Dichotomy of stress

An interesting dichotomy occurs in my life when it comes to how I deal with stress. Okay, maybe it's only me (then again, maybe not)... but often when confronted by stressful situations and thoughts, I find myself maintaining mutually exclusive methods of either coping or shutting down. There doesn't seem to be an in-between middle ground or overlapping of the two... picture a WWI era "no man's land" separating the two trenches of defense.

There are days when I can work through the process and face the stress from external or internal sources. And then are the other days when I can't even face myself in the mirror, let alone look at a seemingly overwhelming life situation. Guess this hearkens back to the basic automatic "fight or flight" response... only for me it's a "just deal with it" or "fetal position curl-up and hide" response.

I find a need for to once again revisit processes previously learned (utilizing such things as mindfulness and being in the now) - to reduce or eliminate the negative impact of stress on body, mind and spirit - and especially the negative impact on overall health.

The goal is to focus on just one small portion at a time - don't bite off more than I can chew! This video is an impetus behind my first step - because it has helped me better recognize what is needed. Also I love watching the drawing (even if it totally shames my complete lack of artistic talent)!!

Solstice of peace

the Oreo has never let me down!!

Tomorrow will be an eventful day - and no, I'm not talking about the "end-of-the-world" Mayan calendar ending scenario. Tomorrow happens to be December 21st, otherwise known as the Winter Solstice.

In the northern hemisphere it is also known as the shortest and darkest day of the year. And if today is any indication, it will be a very cold day too (at least for those of us living in the "hades-has-now-frozen-over" climates)!!

The warmth and extended sunshine hours of summer are greatly missed - but there is a calm peaceful restfulness that comes with winter - a time of rest before the renewal of Spring. I choose to believe it is this which makes me want to hibernate in my warm bed for excessive hours of the night (and morning). A much nicer explanation than one of attempting to escape mental darkness via the sweet oblivion of sleep.

Actually this winter I am not as depressed as I have been in the past - it's a Christmas Miracle - for which I reach out to my God with much gratitude!!

It is my HOPE and PRAYER that the season's peace might spread throughout the world - comforting those in need, and who are grieving - calming the stirrings of hate and war.

CHRIST is the reason for the season - and may everyone have a very Merry CHRISTmas!!

Good Tidings of Great Joy

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Inspiring

What beautiful music and video - touching the heart and soul with a reminder of all that is good in this world - and honoring what this season is about... the the priceless gift of the birth and life of
the Savior of the world, even Jesus Christ!!

Enemy within

Sometimes the enemy is within - and I am my own worst enemy.
~ Messy Musings

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Have you ever stuck your hand in a pail of water, and then removed it? There are a few small temporary ripples left behind on the water's surface - and then nothing. No lasting impression or indication to mark the fact that "you were there".

That's how I often feel about my life, and what will be left behind once I'm gone. People have told me that isn't true and I accept their words - but don't really believe them. Any "hole" I might leave can easily and quickly be filled... soon even the small ripples of my presence will be gone and forgotten.

Yes, I live with not only depression - but also poor to non-existent self-esteem (all very well hidden away behind a screen). I seem to consistently seek for approval or validation in some way from others - unable to recognize or give it to myself. Perfection is sought for in things that I offer to people, but frequently find I'm pitifully lacking in talent or skills to meet expectations. For myself... "it's good enough" is the prevailing pattern, because to be honest believe most of the time I'm simply not worth the time and effort.

Some may find it difficult to believe or even understand my words and thoughts here. I know many things I accept on some level are just not true - including my distorted self-image. That being said, I try to use this blog for the selfish purpose of being a form of therapy. Writing things down helps me to see truths and possible solutions. The fact that it is made "public" so to speak, also brings a sense of realness that cannot be denied (I'm really good at the denial thing). Agree or disagree, it is what it is - but am trying to change it for the better.

Where did she go?

A person has been lost!!

Yes, I have lost the equivalent of an entire person... to be specific, a 103 pound person!  My diet lifestyle plan implemented the beginning of this year is closely reaching an end point (or is that a "beginning" point?). I am only about 15 pounds from my target!! Then I shall go through a 6-week "transition" phase, followed by a lifetime of making better and healthier food choices.

Last weekend it snowed, and looked so beautiful outside I just had to get a photo (or two, or three!!). Then came the brilliant idea that I should be IN the photo!! After all, I have a beautiful red sweater that would look fantastic against a snowy backdrop. A wonderful friend (thanks Catherine!!) ventured out into the snow with me to take some photos!!

This is my first time ever posting an actual photo of myself on this blog! For decades now I have been very camera phobic - always hiding behind people or objects whenever possible when cameras came out. The reason being, I honestly hated seeing my overweight self documented in a photo. That's all changed now... for the better!!

First "before & after"
June 2011 (7 months before starting)
June 2012 (5 months into weight loss)
(59 pounds lost)

I saved that pair of jeans... and will eventually take the quintessential weight loss photo "wearing" them.

