anywhere from March into April every year. It is the first Sunday - after the first full moon - after the Vernal Equinox (aka: first day of Spring). Guess I never really thought about that before. Now we are all just a little bit more knowledgeable and prepared to amaze others with the amount of somewhat useless information stored in the brain!
5. This week I bought yet another book to read... because reading around five of them at the same time apparently just wasn't enough! What am I reading, you ask? Even if you didn't ask - I'm going to tell you anyway!!

• Scriptures. I try to read from the scriptures every day. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of course the Book of Mormon plays a large part in my scripture reading. But so too does the Holy Bible!!
• Light in the Wilderness, by M. Catherine Thomas
• Return: Four Phases of Our Mortal Journey Home, by Robert D. Hales
• As I Have Loved You, by Kitty de Ruyter-Bons
• After My Son's Suicide, by Darla Isackson. Reading this book I have learned so much about the Atonement of Christ, and am very grateful for the author's honesty and insights.
• Which all leads me to the book I bought this week... The Continuous Conversion, by Brad Wilcox. Having previously read his other fantastic book, The Continuous Atonement, I was so excited to see this new book I just couldn't wait to buy it and start reading!!

It can take me longer to finish books than maybe an average person, because I keep hopping from one to the other and back again! Yes, I do finish reading them (eventually)... in fact this past year I finished these most excellent books...

• Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness, by Chris Williams
• Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph over Obesity, by Pamela H. Hansen
• Reaching for Hope: An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression, by Meghan Decker

It is interesting what you can learn about a person from what they choose to read. What have you learned about me from this list of books?

5 random things

Today I decided to join "Random 5 Friday" in conjunction with another blog, a rural journal. It's my first time doing this - hopefully it will become a weekly event!

1. After almost two months living in the dark pit of a seemingly never ending battle with depression, I am finally (and for reals) coming out of it!! How can I tell? When I stop being envious upon hearing someone has passed away - and start having interest and excitement in things, events, and life in general again!! (hoping this time I can keep my head above the surface... light and air is a good thing)
2. Had a LASIK "touch-up" (basically a re-do of last year's surgery) on my left eye this week. At the next day follow-up appointment, was told I am once again sitting at 20/20 vision!!
3. Went clothes shopping after that appointment, to celebrate - and to keep up with replacing my entire wardrobe. Spring is here... turtlenecks and sweaters hopefully won't be needed for too much longer! Buying new clothes is the most expensive part about losing weight, but it's fun too (especially shopping in "normal size" stores)!
4. In January I sent some "before and after" photos of my weight loss to friends at work. Forgot one of them works in Public Relations, DOH!! Was asked if he could write something in the corporate newsletter about my success - and here is a link to that story (hope the link works for you). Good thing about this... gives me more motivation to maintain the weight!!
5. It is now Spring, but obviously from the blizzard outside this morning, we are experiencing "second winter". Honestly, I would much prefer "second breakfast" to winter!! Bahahahaha!!

Just sayin'

For the past few years now I have been collecting short thoughts and observations about life and depression. Many of these are written by me, others were gathered from one place or another. Some are funny (at least they are to my strange and dry humor), but mostly they are just true to one degree or another. And many of them I probably will not be posting on facebook, so of course into my blog they go!!

These are listed in no particular order, which really goes against my "must be organized" brain... but I'll get over it. Please note that I did delete a number of them, because the post was getting way too long (it's still long, sorry 'bout that). Am apologizing in advance if someone takes offense at one, any, or all of these.

