Battling demons

It has been a long time since I've posted anything on my blog. There are many reasons, some of them better than others. Let's just say that I decided to take a blog break – and that it has lasted longer than I originally thought it would. So what has brought me back to the blogosphere? It is something that has been very much in the news, on social media, and on my mind for just over a week now. I speak of the death of someone whom I never met, except through the movies. Yes, I'm referring to the heartbreaking suicide of Robin Williams.

His death has bought to the surface thoughts and feelings which I have always kept very silent about. You see, I know there is still a stigma attached to depression, and heaven forbid anything related to suicide. It can be difficult for me to fully understand... but if someone were diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, or a plethora of other physical illnesses - their struggles would be freely shared with friends, family and even strangers. Empathy and support would be free flowing, lifting them up and sharing the burden as much as possible. But for those who suffer from more invisible illnesses, such as any form of mental illness... well it is common to just keep it quiet, knowing that avoidance rather than support is the the typical reaction.

This past week many have questioned why someone so widely admired, funny, wealthy, and having loving family & friends could do something like that. And if Robin Williams could do it... what's stopping others fighting similar demons from following suit?

For that reason I feel today a need to address the topic of suicide, which is sadly a common occurrence among people who live with depression. In the past I may have made casual remarks to a few people here and there - but am fairly certain they have never truly known the depths. So why now? Not really sure, but it is my hope that perhaps one thing said here might be of help to someone - even if that someone is just me. The following are thoughts taken from something that I wrote months ago in a notebook. At the time I told my counselor that it will never be published on my blog. Never say never, eh?!

In case you haven't caught on yet and are still wondering... today's blog subject is about suicide. Specifically suicidal thoughts - often referred to as suicidal ideation. What is this word, "ideation"? Basically it's when a person thinks about something a lot. Sometimes to the point that they may even act on such thoughts - because thoughts are a precursor to action.

There is an old adage regarding a progression of thought: first a thought is abhorred, then tolerated, and finally it is embraced. Which is one reason why scriptures warn about watching our thoughts. One verse for example:

"…if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith... even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now... remember, and perish not." (Mosiah 4:30)

Only my counselor, my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader), and perhaps one other person have really known the truth that I don't talk about. Since my teenage years in the early 1980's, I have had suicidal ideation. Not constant, not every day, but way more frequently than I'd like to admit. Sometimes these thoughts are more pervasive than other times, and are a serious drain of emotional, physical and mental energies.

Once at the age of 18 and newly enrolled in college; in an English class I wrote a composition. The topic was my choice - and what I wrote about was a fairly detailed exploration of all the different methods which could be used to commit suicide. At the end of the paper I even came to a succinct conclusion of what my preferred method would be. Disturbing as the topic was, I remember having received a good grade on the paper (guess it was well written or something). However there were no comments nor questions about the topic. I would like to think should a paper of that nature be handed in today, that red flags would be raised and referrals for help extended. Looking back I now recognize that it was my first silent plea for help - for understanding - even if I didn't know that I needed it at the time. How would my life have been different if that professor had recognized the pain and reached out?

Often I make comments in talking and writing – which to me hold a completely different meaning than that perceived by others. Mostly those comments are hidden in the guise of humor - because I honestly do not wish to burden others, and in a way feel that I am protecting them from the depths of darkness that I feel. As I said four years ago in a blog post... "When I laugh, make others laugh, and portray the illusion that all is bright - I can for a moment in time hide, even from myself, the reality which lies beneath."

There’s a poem (that I wrote in 1986-87 during a very depressing dark time) and which I actually shared on my blog a while back. Seriously doubt that anyone who read it had the slightest inkling of the true meaning to me behind these closing words..

Clouds of fog blur my hearing.
Gripping the wheel of life I slip and grow cold.
Leave as silently as you came,
and tell no one of your going.

The majority of those who experience suicidal ideation do not carry through with it (or so I understand) – and so it has been with me. However some may make attempts, and some deliberately plan to fail or be discovered, while others might carefully map their plan for success in carrying out those thoughts. It is my opinion that such attempts happen when a person finally becomes too tired and overwhelmed from repeated battling the thought demons. It's not that they necessarily want to die, just need the very real pain to go away.

