Holes

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by 

Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. 

I am lost .... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault 

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again. 

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn't my fault 

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, 

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Not just for soldiers

Bereavement / Grief / Traumatic Grief
with associated depressive, anxiety disorders & behaviors

"...no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and sorrow, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil and misery." ~Thomas S. Monson

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It is well past time to write again on my blog. Continuing on with the topic of "grief from my previous post, I'd like to talk a little more about a type of grief I live with. This has not been an easy post to write, but feel the need to do so. At this juncture it is the best that I can do. It is my hope that perhaps in some small way it might help others find a better understanding of something that more people than you would suspect deal with.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist or ‘ologist of any kind. These are my personal views, thoughts, observations, or experiences - along with some gathered insights here and there. From what I have found, there are a number of different groupings of grief, which everyone at some point in life will experience one or more of.

1. Bereavement - identified with a loss that has happened within the past couple of months. If a longer time has passed, then another category of grief might be more accurate.
2. Prolonged Grief Disorder - grief lasting longer than six months (formerly, and somewhat inaccurately, identified as complicated grief).
3. Traumatic Grief - this frequently accompanies prolonged grief with many overlapping symptoms. It also can include:

• Major Depressive Disorder
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Panic Disorder
• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) - today’s post will focus on this portion of traumatic grief

It’s not just for combat soldiers, although that is the population most commonly thought of when addressing PTSD. Certainly some traumas are more catastrophic than others, but actually it can affect anyone experiencing or witnessing an overwhelming life event. Something where you (or even someone you were near) are confronted with a threat to safety, impacting a sense of security, making you feel vulnerable helpless, or intensely fearful. Among such events are things like trauma, abuse, violence, actual or near death, injury, or a bodily threat.

PTSD develops and is exhibited differently from person to person - and can happen at any age. It can surface within hours, days, weeks, months, or even years following a traumatic event. Symptoms may show up suddenly, gradually, or can ebb and flow over time - and can sometimes be triggered by a reminder such as a noise, a smell, an image, or even certain words. While they can be unique to the person, symptoms usually show up in three main categories:

• Emotional numbing
• avoiding activities, places, certain people or topics of conversation
• memory problems, denying or suppressing an event
• detached and emotionally numb
• difficulty maintaining close relationships 
• feelings of distrust in others
• major depression
• negative self-image, sense of worthlessness
• feelings of abandonment or being separate (from others, and/or from God)
• suicidal thoughts and feelings
• hopelessness about the future
• some people resort to substance abuse in an attempt to self-medicate the pain
• thankful that I never turned to the false numbing methods of drugs or alcohol - food was my substance of choice
• Anxiety or panic
• trouble sleeping (too much, or too little)
• difficulty concentrating
• easily startled or frightened
• irritability or anger
• self-blame or guilt
• feeling alienated and alone
• hypervigilance (extended state of “red alert”)
• Intrusive memories
• flashbacks and/or upsetting dreams
• physical reactions to reminders (pounding heart, nausea, muscle tension, etc.)

All of these are a natural response to an unnatural situation. Where your mind demonstrates its capacity for self-preservation by simply doing what is necessary at the time by retreating to a place of mental “safety” and in a way shutting down.

However, on the inside you are far from shut down and feel things so intensely that you carefully erect walls or barriers. Afraid to show the depth of emotions. Afraid to love or reach out to another person. This is how you cope with what you experienced. This is "normal" to you.

And that is what I have done now for decades... carefully constructed walls and barriers. Today I still hide behind that familiar illusion of safety - but now know the reasons why they were built in the first place. Guess knowing is good - after all "knowledge is power", right? So why do I often feel so vulnerable and helpless then?

Good grief

Processing grief is like treasure hunting in the dump. In order to find the good stuff, you can't tiptoe through.

You must dig in and prepare to get messy, knowing the riches of joy and peace lie underneath the unpleasant stuff.

~ www.lorilara.com

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Sorry for the gap between blog posts lately. Have been busy digging through about 4 decades of stuff, looking for that treasure of joy and peace underneath it all. Not certain when it will be discovered, but have hope that eventually it will.

This post (and anticipated future ones) will talk about something which everyone at some point and in some form will experience in life... grief.

What is grief?

