April showers

Recently I read about someone who had a brain tumor. They were told that there was high risk involved with surgery, and the outcome could not be guaranteed. On the other hand, if no surgery was done - then death would come in a few short months. The person opted for surgery and is doing well now.

I sat and pondered this scenario for several minutes before coming to the stark conclusion that, faced with a similar situation, I would totally forgo surgery. I think this must be one reason why I have been given relatively good physical health, when compared to others that is. Oh how easy it would be to just let nature take its course, and offer a fairly quick sweet release from living in hades (for that is how I often view this mortal realm). Apparently someone has a reason for my still being here - I just wish I knew what the heck it is.

If you have read some of my past blog postings, you will know that I have gone in and out of clinical depression since I was a teenager. If I tell you that this year I will turn 46 - perhaps it will give you an idea how long of a battle it has been. Sometimes I just get so tired of swimming against the strong current of depression. Looking back, this time last year was by far the most intense and darkest episode of depression I have ever experienced. I am in a better place now than I was then, thanks to counseling and medication - both things for which I am grateful. But being in a better place does not mean the depression is gone - just tempered.

With quickly approaching anniversaries containing painful reminders - I worry about memories triggering a descent into darkness once again...

• May 8 - Mother's day
  (my Mom is gone - I am not, nor will I ever be, a Mom)
• May 15 - Mom's birthday
  (she would have been 77 this year)
• May 19, 2006 - Dad's death day
  (five years ago this year)
• May 20, 2002 - Mom's death day
  (my parents died four years, and one day apart)
• May 30 - Memorial day
  (a day to remember the dead)

So far so good, no severe depression events or serious suicidal thoughts, But I do really want to either run away (and not stop) - or just sleep through everything (which is itself a form of running away). It has not been a good week (and it is not even close to being over).

One bright spot is that I have hired someone to take care of my yard work for me this summer. I have zero motivation to work in my ugly yard this year (not even planning on a veggie garden either). The cost will be so worth it, even if it means I'll be eating ramen or oatmeal for a few months to help pay for it ;-)

Well, it's getting close to midnight, and I'm finally tired enough that I can quickly fall asleep. Lately I've been staying up late to tire myself out - which seems to be a better alternative to laying in bed letting my thoughts drift around before finally falling asleep. I still wake up about the same time every morning (darn internal alarm clock) - and I've never been a morning person. So watch out! I'm sleep deprived and cranky... approach with caution!