Over a long period of time, wanting to know more about suicidal ideation, I have read from a multitude of different sources (books and oh so many sites on the internet). Discovered there is quite a long list of suicide ideation signs and symptoms. If you've read my blog before, you'll know that I just love making lists of things! Am not providing all of them for there are too many, but in no particular order some of mine have been:

• feeling trapped or hopeless
• heightened state of anxiety
• very moody
• changing sleep patterns (sleep deprivation/insomnia, or too much sleep)
• depression
• experiencing panic attacks
• impaired concentration
• increased self-criticism
• isolating oneself (this is a huge one for me)
• simply wanting to escape the pain and make it end
• believing you are a burden to others
• no sense of purpose in life; no reason for living
• feelings of seclusion or loneliness
• sincere belief that everyone would be better off if you weren't around anymore
• unable to experience pleasurable emotions from normally pleasurable life events (eating, exercise, social interaction, etc.)
• talking about killing oneself – expressing regret about being alive or even ever having been born

If you haven’t observed any of these things in me – trust when I say that they are there. Then remember that a significant number of people with suicidal ideation keep their thoughts and feelings a secret, and appear to have no apparent signs. Also don’t forget that I am a master mask maker who is very experienced in hiding.

Along with the list of signs and symptoms – there are also nice useful lists of things which may help lower the risk of suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. Think I need to focus on and do better with some of these.

• compliance with treatment plans (counseling or even prescription drugs if needed)
• avoid alcohol, and illegal or prescription drug abuse (this has not been a problem for me, as I try my very best to follow guidelines in the Word of Wisdom - but know it is often an issue for many as they attempt to self-medicate away the pain)
• avoid isolation – try to stay connected to the outside world
• exercise
• eat a well-balanced healthy diet
• involve friends or family in your treatment
• focus on good things in life - at the end of each day write down at least 3 positive things that have happened to you, for you, or because of you
• get at least 7 to 8 hours continuous sleep every 24-hour period (easier said than done – especially for me)
• separate yourself from means of ending life – get rid of guns, knives, dangerous drugs, etc.
• seek out things that give you pleasure, such as being with friends/family
• self-help groups – sharing anguish and anxieties that drive you towards such thoughts can be relieved and comforted by:
• seeing how others get through it
• supporting others – this can help you feel better about yourself and those around you (in a way I suppose that my blog has helped to serve in this capacity for me)

In conclusion...

Yes, I live with frequent suicidal ideation - the key word here being live. No, I have not acted on those thoughts (even when so very tempting as they sometimes are). There are a few things which work well in keeping me from acting on or embracing those thoughts.

First and foremost is my religion and faith in God. Often I turn to the scriptures and prayer for help. That help has always been there, and it always will be. For I know that God will not abandon me – nor will God abandon any of His children (even when depression thoughts try to tell me otherwise). I may not know His reasons for this "thorn in the flesh" - but in the end have faith that it will somehow become a blessing.

"...as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day." (Alma 38:5)

Second are the coping tools and skills learned from gifted knowledgeable counseling (both professional and that received from conversations with dear friends and ecclesiastical leaders). For me it takes hearing something multiple times before it begins to sink in or make sense. Hearing the same thing said from different perspectives is also helpful. Am very thankful for those who have simply listened and/or offered their love. They may never know what a difference their small acts of kindness have made.

Third is keeping a notebook of thoughts (less formal than a journal). For me, seeing things written down can help to recognize and sift through the often false thought processes which accompany depression.

Fourth has been this blog for giving me the opportunity to express things that I would probably never just talk about with people.

I'm sure there are others - but am too tired to explore them right now. And with that I end this long post. Hope this will open the mind gates to begin writing here again - and really hope that future topics won't be as serious. Just felt this was something that I finally needed to talk about.

Holes

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by 

Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. 

I am lost .... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault 

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again. 

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn't my fault 

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, 

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Not just for soldiers

Bereavement / Grief / Traumatic Grief
with associated depressive, anxiety disorders & behaviors

"...no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and sorrow, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil and misery." ~Thomas S. Monson

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It is well past time to write again on my blog. Continuing on with the topic of "grief from my previous post, I'd like to talk a little more about a type of grief I live with. This has not been an easy post to write, but feel the need to do so. At this juncture it is the best that I can do. It is my hope that perhaps in some small way it might help others find a better understanding of something that more people than you would suspect deal with.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist or ‘ologist of any kind. These are my personal views, thoughts, observations, or experiences - along with some gathered insights here and there. From what I have found, there are a number of different groupings of grief, which everyone at some point in life will experience one or more of.

