Climbing up

Castle Rock

A long time ago, some friends convinced me to go rock climbing with them and some others at Castle Rock. Said I to them, "I don't have a lot of upper-body strength." They replied, "You mostly use your legs, don't worry you'll be fine." The day after I couldn't move or even lift my arms. At all. Yeah, looks like they misled me about that (thanks Brian & Henry)! However my painful & pitiful arms are not the crux of this story... so moving on.

Standing at the bottom looking up, Castle Rock seemed oh so formidable. Considered to be a "beginners" rock climbing adventure, not even close to being on a par with other places my friends often went (i.e. Pinnacles National Park). Nonetheless it was more than challenging enough for me!  How the heck does one climb vertically without a ladder or stairs?

Henry went first, going up the easier to climb backside of the rock - carrying some climbing ropes for us to use - which were secured at the top, and belayed at the bottom. All harnessed up I started to climb - with Brian instructing me from below where and how to place my hands and feet the entire way up.

Didn't think I would ever make it!! Just when I thought the top had certainly been reached, there was even more rock to climb!  It was so much more difficult than any sport I'd done before, mostly because of the lack of upper body strength... OH and the fact that I have a very healthy fear of heights!! But I knew the rope was secured, that I wasn't going to fall, and Brian was very helpful with his patient guidance.

Finally I made it to the top! Sat down to rest while others in the group climbed up. What an amazing view from the top of Castle Rock. The Santa Cruz mountains are simply gorgeous, I looked down over a landscape filled with trees, and there in the distance I could even see the Pacific ocean! Yes it was hard to make the climb, but the sense of accomplishment, incredible view and profound peace found in nature is something I shall long remember. Then we got to rappel down, which was very daring for me, a bit scary, but admittedly quite fun.

There are a few things I want to keep in my remembrance from this experience...

1. the climb up is always difficult
2. guidance is needed
3. having the safety of a rope (aka: lifeline) is important
4. and the view from the top can be spectacular

I don't go rock climbing anymore. Am currently on a different, difficult and steep journey right now. As I said a few weeks ago, I am grateful for inspired wisdom and guidance from counseling and ecclesiastical leaders. They are helping me to find foot and handholds on the rocky cliff. The all important lifeline? That would be my Savior, Jesus Christ - who stands firm to keep me from falling on the jagged rocks below.

It is actually scary to think that my life can ever be any different - I have lived with false and negative thoughts/beliefs about myself for so many decades now - that is what's "normal" for me. There is the desire for HOPE that I shall eventually reach the summit - absorb what I anticipate will be a breathtaking view - and finally learn how to accept and see that I am NOT "broken, contaminated, ugly and of no value".

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
   Book of Mormon, Alma 32:26 (emphasis/italics added)

To be, or not

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings & arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
~William Shakespeare (Hamlet: Act 3, Scene 1)

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Life for me is chalk full of the many ubiquitous "should" phrases.

• I should write more often on my blog 
• I should stop playing on the computer so much (games/social media) and instead read or do something of worth for a change
• I should be better at obeying speed limit laws when driving (ahem, barreling) down the freeway 
• I should reach out, help others and be of service 
• I should be able to drag myself out of the house, go for a walk, ride my bike, weed my yard, or even do the dishes/laundry/dusting, etc. 
• I should go to bed earlier, which should help me to wake up earlier, which should allow me to get to work on time 
• I should be better at saying daily prayers and meditating 
• I should be journaling more of my thoughts and feelings 
• I should eat less fattening/comfort foods and focus more on nutritious foods
• I "could" go on and on, but you get the idea

Then there are those days when simply getting out of bed in the morning is a great accomplishment.

Where do you live in time?

I tend to split my time living in both the past and the future.

Past: Coulda, woulda, shoulda: three words that are only filled with regret and second guessing. They are theoretical conditions, sometimes described as "wishful thinking". Living a life focused on the past provides no real solutions to actual problems. What has past is past; enjoy the successes and learn from the mistakes without allowing them to dominate the present.

Future:  Having a future orientation can be helpful in setting goals; however focusing on the unknown can also bring fear and make life more difficult. It can be a waste of time to be constantly looking forward to, or dreading, "what might be".  Living in the future is full of phrases like: "When this happens" or "If only". Each of these is inevitably followed by the word "then".

Present: How many people are actually capable of living their lives in the present? The past and future do play a role in being able to live in the present. The trick is to use them as motivators without letting them control the present. Being mindful, paying attention to what one is doing without regrets of the past or fantasies of the future. What is my capacity to focus on the now? Sounds much easier than it really is to slow down and focus on the present, even if just for a few minutes every day. I understand it can help to reduce stress, both physical and mental.

Now if only I can learn to be in the present, then my outlook on life will improve, right? Sigh... guess I still have some work to do.

Mourning

The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God! 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

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The month of May was, and is, a month of mourning for me. Both of my parents passed away in May (four years and one day apart) - my Mom's birthday - and of course there's also Mother's Day.

However this year I not only experienced grief and mourning remembering the loss of loved ones, but also found myself mourning the loss of what my life "might" have been, had certain things never happened.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There is fear that accompanies facing happenings so long ago and so many decades now denied, but which were real. It cannot be disputed that what I am today is a result of all that has occurred and has been experienced in life - both the good and the bad.

At this point in time I have embarked on a journey of discovery and learning - with this particular challenge being one I would never wish on anyone. Yet in the end I have HOPE and FAITH that healing will come. This is my faith that the only true healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ - which also covers much more than repentance and forgiveness.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-12)

It is my burden to bear - to learn from, to heal from, and to progress. But I am grateful that with the Savior I do not carry the load nor walk the path alone.

Grateful for loving friends - whom I truly do not wish for them to shoulder any of the pain - but do thank them for listening at times (and for giving hugs!).

I am also grateful for the wisdom and guidance imparted to me from exceptional counseling and inspired ecclesiastical leaders.

Last, but never least, I am grateful for the love, support, courage, and example of faith given to me by my parents. Even though they are no longer physically with me, I will always hold them close in my heart.