A Mess of Musings

As promised

Yes, I did promise to post updates on how I'm doing with the whole "going off anti-depressant meds" thing. Still trying to wrap my head around it and sort though things. Am more emotional now than I was before. For me the meds provided a type of barrier which I hated, but also miss at the same time. Not sure if that makes much sense.

To fulfill my desire to post something, anything, on my blog -- I am resorting to a simple grouping of random photos. These are photos I've ~~stolen~~ (ahem, collected or borrowed) from the internet over the past few years - many of which were saved with the intention of possibly using them in a blog post. Well, here's my opportunity.

Interpret these photos however you wish. For me they are simply beautiful black and white photography... interesting images... and I'm just too tired to write a thoughtful blog post right now.

Choice

Have I... chosen wisely?

Has it really been almost an entire month since anything has been posted on this blog? Why yes... yes it has been a long time. The old me would feel incredibly guilty and apologize profusely. The current me... well I shall say I am truly sorry and just let it go. Because it is what it is - and my time machine isn't functioning properly to allow me to go back and post something.

What have I been up to this past month? An ~~adventure~~ choice in medication that's what, and one which is quickly drawing to a close. What is this choice of which I speak? Tapering completely OFF of anti-depressant medications... oh my! And an interesting journey this has been.

Please note that going off of medications of any kind is *not* for everyone - so please don't change what you are doing merely because someone you know (virtually or for reals) is doing it. Also with many medical situations it is not advisable to discontinue using medications. One simple analogy that might make sense... it’s not a good idea for a diabetic to stop using insulin.

This is a decision that I arrived at only after...

careful consideration and research of all consequences (both the good and bad)
consulting with a qualified medical professional (many meds require careful tapering of dosages... cold turkeying it is *not* advised)
continuing to work with a qualified (and awesome) counselor - who is supportive of my choice to take this path
telling a few close friends about this choice, and asking them to keep an eye on me (just in case)
and most important, in my book at least, asking my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing (because important journeys should always include inviting God to be your co-pilot - and life in general is an important journey!)

There was a time when I just knew meds would be my daily companion for the rest of my life. How could I possibly cope without them? It has not been an easy decision - nor an easy path getting to this point. Plus viewing the journey forward I know it will require climbing over some very rugged and at times steep uphill terrain. That being said, I believe I am ready for this challenge.

Completion of the medication taper will not be final until October 7th, one month exactly after starting. In future posts I will attempt to explain some of my multitude of reasons behind this choice - and provide updates on how I am doing.

Life weaving

The Master Weaver’s Plan
by: Benjamin Malachi Franklin

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver’s hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

(this poem was often quoted by Corrie ten Boom

as she traveled and spoke around the world)

Gone bananas

Banana Cake with
Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting

DISCLAIMER:
Recipe adapted, and photo borrowed, from blog link listed at the end of this post. Big thanks going out to Mel's Kitchen Cafe (who is way more talented in the kitchen than I am).
*******************************************

Decided to go for something different on my blog this week and post THE most delish dessert I've had in... was going to say "forever" or a "very long time" but will settle for... most delish in weeks!!

Banana Cake:
½ cup butter, softened
1½ cups white sugar
2 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (about three)*

Preheat oven to 350° - grease 9x13 pan
In large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth
Beat in eggs, one at a time
Stir in sour cream and vanilla
In separate bowl - combine flour, baking soda and salt
Stir into batter
Mix in mashed bananas
Spread evenly into prepared pan
Bake for 30 to 35 minutes - until golden brown on top, and toothpick in the center comes out clean
Allow to cool completely before frosting

*Tip for using extra-ripe bananas:

When you have bananas which are over ripe, but don't have time to bake anything... don't throw them away! Instead throw the whole bananas, peel and all, into the freezer (yes the peel will go dark brown in the freezer - that's perfectly okay).

