Yearning

tonight I am afraid

nervous
wondering
anxious

worried

what will emerge from the dark?

not certain I can cope
alone

yearning for
peace
comfort

love of parents

grandparents

ancestors before them

family

please come
be with me

Journaling gratitude (random 5 friday)

Went to my first appointment Thursday this week with a new counselor. She is awesome, and I am looking forward to ..... well, looking forward to looking forward again!

She is not there to wave a magic wand, or somehow "fix" my brokenness (this is real life, not fiction). But to offer guidance pointing me in the right direction, along with a lot of work on my part. This is what will lead me to achieve healing from depression.

To that end I received homework assignments. One being to maintain a "gratitude journal" - where I am to write down at least three things a day that I am grateful for. Accomplishing this means stepping out of my comfort zone. Okay I admit, it's not "comfortable" living my life in depression. It is in fact Hades on earth. But it is also what I know and am familiar with. So here's to the discomfort that change can bring! Woo hoo... I'm scared! So decided to use my blog to kick off this new beginning. And of course since today is Random 5 Friday, here are five (not three) things I am grateful for.

1. That I was the last counseling appointment scheduled for the day. We went overtime (by quite a bit), and she offered to me the tender mercy and gift of her time.
2. For only needing to write five things - because this is way harder to do than I thought it would be!!
3. My home. It needs some updating (and a lot of cleaning / decluttering), but keeps me safe, warm and sheltered.
4. People who read my blog, even though I personally know only a few of you. Still, seeing the number count of visits go up somehow gives me a sense of belonging... for someone cared enough to read my words and thoughts.
5. Last, but certainly never least, gratitude in my everything for the so freely given supreme gift of the Savior's atonement. Without this I would never have a chance to ever return home someday and live with my Father in Heaven.

Think that was easy for me to do? No it was not!! But I do feel much better now. Thank you for visiting today, let's do it again soon okay?!!

Thank you Nancy at A Rural Journal
for the opportunity to participate in...

Fourth watch

Looking forward to starting yet another round of counseling for depression... this week! It is time to learn (and re-learn) skills to help combat the darkness of depression - and hopefully find all the missing brain puzzle pieces to put them back together.

Decided this time to see a person who's practice focuses on Christ Centered Healing from depression. I have a deep love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and know that He has the power to heal. But it won't come without effort on my part.

As mentioned so many times in the Bible... belief, faith, and action are part of healing miracles. Here are only a few examples:

• The woman with an issue of blood had to reach out to touch the hem of His robe. 
• The 10 lepers had to ask to be healed - then "as they went" (when commanded to show themselves to the priests), only then did the cleansing occur. 
• Friends of a man, sick with palsy, "uncovered the roof... and let down the bed" so that Christ could heal him.

So it is even today... faith and action come before healing. How long might it take? There is no clear definitive answer to that question. It doesn't matter, because my God is a "fourth watch" God. It is in the New Testament, (Mark 6:45-51), that we read... "And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them"

Christ waited and watched the apostles on the Sea of Galilee, saw them struggling with their boat in the wind all through the night. However it wasn't until just before dawn did He come to them, walking on the water. Sometimes God comes in the first, second, or even third watch of the night. But there are also times when He closely watches and waits until the "fourth watch". It is my firm belief and testimony that He will come, after my faith is tested and strengthened.

Metal is strengthened through tempering by being thrust into a fiery furnace - so too people gain strength by passing through the flames of trials. God has the power to deliver me from the black furnace of depression... but if not, I will still hold close and dear my faith in Him. For I know that my ways are not His ways - and my timing is not His timing. It may not happen until the "fourth watch" of night, but it will happen.

true confession... 

the concept of a "fourth watch God" came from reading this book some time ago

When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered, by S. Michael Wilcox

think I need to read it again, it was soooo good!!

How do you know?

How do you know you’re depressed?

Not certain people in general know how to tell the difference between depression and sadness. It’s fairly simple: sadness doesn't last and people can fairly quickly recover from it. Depression is much deeper, lasts longer, and is more detrimental to one’s health and well-being.

To help with this, here’s a list I have compiled from a lot of reading, making notes, and reviewing numerous checklists, inventories, and observations of depression. These type of tools are often used in counseling or clinical settings to evaluate the level of depression a person is experiencing to better guide treatment.