1. Bereavement - identified with a loss that has happened within the past couple of months. If a longer time has passed, then another category of grief might be more accurate.
2. Prolonged Grief Disorder - grief lasting longer than six months (formerly, and somewhat inaccurately, identified as complicated grief).
3. Traumatic Grief - this frequently accompanies prolonged grief with many overlapping symptoms. It also can include:

• Major Depressive Disorder
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Panic Disorder
• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) - today’s post will focus on this portion of traumatic grief

It’s not just for combat soldiers, although that is the population most commonly thought of when addressing PTSD. Certainly some traumas are more catastrophic than others, but actually it can affect anyone experiencing or witnessing an overwhelming life event. Something where you (or even someone you were near) are confronted with a threat to safety, impacting a sense of security, making you feel vulnerable helpless, or intensely fearful. Among such events are things like trauma, abuse, violence, actual or near death, injury, or a bodily threat.

PTSD develops and is exhibited differently from person to person - and can happen at any age. It can surface within hours, days, weeks, months, or even years following a traumatic event. Symptoms may show up suddenly, gradually, or can ebb and flow over time - and can sometimes be triggered by a reminder such as a noise, a smell, an image, or even certain words. While they can be unique to the person, symptoms usually show up in three main categories:

• Emotional numbing
• avoiding activities, places, certain people or topics of conversation
• memory problems, denying or suppressing an event
• detached and emotionally numb
• difficulty maintaining close relationships 
• feelings of distrust in others
• major depression
• negative self-image, sense of worthlessness
• feelings of abandonment or being separate (from others, and/or from God)
• suicidal thoughts and feelings
• hopelessness about the future
• some people resort to substance abuse in an attempt to self-medicate the pain
• thankful that I never turned to the false numbing methods of drugs or alcohol - food was my substance of choice
• Anxiety or panic
• trouble sleeping (too much, or too little)
• difficulty concentrating
• easily startled or frightened
• irritability or anger
• self-blame or guilt
• feeling alienated and alone
• hypervigilance (extended state of “red alert”)
• Intrusive memories
• flashbacks and/or upsetting dreams
• physical reactions to reminders (pounding heart, nausea, muscle tension, etc.)

All of these are a natural response to an unnatural situation. Where your mind demonstrates its capacity for self-preservation by simply doing what is necessary at the time by retreating to a place of mental “safety” and in a way shutting down.

However, on the inside you are far from shut down and feel things so intensely that you carefully erect walls or barriers. Afraid to show the depth of emotions. Afraid to love or reach out to another person. This is how you cope with what you experienced. This is "normal" to you.

And that is what I have done now for decades... carefully constructed walls and barriers. Today I still hide behind that familiar illusion of safety - but now know the reasons why they were built in the first place. Guess knowing is good - after all "knowledge is power", right? So why do I often feel so vulnerable and helpless then?

Good grief

Processing grief is like treasure hunting in the dump. In order to find the good stuff, you can't tiptoe through.

You must dig in and prepare to get messy, knowing the riches of joy and peace lie underneath the unpleasant stuff.

~ www.lorilara.com

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Sorry for the gap between blog posts lately. Have been busy digging through about 4 decades of stuff, looking for that treasure of joy and peace underneath it all. Not certain when it will be discovered, but have hope that eventually it will.

This post (and anticipated future ones) will talk about something which everyone at some point and in some form will experience in life... grief.

What is grief?

Simply put it is a natural and human response to loss. It comes in many different forms and intensities - and is not always about the death of a loved one (even though that is most commonly associated with grieving). Grief can be triggered by many things:

• changes or loss of any relationship
  - divorce
  - miscarriage
  - end of friendships
  - death
• illness
  - your own, or that of a loved one
• financial instability
• trauma
• changes in life
  - retirement
  - moving to a new location or job
  - graduating from school
• loss of a dream
• loss or absence of what "might have been"

Subtle or intense losses can all lead to the path of grieving. It makes sense that the more significant a loss, the more intense the grief might be.

Most people are aware of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Other theories out there point to anywhere from three to 12 different stages of grief. None of which have been able to fully describe everyone's grieving reality. Separating grief into stages implies that mourning is a passive experience - creating an expectation of what it is supposed to be like. This can in turn create the assumption that each of the stages at one point or another will be experienced.

But everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time. Every grief is unique. There is no map or timetable for grieving. Grief can manage to slide into every crevasse and space of daily life, and easily infiltrates the long nights.

When a person is not able to cope with the intensity of emotions - the heaviness of heart and mind - often they will find other methods to distract themselves from the loss or trauma. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss can only prolong the whole grieving process. This can then lead to other complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or health problems.

It isn't always easy to tell the difference between grief and depression - they share many overlapping symptoms. Grief can be more like a roller coaster - with a variety of feelings, both good and bad - where there can be moments of happiness in the midst of grief. With depression thoughts of emptiness, darkness and gloom are more constant.

