Life is a test

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today was going to be just another Tuesday... until I remembered this morning it is my Mom’s birthday! She would have been 78 years old today. I love and miss her so much - she was, and still is, a blessing and gift in my life. She was truly funny, with a completely infectious laugh! No matter your own mood, or even if you didn’t know her... when Mom laughed - the whole room had to laugh too! I miss being able to talk with her about anything - knowing that I would receive in return pure love at all times and in all places. Her motivation behind everything she ever did was simply... love.

This coming weekend marks the passing of both of my parents. Mom (who was taken way too young in life, just 5-days after her birthday) died from the ravages of breast cancer 10-years ago this coming Sunday. Has it really been that long? Sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday. Dad was reunited with Mom four years later - only 6-years ago this coming Saturday (dying from the devastation of lymphoma). As much as I would have loved Mom (and Dad) to stay around much longer (but not suffering or in pain) - I will forever be grateful for the 4-years I had to spend alone with my Dad. It was a time of getting to know him so much better, something not really experienced while growing up (was always closer to my Mom). I miss and love you too Dad!! You always gave the best hugs ever!!

From both of my parents I learned wonderful eternal lessons of faith in God by observing their dedicated obedience to His commandments – and sweet lessons of unconditional love for their children. I know that as much as my earthly parents loved me (and they did) - even more so does my Heavenly Father (my God) love me.

Like the two thousand warriors spoken of in Alma 56:47-48... I do not doubt.

yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed... the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

I do not doubt that both of my parents knew God – knew firsthand of His love, and His tender mercies. It is my greatest desire to once again feel the arms of parental love surround me... and to live once more with my family. Life does not end with the death of the mortal body - it continues in one eternal round connected by family. I may no longer have immediate family in my life at this time... but I know this life is just the test, not the reward. May we all pass life's tests and receive the promised reward.

What a difference

Wow!! Two blog posts in a single day... a new record for me!! Amazing what a difference only a few short hours can make. A heavy dark cloud has hung over me all this week - and today it was especially difficult to handle. All day I tried not to succumb to the overwhelming pervading darkness - but I just wanted to crawl into my cave like a wounded animal, metaphorically lick my wounds and hide from the world. Dang that sounds way too familiar!! Like I have stepped back to a time and place where depression had complete and ultimate dominance in my life.

So what happened to change the course of the day and make a difference?  I'll tell you what... it was two completely wonderful and seriously funny friends. Days ago they were heaven inspired to invite me over for an evening of playing games (and trying to make one of the cutest little babies ever smile). I love playing games - and I love getting babies to smile!! As a bonus... the little cutie even laughed!!

To be honest - there was a small part of me tempted to "call in sick" and stay home. But I knew from previous firsthand experience that isolation only feeds the depression, and does nothing but deepen the gloom. So I went - and had a GREAT time!! Thank you dear friends for helping me this evening - even if you did so unaware of the precious gift given and gratefully received. Tonight only reinforces my belief in the tender mercies of the Lord - and how He often acts through others to help in times of need.

Dear Life:

When I say, 'things couldn't get any worse' ... 
please remember that is not intended as a challenge!!

Let there be light

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
~ Genesis 1:3-4

Last weekend I became the very excited (jump for joy & dance around the house kind of excited) and proud owner of... a new kitchen light!! Not just any light... but one located over my kitchen sink!!

You see, I have been without a light there for about a year now (my old one finally died). I know - horrible living conditions - how could I possibly endure it? When you do not have readily available the necessary monetary means - nor do you have any visible home improvement skills - you just deal without a light fixture in that location. And you remind yourself that there are people in this world who don't have a kitchen or even running water (that really puts it into perspective).

(sort of like this light - but much better looking!!)

After saving money - much looking around - decision making - I finally purchased a few months ago a beautiful "brushed satin silver fixed track light fixture" (say that five times really fast). This past Saturday, two dear friends, and wonderful neighbors, came to install the light for me!

He brought the necessary handy professional electrical skills to bring light once again to the darkened sink area. She brought with her the light of her amazing spirit and love! Together they are always a light of hope and love in the lives of so many people lucky enough to know them!! I highly value their friendship which is, and has been, a tremendous gift and tender mercy in my life!

Amazing what little bits here and there were so visibly illuminated when the physical light was finally shining forth!! Not to say that the kitchen sink area was abhorrently dirty... but there were definitely noticeable some previously darkened corners that could use a bit more elbow grease!!

