Here and now

"Oh, that I could have had my days in the days when my father Nephi first came out of the land of Jerusalem... Yea, if my days could have been in those days, then would my soul have had joy..." ~Helaman 7:7-8

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I often wonder why I was born at this time, and in this place. Oh that I could have had my days in a different era or location. Wouldn't life have been easier there and then?  But a small voice inside tells me, it would not really be a challenge to live somewhere or somewhen else. That in the here and now is where I belong - and it is here and now where I will learn the specific lessons necessary for my progression.

Why then do I often just want to run away, sometimes by any means possible? To shed this here and now - and escape to there and then (future or past, it doesn't really matter). In that day, or in that place, my soul would have joy. I perceive it to be an easier time and place in which to live - but would it really?

Then my thoughts turn to wondering why I haven't been given the gift to leave this painful mortal existence behind? It always comes back to the fact that apparently God wants me in the here and now for some reason - and that I should be grateful for what I have - not looking at what might be a possibility given that choice. Perhaps I did have a choice, and as a result of a decision made before, I find myself here and now.

Here - now - there - then - time - space - future - past... each aspect so intimately connected in a way, and yet completely separate. Navigating through it all is so overwhelming. Where's my ostrich hole when I need it? I want to burry my head and somehow escape.

Dust and Chaos

As you may, or may not know, much of my home has recently been in a remodel phase of its lifespan. Chaos, construction dust, and restaurant food are words which help describe this latest adventure.

The chaos has settled down… somewhat. The pervasive dust is still in process of being hunted down and duly eliminated. I have been on a quest to put dust, and all such creatures associated with it (i.e. dust bunnies), on the endangered species list. (Please do not contact the ASPCA or local Humane Society… no real animals have been hurt in the process of cleaning).

I have found being able to once again use my kitchen for something other than a bedroom - is actually enjoyable. A 2+ month hiatus from cooking has proved to be educational to say the least. Here are some things I discovered…

• Restaurant take-away food can be quite expen$ive - and fattening!!
• With a limited amount of restaurants in my area - I am quite sick of all of them by now
• Microwave warmed-up restaurant food gets real old real fast
• Eating leftover delivery pizza for days on end will drive your taste buds insane

Surprisingly, preparing food at home can be relaxing in a way - and delicious (even if it is being done by a low rate amateur, such as myself). Let's just say that Food Network worthy I am not! Pretty sure there will still be those times when I’d rather just have cold cereal for dinner, or go hungry - than to put forth the time and effort to cook for just one person.

ugly food photo
shamelessly stolen from the internet

However, one good thing about being single and living alone - I am the only one who has to suffer from my culinary attempts. That is unless you dare to come over for dinner!!  I’ll cook something fabulously mysterious - betcha I won't even know what it is!!

Conflicting thoughts

I have been struggling over the past few days - dealing with conflicting thoughts, and some degree of guilt. Wondering if I am somehow lacking in the basics of love or charity for a certain someone? Or is it a health (mental & physical) self preservation reaction?

I came home the other day to see a phone number on my caller ID. When I saw who had called, I immediately got a stomach ache and tightness in my chest. It was very close to having an all out anxiety or panic attack - I truly did not wish to speak to this person. The thought crossed my mind, and there was an honest desire, for this person to somehow just go away. And no, I did not call them back.

Talk about split personalities! A part of me knows that I have done what I can regarding a relationship with this person (to no perceivable avail) - and that I should step back and leave this person in God's hands to take care of. Another part feels that perhaps I should walk that second mile. Then there is yet another part that reminds me I really have already done that, and even more.

It is very draining to have any level of relationship with a person who consistently criticizes anything and everything about me and my actions or decisions that they can possibly find. I call people like this "energy suckers" - those who do not give on any emotional level, but are constantly taking.

I suppose I am in a way seeking permission - or at least a confirmation to know for sure - that it is okay to separate myself from further contact with this person. I know it would be in my best interest to do so, but it is a very difficult decision to make.

Perhaps I should mention that this person is my one and only sibling, my only living immediate family member. Someone with whom I have never to my knowledge ever been able to relate with (no pun intended). We are complete opposites, having made totally different life choices. This is someone with whom I have pretty much nothing but DNA in common with.