Creation

And now for a little something on the lighter side of life... because we all need to smile every now and then.

*****************************************************
(author unknown)

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Obama Health Care System. Amen.

Welcome home

cracked and broken
shattered on the inside
bandage on the out

obscured view haunted by unknown
pained and frightened
faltering sinking into darkness

make it go away please
teach me a different way please
help me escape please

dearest child

it is for but a small moment

thou wilt emerge triumphant
stronger on the other side

the entire journey thou art
cradled in the palm of my hand
for I have graven thee there

sing the song of redeeming joy

free from pain at last
welcome home

Yearning

tonight I am afraid

nervous
wondering
anxious

worried

what will emerge from the dark?

not certain I can cope
alone

yearning for
peace
comfort

love of parents

grandparents

ancestors before them

family

please come
be with me

Journaling gratitude (random 5 friday)

Went to my first appointment Thursday this week with a new counselor. She is awesome, and I am looking forward to ..... well, looking forward to looking forward again!

She is not there to wave a magic wand, or somehow "fix" my brokenness (this is real life, not fiction). But to offer guidance pointing me in the right direction, along with a lot of work on my part. This is what will lead me to achieve healing from depression.

To that end I received homework assignments. One being to maintain a "gratitude journal" - where I am to write down at least three things a day that I am grateful for. Accomplishing this means stepping out of my comfort zone. Okay I admit, it's not "comfortable" living my life in depression. It is in fact Hades on earth. But it is also what I know and am familiar with. So here's to the discomfort that change can bring! Woo hoo... I'm scared! So decided to use my blog to kick off this new beginning. And of course since today is Random 5 Friday, here are five (not three) things I am grateful for.

1. That I was the last counseling appointment scheduled for the day. We went overtime (by quite a bit), and she offered to me the tender mercy and gift of her time.
2. For only needing to write five things - because this is way harder to do than I thought it would be!!
3. My home. It needs some updating (and a lot of cleaning / decluttering), but keeps me safe, warm and sheltered.
4. People who read my blog, even though I personally know only a few of you. Still, seeing the number count of visits go up somehow gives me a sense of belonging... for someone cared enough to read my words and thoughts.
5. Last, but certainly never least, gratitude in my everything for the so freely given supreme gift of the Savior's atonement. Without this I would never have a chance to ever return home someday and live with my Father in Heaven.

Think that was easy for me to do? No it was not!! But I do feel much better now. Thank you for visiting today, let's do it again soon okay?!!

Thank you Nancy at A Rural Journal
for the opportunity to participate in...

Fourth watch

Looking forward to starting yet another round of counseling for depression... this week! It is time to learn (and re-learn) skills to help combat the darkness of depression - and hopefully find all the missing brain puzzle pieces to put them back together.

Decided this time to see a person who's practice focuses on Christ Centered Healing from depression. I have a deep love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and know that He has the power to heal. But it won't come without effort on my part.

As mentioned so many times in the Bible... belief, faith, and action are part of healing miracles. Here are only a few examples:

• The woman with an issue of blood had to reach out to touch the hem of His robe. 
• The 10 lepers had to ask to be healed - then "as they went" (when commanded to show themselves to the priests), only then did the cleansing occur. 
• Friends of a man, sick with palsy, "uncovered the roof... and let down the bed" so that Christ could heal him.

So it is even today... faith and action come before healing. How long might it take? There is no clear definitive answer to that question. It doesn't matter, because my God is a "fourth watch" God. It is in the New Testament, (Mark 6:45-51), that we read... "And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them"

Christ waited and watched the apostles on the Sea of Galilee, saw them struggling with their boat in the wind all through the night. However it wasn't until just before dawn did He come to them, walking on the water. Sometimes God comes in the first, second, or even third watch of the night. But there are also times when He closely watches and waits until the "fourth watch". It is my firm belief and testimony that He will come, after my faith is tested and strengthened.

Metal is strengthened through tempering by being thrust into a fiery furnace - so too people gain strength by passing through the flames of trials. God has the power to deliver me from the black furnace of depression... but if not, I will still hold close and dear my faith in Him. For I know that my ways are not His ways - and my timing is not His timing. It may not happen until the "fourth watch" of night, but it will happen.

true confession... 

the concept of a "fourth watch God" came from reading this book some time ago

When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered, by S. Michael Wilcox

think I need to read it again, it was soooo good!!

How do you know?

How do you know you’re depressed?

Not certain people in general know how to tell the difference between depression and sadness. It’s fairly simple: sadness doesn't last and people can fairly quickly recover from it. Depression is much deeper, lasts longer, and is more detrimental to one’s health and well-being.

To help with this, here’s a list I have compiled from a lot of reading, making notes, and reviewing numerous checklists, inventories, and observations of depression. These type of tools are often used in counseling or clinical settings to evaluate the level of depression a person is experiencing to better guide treatment.

Please know that depression is not a given, nor is it diagnosed, if you have “ever” felt or thought these things. Pretty much everyone has at one point or another. The diagnosis of depression is based on the level of intensity and frequency these thoughts and feelings are part of daily life. One could say the mind of a person with depression is constantly bombarded and cluttered with sad or negative thoughts, none of which are easily dismissed.

