A Mess of Musings

Into the battle

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

The Charge of the Light Brigade
~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1854)

In this mortal life I am doing daily battle with the front and center enemy... depression. It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining, accompanied by finite strength and motivation. Being responsible and strong all the time - all day, every day - with constant decisions about anything and everything is very heavy and wearing. I may be moving slow, yet still get up and prepare the best I can for the day’s fight. When there is not one ounce of energy or desire left - something inside keeps me going.

Yet there are times when I just want someone else to take the helm and make all the decisions for me - is that too much to ask?

     “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

A pronounced longing for the promised rest is often present - wondering where and why it seems to be hiding. Depression gives a very believable illusion that the heavens are sealed shut, where prayers bounce off a low hanging lead ceiling. But I hold tight to my faith that He is listening, and it isn’t just a one-sided conversation when I talk to Him through prayer many times a day, and always in my heart.

     Jesus, Savior, pilot me
     Over life’s tempestuous sea;
     Boist’rous waves obey thy will
     When thou say’st to them, “Be still!”
     Chart and compass came from thee;
     Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

     When at last I near the shore,
     And the fearful breakers roar
     ‘Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
     Then, while leaning on thy breast,
     May I hear thee say to me,
     “Fear not; I will pilot thee.”

Hymn: Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me

Poem from the past

Okazaki Castle

The blog writing muse is apparently on vacation this week. So instead of posting the dribble I have barely been able to come up with... I shall leave words from another poem written around 25-years ago. Not always, but there are times when I can still so relate to these words from the past.

Pressure
    The chains that bind cut off life’s sanity.
    Where did I come from?
    Why did I leave?
    Where am I going?
    All is black and grey.
    Somewhere, I don’t know yet

Confusion
    Cries of pain ascend the heavens
    Step by lonely step I walk among the thorns.
    Clothed in red the sun bleeds its life in unnoticed anguish.
    Cloaked in black the earth turns slowly - stopping.
    Why did I come?
    When should I go?

Friendship
    Long ago... perhaps.
    I don’t remember because no one listens.
    Clouds of fog blur my hearing.
    Gripping the wheel of life I slip and grow cold.
    Leave as silently as you came,
    and tell no one of your going.

Windows and doors

Nagoya Castle

I am lost
wondering why
crying inside
showing no one
holding a shield
hiding in dreams
grasping in midair
I fall
and weep
tears of salt
cleansing tears
tears of pain

Those words were written by me around 25 years ago in one of the very few journals I have ever kept. I was in my early 20’s and living in Japan at the time (not far from the castle pictured above). The other night I found that journal in a box, and started reading excerpts from it. Amazing how even though things change, they somehow manage to remain the same.

I didn’t know it then - but I had already been living with clinical depression for a number of years, at least since I was in my early to mid-teens. I say living with depression - but honestly there have been times when I was merely surviving and existing.

This is another poem I also discovered in that journal written so many years ago...

     I hold this shield firm before me.
     The shadow that it casts
     prevents others seeing my emotions.
     It is my brick curtain behind which I hide,
     and watch the world from the shadows.
     I am afraid of the dark.

     In my quiet refuge I sing off tune -
     finding sanctuary in the depths.
     Once I took this knife and parted my defense.
     I allowed torment in, now he is my constant companion.
     We will strengthen each other by holding my shield higher.

To some extent I still metaphorically attempt to hold a shield and build walls in an effort to protect myself... or perhaps to protect others from myself (not wanting to pull anyone into depression's darkness).

Walls are not necessarily bad - I live in a home that has walls and a roof. These are important features that offer protection from weather and unwanted intruders. But my home was also built with windows through which I can see out, and let light in... and there are doors providing the ability to leave, or even invite others inside.

Note to self:  when you recognize depression attempting the hoisting of shields or building of walls - do not forget the need for windows and doors. They can always be closed if necessary, but will provide a built-in alternative to isolating yourself in dark solitude.

I don’t seem to write poems anymore, I wonder why that is?
Hummmm... something to think about.

Staying within the lines

Color!! (ain't it purty?)

I color within the lines
living by the rules
doing what I have to do
doing what I must do
it is who I am
~ Messy Musings

Even as a child with coloring book and crayons in hand, I was compelled to color within the lines. Not using just any color in the box... it had to be the “correct” color! The sky was never purple or green - always blue. The sun was never pink - always golden, and the grass always green. Other crayons were carefully selected and color coordinated - no clashing colors next to each other allowed! It was an idyllic world in my coloring book where I had absolute control.

The last couple of weeks have been less than idyllic, and far from controlled. I was once again caught in the seemingly never ending mists of depression. And then this past Monday... surprise!! There was once again color and light in the world!!

Yesterday I met with my wonderful counselor, where we talked about what I did to pull out of the colorless world of depression. For some reason I seem to possess certain instincts which have been learned and developed over a period of many years. Actions that are innately known to help shield, protect, or literally step away from the precipice. Simply put, without these learned behaviors I would not be alive today and writing this blog.