Simply put it is a natural and human response to loss. It comes in many different forms and intensities - and is not always about the death of a loved one (even though that is most commonly associated with grieving). Grief can be triggered by many things:

• changes or loss of any relationship
  - divorce
  - miscarriage
  - end of friendships
  - death
• illness
  - your own, or that of a loved one
• financial instability
• trauma
• changes in life
  - retirement
  - moving to a new location or job
  - graduating from school
• loss of a dream
• loss or absence of what "might have been"

Subtle or intense losses can all lead to the path of grieving. It makes sense that the more significant a loss, the more intense the grief might be.

Most people are aware of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Other theories out there point to anywhere from three to 12 different stages of grief. None of which have been able to fully describe everyone's grieving reality. Separating grief into stages implies that mourning is a passive experience - creating an expectation of what it is supposed to be like. This can in turn create the assumption that each of the stages at one point or another will be experienced.

But everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time. Every grief is unique. There is no map or timetable for grieving. Grief can manage to slide into every crevasse and space of daily life, and easily infiltrates the long nights.

When a person is not able to cope with the intensity of emotions - the heaviness of heart and mind - often they will find other methods to distract themselves from the loss or trauma. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss can only prolong the whole grieving process. This can then lead to other complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or health problems.

It isn't always easy to tell the difference between grief and depression - they share many overlapping symptoms. Grief can be more like a roller coaster - with a variety of feelings, both good and bad - where there can be moments of happiness in the midst of grief. With depression thoughts of emptiness, darkness and gloom are more constant.

Medication (anti-depressants) can relieve some of the symptoms of grief - but it cannot treat the cause, or the loss itself. Numbing the pain and delaying the mourning process is not the cure. Grief must be eventually felt and worked through before healing can be found - you can’t heal what you can’t feel. Grief can be better understood in yourself if you are aware of the nature of the pain. This is all part of the healing process.

If you haven't guessed by now, I'll tell you. Finally just this year I have been able to dig deep enough to uncover a foundation for the majority of depression in my life. Depression which has been very real, intense and pervasive. Lurking beneath it all with roots trailing back literally 40+ years (yes, that is a long time), what I discovered was... grief.

Choice and consequences

Every choice and decision we make in daily life has consequences associated with them... the good, the bad and the ugly (sometimes all three, and sometimes all at once). Recently it has been my choice to stop taking anti-depressant medications, which have been a part of my life for many years now. They served a very valuable purpose, and I do not regret the decision of having taken them. But now have chosen to take a different path.

Why am I doing this? There are several reasons, most important among them has been to finally allow myself the ability to accept and face certain previous life events without the mental and emotional anesthesia provided by those medications... which to a certain extent have actually prevented or inhibited necessary healing and learning.

Please know that this decision was not made lightly - and I did taper off the medications under proper clinical guidance. But with all prescription medications there are side-effects associated with both taking and stopping them. The main problem for me has been trying to separate out medication related side effect symptoms - with those stemming from facing and dealing with certain past life events. I've done the research on all of these, and there are so many symptoms which are very much common in nature. Here's a small sampling of reactions I have been dealing with the past number of weeks. Just so you know, nothing here is listed in any particular order.

• anxiety / nervousness
• nausea, stomach cramps
• confusion
• irrational fears
• rapid, pounding heartbeat
• irritability, hostility or anger
• worsening depression
• troubling thoughts
• highly emotional
• impaired concentration
• over reaction to normal situations
• overall malaise or feeling generally unwell

Trying to pull it all together has been more difficult than anticipated - but I do not regret this decision. Eventually, given some time and effort, there will be a leveling out. Until then please be patient, and know that I really am trying.

As promised

Yes, I did promise to post updates on how I'm doing with the whole "going off anti-depressant meds" thing. Still trying to wrap my head around it and sort though things. Am more emotional now than I was before. For me the meds provided a type of barrier which I hated, but also miss at the same time. Not sure if that makes much sense.

To fulfill my desire to post something, anything, on my blog -- I am resorting to a simple grouping of random photos. These are photos I've stolen (ahem, collected or borrowed) from the internet over the past few years - many of which were saved with the intention of possibly using them in a blog post. Well, here's my opportunity.

Interpret these photos however you wish. For me they are simply beautiful black and white photography... interesting images... and I'm just too tired to write a thoughtful blog post right now.

Choice

Have I... chosen wisely?

Has it really been almost an entire month since anything has been posted on this blog? Why yes... yes it has been a long time. The old me would feel incredibly guilty and apologize profusely. The current me... well I shall say I am truly sorry and just let it go. Because it is what it is - and my time machine isn't functioning properly to allow me to go back and post something.

