Mourning

The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God! 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

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The month of May was, and is, a month of mourning for me. Both of my parents passed away in May (four years and one day apart) - my Mom's birthday - and of course there's also Mother's Day.

However this year I not only experienced grief and mourning remembering the loss of loved ones, but also found myself mourning the loss of what my life "might" have been, had certain things never happened.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There is fear that accompanies facing happenings so long ago and so many decades now denied, but which were real. It cannot be disputed that what I am today is a result of all that has occurred and has been experienced in life - both the good and the bad.

At this point in time I have embarked on a journey of discovery and learning - with this particular challenge being one I would never wish on anyone. Yet in the end I have HOPE and FAITH that healing will come. This is my faith that the only true healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ - which also covers much more than repentance and forgiveness.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-12)

It is my burden to bear - to learn from, to heal from, and to progress. But I am grateful that with the Savior I do not carry the load nor walk the path alone.

Grateful for loving friends - whom I truly do not wish for them to shoulder any of the pain - but do thank them for listening at times (and for giving hugs!).

I am also grateful for the wisdom and guidance imparted to me from exceptional counseling and inspired ecclesiastical leaders.

Last, but never least, I am grateful for the love, support, courage, and example of faith given to me by my parents. Even though they are no longer physically with me, I will always hold them close in my heart.