Please know that depression is not a given, nor is it diagnosed, if you have “ever” felt or thought these things. Pretty much everyone has at one point or another. The diagnosis of depression is based on the level of intensity and frequency these thoughts and feelings are part of daily life. One could say the mind of a person with depression is constantly bombarded and cluttered with sad or negative thoughts, none of which are easily dismissed.

These are not listed in any particular order.

• Persistently sad, anxious or feelings of emptiness.
• Feelings of helplessness about the future.
• Restlessness, agitation, or irritable all the time.
• Pessimistic and hopeless - don’t expect things to work out.
• Worthlessness or feelings of failure as a person.
• Low self-esteem and very self-critical.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in things, people or activities once enjoyed.
• Thoughts about or wishes of hurting yourself, death or suicide.
• Cry all the time - or have reached the point where you just can’t cry, even though you want to.
• Indecisive and struggle making decisions anymore.
• Feelings of the brain being in a fog or disorganized all the time.
• Difficulties concentrating, thinking straight, or focusing on anything for very long.
• Appetite and/or weight has changed.
• Changes in sleeping patterns. Sleeping less (insomnia), or sleeping a lot more than usual.
• Tiredness, fatigue, or decreased energy. Unable to do even simple tasks like you used to, so start procrastinating.
• Body actions feel slowed down - speech, walk, and movements.
• Lack of caring about most things - including appearance or living conditions.
• Feelings you are being punished for something you have done.
• Disappointment, dislike, even hatred of self.
• Socially withdrawn and/or isolated. Feeling “unplugged” and experience inordinate difficulty making small talk.
• Family history of depression.

Random 5 Friday: my to-do list

Time for yet another "Random 5 Friday" -
joining with A Rural Journal once again!

1. Get to bed earlier at night

This is difficult for me to achieve most nights - because even though I love love love the sweet oblivion sleep can bring... I also hate going to bed when I'm not exhausted. Huh? When I'm exhausted, and falling asleep in my chair, then it means getting to sleep will not take extra time. That's time spent thinking about the day's failings, and tomorrow's anxieties. But not getting to bed earlier does make it SO much more difficult to drag myself out of bed in the morning (yeah, because someone with depression finds that easy to do... NOT!). Better sleeping habits, as I understand it, can help cope with depression - so it's worth yet another attempt to get a "normal" night's sleep.

2. Take time away from the computer to catch up on reading

My reading stack of books (listed in a previous post) is continuing to grow! Yes, I added yet another book to the mix just this week (heaven help me, it's an addiction!). Am feeling a bit overwhelmed with how many books I am reading right now - and very frustrated that I am apparently unable to focus on just one book for any great length of time. So different than when I was younger.

3. Take inventory

There are five very large boxes of things (mostly clothing that is too big for me now), sitting in my living room. Waiting for me to load my car up, and drop it all off at the local Deseret Industries thrift store. But before that can happen every item must be documented. There's an online app called It's Deductible, where for me all items donated get recorded. Why? So that at the beginning of next year filing my taxes will be made more simple - especially the section for deductions. The boxes have been sitting there for just over two months... patiently waiting for me to get busy.

4. Clean my bathroom

Not that my bathroom is "filthy" - no no no!! Simply stated: I absolutely abhor cleaning that room - so it sometimes gets put off a little bit longer than it should. Why do I hate cleaning it so much? Not really certain, but suspect it might have something to do with the 35-year-old 4x4 white tile with white grout everywhere (along with white tub, white sink, and white toilet - what were my parents thinking?). It just makes the endeavor seem so futile! Once finished, it's time to start at the beginning. Again. Or maybe it's a job I had as a teenager cleaning a bathroom for this lady who was never satisfied. Ever. Or perhaps it's as straightforward as "pure laziness" on my part. Guess it depends on the day which one of these is true!

5. Participate in 8-hours total of Church meetings this weekend!

This weekend marks what members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka: Mormons) call... General Conference. It happens twice a year - the first weekends of April and October - and has been happening for 183 years now! This is something I really really look forward to every six months... receiving gospel truths and instruction from the mouths of honest to goodness Prophets and Apostles! On Saturday, I will stay home and watch it broadcast on television (2-hours in the morning, followed by 2 additional hours in the afternoon). But on Sunday I am honored to personally be in attendance (along with about 20,000 other people in each of the two sessions) at the Conference Center in downtown Salt Lake City!