• Is medicated for your protection.
• This will be a good day. This will be a good day. This will be a good day. Yeah right, I don't believe me either.
• My head is a dangerous neighborhood, and I should never wander there alone.
• Everyday I say I'm okay. Everyday I lie.
• The smile you see on my face everyday is fake. You may wonder how I can fake it so well - just know that I have been practicing for a long time.
• There are days, like today, when I wish I could just disappear - and see who would really care.
• Hiding from the world sounds good right now.
• Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long.
• Am thinking it's time to disappear for a while... a LONG while.
• Hate that feeling when you are absolutely sure you've hit rock bottom - but you keep on falling.
• Am tired but don't want to go to sleep - because then tomorrow will be here and it starts all over again.
• If you ever see that I'm having a down time, don't ask me what's wrong. Just give me a hug, and let me know that you truly care about me. In other words, lie.
• It's hard to smile when everything feels so wrong. But it's even harder to tell people why it feels that way.
• Ever feel like you're sinking in quicksand, and nobody is around to pull you out?
• Fake smile, check. Fake laugh, check. Fake sparkle in my eye, check. Pain hidden inside, check. Ready to lie to the world again!
• Ever feel like you just don't belong... that you shouldn't be here... that you shouldn't exist?
• I'm just... really tired.
• Someone once asked me - "Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?". I replied, "Why do you assume I see two roads?"
• Just breathe - because sometimes it's ALL you can do.
• Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake... good.
• Sitting here thinking, "what did I do to end up like this?"
• Have learned that it's better to just say you're okay than try to explain why you're not. How do you explain something that you don't know yourself?
• Know I'm good for something... just haven't found it yet.
• Just when I think I've hit rock bottom... the floor collapses under me and I keep falling.
• Sometimes I smile to make the others around me feel good - and I laugh because I want people to think I'm alright, when I'm really not.
• The people who laugh and smile the most are the ones in the most pain. Laughing and smiling isn't just the best medicine, it's the best disguise
• Sometimes you feel like you just want to die - but in reality, you just want to be saved.
• Just when you hit rock bottom and think you can't go any lower... OH lookie there's a sink hole.
• Do you ever feel like you're stuck in quick sand... and the more you struggle and try to get out, the faster you sink?
• How do you take the next step - when you don't know where you're headed.
• You might not be able to tell, but each and every day is a battle for me - and one of these days I might lose.
• Sometimes what doesn't kill you only makes you wish it did.
• Definition of Depression: a slow evil monster that every time it appears to be gone, it sneaks back (sometimes with a vengeance).
• I will do as I have always done... endure.
• Sometimes you don't need someone to pull you out of the darkness... just need them to sit there with a candle, letting you know you are not alone.
• Telling someone with depression to "get over it", "quit living in the past", or "snap out of it"... is like telling someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk - or asking a blind person to just look harder, and they will see it.
• "I'm fine" -or- "I'm just tired" - are the biggest lies I have ever told.
• Am looking forward to the time when I can laugh and smile at the same time... and really mean it.
• Got up this morning, took a deep breath and told myself that I can do this. That feeling sure didn't last very long.
• I'm broken... thanks for asking.
• Wishing for the waves of sleep to come crashing over me -- so I may fall into a dreamless unconscious, and finally obtain sweet oblivious peace.
• Had a bad dream once that I tried to wake up from and couldn't. Then realized oh wait!! I'm awake and this IS my life.
• Am looking forward to something to look forward to.
• Think maybe it's easier to keep the wall up... dig a moat... and add piranhas.
• Wonders how strong God thinks I am for putting me through all this.
• I'm a survivor!! Every day I have Depression AND everyday I survive it!! May not mean anything to you, but it means facing another day for me.
• Have a hard time understanding why I feel the way I do some days - but have come to realize that each time I make another day, I've won the battle (but the war goes on)
• Words cannot describe how I feel right now, *sigh*
• I must be wishing on the wrong star.
• Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive 'til my sanity returns.
• Just. Can't. Do. Today. May I be excused?
• "Are you OK?" - "Yeah, I'm just tired." The perfect excuse.
• When people ask if I'm "okay" - I tell them I'm "fine". Then I laugh because I almost believed my own lie.
• Sometimes silence is the loudest noise
• Some wounds are invisible - but they are more painful than the ones you can see.
• Wish I had a reason to go to work other than paying for bills - and a reason to go home other than sleep.
• What does it say about life when I have to bribe myself to get out of bed in the morning - with the promise that if I make it through the day, I can go back to bed?

No, really

Nothing much happening in my life which to write about lately, hence the protracted blog absence.

There are no delicious recipes to share (am a horrible cook).

No clever DIY projects to talk about (not that skilled/creative).

And no cute family antics/photos to share (first requirement for that is to actually have a family).

Truth be known, I lead a very prosaic and common life. But I repeat myself. According to the online thesaurus, those two words, "prosaic" and "common", are synonyms. Those along with... boring, mundane, drab, ordinary, and vapid. And that fairly sums up my life.

Okay, there might be something I could possibly dredge up - but it's pretty much a cyclical repeat of the past few years. Yup, once again this past month (or more) found myself in depression's grasp. Interesting thing about depression - it can come and go with a timetable all its own. It's on the way out now, leaving behind a lingering lack of interest in most everything. Sigh... don't worry, that too will pass. Eventually.

We now return you to your regular, and way more interesting, internet activities.

Tender mercies

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord 

are available to all of us and that the 

Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow 

such gifts upon us."

~Elder David A. Bednar, 

of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

General Conference, April 2005

Just a little something I needed to hear today!!

Experiment

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart;

~Doctrine and Covenants 59:18


Formulated Question:
Do the 100% Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade essential oils from doTERRA really work, or are they just good smelling liquid hokum?

Hypothesis:
Essential oil benefits are definitely plausible. This conclusion was arrived upon after gathering copious amounts of information from numerous separate sources; observing empirical results of oil use by others; listening to numerous testimonial stories of the oil effectiveness; and reading documented studies on essential oil health benefits. Also the historical use of oils is quite vibrant, and spans centuries.

Prediction:
Result of using the oils will either be a complete epic fail - or an overwhelming success

Test:
This morning I topically applied a citrus blend oil in the manner previously instructed to help alleviate stress, anxiety and elevate mood (things much needed in a life with clinical depression). Note that at the time I was not cognizant of freezing rain weather conditions outside (an extremely rare occurrence in this state).