These are not listed in any particular order.

• Persistently sad, anxious or feelings of emptiness.
• Feelings of helplessness about the future.
• Restlessness, agitation, or irritable all the time.
• Pessimistic and hopeless - don’t expect things to work out.
• Worthlessness or feelings of failure as a person.
• Low self-esteem and very self-critical.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in things, people or activities once enjoyed.
• Thoughts about or wishes of hurting yourself, death or suicide.
• Cry all the time - or have reached the point where you just can’t cry, even though you want to.
• Indecisive and struggle making decisions anymore.
• Feelings of the brain being in a fog or disorganized all the time.
• Difficulties concentrating, thinking straight, or focusing on anything for very long.
• Appetite and/or weight has changed.
• Changes in sleeping patterns. Sleeping less (insomnia), or sleeping a lot more than usual.
• Tiredness, fatigue, or decreased energy. Unable to do even simple tasks like you used to, so start procrastinating.
• Body actions feel slowed down - speech, walk, and movements.
• Lack of caring about most things - including appearance or living conditions.
• Feelings you are being punished for something you have done.
• Disappointment, dislike, even hatred of self.
• Socially withdrawn and/or isolated. Feeling “unplugged” and experience inordinate difficulty making small talk.
• Family history of depression.

Random 5 Friday: my to-do list

Time for yet another "Random 5 Friday" -
joining with A Rural Journal once again!

1. Get to bed earlier at night

This is difficult for me to achieve most nights - because even though I love love love the sweet oblivion sleep can bring... I also hate going to bed when I'm not exhausted. Huh? When I'm exhausted, and falling asleep in my chair, then it means getting to sleep will not take extra time. That's time spent thinking about the day's failings, and tomorrow's anxieties. But not getting to bed earlier does make it SO much more difficult to drag myself out of bed in the morning (yeah, because someone with depression finds that easy to do... NOT!). Better sleeping habits, as I understand it, can help cope with depression - so it's worth yet another attempt to get a "normal" night's sleep.

2. Take time away from the computer to catch up on reading

My reading stack of books (listed in a previous post) is continuing to grow! Yes, I added yet another book to the mix just this week (heaven help me, it's an addiction!). Am feeling a bit overwhelmed with how many books I am reading right now - and very frustrated that I am apparently unable to focus on just one book for any great length of time. So different than when I was younger.

3. Take inventory

There are five very large boxes of things (mostly clothing that is too big for me now), sitting in my living room. Waiting for me to load my car up, and drop it all off at the local Deseret Industries thrift store. But before that can happen every item must be documented. There's an online app called It's Deductible, where for me all items donated get recorded. Why? So that at the beginning of next year filing my taxes will be made more simple - especially the section for deductions. The boxes have been sitting there for just over two months... patiently waiting for me to get busy.

4. Clean my bathroom

Not that my bathroom is "filthy" - no no no!! Simply stated: I absolutely abhor cleaning that room - so it sometimes gets put off a little bit longer than it should. Why do I hate cleaning it so much? Not really certain, but suspect it might have something to do with the 35-year-old 4x4 white tile with white grout everywhere (along with white tub, white sink, and white toilet - what were my parents thinking?). It just makes the endeavor seem so futile! Once finished, it's time to start at the beginning. Again. Or maybe it's a job I had as a teenager cleaning a bathroom for this lady who was never satisfied. Ever. Or perhaps it's as straightforward as "pure laziness" on my part. Guess it depends on the day which one of these is true!

5. Participate in 8-hours total of Church meetings this weekend!

This weekend marks what members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka: Mormons) call... General Conference. It happens twice a year - the first weekends of April and October - and has been happening for 183 years now! This is something I really really look forward to every six months... receiving gospel truths and instruction from the mouths of honest to goodness Prophets and Apostles! On Saturday, I will stay home and watch it broadcast on television (2-hours in the morning, followed by 2 additional hours in the afternoon). But on Sunday I am honored to personally be in attendance (along with about 20,000 other people in each of the two sessions) at the Conference Center in downtown Salt Lake City!

---

So these are five of my "must-do's"... but have a sneaky suspicion that many some will be summarily set aside, as I set a higher priority on going for a walk, or riding my bike! You know, those things found on my "wanna-do" list!

Well, except for #5 - because that is BOTH a "must" and "wanna" item!!!

Have you ever wondered what Mormons are taught 

in church, or at General Conference?
I'll give you a hint: Jesus IS the Christ!!

All are welcome... please come listen!!

Cobbled dessert

Decided to try something new, and post a recipe!! Yes, you heard me... I actually cooked something today with the intent to share with others. So far no one has died, that's good news!! Normally I don't try to inflict my sad culinary lack of skills on others - but this was too good to not share!

True confession: it's not my recipe, I pilfered (ahem) borrowed it from some dear friends. But since these photos and blog are mine - I shall take the applause!! Thank you, thank you!!