It is a fact that many times exercise and physical movement can help with depression. I mentioned to my counselor that I started riding my bike again last week.
Why?
Because I was tired of walking, was my response.
But how did I manage to get myself out of the house and on the bike?
I dunno, because I had to.

Please don’t think I am anything more than I am. Getting out and moving was sincerely not an immediate response on my part... it did take me a number of depression wallowing days to get to that point (along with timely sound wisdom from a dear friend - thanks Mel, I love you)!!

Why do I call myself a “semi-functional depressive”? Honestly I often function merely because I have to... there are no other options. The degree and level of functioning varies differently from day to day - hearkening back to the age-old debate of needs versus wants. When struggling with depression I may “want” to shut myself up separate and alone in a darkened house - but "need" to push myself to leave that confine and associate with others (even if it is only done virtually online through email or this blog). Every little bit can help, if I allow it into my life.

Dimensional

living in 2-dimensional space
height and width - but no depth
~ Messy Musings

This year I had Lasik surgery on my eyes, and finally got rid of my bifocal glasses. I also started a diet/health plan that has worked quite well for me... have dropped 73 pounds so far (with 44 more until target is achieved). These are two positive things in my life - so why don’t I feel more positive or excited about either accomplishment?

Other people frequently ask me how I am doing, if I have enough energy on this diet plan, and congratulate me on the success - to which I politely say thank you. How do I begin to explain to them that the diet has not really affected me physically (except for losing the weight of course)... my energy levels are much more controlled by the exhaustion of living daily with depression.

Last week I had a 4-day weekend (thanks to a vacation day on Monday, followed by a State holiday on Tuesday). I ended up spending 50-plus-hours straight in my pajamas either in bed sleeping, or sitting in a recliner dorking around on my laptop. It was one of those bad kind of weekends... which I’m not certain I have recovered from yet.

Many years ago I lived in Japan for about 1.5 years. After the first few weeks - it began to feel normal, like I had always lived there. I had a lot more culture shock coming back home than I ever did in going to Japan. Similarly, right now I feel like I have always existed in a flat 2-dimensional fuzzy exhausting non-happy color lacking life. Vague memories of living in a different environment crop up now and then, almost like a dream incompletely remembered and quickly fading.

Thoughts

I thought I thought a thought,
but the thought I thought
wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
So I thought a new thought.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!!

Changing thought patterns is an important part of distancing oneself from depression. Distorted interpretations of thoughts lead to feelings which impact behaviors. Negative or inaccurate thinking contributes to an increase or deepening of depression.

How is it possible to recognize, and then challenge, erroneous thoughts? It is done through a process that I really dislike!! I have always considered introspection, self-observation, or inter-relationship focus... (aka: digging into the why behind thoughts and actions)... as being icky and overly "touchy feely". My style has always been centered around facts, or even opinions - the more logical the better!

That almost sounds like I must have some Vulcan ancestry (a la Star Trek and Mr. Spock)... which thought actually makes me giggle. Since emotion is not a trait of being Vulcan... sigh, I suppose not (she said with sadness).

So what is this "touchy feely" process? One name for it is, cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help if allowed to that is. It is all about developing a more realistic interpretation of your own thoughts, and recognize the serious distortions that depression can bring. Just one example... I knew what other people thought about me, simply by looking at them. I was projecting onto them my own negative thoughts about myself, and creating a lot of un-necessary anxiety. This in turn can lead to even deeper depression.

Basically it is a process of identifying situations or conditions in your life that trigger anxiety or depression. Becoming aware of these will assist in acknowledging false thoughts, emotions or beliefs. Once inaccurate and negative thinking is identified - it becomes easier to then challenge and change.

And of course all of this is easier said than done - especially if you are logic centric - and don't have a competent therapist offering guidance to get through all the "touchy feely" stuff. On this point I have been blessed, but still feel very inadequate to fully cope.

Grandpa?

Live long and prosper!

Mobius

Mobius Strip

Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat.
Pete 'n Repeat went out to play,
Pete drowned, who was saved?
Repeat...

Have you ever thought you were caught moving along life somehow trapped by seemingly repeating the same (or very similar) scenes over and over again? Yes, my life is stuck in a time loop - but with a half twist creating a never ending convoluted path (otherwise known as a Mobius Strip).

What lessons should I have learned by now (but obviously have not), that keep me repetitively walking along this long narrow strip? Even conversations with others (in person or written) appear to be somewhat patterned and cyclical in nature.

This life is a time to prepare, a time for growth and learning - to expand horizons beyond internal (but very real) fears - to reach out to grasp the blessings and greatness God intends for His children. The first step is to recognize what God would have me learn (something not easily done when depression is involved). But I have faith there is a way... and so will start with the four steps for effective scripture study outlined in an article I rediscovered again today... The Battle in Our Brains.

Now I need to get myself a notepad!!