---

So these are five of my "must-do's"... but have a sneaky suspicion that many some will be summarily set aside, as I set a higher priority on going for a walk, or riding my bike! You know, those things found on my "wanna-do" list!

Well, except for #5 - because that is BOTH a "must" and "wanna" item!!!

Have you ever wondered what Mormons are taught 

in church, or at General Conference?
I'll give you a hint: Jesus IS the Christ!!

All are welcome... please come listen!!

Cobbled dessert

Decided to try something new, and post a recipe!! Yes, you heard me... I actually cooked something today with the intent to share with others. So far no one has died, that's good news!! Normally I don't try to inflict my sad culinary lack of skills on others - but this was too good to not share!

True confession: it's not my recipe, I pilfered (ahem) borrowed it from some dear friends. But since these photos and blog are mine - I shall take the applause!! Thank you, thank you!!

Here's what you'll need - along with photos of the process (mistakes and all)...

empty/used containers
(well, except for the butter)

forgot to start taking pictures
until this point (ooops #1)

dry cake mix, looks good, right?

here comes the butter (ooops #2)
(will explain this below)

fresh out of the oven...
can you see the "ooops" yet?

thanks to good friends
helping me to eat this!!

second helping... YUMM!!

So... can you guess the "ooops"?? Because I did not drizzle the butter - slowly - covering the entire cake mix - there were powdery components still on the top after removing from the oven!!

Note to self: take more time, do it right!!

Congrats to me!! I actually made whipped cream. From a carton. None of the fake stuff for this goodness!! Of course thanks to my lack of kitchen skills - had to ask friends on facebook how exactly one makes whipped cream. Glad I could be the source of amusement for so many! Now I know how to make whipped cream from scratch (maybe not "scratch" - I didn't milk the cow nor separate the cream)... where was I? Oh yes... now that I know the secrets for real whipped cream - feel free to contact me for help with that if needed!!

And now to provide the actual recipe, so you too can "slave away" making a great desert to impress make jealous, your own family and friends! This is so rich and decadent and delicious, people will praise your culinary skills.

BLUEBERRY COBBLER
(from the kitchen of John & Leslie McLean)

• 1 can crushed pineapple (drained)
• 1 can blueberry pie filling
• 1 box dry cake mix (yellow moist - never white)
• 1 cube butter (melted)

In an un-greased 9x13x2 cake pan, layer the ingredients. Seriously, no need to grease the pan at all because it doesn't really stick!

- spread drained crushed pineapple over bottom of pan
- cover that with the blueberry pie filling
- sprinkle entire dry cake mix over the top
- carefully drizzle (not pour) melted butter over everything... making sure to hit all of the cake mix (do not repeat my ooops!!)
- bake for 2-hours at 300 degrees
- serve with real whip cream (not the fake stuff from a tub)

Sunday will come

         Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
         But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
         No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.    Joseph B. Worthlin

He Is Risen

He is risen! He is risen!

Tell it out with joyful voice.

He has burst his three days' prison;

Let the whole wide earth rejoice.

Death is conquered; man is free.

Christ has won the victory.

(Cecil Frances Alexander)

More randomness

Am thinking this "Random 5 Friday" is a good thing... it is at least getting me on my blog and writing again!! Thank you shout-out to my blogging friend, Tina, for bringing this weekly "random fun" with A Rural Journal to my attention!!