Here's what you'll need - along with photos of the process (mistakes and all)...

empty/used containers
(well, except for the butter)

forgot to start taking pictures
until this point (ooops #1)

dry cake mix, looks good, right?

here comes the butter (ooops #2)
(will explain this below)

fresh out of the oven...
can you see the "ooops" yet?

thanks to good friends
helping me to eat this!!

second helping... YUMM!!

So... can you guess the "ooops"?? Because I did not drizzle the butter - slowly - covering the entire cake mix - there were powdery components still on the top after removing from the oven!!

Note to self: take more time, do it right!!

Congrats to me!! I actually made whipped cream. From a carton. None of the fake stuff for this goodness!! Of course thanks to my lack of kitchen skills - had to ask friends on facebook how exactly one makes whipped cream. Glad I could be the source of amusement for so many! Now I know how to make whipped cream from scratch (maybe not "scratch" - I didn't milk the cow nor separate the cream)... where was I? Oh yes... now that I know the secrets for real whipped cream - feel free to contact me for help with that if needed!!

And now to provide the actual recipe, so you too can "slave away" making a great desert to impress make jealous, your own family and friends! This is so rich and decadent and delicious, people will praise your culinary skills.

BLUEBERRY COBBLER
(from the kitchen of John & Leslie McLean)

• 1 can crushed pineapple (drained)
• 1 can blueberry pie filling
• 1 box dry cake mix (yellow moist - never white)
• 1 cube butter (melted)

In an un-greased 9x13x2 cake pan, layer the ingredients. Seriously, no need to grease the pan at all because it doesn't really stick!

- spread drained crushed pineapple over bottom of pan
- cover that with the blueberry pie filling
- sprinkle entire dry cake mix over the top
- carefully drizzle (not pour) melted butter over everything... making sure to hit all of the cake mix (do not repeat my ooops!!)
- bake for 2-hours at 300 degrees
- serve with real whip cream (not the fake stuff from a tub)

Sunday will come

         Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
         But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
         No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.    Joseph B. Worthlin

He Is Risen

He is risen! He is risen!

Tell it out with joyful voice.

He has burst his three days' prison;

Let the whole wide earth rejoice.

Death is conquered; man is free.

Christ has won the victory.

(Cecil Frances Alexander)

More randomness

Am thinking this "Random 5 Friday" is a good thing... it is at least getting me on my blog and writing again!! Thank you shout-out to my blogging friend, Tina, for bringing this weekly "random fun" with A Rural Journal to my attention!!

1. Been thinking a lot about my Mom this week. She had an infectious laugh. Even if you didn't know her, when she laughed everyone in the room just had to join in! Really missing everything about her, especially the sound of her voice and the unconditional love and support that was so freely given.
2. Toying with the idea of maybe buying a motorcycle (emphasis on the "maybe"). Hard to justify a purchase like that because I would not be able to use it much of the year, thanks to cold weather in the late Fall, all Winter, and early Spring. Well there's that and the whole helmet wearing bad hair thing. Oh and I also don't really possess any skills, or even basic know-how, for operating a motorbike. But they do get fabulous gas mileage!
3. Never to my knowledge have I ever been a "morning person". In fact, I simply hate mornings. My brain really does not begin functioning until around 10 or 11 a.m. (and caffeine of any type is not an option, thanks to it making me quite physically ill). Of course depression, for me, can only exacerbate the whole ugly morning scenario. There are many many days where I'm honestly just doing good to get out of bed. That being said, must admit that I have been privileged to see a few truly spectacular sunrises in my lifetime. Too bad they occur so darn early!!
4. Found out earlier this week why Easter occurs at different times, anywhere from March into April every year. It is the first Sunday - after the first full moon - after the Vernal Equinox (aka: first day of Spring). Guess I never really thought about that before. Now we are all just a little bit more knowledgeable and prepared to amaze others with the amount of somewhat useless information stored in the brain!
5. This week I bought yet another book to read... because reading around five of them at the same time apparently just wasn't enough! What am I reading, you ask? Even if you didn't ask - I'm going to tell you anyway!!

• Scriptures. I try to read from the scriptures every day. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of course the Book of Mormon plays a large part in my scripture reading. But so too does the Holy Bible!!
• Light in the Wilderness, by M. Catherine Thomas
• Return: Four Phases of Our Mortal Journey Home, by Robert D. Hales
• As I Have Loved You, by Kitty de Ruyter-Bons
• After My Son's Suicide, by Darla Isackson. Reading this book I have learned so much about the Atonement of Christ, and am very grateful for the author's honesty and insights.
• Which all leads me to the book I bought this week... The Continuous Conversion, by Brad Wilcox. Having previously read his other fantastic book, The Continuous Atonement, I was so excited to see this new book I just couldn't wait to buy it and start reading!!

It can take me longer to finish books than maybe an average person, because I keep hopping from one to the other and back again! Yes, I do finish reading them (eventually)... in fact this past year I finished these most excellent books...

• Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness, by Chris Williams
• Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph over Obesity, by Pamela H. Hansen
• Reaching for Hope: An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression, by Meghan Decker

It is interesting what you can learn about a person from what they choose to read. What have you learned about me from this list of books?