What have I been up to this past month? An adventure choice in medication that's what, and one which is quickly drawing to a close. What is this choice of which I speak? Tapering completely OFF of anti-depressant medications... oh my! And an interesting journey this has been.

Please note that going off of medications of any kind is *not* for everyone - so please don't change what you are doing merely because someone you know (virtually or for reals) is doing it. Also with many medical situations it is not advisable to discontinue using medications. One simple analogy that might make sense... it’s not a good idea for a diabetic to stop using insulin.

This is a decision that I arrived at only after...

1. careful consideration and research of all consequences (both the good and bad)
2. consulting with a qualified medical professional (many meds require careful tapering of dosages... cold turkeying it is *not* advised)
3. continuing to work with a qualified (and awesome) counselor - who is supportive of my choice to take this path
4. telling a few close friends about this choice, and asking them to keep an eye on me (just in case)
5. and most important, in my book at least, asking my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing (because important journeys should always include inviting God to be your co-pilot - and life in general is an important journey!)

There was a time when I just knew meds would be my daily companion for the rest of my life. How could I possibly cope without them? It has not been an easy decision - nor an easy path getting to this point. Plus viewing the journey forward I know it will require climbing over some very rugged and at times steep uphill terrain. That being said, I believe I am ready for this challenge.

Completion of the medication taper will not be final until October 7th, one month exactly after starting. In future posts I will attempt to explain some of my multitude of reasons behind this choice - and provide updates on how I am doing.

Life weaving

The Master Weaver’s Plan
by: Benjamin Malachi Franklin

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver’s hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

(this poem was often quoted by Corrie ten Boom

as she traveled and spoke around the world)

Gone bananas

Banana Cake with
Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting

DISCLAIMER:
Recipe adapted, and photo borrowed, from blog link listed at the end of this post. Big thanks going out to Mel's Kitchen Cafe (who is way more talented in the kitchen than I am).
*******************************************

Decided to go for something different on my blog this week and post THE most delish dessert I've had in... was going to say "forever" or a "very long time" but will settle for... most delish in weeks!!

Banana Cake:
½ cup butter, softened
1½ cups white sugar
2 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (about three)*

• Preheat oven to 350° - grease 9x13 pan
• In large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth
• Beat in eggs, one at a time
• Stir in sour cream and vanilla
• In separate bowl - combine flour, baking soda and salt
• Stir into batter
• Mix in mashed bananas
• Spread evenly into prepared pan
• Bake for 30 to 35 minutes - until golden brown on top, and toothpick in the center comes out clean
• Allow to cool completely before frosting

*Tip for using extra-ripe bananas:

When you have bananas which are over ripe, but don't have time to bake anything... don't throw them away! Instead throw the whole bananas, peel and all, into the freezer (yes the peel will go dark brown in the freezer - that's perfectly okay).

At a later date remove from freezer, place on counter-top (or plate) and allow to thaw completely. Using kitchen sheers cut off bottom of banana peel, and squeeze the now perfectly mushy banana out. After thanking Mother Nature for the natural banana protector from freezer burn, discard the now useless peel,

Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 (8oz) pkg cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup confectioner’s sugar (I also added 2 large spoonfuls)
⅛ tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1½ cups heavy whipping cream

• In large bowl combine cream cheese, sugar, salt and vanilla
• Beat until light and fluffy - set aside
• In another bowl beat whipped cream until stiff peaks form (use chilled bowl and chilled beaters for best results)
• Fold whipped cream into cream cheese mixture
• Spread the delightful frosting over the cake (then fight or draw straws over who gets to lick the bowl)

recipe source: http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2008/11/banana-bars-with-whipped-cream-cheese-frosting.html

Playing with skunks

You can't play with a skunk and not stink

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It's interesting what you can learn about people by looking at what they surround themselves with. What's that old saying?... "You can judge a person by the company they keep."

Well if anyone wanted to learn more about me, there are a lot of things that could be looked at...

• what media I watch or listen to - easily determined by the DVDs and CDs found in my home and car.
• television shows watched, or computer games played
• the food in my refrigerator and cupboards
• clothing worn or found in my closet and drawers
• books on my bookshelf (both virtual e-reader, and hardbound)
• history of websites I visit

All of these (and many others) easily show how and what I choose to spend my time with - because that is the company that I keep. Eventually people become what they surround themselves with.

