Wolves

One winter evening, while sitting around a blazing fire, an old American Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life, and the inner war that goes on inside of all people.

“You see,” said the old man, “this inner struggle is like two wolves fighting each other. One is evil; full of anger, fear, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, hatefulness, and lies.”

“The other one,” he continued, poking the fire with a stick so it crackled, “is good; full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, faith, compassion, and truth.”

For a few minutes the boy pondered his grandfather’s words and then asked, “So which wolf wins, grandfather?”

His bright eyes focused on his grandson, and the wise old chief said, “The one that you feed.”

---

I remember as a teenager sitting in a Sunday school class at church, and again later in seminary - seeing a film narrated by Elder Boyd K. Packer about the "music of our minds" - and our minds being like a stage.  It was basically taken from an article found in the January 1974 Ensign magazine.

Being the irreverent immature adolescents we were - countless jokes were made about this. Yes, we were somewhat mocking of a message from a servant of the Lord - for which actions I am positive there will be time assigned for me to spend in purgatory.

Those words so thoughtfully given many years ago are pretty spot on target, even more so today. Elder Packer talked about the influences that music can have on a person – their mind, and their spirit. I would like to take this a step further and include all types of media presented in today’s world.

In addition to questionable music, there are movies, books, video games, television, internet, texting and so-called “smart” phones - the list goes on (and on, and on). Each of these can provide much good in the world… and in turn each can also hide a significant evil behind the guise of coolness, popularity, or even sometimes tolerance.

You might be wondering what all this has to do with the story of the two wolves. The question is... what types of influences do I allow in my life which are feeding at least one of those two wolves inside?

The scriptures say that no one can serve two masters - or in other words, it is not possible to feed both wolves at the same time. Negative and distorted thought processes which come with depression - can also effectively serve the wrong master, or feed the “evil” wolf. For me, this can be significantly enhanced by outside influences.

It is never an easy task to make changes in thought patterns - for me it has taken both ongoing therapy and medication (along with a great deal of love and support from dear friends). I still experience periods of depression - but I know to whom and where can I turn for peace.

I also know that my choices of media can have a powerful impact on all aspects of my life - mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I tend to be very picky about the quality and type of media allowed in my home and in my life - striving to select that which will feed the good inside.

It takes everyone

My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;
~Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

About a week or so ago, a dear friend and I were talking. She mentioned that even our trials and afflictions are actually blessings. My immediate thought was... well, they certainly wear a great disguise! How can something horrible or painful be remotely considered a blessing?

The more I pondered on this statement, the more I saw truth in it. It is from the hard times that we learn our greatest insights and lessons. Trials and afflictions come with great intensity prior to great blessings. The resurrection of Christ came after the crucifixion. The atonement came after the suffering untold pain in Gethsemane.

This may be difficult to understand, but I am grateful for depression. Huh? What did she just say? How on earth can someone express gratitude for something so incredibly painful and devastating? What I wanted was to escape depression’s intense pain by pretty much any means possible... and instead God gave me friends to hold me close and anchor me to life. God gave me what I needed, when I needed it the most - not what I wanted in the moment - for this and the lessons learned I am grateful.

Does this mean I want to experience again these past years of darkness and indescribable anguish? Oh heck no!! Does this mean I have learned what is necessary to never travel again the path of depression? Sorry to say this is not my current reality (if yesterday was any indication). But what it does mean is that I am stronger today than I was before. I know more today about the devastation of depression than I ever thought possible - and methods to pull out of a downward spiral. I am more able to recognize depression in others, and perhaps have opportunities to share and encourage them when they need a friend to hold them close.

You’ve heard the phrase, "it takes a village". In reality, "it takes everyone"! Everyone reaching out to God - leaning on each other for necessary support - bearing one another’s burdens, that they may be made light. (Mosiah 18:8-10)

I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong
I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to solve
I asked for prosperity, and God gave me brawn and brains to work
I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome
I asked for patience, and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait
I asked for love, and God gave me people to help
I asked for favors, and God gave me opportunities
I asked for everything so I could enjoy life, instead He gave me life so I could enjoy everything
I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed
~ author unknown

Health news

Good news

I've been taking an additional medication to help with depression, and now I'm more upbeat than I've been in literally years (not quite sure how to handle this!!). What is this "miracle drug" you ask? Nothing spectacular, only a form of folic acid that my body can actually utilize. Deplin is the brand name - L-methylfolate is the important ingredient. For specifics, visit the Deplin website. For more personal information on this, visit Melanie at Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman. She is much better versed on the topic than I am... I just know it seems to be working for me!! Thanks Melanie for letting me know about it!!