I then spent 2-hours driving to work on a sheet of ice (normally takes maybe 30-minutes), surrounded by other hapless commuters attempting to obtain the same goal. Taking the bus and allowing another person to brave driving on my behalf is not an option for a plethora of reasons. There were numerous observed accidents and slide-offs the entire length of the journey.

Analysis:
The essential oil citrus blend WORKED!! I felt zero amounts of anxiety while on the road, and none for the rest of the day either!! My mood overall was incredibly peaceful, calm and upbeat. Body and mind reactions to previous similar driving experiences provide indisputable proof to me, that the essential oils used this morning were indeed effective!!

Conclusion:
Today was an unplanned test by fire (thanks to mother nature), and the doTERRA essential oil benefits passed with flying colors! Increases my faith in the stated effectiveness on health and well being their other oils can be in my life!!

Ultimate Goal:
Set aside the man-made synthetic elements (along with all the inherent side-effects) found in prescription anti-depressant medications... and instead make use of the natural elements God has provided for healing and health!!

Run away!

Yesterday I read an amusing blog post by someone I admire... What to put in your "runaway" bag. Brought back memories of my own childhood - and the times I would get angry at my parents, or my brother, or simply the unfairness of childhood stuff. In that state of mind I would resolve to just "run away"!!!

Where would I go? Even at a very young age, I knew that creature comforts like food and shelter were very necessary - preferably provided by someone I was familiar with (mostly because I was actually quite shy, and didn't trust many people). Therefore the runaway plan inevitably included the final destination of my grandparent's home... I knew they would never turn me away!

This in turn brought up problems, other than the ones being experienced in the anger of the moment. Namely the fact that my grandparents lived 200 miles away, in another state, and I wasn't nearly old enough to drive!! Not being able to reach the pedals and see over the dashboard at the same time can easily dissuade thoughts of driving. Even if I was old enough (or tall enough) to drive, I did not own a car - and the thought of stealing one never occurred to me (hummm... wonder what I would have done if that thought had popped into my head back then?).

Here is where the "meticulous-planning-in-advance-gene" that I am blessed/cursed with, kicked into full gear. Excessive travel distance definitely took walking out of the picture! Decided I wasn't one of the pioneer children crossing the plains, and therefore did not need to walk, and walk, and walk, and walk. This then lead to thoughts of other transportation possibilities - namely taking a bus! But bus rides required money, of which I did not have much. Again, stealing was not found in the myriad of thoughts running through my head (I was actually a very good girl - with only one candy theft on my record from years earlier - which I repented of and won't go into the details right now).

Since I was too young to get a job my only means of obtaining money was... from my parents in the form of a weekly allowance!! There it was! I now had a direction and plan to carry out my running away desires! Knowing how much I "earned" in allowance each week, plus guesstimating the cost of a bus ticket, and adding in a little extra for "just-in-case" events (like maybe needing to eat, one never knows how long a journey can take!). Using simple addition math skills, which even at age 5 or 6 was not too complicated... that all came later with multiplication, division and fractions... finally I came to the conclusion that it would take me a few months to hoard my allowance funds. THEN (and only then) would I be adequately prepared to run away!

There is a problem with having the "meticulous-planning in advance gene" when you are a kid with big ideas... by the time a day or two passed, I had gotten over my anger of the moment. Then instead of saving for bus fare, weekly allowance funds were spent on truly vitally NOW important things... like candy at the drug store!! Looking back, I never even went as far as to pack a bag for the trip - after all plans indicated it wouldn't be a reality for a number of weeks yet! But I do have memories of making a list of things I wanted to take with me.

Interesting, I still make lists... and with few exceptions they often turn out to be just as "non-useful" today as they did 40-something years ago. But I still make lists... excuse me while I go check off, "write on blog today" from one of last year's lists!!

Dichotomy of stress

An interesting dichotomy occurs in my life when it comes to how I deal with stress. Okay, maybe it's only me (then again, maybe not)... but often when confronted by stressful situations and thoughts, I find myself maintaining mutually exclusive methods of either coping or shutting down. There doesn't seem to be an in-between middle ground or overlapping of the two... picture a WWI era "no man's land" separating the two trenches of defense.

There are days when I can work through the process and face the stress from external or internal sources. And then are the other days when I can't even face myself in the mirror, let alone look at a seemingly overwhelming life situation. Guess this hearkens back to the basic automatic "fight or flight" response... only for me it's a "just deal with it" or "fetal position curl-up and hide" response.

I find a need for to once again revisit processes previously learned (utilizing such things as mindfulness and being in the now) - to reduce or eliminate the negative impact of stress on body, mind and spirit - and especially the negative impact on overall health.

The goal is to focus on just one small portion at a time - don't bite off more than I can chew! This video is an impetus behind my first step - because it has helped me better recognize what is needed. Also I love watching the drawing (even if it totally shames my complete lack of artistic talent)!!