1. Been thinking a lot about my Mom this week. She had an infectious laugh. Even if you didn't know her, when she laughed everyone in the room just had to join in! Really missing everything about her, especially the sound of her voice and the unconditional love and support that was so freely given.
2. Toying with the idea of maybe buying a motorcycle (emphasis on the "maybe"). Hard to justify a purchase like that because I would not be able to use it much of the year, thanks to cold weather in the late Fall, all Winter, and early Spring. Well there's that and the whole helmet wearing bad hair thing. Oh and I also don't really possess any skills, or even basic know-how, for operating a motorbike. But they do get fabulous gas mileage!
3. Never to my knowledge have I ever been a "morning person". In fact, I simply hate mornings. My brain really does not begin functioning until around 10 or 11 a.m. (and caffeine of any type is not an option, thanks to it making me quite physically ill). Of course depression, for me, can only exacerbate the whole ugly morning scenario. There are many many days where I'm honestly just doing good to get out of bed. That being said, must admit that I have been privileged to see a few truly spectacular sunrises in my lifetime. Too bad they occur so darn early!!
4. Found out earlier this week why Easter occurs at different times, anywhere from March into April every year. It is the first Sunday - after the first full moon - after the Vernal Equinox (aka: first day of Spring). Guess I never really thought about that before. Now we are all just a little bit more knowledgeable and prepared to amaze others with the amount of somewhat useless information stored in the brain!
5. This week I bought yet another book to read... because reading around five of them at the same time apparently just wasn't enough! What am I reading, you ask? Even if you didn't ask - I'm going to tell you anyway!!

• Scriptures. I try to read from the scriptures every day. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of course the Book of Mormon plays a large part in my scripture reading. But so too does the Holy Bible!!
• Light in the Wilderness, by M. Catherine Thomas
• Return: Four Phases of Our Mortal Journey Home, by Robert D. Hales
• As I Have Loved You, by Kitty de Ruyter-Bons
• After My Son's Suicide, by Darla Isackson. Reading this book I have learned so much about the Atonement of Christ, and am very grateful for the author's honesty and insights.
• Which all leads me to the book I bought this week... The Continuous Conversion, by Brad Wilcox. Having previously read his other fantastic book, The Continuous Atonement, I was so excited to see this new book I just couldn't wait to buy it and start reading!!

It can take me longer to finish books than maybe an average person, because I keep hopping from one to the other and back again! Yes, I do finish reading them (eventually)... in fact this past year I finished these most excellent books...

• Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness, by Chris Williams
• Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph over Obesity, by Pamela H. Hansen
• Reaching for Hope: An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression, by Meghan Decker

It is interesting what you can learn about a person from what they choose to read. What have you learned about me from this list of books?

5 random things

Today I decided to join "Random 5 Friday" in conjunction with another blog, a rural journal. It's my first time doing this - hopefully it will become a weekly event!

1. After almost two months living in the dark pit of a seemingly never ending battle with depression, I am finally (and for reals) coming out of it!! How can I tell? When I stop being envious upon hearing someone has passed away - and start having interest and excitement in things, events, and life in general again!! (hoping this time I can keep my head above the surface... light and air is a good thing)
2. Had a LASIK "touch-up" (basically a re-do of last year's surgery) on my left eye this week. At the next day follow-up appointment, was told I am once again sitting at 20/20 vision!!
3. Went clothes shopping after that appointment, to celebrate - and to keep up with replacing my entire wardrobe. Spring is here... turtlenecks and sweaters hopefully won't be needed for too much longer! Buying new clothes is the most expensive part about losing weight, but it's fun too (especially shopping in "normal size" stores)!
4. In January I sent some "before and after" photos of my weight loss to friends at work. Forgot one of them works in Public Relations, DOH!! Was asked if he could write something in the corporate newsletter about my success - and here is a link to that story (hope the link works for you). Good thing about this... gives me more motivation to maintain the weight!!
5. It is now Spring, but obviously from the blizzard outside this morning, we are experiencing "second winter". Honestly, I would much prefer "second breakfast" to winter!! Bahahahaha!!

Just sayin'

For the past few years now I have been collecting short thoughts and observations about life and depression. Many of these are written by me, others were gathered from one place or another. Some are funny (at least they are to my strange and dry humor), but mostly they are just true to one degree or another. And many of them I probably will not be posting on facebook, so of course into my blog they go!!

These are listed in no particular order, which really goes against my "must be organized" brain... but I'll get over it. Please note that I did delete a number of them, because the post was getting way too long (it's still long, sorry 'bout that). Am apologizing in advance if someone takes offense at one, any, or all of these.