Bad news

Two weeks ago today, I had a clumsy accident. Me versus a cement staircase... guess who won? Hit my knee square on the front edge of a stair - ouch!! - and did a stunning tweak of my neck and arm. Tension headaches, migraines, aches, pains, and a nice limp (especially when climbing stairs)! Knee x-rays show no evidence of fracture... yippie!! But they do show... "minor patellar spur formation, and mild lateral patellar subluxation". From my point of view, this basically means painful knee for weeks (if not months).

Good news

My doctor told me to go get a good deep massage for my neck and arm. Sometimes it is just soooo difficult to obey the doctor's orders... HA!! Have an appointment setup for tomorrow afternoon (not soon enough for me!!). Thanks Admin Gal for convincing me to finally go see a doctor (convincing/threatening = same thing!!).

Edukashun

I spent this past week attending so many great classes at BYU Education Week! Haven't been to one of these for at least 12-years now... and am so grateful for the opportunity to once again feast on the mental and spiritual manna they offer.

I drove the 50 miles from my home to Provo, and back, everyday (rather than staying in the Provo area). Which meant getting up way too early in the mornings, and staying up way too late at night! But the lack of sleep was totally worth it!

Still need to fully digest the things learned this week. Back-to-back classes, all day and into the evening... pages and pages of notes (my still sore hand & arm attest to that) - it's going to take a few days / weeks / months to sort through and ponder. After that, perhaps I will have more rested brain power to share. Until then, I think it's time for a nap!

Idontcare-itis

This past week I have come down with a serious case of Idontcare-itis. A fairly common ailment that can often occur in conjunction with depression. The layman's definition of this might be... "it doesn't really matter anyway, so why care?"

One side effect of Idontcare-itis is a lack of interest in pretty much anything and everything. This could be a key factor behind why I really do not have much to blog about this week... except perhaps that right now I don't care that I don't care.

You might want to get yourself vaccinated - so you don't risk catching it from me! And wearing a surgical mask might help protect you from the Idontcare-itis germs (plus you would look so cute wearing one!!)

Trust

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
- Goethe

I must have been around 16 or 17-years old, and borrowed the family car to go to the local movie theater with a neighborhood friend. My Dad explicitly told me the conditions for borrowing the car - I was to drive to the theater and back, with no “side trips”. Instead, after the movie my friend and I decided to drive to the neighboring town for an ice cream treat - before heading back home. She and I had a great time, and really were not late in getting back home... so no problem, right? Little did I know that my Dad had gassed up the car earlier that very evening, and had the odometer reading recorded (keeping detailed vehicle records like he always did). I was duly informed the next day that I would not be allowed to borrow the car again, until I had earned back my parent’s trust. I had not followed through with my part of the bargain, and didn’t even bother to inform my parents what I had done - resulting in the loss of trust.

Trust is a principle I have really pondered about lately. Trust in God, trust in other people, and especially trust in myself. It is difficult for me to trust in my own thoughts and feelings. This comes after many years of thought betrayal and distortion - due to the clouds of depression.

In the past I have been completely convinced of something, only to discover through study and therapy the distorted untruthfulness. This is one area where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can really help... to wade through the distorted thoughts and finally discover the truth. It has been a struggle to trust my own feelings and thoughts - not really believing that I have earned the right to trust myself again.

I have recently been praying for help with a certain decision, and have experienced feelings (positive and negative) regarding each path to take. Yet even with positive feedback of one choice, over the negative of another... I still looked for confirmation from a source outside myself.

Not trusting in my own feelings, I counseled with my Bishop (congregation faith leader). I explained to him what the choices were, and how I was searching for an answer to my prayers. In talking with him about the positive and negative feelings I had experienced - he kindly informed me that these feelings were the answer to my prayers.

This has been a wakeup call. Recognizing that lack of trust in myself - was in actuality an expression of lack of faith or trust in the Lord. When I can trust again in my own thoughts and beliefs - then I am ready and available to honestly and openly put my faith in the Lord, and trust in the guidance He so willingly offers.

Am I ready and able to start trusting myself? I certainly hope so!

Blind wanderings

In elementary school I once read a book about a young boy who became blind in an accident involving fireworks. I was fascinated with the story of how he learned to cope with his eyesight loss, learned to read braille, and was finally teamed with a seeing eye dog.

After a long day in school, as I frequently walked alone the four blocks home, I would close my eyes - attempting to understand what it would be like to be blind. I had no cane of course, so would try to have one foot brush the grass lawn along the sidewalk as I walked. With closed eyes it seemed to take so much longer than I thought possible to walk from one yard to the next. Frequently I would end up "cheating" by opening an eye slightly to regain my orientation - and view how much further it was to the next driveway or street corner.