Lately I've been experimenting with doing more cooking at home. So far so good, no one has gotten food poisoning or died. Yet. One thing I've taken more to heart lately is experimenting using sauces or marinades to enhance the flavor of foods... to immerse or bathe foods in different substances. There is a correlation (at least in my mind there is) between food and those elements in which I immerse myself.

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker and author said:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

He also said:

You are the average of the five people you hang around with.

What influences and habits in my life are a result of the five people I hang out with the most? Do they help me improve and better myself, or is the opposite of that more true? In turn I also have to ask... what is my influence in their lives?

Have you ever noticed that people often start talking or behaving like their friends? As a literal example: over 25 years ago I had a friend from London, England. We spent a lot of time together, and quickly I discovered that my American/Utahn accent would fade in her presence... I was attempting to speak using an English accent (or a close approximation of one). This was not done to mock or disparage, merely an unconscious acquired action on my part, picked up from "hanging around" her. Of course it didn't help that I was completely fascinated by an English accent - thinking it to be quite brilliant!

President Gordon B. Hinkley said:

All of us are the products of the elements to which we are exposed.

What would happen if everyone were to surround themselves with - immerse themselves in - great thoughts, feelings, books, music, etc.? Dare I say that the toxic waste found in our lives would fade, only to be replaced by the good, more peaceful and beautiful things in life? Ah, that sounds "quite brilliant"!

Forever I am grateful for all the positive and uplifting influences in my life - past, present and future. As a side note, just so you know, I look fantastic wearing black and white!! But honestly hope to avoid hanging out with skunks, or becoming one myself!!

p.s. - sorry for being skunky
and not posting anything on my blog for over a month.

Climbing up

Castle Rock

A long time ago, some friends convinced me to go rock climbing with them and some others at Castle Rock. Said I to them, "I don't have a lot of upper-body strength." They replied, "You mostly use your legs, don't worry you'll be fine." The day after I couldn't move or even lift my arms. At all. Yeah, looks like they misled me about that (thanks Brian & Henry)! However my painful & pitiful arms are not the crux of this story... so moving on.

Standing at the bottom looking up, Castle Rock seemed oh so formidable. Considered to be a "beginners" rock climbing adventure, not even close to being on a par with other places my friends often went (i.e. Pinnacles National Park). Nonetheless it was more than challenging enough for me!  How the heck does one climb vertically without a ladder or stairs?

Henry went first, going up the easier to climb backside of the rock - carrying some climbing ropes for us to use - which were secured at the top, and belayed at the bottom. All harnessed up I started to climb - with Brian instructing me from below where and how to place my hands and feet the entire way up.

Didn't think I would ever make it!! Just when I thought the top had certainly been reached, there was even more rock to climb!  It was so much more difficult than any sport I'd done before, mostly because of the lack of upper body strength... OH and the fact that I have a very healthy fear of heights!! But I knew the rope was secured, that I wasn't going to fall, and Brian was very helpful with his patient guidance.

Finally I made it to the top! Sat down to rest while others in the group climbed up. What an amazing view from the top of Castle Rock. The Santa Cruz mountains are simply gorgeous, I looked down over a landscape filled with trees, and there in the distance I could even see the Pacific ocean! Yes it was hard to make the climb, but the sense of accomplishment, incredible view and profound peace found in nature is something I shall long remember. Then we got to rappel down, which was very daring for me, a bit scary, but admittedly quite fun.

There are a few things I want to keep in my remembrance from this experience...

1. the climb up is always difficult
2. guidance is needed
3. having the safety of a rope (aka: lifeline) is important
4. and the view from the top can be spectacular

I don't go rock climbing anymore. Am currently on a different, difficult and steep journey right now. As I said a few weeks ago, I am grateful for inspired wisdom and guidance from counseling and ecclesiastical leaders. They are helping me to find foot and handholds on the rocky cliff. The all important lifeline? That would be my Savior, Jesus Christ - who stands firm to keep me from falling on the jagged rocks below.

It is actually scary to think that my life can ever be any different - I have lived with false and negative thoughts/beliefs about myself for so many decades now - that is what's "normal" for me. There is the desire for HOPE that I shall eventually reach the summit - absorb what I anticipate will be a breathtaking view - and finally learn how to accept and see that I am NOT "broken, contaminated, ugly and of no value".

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
   Book of Mormon, Alma 32:26 (emphasis/italics added)