This got me thinking about another source of light that comes into our lives - a much greater light than the physical ones we may have in our homes - and even greater than the light of the sun on a clear summer day! Amazing what little bits become so visibly illuminated in our lives when the spiritual light of Christ is able to shine into the darkened corners of our existence.

As grateful as I am for truly loved friends in my life... I hold an even greater and deeper gratitude and love for my Savior, and the light He freely shares with those who choose to know Him. Even during those times when I may be living in depression's grasp of darkness, and am at times unable to see or feel His warmth and light - I know He is constantly reaching out with His healing light of love. It is this knowledge that keeps me going, especially in those times when I most want to give up.

Butler and a Corgie

I should have a Butler, and a purebred Corgie dog - just like the Queen of England!! It all goes with my new image of being... snooty! Yes I said snooty!! (aka: arrogant, conceited, snobbish).

It all started a week or so ago when I changed my home and car insurance. In the process also obtaining a separate, and much more robust, earthquake coverage policy - which is underwritten by none other than... Lloyd's of London!! (ooooh - aahhhh)

For me the images associated with that phrase... Lloyd's of London... bring to mind a company that has been around for centuries (started in the 1600's) - and does not concern itself with the common or working-class. (Are you using your best royal English accent while reading this? If not then immediately return to the top and start again!!)

Therefore it should correlate that being insured by Lloyd's of London means I ought no longer entertain thoughts of being a plebeian commoner - but of upper-crust aristocratic blue-blood!! Correct?

ENHHH... wrong answer! (in case you are wondering, that is supposed to be a buzzer sound). Actually Lloyd's of London does do business with the masses and undistinguished. In the immortal words of a simple sailor... "I yam what I yam, Toot Toot!!" ... and that would be simple plain Jane me. But even Janes can still dream about butlers and corgies!

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postscript:
a few days ago I wrote most of a post for my blog, and saved it as a draft. Yeah it's going to stay a draft indefinitely. Why you ask? Well... I know that I write a lot about dealing with depression on this blog - it helps me to "talk" about it. But re-reading this draft was making me even more depressed (hard to believe, but yeah) - and I can't find it within to publish. So instead this is what you get (and hopefully it is found to be more entertaining, something needed in many lives - including my own).

Life Top 10

Let's see if I can catch up on my blog... considering that I have been most neglectful the past few days - weeks - make that a month now!! Nothing terribly exciting happening... which is fairly normal for my humdrum existence! Here are the top 10 highlights for the month!!

1. Yes, I am still proceeding forward with my diet lifestyle change... and have lost a total of 31 pounds now, leaving only 86 more pounds to drop!!
   
2. Attempted to plant some perennial flowers in my front yard yesterday. Hopefully these will actually survive my sad plant growing attempts (did I mention that I have a black thumb?)
   
3. Fertilized my front and backyard lawns (probably a little late getting that done - darn that black thumb).
   
4. Discovered that popcorn really does grow on apricot trees. My tree is in full bloom... too bad I am getting rid of it this year - not really so bad, I hate apricots!! (sorry Mom & Dad)
   
5. Thought I had dug up all of the crocus flower bulbs prior to laying sod in a certain part of my yard a few years ago. Surprise surprise... there are three pretty flowers beautifying that part of my lawn!! Guess I can grow some flowers - just need to attempt to destroy them - then forget and neglect!! Crocus must have powers that supersede black thumb powers (something to remember).
   
6. Cleaned my bathroom. Only took me an entire day to get it done. Not that the room is very large - nor was it exceptionally dirty... just that I was finding it a difficult thing to do on such a nice Friday off work (some "vacation" day, huh?).
   
7. Have one of those bagless vacuum cleaners. Decided to finally read the directions regarding the filter. Says to rinse the filter fairly frequently - and let totally air dry before putting back together. Discovered it can take more than a day to get it to dry - finally ended up putting it outside in the sun yesterday. Carpets still need to be vacuumed!
   
8. Am looking to change insurance providers on my car and home - and also improve my earthquake coverage at the same time. Having experienced firsthand a 7.1 earthquake in October 1989... seen the extent of damage that can happen... I feel it is very important to have earthquake insurance on the home. It's not a matter of if... but when!!
   
9. This morning (before church) roasted a boneless turkey breast - my house still smells soooo good!!
   
10. Last, but not least... my nails are clipped, and bellybutton is free of lint!!

Now you are all caught up with my life. Aren't you glad you paused to read this?

P.S.

