Blind wanderings

In elementary school I once read a book about a young boy who became blind in an accident involving fireworks. I was fascinated with the story of how he learned to cope with his eyesight loss, learned to read braille, and was finally teamed with a seeing eye dog.

After a long day in school, as I frequently walked alone the four blocks home, I would close my eyes - attempting to understand what it would be like to be blind. I had no cane of course, so would try to have one foot brush the grass lawn along the sidewalk as I walked. With closed eyes it seemed to take so much longer than I thought possible to walk from one yard to the next. Frequently I would end up "cheating" by opening an eye slightly to regain my orientation - and view how much further it was to the next driveway or street corner.

Life was so much simpler as a child than it is as an adult. Now as I walk along life’s path, I am regularly unable to see the way before me - and there is no easy option available to crack open an eye to gain a point of reference. My eyes are already wide open, but unable to see much through the darkness. Sometimes a counselor or friend will walk by my side for a few precious steps, helping to direct with a guiding word here or there - briefly illuminating part of the path with their inner light.

Most of the time I seem to be alone, floundering along stubbing toes and cracking shins on unseen obstacles. In faith I know that I am never truly alone on this path. Even more so than mortal friends - my Savior is always there to guide and help me, with His hand always outstretched.  I can look back on the path trodden, and clearly see places where the outcome would have been very different if not for His guidance through the roughest parts.

It is one thing to look back, to see and know in your mind - and quite another to have the ability to feel in the present. The most depressing part of clinical depression is the tremendous difficulty, or inability, to feel or recognize guidance and blessings of the Spirit in the moment. When I most need to feel God’s will, and know in my heart that I am loved by Him - depression clouds my ability to perceive that comfort.

So I continue stumbling forward (and I admit, sometimes a bit sideways) on life’s path...

• able to see the past
• darkness obscuring the future
• alone in the present
• not really alone, but numb

Eye-lights

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
beach & partial view of roller coaster

Summertime! Summertime when in my mid 20’s and living in California, always meant trips to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Not a ton of rides like some other amusement parks, but seriously probably the best wooden roller coaster ever!!  And of course there is the whole boardwalk atmosphere, with a great beach on which to flop down to enjoy the waves and sunshine!

Inevitably my friends and I would stop at a carnival type booth where you paid a couple of dollars to have the guy guess either your weight, or your age (within 10-lbs or 5-years). Ain’t nobody gonna get me to step on a scale in public to verify my weight... ‘nuff said! So I would consistently opt for the age guess. I always, always, won that contest - and received many a cheap prize at the boardwalk as a result.

People have never really been able to accurately guess my age... which can be a blessing, and a curse. A blessing because, what woman wouldn’t want to look younger than they really are, and seem to age somewhat gracefully? A curse because sometimes people just don’t take you seriously when they probably should... thinking you are a young flibbertigibbet or something. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, because now at least people think I am a more mature sensible mid to late 30’s (yeah, you might want to tack 10-years onto that number!).

There is one more thing about me that other people just cannot seem to correctly interpret either. That would be my eyes. Yes, I said my eyes... they don’t really tell the whole truth. My counselor told me, last year when I started seeing her for clinical depression therapy... that people would not believe me if I told them I have severe depression (heck, they wouldn't believe mild depression either). She said there is a certain light in my eyes which belies what is beneath. Leading others to think all is well with me, and most certainly never clinical depression.

The lesson here is... don’t base opinions on what you see on the surface! That is most likely not the true or whole story for a good number of people! Especially for one such as me, who have become skilled in hiding behind masks... even while leaving my eyes always in full view.

Lessons from the Grand Canyon

(disclaimer: photos blatantly stolen... um, make that borrowed... from the internet)

Once upon a time, about 20 years ago, a roommate and I traveled southward to see the sites of the Grand Canyon. It was my first time to see in person that true wonder of nature. A highly anticipated mule ride to the inner rim of the canyon was also on the agenda!