Life was so much simpler as a child than it is as an adult. Now as I walk along life’s path, I am regularly unable to see the way before me - and there is no easy option available to crack open an eye to gain a point of reference. My eyes are already wide open, but unable to see much through the darkness. Sometimes a counselor or friend will walk by my side for a few precious steps, helping to direct with a guiding word here or there - briefly illuminating part of the path with their inner light.

Most of the time I seem to be alone, floundering along stubbing toes and cracking shins on unseen obstacles. In faith I know that I am never truly alone on this path. Even more so than mortal friends - my Savior is always there to guide and help me, with His hand always outstretched.  I can look back on the path trodden, and clearly see places where the outcome would have been very different if not for His guidance through the roughest parts.

It is one thing to look back, to see and know in your mind - and quite another to have the ability to feel in the present. The most depressing part of clinical depression is the tremendous difficulty, or inability, to feel or recognize guidance and blessings of the Spirit in the moment. When I most need to feel God’s will, and know in my heart that I am loved by Him - depression clouds my ability to perceive that comfort.

So I continue stumbling forward (and I admit, sometimes a bit sideways) on life’s path...

• able to see the past
• darkness obscuring the future
• alone in the present
• not really alone, but numb

Eye-lights

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
beach & partial view of roller coaster

Summertime! Summertime when in my mid 20’s and living in California, always meant trips to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Not a ton of rides like some other amusement parks, but seriously probably the best wooden roller coaster ever!!  And of course there is the whole boardwalk atmosphere, with a great beach on which to flop down to enjoy the waves and sunshine!

Inevitably my friends and I would stop at a carnival type booth where you paid a couple of dollars to have the guy guess either your weight, or your age (within 10-lbs or 5-years). Ain’t nobody gonna get me to step on a scale in public to verify my weight... ‘nuff said! So I would consistently opt for the age guess. I always, always, won that contest - and received many a cheap prize at the boardwalk as a result.

People have never really been able to accurately guess my age... which can be a blessing, and a curse. A blessing because, what woman wouldn’t want to look younger than they really are, and seem to age somewhat gracefully? A curse because sometimes people just don’t take you seriously when they probably should... thinking you are a young flibbertigibbet or something. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, because now at least people think I am a more mature sensible mid to late 30’s (yeah, you might want to tack 10-years onto that number!).

There is one more thing about me that other people just cannot seem to correctly interpret either. That would be my eyes. Yes, I said my eyes... they don’t really tell the whole truth. My counselor told me, last year when I started seeing her for clinical depression therapy... that people would not believe me if I told them I have severe depression (heck, they wouldn't believe mild depression either). She said there is a certain light in my eyes which belies what is beneath. Leading others to think all is well with me, and most certainly never clinical depression.

The lesson here is... don’t base opinions on what you see on the surface! That is most likely not the true or whole story for a good number of people! Especially for one such as me, who have become skilled in hiding behind masks... even while leaving my eyes always in full view.

Lessons from the Grand Canyon

(disclaimer: photos blatantly stolen... um, make that borrowed... from the internet)

Once upon a time, about 20 years ago, a roommate and I traveled southward to see the sites of the Grand Canyon. It was my first time to see in person that true wonder of nature. A highly anticipated mule ride to the inner rim of the canyon was also on the agenda!

Bright Angel Trail

That morning as our mule train started down the steep switchback Bright Angel Trail - I was seriously reminded of my great fear of heights! With one leg seemingly dangling over the edge of nothingness, and the other fairly close to the wall!! I tried to keep breathing while holding tight to the saddle pommel, and anxiously repeating the same words over and over in my mind... "If the Brady Bunch could take a mule ride into the canyon, then so can I." It certainly didn’t help to listen to the mule guide inform us in detail of the trail dangers - or read the warning signs posted at the trailhead. After awhile I was finally able to relax a bit, breathe normally, and really enjoy the journey and spectacular scenery - once I decided that I could trust my mule to get me there and back safely.

It was an overcast day with light mists of precipitation helping to keep us somewhat cool along the way, but not enough to make the trail muddy. Finally we arrived at the inner rim, and a rest area (with actual flushing toilets of all things!!). We could walk... ur, make that waddle from being in the saddle too long... to the edge of the inner rim and gaze down at the majestic Colorado River, winding its way through the bottom of the canyon.

The weather didn’t changed much during the whole trip, and soon it was time to head back... up the trail. We paused frequently along the way giving the mules bits of rest, and as instructed we were to always turn the mule facing into the canyon for a rest break. A mule might backup and take an accidental plunge over the edge, but would never walk forward and fall with the edge danger so clearly in their sight.

Trail switchbacks

Just over half-way up, while resting the mules at one of the switchback bends in the trail - a loud crack was heard overhead. Thinking it might be thunder, everyone looked upwards. There was no sign of lighting, but there were a few rocks beginning to tumble down from the upper rim, the start of a rockslide - headed for the winding trail just above and below us. To our amazement, a large slab slowly separated from the rim, swiftly gaining momentum as it hurtled down the side of the canyon, picking up other rocks of all sizes with it along the way. This large slab slammed hard into the trail just above us, and launched itself clear of the trail into the canyon below. The other loosened rocks continued their assault, cascading down the side of the canyon wall.