Second "before & after"
January 27, 2012 (day before starting diet)
November 10, 2012 (almost there!!)
(103 pounds lost)
BIG difference, eh?!!

Wow!! It was really cold outside!!

It was a very fun day!!

Now you all know what I really look like (and no, I'm not a fuzzy green cartoon character)!!

Quake

What was that odd noise? It almost sounded like a big truck barreling from the south towards my apartment. Then the shaking began, slowly and somewhat rolling at first - quickly followed by severe east/west jerking motions of the earth.

There I was trying to keep my balance while standing in the bedroom doorway; being hit by the wildly swinging door; listening to things in the apartment crashing and breaking; wondering if the building would collapse; all accompanied by a multitude of car alarms going off outside. This was not my first experience with an earthquake, though it greatly eclipsed all the others. After what seemed like an eternity the shaking lessened, then stopped. As time then seemed to stand still I became aware of another sound... someone fearfully gasping for breath, and that someone was me!

When at the mercy of the elements and nature there is no control... only feelings of helplessness and insignificance in the face of forces much larger than ever imagined. Last month marked the 23rd anniversary of a date and time that shall never be forgotten by we who were a first-hand witness to a devastating quake and aftermath.

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.
   ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, May 2010

There is one thing in life that everyone has in common... adversity. It comes in one form or another and has happened, or will happen, to each of us. It might appear after a period of relative peace and comfort - shaking our very foundations and bringing with it fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness or sorrow. It may even at times seem constant and never ending. What is a severe struggle for one may not be for another. But I do know in faith, that we were given this time in mortality to become prepared, tried, and tested - all for the purpose of being transformed and strengthened through our choices (especially choices made in difficult times).

Who can provide help and comfort in times of hardship, stress and despair? Family, friends, neighbors and even pets can be a great support and resource. But there is only One... the Savior, Jesus Christ... who knows from personal experience how to best offer necessary aid. He has promised relief for all who believe on His name.

   And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
   And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
   ~Alma 7:11-12

If allowed, depression, illness, or a multitude of other trials can erode faith - or it can test and strengthen faith. Peace can be had even in the midst of a storm - whether that storm be physical, emotional, temporal, or spiritual. If endured well those storms will bring blessings. This is my faith, stronger at times and imperfect as it may be.

Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.
   ~Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, November 1999

Fake smile

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

~Nat King Cole, Smile

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It is so much easier to hide behind a smile, and tell people that “I’m okay, just tired” or that it was just a rough day at work. I have had decades of practice with this tactic, but when did those lies stop working? It was when I started telling other people about having severe clinical depression. After that most people don't believe me and now question when I say I’m okay or just tired.

However there is a great desire to not spread depression’s misery, or cause others to worry. It can put quite a strain on friendship to always respond truthfully that things are often not all that okay. Am fairly positive others are tired and frustrated with hearing about it - and tired and frustrated with trying to offer encouragement all the time... believe that I would be if in their shoes.

Therefore I choose to not lose, or diminish, or wear out, or drive away friendship... I need the love, interaction and contact with others. So the smile is making a comeback in my life, and sometimes I shall be hiding behind it. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Don't worry about me... I'm fine, just tired.

Disclaimer: this new "smiling put on a positive face concept" may or may not carry over to what I choose to write here... after all this blog has become an outlet for healing, part of my self-preservation personal therapy regimen.

That's all

And that's all I have to say about that
~ Forest Gump






There's an old saying that goes something like this...
     "if you can't say anything nice,
     don't say anything at all"

I would like to revise this just a little...
     "if you can't say anything nice
     about yourself or your life,
     then don't say anything at all"

Hence the lack of blog presence the past couple of weeks. And that's all I have to say about that.

We now return you to your previously scheduled, and way more interesting, internet browsing.

Patience Grasshopper

Master Po

Certain television shows and dialog phrases from my childhood still crop up in memory from time to time. In my mind, one such line was spoken by Master Po to the young student, Kwai Chang Kaine in the television series, Kung Fu... "Patience, Grasshopper."

Those same words have echoed in my mind for the past few days now, with an emphasis on the word "Patience". The virtue of patience is much needed in my life right now, as body energy reserves have been drained in a fight to overcome an infection.

Patience is also often required when confronted with other illnesses, like depression. Discouragement comes from wanting something specific without waiting. I want to be healed from this infection and from depression - and I want it now!! Placing our own desires on hold for any length of time is not pleasant, it requires that rare commodity... patience. I turn now to words of wisdom spoken a few years ago by one of the greatest men I have ever had an opportunity to meet...

Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

... Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness. (~Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, May 2010)

There is a lesson to be learned from life... a foundation is being laid to hold a structure. One that my mortal vision cannot see clearly during this building phase - but it is a magnificent structure that the Master Planner has designed specifically for me.

All I need right now is... "Patience, Grasshopper".