Medication (anti-depressants) can relieve some of the symptoms of grief - but it cannot treat the cause, or the loss itself. Numbing the pain and delaying the mourning process is not the cure. Grief must be eventually felt and worked through before healing can be found - you can’t heal what you can’t feel. Grief can be better understood in yourself if you are aware of the nature of the pain. This is all part of the healing process.

If you haven't guessed by now, I'll tell you. Finally just this year I have been able to dig deep enough to uncover a foundation for the majority of depression in my life. Depression which has been very real, intense and pervasive. Lurking beneath it all with roots trailing back literally 40+ years (yes, that is a long time), what I discovered was... grief.

Choice and consequences

Every choice and decision we make in daily life has consequences associated with them... the good, the bad and the ugly (sometimes all three, and sometimes all at once). Recently it has been my choice to stop taking anti-depressant medications, which have been a part of my life for many years now. They served a very valuable purpose, and I do not regret the decision of having taken them. But now have chosen to take a different path.

Why am I doing this? There are several reasons, most important among them has been to finally allow myself the ability to accept and face certain previous life events without the mental and emotional anesthesia provided by those medications... which to a certain extent have actually prevented or inhibited necessary healing and learning.

Please know that this decision was not made lightly - and I did taper off the medications under proper clinical guidance. But with all prescription medications there are side-effects associated with both taking and stopping them. The main problem for me has been trying to separate out medication related side effect symptoms - with those stemming from facing and dealing with certain past life events. I've done the research on all of these, and there are so many symptoms which are very much common in nature. Here's a small sampling of reactions I have been dealing with the past number of weeks. Just so you know, nothing here is listed in any particular order.

• anxiety / nervousness
• nausea, stomach cramps
• confusion
• irrational fears
• rapid, pounding heartbeat
• irritability, hostility or anger
• worsening depression
• troubling thoughts
• highly emotional
• impaired concentration
• over reaction to normal situations
• overall malaise or feeling generally unwell

Trying to pull it all together has been more difficult than anticipated - but I do not regret this decision. Eventually, given some time and effort, there will be a leveling out. Until then please be patient, and know that I really am trying.

As promised

Yes, I did promise to post updates on how I'm doing with the whole "going off anti-depressant meds" thing. Still trying to wrap my head around it and sort though things. Am more emotional now than I was before. For me the meds provided a type of barrier which I hated, but also miss at the same time. Not sure if that makes much sense.

To fulfill my desire to post something, anything, on my blog -- I am resorting to a simple grouping of random photos. These are photos I've stolen (ahem, collected or borrowed) from the internet over the past few years - many of which were saved with the intention of possibly using them in a blog post. Well, here's my opportunity.

Interpret these photos however you wish. For me they are simply beautiful black and white photography... interesting images... and I'm just too tired to write a thoughtful blog post right now.

Choice

Have I... chosen wisely?

Has it really been almost an entire month since anything has been posted on this blog? Why yes... yes it has been a long time. The old me would feel incredibly guilty and apologize profusely. The current me... well I shall say I am truly sorry and just let it go. Because it is what it is - and my time machine isn't functioning properly to allow me to go back and post something.

What have I been up to this past month? An adventure choice in medication that's what, and one which is quickly drawing to a close. What is this choice of which I speak? Tapering completely OFF of anti-depressant medications... oh my! And an interesting journey this has been.

Please note that going off of medications of any kind is *not* for everyone - so please don't change what you are doing merely because someone you know (virtually or for reals) is doing it. Also with many medical situations it is not advisable to discontinue using medications. One simple analogy that might make sense... it’s not a good idea for a diabetic to stop using insulin.

This is a decision that I arrived at only after...

1. careful consideration and research of all consequences (both the good and bad)
2. consulting with a qualified medical professional (many meds require careful tapering of dosages... cold turkeying it is *not* advised)
3. continuing to work with a qualified (and awesome) counselor - who is supportive of my choice to take this path
4. telling a few close friends about this choice, and asking them to keep an eye on me (just in case)
5. and most important, in my book at least, asking my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing (because important journeys should always include inviting God to be your co-pilot - and life in general is an important journey!)

There was a time when I just knew meds would be my daily companion for the rest of my life. How could I possibly cope without them? It has not been an easy decision - nor an easy path getting to this point. Plus viewing the journey forward I know it will require climbing over some very rugged and at times steep uphill terrain. That being said, I believe I am ready for this challenge.

Completion of the medication taper will not be final until October 7th, one month exactly after starting. In future posts I will attempt to explain some of my multitude of reasons behind this choice - and provide updates on how I am doing.

