Cancer

There is no easy way to put this, so I will just simply say it... I have cancer. It can be very a virulent and debilitating disease - with no sure outcome.

What are the first thoughts upon hearing the word, "cancer"? Probably something along the lines of... cancer is a horrible physical and painful disease, which needs immediate treatment by professionally trained clinicians!! Get thee to a doctor, post haste!!

Not all cancer needs, nor receives, the exact same treatment. Each instance of cancer is fully unique to the carrier and their specific circumstances. There are a multitude of methods to treat cancer; it is never a "one chemo, or radiation, therapy fits all" disease. The type and intensity of therapy is ultimately jointly decided upon between a clinician and the patient.

Ah, but there are always the inevitable non-clinician and non-trained people in life - who have had a form of cancer in the past - and out of sincere empathy offer to others their "golden solution" and "cure" for this disease. A promised cure can be had, if it is truly desired. It worked for them, so it will surely work for others too.

What they apparently do not fully understand is that everyone's cancer, though seemingly similar on the surface, is totally unique and individualized on a cellular level. Therapy and actions which completely eliminate the disease for one, may never be fully efficacious for another.

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Okay okay, please don’t have a heart attack! I do not really have "cancer". But I do have clinical depression - for which I substituted the word "cancer" in the above scenario (sorry if I scared you, honest). Doing this simple word-switch makes a difference in how an illness is viewed and reacted to. In reality both cancer and depression have levels of seriousness and severity, which should be dealt with in an appropriate and individualized manner. Plus there is always the possibility or hope of a remission.

I have gone in and out of clinical depression "remission" a number of times over the past 30+ years. Through a lifetime of experiences with my specific type of depression, I instinctively have grown to know what will work best for me in certain situations.

A couple of weeks ago, I was once again faced with the devastating thoughts of how easy suicide would be - and how it would provide a release from the unspeakable pain that depression brings. I knew that I would not act on these thoughts, just as I had not acted on similar thoughts in the past. But that does not lessen the intensity or reality in any way.

I suppose the mistake I made this time was attempting to reach out to certain people for desired support. This is something I have not really done in the past - pretty much keeping the full truth of such dark thoughts to myself. From some dear friends there was understanding in a "been there" way, accompanied by sincere sweet words of comfort which really did help in the moment (thank you my friend for your timely IM words that night).

For others there was more of the knee-jerk scared angry reaction of "how dare you give into temptation and entertain such thoughts... you know better than that". I understand that the cruel inflections and words spoken in the heat of the moment (purely based on own personal thoughts and past experiences), were given with a measure of love. A "golden solution" and "cure" was being offered, because it worked for them so certainly it must work for others too.

This dichotomy of reactions were confusing to say the least... leaving me not knowing exactly what to think, whom to ever again trust with personal thoughts, or which direction to turn. When confronted by such feelings, I did what I always try to do - turn to words of wisdom from the scriptures, and inspired leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Taking guiding insightful thoughts from my clinical counselor into my search, I found these words of wisdom, comfort and help...

Our choice is in deciding whether to defy or succumb to temptation, not in whether to have the temptation itself. ~Ensign, Sept 2004

From this I understand that it isn’t so much that I have such temptations and thoughts, but my choices and actions subsequently taken are what really count.

When any unworthy desires press into your mind, fight them resist them, control them. The apostle Paul taught, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Cor 10:13).

That may be a struggle from which you will not be free in this life. If you do not act on temptations, you need feel no guilt. They may be extremely difficult to resist. But that is better than to yield and bring... unhappiness.  ~Boyd K. Packer

Sad to say, thoughts of suicide are not a new thing for me. I have had such thoughts for almost as long as I can remember - and I may always struggle at times with similar thoughts. It does not make me a bad or defective person because another's solution does not work - it just means that my type of depression does not originate from the same source. At first glance depression can appear as similar on the surface, but is vastly different in nature and needed actions or treatment.

I know from previous experience with dark thoughts that I need to separate myself from the "temptations" - doing that helps me resist and control thoughts. In the past I have had to physically remove myself from certain situations - stepping back from the precipice so to speak. This time I physically removed things in my home, rather than removing myself. Leftover pain medications, from a previous surgery, were promptly and properly disposed of. A handgun, with ammunition, was placed in a secured safe-type lock-box, and the keys given to a good friend. Out of sight, out of reach, out of mind was the motto of the day.

I felt so much better after taking these simple steps, like a dark weight had been removed from my shoulders. Also, being able to meet again with a trained counselor to discuss certain thoughts and feelings has really helped too. How fortunate and blessed among people I am to be given necessary strength and counsel from professional and understanding loved ones when I need it the most.

When people ask me, "what can I do to help?" - my only answer is to just continue as a friend, and don't run away... because depression is not a communicable disease.

Vortex

"Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. " ~Michael Corleone, Godfather III

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Depression can be very much like the mafia. When you think you're making progress, and life can once again possibly be filled with some bit of color and sunshine - you get pulled back into the black vortex of depression. You begin to believe that this is just the way that life is, that there is no escape - and you'd just better get used to it.