Did you honestly think that I could have a blog posting without once bringing up the dreaded word... depression? Yes, I have had periods of depression in the past few weeks... it is in those moments that I truly feel powerless... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My Bishop (congregation ecclesiastical leader) gave me a priesthood blessing a couple weeks ago. It helped a lot - just wish it would be a more permanent thing!

I find myself pulling away from people, both real and virtual - hence one reason for my bloglessness (is that a word? if not, then it is now!). But even when I am pulling away from others - I still find a need inside to reach out - to offer some bit of understanding and comfort to those I know are also dealing with depression hades.

I seem to be able to offer to them words of truth, comfort and faith that I am not always able to fully accept in my own life. It is a paradox wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma smothered in contradiction... (try saying that 5 times really fast!!).

Comfort zone

"Life for a depressed person can feel flat, lifeless, dark, overwhelming, like a series of failures, exhausting, enraging, joyless, terrifying, confusing, foggy, continually anxious, despairing, and purposeless. Additionally, the inner world of a depressed person may be pounded with relentless thoughts of self-doubt and self-criticism, and an inner, silent, primal scream that says, “Save me! I’m lost and it’s dark.” For many, at the heart of depression is a sense of disconnection from one’s sense of self, from God’s grace and love, from loved ones, and from the pleasures of life."
    ~~Darla Isackson

Does this sound familiar to you at all?
If so, then welcome to the world of depression!

In the article where I grabbed this paragraph from (see link below), the authors talk about being mindful - or "mindfulness". To be honest with you, I have never been comfortable with delving into the "touchy feely" side of things. I am so left brained and visually oriented - that at times it could be considered to be a handicap.

However, that being said, I am seriously considering attempting some of the exercises mentioned in the article. I would like to perform an empirical "experiment" (there's that left brain thinking again) - and see if it works for me or not.

I understand it can be good to get outside your comfort zone... we shall see about that!! There is within me a desire to change, a desire to believe, a desire of hope for something better... and so let the experiment begin! (whew... this could take some time, I'm sure!!)

Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression (part 4):
"Be Still and Know:" Changing the Internal View Through Breathing and "Mindfulness"

What if?

What if you woke up today... 
with only the things that you 
thanked God for yesterday?

• What if I never ever had to constantly deal with clinical depression?
• What if there was no such thing as anxiety?
• What if my parents were both still alive?
• What if I were married and had children?
• What if there was a "get-out-of-pain-free" card?
• What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
• What if hope came easily, and fear was non-existent?
• What if I'm just not good enough?
• What if my self portrait really is shades of dismal gray?
• What if I didn't feel like crying, and want to hide from everyone and everything?
  
  (like I have been hiding from posting on my blog for the past couple of weeks... not really wanting to face the world... not wanting to admit, even to myself, yet another slog through depression's quicksands)

What if? ... What if? ... What if??
There are so many "what ifs" in life - almost as many as there are "whys".

I don't have the answers to any of these questions (well, except maybe the one about the hokey pokey)... but I do know where those answers can be found. However that will require that I stop trusting in the "arm of flesh"... set aside my pride, fears, anxieties -- and replace them with a renewal of faith and trust. Not sure how I moved from that place of faith... but I want to go back there!!

"[Jesus Christ] knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us (see Luke 10:34)... the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all."

(Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, November 2006)

Where am I?

Have you ever felt lost, even in familiar surroundings? Well, I am losing myself a little bit at a time. Every single day there seems to be more and more of me getting "lost". Nope, not talking about my mind here (although some might question that statement)... I am in fact referring to my physical body!!

In the first seven days on my diet lifestyle plan - I lost a total of 11.5 pounds!! Yeah Baby!! My target goal is to drop the total equivalent weight of say... a large dog. Something perhaps along the lines of a large male Bernese Mountain Dog!! (for non-dog people that would be about 120 pounds!! ... don't be too impressed, I googled this little fact!!)

Until that oh so fascinating time... I am happy with my current weight loss - with more, much more, to come!!

If you ever decide to try this diet lifestyle plan for yourself (or maybe for a loved one)... let me know and I can set you up with an awesome health coach (who is not me -- lucky you)!!!

Am planning on posting periodic updates here on my blog... and someday will even post a photo of myself!! (did I hear someone say, "glamour shots", for pics??)

Futility

There are days when everything just seems so...

Futile and Pointless.

This is one of those days

So of course I post on my blog about it - even knowing that "this too shall pass" - 

and that life will get better at some as yet unknown point.

Until then...

Resistance is futile
Your life as it has been is over