At a later date remove from freezer, place on counter-top (or plate) and allow to thaw completely. Using kitchen sheers cut off bottom of banana peel, and squeeze the now perfectly mushy banana out. After thanking Mother Nature for the natural banana protector from freezer burn, discard the now useless peel,

Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 (8oz) pkg cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup confectioner’s sugar (I also added 2 large spoonfuls)
⅛ tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1½ cups heavy whipping cream

In large bowl combine cream cheese, sugar, salt and vanilla
Beat until light and fluffy - set aside
In another bowl beat whipped cream until stiff peaks form (use chilled bowl and chilled beaters for best results)
Fold whipped cream into cream cheese mixture
Spread the delightful frosting over the cake (then fight or draw straws over who gets to lick the bowl)

recipe source: http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2008/11/banana-bars-with-whipped-cream-cheese-frosting.html

Playing with skunks

You can't play with a skunk and not stink

It's interesting what you can learn about people by looking at what they surround themselves with. What's that old saying?... "You can judge a person by the company they keep."

Well if anyone wanted to learn more about me, there are a lot of things that could be looked at...

what media I watch or listen to - easily determined by the DVDs and CDs found in my home and car.
television shows watched, or computer games played
the food in my refrigerator and cupboards
clothing worn or found in my closet and drawers
books on my bookshelf (both virtual e-reader, and hardbound)
history of websites I visit

All of these (and many others) easily show how and what I choose to spend my time with - because that is the company that I keep. Eventually people become what they surround themselves with.

Lately I've been experimenting with doing more cooking at home. So far so good, no one has gotten food poisoning or died. Yet. One thing I've taken more to heart lately is experimenting using sauces or marinades to enhance the flavor of foods... to immerse or bathe foods in different substances. There is a correlation (at least in my mind there is) between food and those elements in which I immerse myself.

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker and author said:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

He also said:

You are the average of the five people you hang around with.

What influences and habits in my life are a result of the five people I hang out with the most? Do they help me improve and better myself, or is the opposite of that more true? In turn I also have to ask... what is my influence in their lives?

Have you ever noticed that people often start talking or behaving like their friends? As a literal example: over 25 years ago I had a friend from London, England. We spent a lot of time together, and quickly I discovered that my American/Utahn accent would fade in her presence... I was attempting to speak using an English accent (or a close approximation of one). This was not done to mock or disparage, merely an unconscious acquired action on my part, picked up from "hanging around" her. Of course it didn't help that I was completely fascinated by an English accent - thinking it to be quite brilliant!

President Gordon B. Hinkley said:

All of us are the products of the elements to which we are exposed.

What would happen if everyone were to surround themselves with - immerse themselves in - great thoughts, feelings, books, music, etc.? Dare I say that the toxic waste found in our lives would fade, only to be replaced by the good, more peaceful and beautiful things in life? Ah, that sounds "quite brilliant"!

Forever I am grateful for all the positive and uplifting influences in my life - past, present and future. As a side note, just so you know, I look fantastic wearing black and white!! But honestly hope to avoid hanging out with skunks, or becoming one myself!!

p.s. - sorry for being skunky
and not posting anything on my blog for over a month.

Climbing up

Castle Rock

A long time ago, some friends convinced me to go rock climbing with them and some others at Castle Rock. Said I to them, "I don't have a lot of upper-body strength." They replied, "You mostly use your legs, don't worry you'll be fine." The day after I couldn't move or even lift my arms. At all. Yeah, looks like they misled me about that (thanks Brian & Henry)! However my painful & pitiful arms are not the crux of this story... so moving on.

Standing at the bottom looking up, Castle Rock seemed oh so formidable. Considered to be a "beginners" rock climbing adventure, not even close to being on a par with other places my friends often went (i.e. Pinnacles National Park). Nonetheless it was more than challenging enough for me! How the heck does one climb vertically without a ladder or stairs?

Henry went first, going up the easier to climb backside of the rock - carrying some climbing ropes for us to use - which were secured at the top, and belayed at the bottom. All harnessed up I started to climb - with Brian instructing me from below where and how to place my hands and feet the entire way up.

Didn't think I would ever make it!! Just when I thought the top had certainly been reached, there was even more rock to climb! It was so much more difficult than any sport I'd done before, mostly because of the lack of upper body strength... OH and the fact that I have a very healthy fear of heights!! But I knew the rope was secured, that I wasn't going to fall, and Brian was very helpful with his patient guidance.

Finally I made it to the top! Sat down to rest while others in the group climbed up. What an amazing view from the top of Castle Rock. The Santa Cruz mountains are simply gorgeous, I looked down over a landscape filled with trees, and there in the distance I could even see the Pacific ocean! Yes it was hard to make the climb, but the sense of accomplishment, incredible view and profound peace found in nature is something I shall long remember. Then we got to rappel down, which was very daring for me, a bit scary, but admittedly quite fun.