Update: it has come to my attention that the link provided above may or may not be functioning properly. Thanks to a dear friend's awesome internet searching skills... here's another link to this same content! If the first link doesn't work, try this one!! The Battle in Our Brains

Fear of self

This past week I moved office locations - from one side of the valley to the other, and away from a building I have worked in for 19+ years. I am going to miss the people, miss being there every day, and miss the familiar and beautiful daily drive. As I was packing up, sorting through, and throwing away an accumulation of many things... I came across a small piece of paper I had laminated many years ago. Re-reading these words I was reminded of their beautiful truths, and why I have held onto it for so many years.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my "fears"... thanks to my counselor who helped me onto exploring that thought path. What is it that I seriously fear the most? What fears do I hold onto that may be hindering my growth and progress in the battle with depression? My own personal "deepest fear" is of being cut off from God (and not being able to return home to Him after this mortal existence is over). These re-discovered words also give great insight into fears...

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

Bubble left of center

The other morning while driving to work, that thought which has frittered away in the back of my mind for decades burst itself to the full conscious level.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there is something wrong with me - disconnected and off balance - you might say I am a “bubble just left of center”.

Some might think this indicates "uniqueness”. Maybe so, but in a dissociative way (distorted and unreal) - kind of like I’m trapped in an MC Escher drawing with no visible way out.

At least his two dimensional drawings (sincerely attempting to be three dimensions, all the while messing with your brain) are located somewhere outside of the box I used to live in. Numbly I go through the motions and activity of life, and think I might be getting somewhere - only to seemingly start over again, and again... caught in a loop.

I have been asked to teach a women’s class (Relief Society) at church this coming Sunday. I love teaching, and honestly look forward to these rare opportunities... but for some reason this time my stomach is all tied up in knots. Probably due to the lesson topic: Rescuing Yourself. How can I lead a discussion with others about rescue, when I do not knowingly find it in my own life? Experience indicates that the teacher usually learns more than the student - hopefully it will prove true this time as well. But inside I just want to pull the covers over my head, sleep, hide, and maybe cry.

Catch up

I'm going as fast as I can

Catching up on my so-called "life" (not to be confused with ketchup - which is pretty much my preferred way to eat tomatoes - but I digress). The following items are listed in no particular order. For more details on why that might be, refer to the sickness listed in item #1.

Have had a writer's block infestation the past few weeks - accompanied by the dreaded Idontcare-itis sickness - along with problems being able to focus thoughts or concentrate (attention deficit leading to inane distractions... squirrel!!*)
Made it through yet another month of May - tried to make a few "better" memories to help counter the sad ones of both of my parent's deaths in that particular month (in 2002 and 2006).
Saturday, May 12th I walked a full 5K (3.125 miles) in the "Race for the Cure" - a fundraising event to help with breast cancer research (my Mom died of breast cancer). First time I participated in something like this - look forward to doing it again next year.
And on Sunday, May 20th (10 years to the day of my Mom's passing) I was invited to be part of a choir - singing at a special church gathering (regional conference) in The Conference Center at Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It was an inspiring event - both the singing opportunity and listening to the speakers.
Last week started meeting again with my former counselor - working on this depression monster. Next appointment she said we will be exploring my fears. On a scale of fears - first is a fear of heights followed closely by a fear of closed-in spaces... which neatly explains why I do not like to fly on airplanes. Next up would be a fear of analyzing my fears (which is actually not a fear - but sure does make me very uncomfortable).
Update on the weight-loss side of things. Last time I posted about this, I had lost 31 pounds. As of yesterday morning mark that number at 57 total lost - with 60 more until target weight is achieved. So close to the half-way mark - and still so many more weeks ahead.
Finally after about 6-months of work limbo - met my new boss last week. Will be moving to another building around the end of the month. Took them long enough (way more than the promised couple of weeks) - but am glad to finally have things getting settled (even if it almost doubles my commute miles).
Thinned the peaches on my four backyard peach trees. Too bad the fruit is not on my current diet plan. So will become the peach gifting fairy when the trees ripen (please note that I absolutely refuse to wear the costume!)
The front porch iron railing has been going rusty the past few years. Yesterday I cleaned - sanded/brushed - wiped down - and primed the railing. Sometime this week I need to carve out enough time to put two top coats of white paint on it. Totally switching it up from the traditional black it has always been (which became black with rust).
Currently am searching for my misplaced sense of humor. If you find it, please send it home. It is very strange and dry - sometimes with sarcasm thrown in - so should be easily recognized as mine.
One of these days I promise to stop making lists and dare to call it a blog posting. Oh who am I kidding... if it gets me writing then so be it!!
Am very grateful for certain people in my life who share so freely, and from whom I gain so much wisdom, insight, and comfort. Just got home from a walk, and a truly wonderful conversation with one of these dear people - felt a lot better after talking with her!! (she always seems to know exactly what to say... when I grow up I want to be more like her).

And that, my friends, is pretty much my recent life in a nutshell... a slightly cracked shell with an honest to goodness nutcase inside!!

(* funny dog distraction from the movie Up)

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