Our group was off to one side, not in the direct path of the rock avalanche, in a position allowing a prime view of nature’s destructive forces playing out before our eyes. Clearly seeing hikers on the trail below us, we all attempted yelling out warnings of the rockslide, and for them to hug the canyon wall for shelter.

Some people quickly heeded the shouted warnings and moved to points of more relative safety. But there in the middle of the trail were two people looking around, not sure what they should do. It was truly traumatic to watch both of them hit by falling rocks. Rescuers were quickly sent from both the bottom and top of the trail to assist any wounded, and assess the integrity and safety of the trail before allowing any of the visitors to continue on. We were instructed to remain sitting on our mules, and could only helplessly watch the trained efforts of others.

I will never forget the shock and sadness of what I witnessed; one of the people I saw hit with rocks was fatally wounded, pronounced dead on the scene. What a vivid visual reminder of how fleeting mortality really is, and how it can be cut short unexpectedly at any time.

Lessons I have learned from this at first fun and exciting, then turned horrific, event at the Grand Canyon are...

• Keep a watchful eye on the dangers of the trail edge to avoid an unintended misstep, which can cause serious injury or even death.
• Pay heed to the warning signs and words of instruction from those guides who know the path well. Listen to those ahead on the path, for they may see something coming others are not aware of yet.

How do these mule ride lessons translate to my life today?

• Hold tightly to and follow the iron rod running along life’s trail - it is the word of God and will lead to a place of joy and happiness. Keep a watchful eye on influences and dangers which can lead to a misstep causing serious injury, even spiritual death.
• Pay special heed to the warnings and instruction given by prophets and leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - for they have a clear and inspired view of the path ahead. They will lead the way to points of safety, by helping to avoid unseen dangers.

Much of the time I find life's trail is obscured by mists of darkness and depression. These are obstacles which I have been given to learn from, and to navigate through. I do much better in my journey when I remember the lessons learned from past experiences - and from the wisdom contained in the words of the prophets. Even knowing this, I still have moments when I loose myself, stumble and fall. Humbled, knowing I will not make it to the top alone, while on my knees I cry out in pain, I cry out in prayer. I know that God will always lift me up (whether I am aware of it consciously or not), sending rescuers when needed to bind my wounds and assist me on my way.

Donuts anyone?

Years and years ago, I remember going to the Salt Lake Donut Co. with my Mom. They were very serious about their donuts, and made them for all sorts of grocery and other retail stores in the area. They did not sell to the public, but did allow people to come in and purchase their donut mistakes - or "cripples" as they called them. That is not a very nice, or politically correct, term today. However, back then it was just how they referred to donuts which were considered to be "seconds" (not first choice).

Those were the donuts which did not quite make the grade - something was wrong with them, and they were not considered suitable for selling to the public at large. But for a considerable discount, anyone could buy a big ol’ box of them. The secret was timing the visit to obtain the best type of rejected donuts they had (chocolate was always very popular).

I often see myself as comparable to a rejected donut - and that’s not just referring to my shape, mind you (hey, round is a shape!). No, it’s that I perceive there is something wrong with me - that I just don’t quite make the grade. The greater majority of all of the other donuts (aka: people) that I know are top shelf, first grade. Whereas I see myself as analogous to a leftover second reject.

For someone who is fairly blind (for whatever reason) to what I can plainly see in the mirror everyday -- they may happily conclude that I am okay, with perhaps some weirdness issues (as everyone seems to have).

For myself, I see a discounted misshapen donut with missing or deformed icing - and notice all the irregular bumps and cracks. I know that I can fit myself into society to a certain extent - but I do not believe that I really belong there. I do not believe that I can truly be of service to others. I do not believe I am worthy to be the recipient of service. I do not really believe others when they give me compliments. And I do not believe I deserve to be anything more than what I am... a crippled defective person (who sometimes tries to cover her, oh so obvious, faults with attempts at humor).

Currently I am working on my sad excuse for a self image, but I am certain it is going to take a very long time to alter my point of view. With lots of prayer, proper counseling, and seeking insights from good books... maybe, perchance, conceivably, in the realm of possibility... (step away from the thesaurus!)

Right now I certainly lack faith in believing I will overcome this - but hold onto the hope that eventually I will. How much does my point of view affect and influence ongoing periods and episodes of serious depression? How much does the depression affect my self image? I am not convinced it is a "which came first, chicken or the egg" type scenario -- but more of a symbiotic growth, which needs a good vaccine!