Bright Angel Trail

That morning as our mule train started down the steep switchback Bright Angel Trail - I was seriously reminded of my great fear of heights! With one leg seemingly dangling over the edge of nothingness, and the other fairly close to the wall!! I tried to keep breathing while holding tight to the saddle pommel, and anxiously repeating the same words over and over in my mind... "If the Brady Bunch could take a mule ride into the canyon, then so can I." It certainly didn’t help to listen to the mule guide inform us in detail of the trail dangers - or read the warning signs posted at the trailhead. After awhile I was finally able to relax a bit, breathe normally, and really enjoy the journey and spectacular scenery - once I decided that I could trust my mule to get me there and back safely.

It was an overcast day with light mists of precipitation helping to keep us somewhat cool along the way, but not enough to make the trail muddy. Finally we arrived at the inner rim, and a rest area (with actual flushing toilets of all things!!). We could walk... ur, make that waddle from being in the saddle too long... to the edge of the inner rim and gaze down at the majestic Colorado River, winding its way through the bottom of the canyon.

The weather didn’t changed much during the whole trip, and soon it was time to head back... up the trail. We paused frequently along the way giving the mules bits of rest, and as instructed we were to always turn the mule facing into the canyon for a rest break. A mule might backup and take an accidental plunge over the edge, but would never walk forward and fall with the edge danger so clearly in their sight.

Trail switchbacks

Just over half-way up, while resting the mules at one of the switchback bends in the trail - a loud crack was heard overhead. Thinking it might be thunder, everyone looked upwards. There was no sign of lighting, but there were a few rocks beginning to tumble down from the upper rim, the start of a rockslide - headed for the winding trail just above and below us. To our amazement, a large slab slowly separated from the rim, swiftly gaining momentum as it hurtled down the side of the canyon, picking up other rocks of all sizes with it along the way. This large slab slammed hard into the trail just above us, and launched itself clear of the trail into the canyon below. The other loosened rocks continued their assault, cascading down the side of the canyon wall.

Our group was off to one side, not in the direct path of the rock avalanche, in a position allowing a prime view of nature’s destructive forces playing out before our eyes. Clearly seeing hikers on the trail below us, we all attempted yelling out warnings of the rockslide, and for them to hug the canyon wall for shelter.

Some people quickly heeded the shouted warnings and moved to points of more relative safety. But there in the middle of the trail were two people looking around, not sure what they should do. It was truly traumatic to watch both of them hit by falling rocks. Rescuers were quickly sent from both the bottom and top of the trail to assist any wounded, and assess the integrity and safety of the trail before allowing any of the visitors to continue on. We were instructed to remain sitting on our mules, and could only helplessly watch the trained efforts of others.

I will never forget the shock and sadness of what I witnessed; one of the people I saw hit with rocks was fatally wounded, pronounced dead on the scene. What a vivid visual reminder of how fleeting mortality really is, and how it can be cut short unexpectedly at any time.

Lessons I have learned from this at first fun and exciting, then turned horrific, event at the Grand Canyon are...

• Keep a watchful eye on the dangers of the trail edge to avoid an unintended misstep, which can cause serious injury or even death.
• Pay heed to the warning signs and words of instruction from those guides who know the path well. Listen to those ahead on the path, for they may see something coming others are not aware of yet.

How do these mule ride lessons translate to my life today?

• Hold tightly to and follow the iron rod running along life’s trail - it is the word of God and will lead to a place of joy and happiness. Keep a watchful eye on influences and dangers which can lead to a misstep causing serious injury, even spiritual death.
• Pay special heed to the warnings and instruction given by prophets and leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - for they have a clear and inspired view of the path ahead. They will lead the way to points of safety, by helping to avoid unseen dangers.

Much of the time I find life's trail is obscured by mists of darkness and depression. These are obstacles which I have been given to learn from, and to navigate through. I do much better in my journey when I remember the lessons learned from past experiences - and from the wisdom contained in the words of the prophets. Even knowing this, I still have moments when I loose myself, stumble and fall. Humbled, knowing I will not make it to the top alone, while on my knees I cry out in pain, I cry out in prayer. I know that God will always lift me up (whether I am aware of it consciously or not), sending rescuers when needed to bind my wounds and assist me on my way.