• Is medicated for your protection.
• This will be a good day. This will be a good day. This will be a good day. Yeah right, I don't believe me either.
• My head is a dangerous neighborhood, and I should never wander there alone.
• Everyday I say I'm okay. Everyday I lie.
• The smile you see on my face everyday is fake. You may wonder how I can fake it so well - just know that I have been practicing for a long time.
• There are days, like today, when I wish I could just disappear - and see who would really care.
• Hiding from the world sounds good right now.
• Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long.
• Am thinking it's time to disappear for a while... a LONG while.
• Hate that feeling when you are absolutely sure you've hit rock bottom - but you keep on falling.
• Am tired but don't want to go to sleep - because then tomorrow will be here and it starts all over again.
• If you ever see that I'm having a down time, don't ask me what's wrong. Just give me a hug, and let me know that you truly care about me. In other words, lie.
• It's hard to smile when everything feels so wrong. But it's even harder to tell people why it feels that way.
• Ever feel like you're sinking in quicksand, and nobody is around to pull you out?
• Fake smile, check. Fake laugh, check. Fake sparkle in my eye, check. Pain hidden inside, check. Ready to lie to the world again!
• Ever feel like you just don't belong... that you shouldn't be here... that you shouldn't exist?
• I'm just... really tired.
• Someone once asked me - "Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?". I replied, "Why do you assume I see two roads?"
• Just breathe - because sometimes it's ALL you can do.
• Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake... good.
• Sitting here thinking, "what did I do to end up like this?"
• Have learned that it's better to just say you're okay than try to explain why you're not. How do you explain something that you don't know yourself?
• Know I'm good for something... just haven't found it yet.
• Just when I think I've hit rock bottom... the floor collapses under me and I keep falling.
• Sometimes I smile to make the others around me feel good - and I laugh because I want people to think I'm alright, when I'm really not.
• The people who laugh and smile the most are the ones in the most pain. Laughing and smiling isn't just the best medicine, it's the best disguise
• Sometimes you feel like you just want to die - but in reality, you just want to be saved.
• Just when you hit rock bottom and think you can't go any lower... OH lookie there's a sink hole.
• Do you ever feel like you're stuck in quick sand... and the more you struggle and try to get out, the faster you sink?
• How do you take the next step - when you don't know where you're headed.
• You might not be able to tell, but each and every day is a battle for me - and one of these days I might lose.
• Sometimes what doesn't kill you only makes you wish it did.
• Definition of Depression: a slow evil monster that every time it appears to be gone, it sneaks back (sometimes with a vengeance).
• I will do as I have always done... endure.
• Sometimes you don't need someone to pull you out of the darkness... just need them to sit there with a candle, letting you know you are not alone.
• Telling someone with depression to "get over it", "quit living in the past", or "snap out of it"... is like telling someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk - or asking a blind person to just look harder, and they will see it.
• "I'm fine" -or- "I'm just tired" - are the biggest lies I have ever told.
• Am looking forward to the time when I can laugh and smile at the same time... and really mean it.
• Got up this morning, took a deep breath and told myself that I can do this. That feeling sure didn't last very long.
• I'm broken... thanks for asking.
• Wishing for the waves of sleep to come crashing over me -- so I may fall into a dreamless unconscious, and finally obtain sweet oblivious peace.
• Had a bad dream once that I tried to wake up from and couldn't. Then realized oh wait!! I'm awake and this IS my life.
• Am looking forward to something to look forward to.
• Think maybe it's easier to keep the wall up... dig a moat... and add piranhas.
• Wonders how strong God thinks I am for putting me through all this.
• I'm a survivor!! Every day I have Depression AND everyday I survive it!! May not mean anything to you, but it means facing another day for me.
• Have a hard time understanding why I feel the way I do some days - but have come to realize that each time I make another day, I've won the battle (but the war goes on)
• Words cannot describe how I feel right now, *sigh*
• I must be wishing on the wrong star.
• Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive 'til my sanity returns.
• Just. Can't. Do. Today. May I be excused?
• "Are you OK?" - "Yeah, I'm just tired." The perfect excuse.
• When people ask if I'm "okay" - I tell them I'm "fine". Then I laugh because I almost believed my own lie.
• Sometimes silence is the loudest noise
• Some wounds are invisible - but they are more painful than the ones you can see.
• Wish I had a reason to go to work other than paying for bills - and a reason to go home other than sleep.
• What does it say about life when I have to bribe myself to get out of bed in the morning - with the promise that if I make it through the day, I can go back to bed?