Life weaving

The Master Weaver’s Plan
by: Benjamin Malachi Franklin

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver’s hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

(this poem was often quoted by Corrie ten Boom

as she traveled and spoke around the world)

Gone bananas

Banana Cake with
Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting

DISCLAIMER:
Recipe adapted, and photo borrowed, from blog link listed at the end of this post. Big thanks going out to Mel's Kitchen Cafe (who is way more talented in the kitchen than I am).
*******************************************

Decided to go for something different on my blog this week and post THE most delish dessert I've had in... was going to say "forever" or a "very long time" but will settle for... most delish in weeks!!

Banana Cake:
½ cup butter, softened
1½ cups white sugar
2 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (about three)*

• Preheat oven to 350° - grease 9x13 pan
• In large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth
• Beat in eggs, one at a time
• Stir in sour cream and vanilla
• In separate bowl - combine flour, baking soda and salt
• Stir into batter
• Mix in mashed bananas
• Spread evenly into prepared pan
• Bake for 30 to 35 minutes - until golden brown on top, and toothpick in the center comes out clean
• Allow to cool completely before frosting

*Tip for using extra-ripe bananas:

When you have bananas which are over ripe, but don't have time to bake anything... don't throw them away! Instead throw the whole bananas, peel and all, into the freezer (yes the peel will go dark brown in the freezer - that's perfectly okay).

At a later date remove from freezer, place on counter-top (or plate) and allow to thaw completely. Using kitchen sheers cut off bottom of banana peel, and squeeze the now perfectly mushy banana out. After thanking Mother Nature for the natural banana protector from freezer burn, discard the now useless peel,

Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 (8oz) pkg cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup confectioner’s sugar (I also added 2 large spoonfuls)
⅛ tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1½ cups heavy whipping cream

• In large bowl combine cream cheese, sugar, salt and vanilla
• Beat until light and fluffy - set aside
• In another bowl beat whipped cream until stiff peaks form (use chilled bowl and chilled beaters for best results)
• Fold whipped cream into cream cheese mixture
• Spread the delightful frosting over the cake (then fight or draw straws over who gets to lick the bowl)

recipe source: http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2008/11/banana-bars-with-whipped-cream-cheese-frosting.html

Playing with skunks

You can't play with a skunk and not stink

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It's interesting what you can learn about people by looking at what they surround themselves with. What's that old saying?... "You can judge a person by the company they keep."

Well if anyone wanted to learn more about me, there are a lot of things that could be looked at...

• what media I watch or listen to - easily determined by the DVDs and CDs found in my home and car.
• television shows watched, or computer games played
• the food in my refrigerator and cupboards
• clothing worn or found in my closet and drawers
• books on my bookshelf (both virtual e-reader, and hardbound)
• history of websites I visit

All of these (and many others) easily show how and what I choose to spend my time with - because that is the company that I keep. Eventually people become what they surround themselves with.

Lately I've been experimenting with doing more cooking at home. So far so good, no one has gotten food poisoning or died. Yet. One thing I've taken more to heart lately is experimenting using sauces or marinades to enhance the flavor of foods... to immerse or bathe foods in different substances. There is a correlation (at least in my mind there is) between food and those elements in which I immerse myself.

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker and author said:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

He also said:

You are the average of the five people you hang around with.

What influences and habits in my life are a result of the five people I hang out with the most? Do they help me improve and better myself, or is the opposite of that more true? In turn I also have to ask... what is my influence in their lives?

Have you ever noticed that people often start talking or behaving like their friends? As a literal example: over 25 years ago I had a friend from London, England. We spent a lot of time together, and quickly I discovered that my American/Utahn accent would fade in her presence... I was attempting to speak using an English accent (or a close approximation of one). This was not done to mock or disparage, merely an unconscious acquired action on my part, picked up from "hanging around" her. Of course it didn't help that I was completely fascinated by an English accent - thinking it to be quite brilliant!

President Gordon B. Hinkley said:

All of us are the products of the elements to which we are exposed.

What would happen if everyone were to surround themselves with - immerse themselves in - great thoughts, feelings, books, music, etc.? Dare I say that the toxic waste found in our lives would fade, only to be replaced by the good, more peaceful and beautiful things in life? Ah, that sounds "quite brilliant"!

Forever I am grateful for all the positive and uplifting influences in my life - past, present and future. As a side note, just so you know, I look fantastic wearing black and white!! But honestly hope to avoid hanging out with skunks, or becoming one myself!!

p.s. - sorry for being skunky
and not posting anything on my blog for over a month.