Conflicting thoughts

I have been struggling over the past few days - dealing with conflicting thoughts, and some degree of guilt. Wondering if I am somehow lacking in the basics of love or charity for a certain someone? Or is it a health (mental & physical) self preservation reaction?

I came home the other day to see a phone number on my caller ID. When I saw who had called, I immediately got a stomach ache and tightness in my chest. It was very close to having an all out anxiety or panic attack - I truly did not wish to speak to this person. The thought crossed my mind, and there was an honest desire, for this person to somehow just go away. And no, I did not call them back.

Talk about split personalities! A part of me knows that I have done what I can regarding a relationship with this person (to no perceivable avail) - and that I should step back and leave this person in God's hands to take care of. Another part feels that perhaps I should walk that second mile. Then there is yet another part that reminds me I really have already done that, and even more.

It is very draining to have any level of relationship with a person who consistently criticizes anything and everything about me and my actions or decisions that they can possibly find. I call people like this "energy suckers" - those who do not give on any emotional level, but are constantly taking.

I suppose I am in a way seeking permission - or at least a confirmation to know for sure - that it is okay to separate myself from further contact with this person. I know it would be in my best interest to do so, but it is a very difficult decision to make.

Perhaps I should mention that this person is my one and only sibling, my only living immediate family member. Someone with whom I have never to my knowledge ever been able to relate with (no pun intended). We are complete opposites, having made totally different life choices. This is someone with whom I have pretty much nothing but DNA in common with.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?

I don't know how Mary's garden is growing - but mine is coming along (now that three weeks of rain has ended, and I can actually work in the yard). On Monday I planted all sorts of bloomin' things in my little flower garden. No, there are no silver bells and cockle shells - instead I planted a geranium, some zinnias, salvia, alyssum, and a few marigolds.

The marigolds were planted in honor of my Grandpa. He was the dearest and sweetest man you would ever meet. Sadly he was also color blind - and yellow was pretty much the only color he could see in its full splendor. I remember how he would plant loads of marigolds along both sides of the walkway leading from the ditch (that ran alongside the road) all the way up to the house. He planted so many in fact that they would soon overwhelm and completely cover the walkway. Grandpa didn't care about that - he just enjoyed the beauty of the flowers.

When my flowers mature a bit, I will take photos and post them here on my blog. Until then - you'll need to use your imagination (which might actually be better than my sad little flower patch).