Trust

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
- Goethe

I must have been around 16 or 17-years old, and borrowed the family car to go to the local movie theater with a neighborhood friend. My Dad explicitly told me the conditions for borrowing the car - I was to drive to the theater and back, with no “side trips”. Instead, after the movie my friend and I decided to drive to the neighboring town for an ice cream treat - before heading back home. She and I had a great time, and really were not late in getting back home... so no problem, right? Little did I know that my Dad had gassed up the car earlier that very evening, and had the odometer reading recorded (keeping detailed vehicle records like he always did). I was duly informed the next day that I would not be allowed to borrow the car again, until I had earned back my parent’s trust. I had not followed through with my part of the bargain, and didn’t even bother to inform my parents what I had done - resulting in the loss of trust.

Trust is a principle I have really pondered about lately. Trust in God, trust in other people, and especially trust in myself. It is difficult for me to trust in my own thoughts and feelings. This comes after many years of thought betrayal and distortion - due to the clouds of depression.

In the past I have been completely convinced of something, only to discover through study and therapy the distorted untruthfulness. This is one area where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can really help... to wade through the distorted thoughts and finally discover the truth. It has been a struggle to trust my own feelings and thoughts - not really believing that I have earned the right to trust myself again.

I have recently been praying for help with a certain decision, and have experienced feelings (positive and negative) regarding each path to take. Yet even with positive feedback of one choice, over the negative of another... I still looked for confirmation from a source outside myself.

Not trusting in my own feelings, I counseled with my Bishop (congregation faith leader). I explained to him what the choices were, and how I was searching for an answer to my prayers. In talking with him about the positive and negative feelings I had experienced - he kindly informed me that these feelings were the answer to my prayers.

This has been a wakeup call. Recognizing that lack of trust in myself - was in actuality an expression of lack of faith or trust in the Lord. When I can trust again in my own thoughts and beliefs - then I am ready and available to honestly and openly put my faith in the Lord, and trust in the guidance He so willingly offers.

Am I ready and able to start trusting myself? I certainly hope so!