I came home the other day to see a phone number on my caller ID. When I saw who had called, I immediately got a stomach ache and tightness in my chest. It was very close to having an all out anxiety or panic attack - I truly did not wish to speak to this person. The thought crossed my mind, and there was an honest desire, for this person to somehow just go away. And no, I did not call them back.
Talk about split personalities! A part of me knows that I have done what I can regarding a relationship with this person (to no perceivable avail) - and that I should step back and leave this person in God's hands to take care of. Another part feels that perhaps I should walk that second mile. Then there is yet another part that reminds me I really have already done that, and even more.
It is very draining to have any level of relationship with a person who consistently criticizes anything and everything about me and my actions or decisions that they can possibly find. I call people like this "energy suckers" - those who do not give on any emotional level, but are constantly taking.
I suppose I am in a way seeking permission - or at least a confirmation to know for sure - that it is okay to separate myself from further contact with this person. I know it would be in my best interest to do so, but it is a very difficult decision to make.
Perhaps I should mention that this person is my one and only sibling, my only living immediate family member. Someone with whom I have never to my knowledge ever been able to relate with (no pun intended). We are complete opposites, having made totally different life choices. This is someone with whom I have pretty much nothing but DNA in common with.
Self preservation is not a bad thing.
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