There are a few things I want to keep in my remembrance from this experience...

the climb up is always difficult
guidance is needed
having the safety of a rope (aka: lifeline) is important
and the view from the top can be spectacular

I don't go rock climbing anymore. Am currently on a different, difficult and steep journey right now. As I said a few weeks ago, I am grateful for inspired wisdom and guidance from counseling and ecclesiastical leaders. They are helping me to find foot and handholds on the rocky cliff. The all important lifeline? That would be my Savior, Jesus Christ - who stands firm to keep me from falling on the jagged rocks below.

It is actually scary to think that my life can ever be any different - I have lived with false and negative thoughts/beliefs about myself for so many decades now - that is what's "normal" for me. There is the desire for HOPE that I shall eventually reach the summit - absorb what I anticipate will be a breathtaking view - and finally learn how to accept and see that I am NOT "broken, contaminated, ugly and of no value".

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
Book of Mormon, Alma 32:26 (emphasis/italics added)

To be, or not

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings & arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
~William Shakespeare (Hamlet: Act 3, Scene 1)

Life for me is chalk full of the many ubiquitous "should" phrases.

I should write more often on my blog
I should stop playing on the computer so much (games/social media) and instead read or do something of worth for a change
I should be better at obeying speed limit laws when ~~driving~~ (ahem, barreling) down the freeway
I should reach out, help others and be of service
I should be able to drag myself out of the house, go for a walk, ride my bike, weed my yard, or even do the dishes/laundry/dusting, etc.
I should go to bed earlier, which should help me to wake up earlier, which should allow me to get to work on time
I should be better at saying daily prayers and meditating
I should be journaling more of my thoughts and feelings
I should eat less fattening/comfort foods and focus more on nutritious foods
I "could" go on and on, but you get the idea

Then there are those days when simply getting out of bed in the morning is a great accomplishment.

Where do you live in time?

I tend to split my time living in both the past and the future.

Past: Coulda, woulda, shoulda: three words that are only filled with regret and second guessing. They are theoretical conditions, sometimes described as "wishful thinking". Living a life focused on the past provides no real solutions to actual problems. What has past is past; enjoy the successes and learn from the mistakes without allowing them to dominate the present.

Future: Having a future orientation can be helpful in setting goals; however focusing on the unknown can also bring fear and make life more difficult. It can be a waste of time to be constantly looking forward to, or dreading, "what might be". Living in the future is full of phrases like: "When this happens" or "If only". Each of these is inevitably followed by the word "then".

Present: How many people are actually capable of living their lives in the present? The past and future do play a role in being able to live in the present. The trick is to use them as motivators without letting them control the present. Being mindful, paying attention to what one is doing without regrets of the past or fantasies of the future. What is my capacity to focus on the now? Sounds much easier than it really is to slow down and focus on the present, even if just for a few minutes every day. I understand it can help to reduce stress, both physical and mental.

Now if only I can learn to be in the present, then my outlook on life will improve, right? Sigh... guess I still have some work to do.

Mourning

The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

The month of May was, and is, a month of mourning for me. Both of my parents passed away in May (four years and one day apart) - my Mom's birthday - and of course there's also Mother's Day.

However this year I not only experienced grief and mourning remembering the loss of loved ones, but also found myself mourning the loss of what my life "might" have been, had certain things never happened.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There is fear that accompanies facing happenings so long ago and so many decades now denied, but which were real. It cannot be disputed that what I am today is a result of all that has occurred and has been experienced in life - both the good and the bad.

At this point in time I have embarked on a journey of discovery and learning - with this particular challenge being one I would never wish on anyone. Yet in the end I have HOPE and FAITH that healing will come. This is my faith that the only true healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ - which also covers much more than repentance and forgiveness.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-12)

It is my burden to bear - to learn from, to heal from, and to progress. But I am grateful that with the Savior I do not carry the load nor walk the path alone.

Grateful for loving friends - whom I truly do not wish for them to shoulder any of the pain - but do thank them for listening at times (and for giving hugs!).

I am also grateful for the wisdom and guidance imparted to me from exceptional counseling and inspired ecclesiastical leaders.

Last, but never least, I am grateful for the love, support, courage, and example of faith given to me by my parents. Even though they are no longer physically with me, I will always hold them close in my heart.