But I have faith. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1

Faith that somehow, someday, I can overcome depression's tightfisted hold. Faith that I need to be patient, as my desired timing may not be God's timing. Faith that there is a better and brighter everyday future ahead somewhere.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." ~Psalms 23:4

Even when I walk through this valley of shadows and mists, I must not fear the now. But look with faith to the future. A future when all will be made right in my little world. Without this faith, I have no hope. When all hope is lost, then your life is indeed dark and totally without purpose. I choose to hope, I choose to have faith.

And as I say these things, there is still a part of me that doesn't fully believe it. Such is the power of the vortex darkness - and it is not easily overcome. To tell someone with depression to "snap out of it" - is tantamount to telling a blind person to "just look harder" and they'll see it. It is not a path I would choose to be on, but it is the path I must walk (like it or not).

Spaghetti parable

The first food spillage on my new carpet happened the other day. Like that first ding on a brand new dream car, or a tear in your favorite jacket - it can be a traumatic experience. And of course it had to be spaghetti, oh dear!!

Everything happened in such perceived slow motion - but obviously not slowly enough to have sufficient time for grabbing the plate. It was a heart stopping moment as I watched it plop on the floor.

There it was - pasta with tomato sauce oozing into the carpet fibers. A red stain already in process before I could get the mess shoved back onto the plate. Grabbing paper towels and clorox wipes, I was able to lift off most of the sauce from the carpet. Each towel and wipe used so briefly before grabbing a fresh one - and each one in turn immediately transforming from pristine white to red.

Hoping there was carpet cleaner in the broom closet - I yanked open the door. And there it was, a gleaming never before used can of carpet cleaner! I hastily read the instructions, and followed them as best I could. I dare anyone to find the mishap spot now!!

As I thought back on this event, I have reflected on how there are parallels to repentance and the atonement of Jesus Christ. The process of repentance is analogous to my trying to use paper towels and wipes in cleaning up the mess. There was a small degree of success, and it was certainly much better than immediately after the spillage. However, to be fully successful required the cleaning power contained in the can of cleaner. It was that which truly lifted the stain, and restored the beauty of the carpet.

In life we can do all that is within our own power and abilities to repent from our mistakes. But it is only through the power of the atonement - given us with eternal love by sacrifice of Jesus Christ - that we can fully clean and lift the stains from our body and soul.

...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. ~Isaiah 1:18

How grateful I am for the blessed gift of the atonement in my life. Without this, I could never with my own efforts alone be able to clean away my sins sufficiently to once again stand in the presence of my Heavenly Father. It is my greatest desire to again be enfolded in His loving arms, and to hear Him say... "Welcome home, daughter."

April showers

Recently I read about someone who had a brain tumor. They were told that there was high risk involved with surgery, and the outcome could not be guaranteed. On the other hand, if no surgery was done - then death would come in a few short months. The person opted for surgery and is doing well now.

I sat and pondered this scenario for several minutes before coming to the stark conclusion that, faced with a similar situation, I would totally forgo surgery. I think this must be one reason why I have been given relatively good physical health, when compared to others that is. Oh how easy it would be to just let nature take its course, and offer a fairly quick sweet release from living in hades (for that is how I often view this mortal realm). Apparently someone has a reason for my still being here - I just wish I knew what the heck it is.

If you have read some of my past blog postings, you will know that I have gone in and out of clinical depression since I was a teenager. If I tell you that this year I will turn 46 - perhaps it will give you an idea how long of a battle it has been. Sometimes I just get so tired of swimming against the strong current of depression. Looking back, this time last year was by far the most intense and darkest episode of depression I have ever experienced. I am in a better place now than I was then, thanks to counseling and medication - both things for which I am grateful. But being in a better place does not mean the depression is gone - just tempered.

With quickly approaching anniversaries containing painful reminders - I worry about memories triggering a descent into darkness once again...

• May 8 - Mother's day
  (my Mom is gone - I am not, nor will I ever be, a Mom)
• May 15 - Mom's birthday
  (she would have been 77 this year)
• May 19, 2006 - Dad's death day
  (five years ago this year)
• May 20, 2002 - Mom's death day
  (my parents died four years, and one day apart)
• May 30 - Memorial day
  (a day to remember the dead)

So far so good, no severe depression events or serious suicidal thoughts, But I do really want to either run away (and not stop) - or just sleep through everything (which is itself a form of running away). It has not been a good week (and it is not even close to being over).

One bright spot is that I have hired someone to take care of my yard work for me this summer. I have zero motivation to work in my ugly yard this year (not even planning on a veggie garden either). The cost will be so worth it, even if it means I'll be eating ramen or oatmeal for a few months to help pay for it ;-)

Well, it's getting close to midnight, and I'm finally tired enough that I can quickly fall asleep. Lately I've been staying up late to tire myself out - which seems to be a better alternative to laying in bed letting my thoughts drift around before finally falling asleep. I still wake up about the same time every morning (darn internal alarm clock) - and I've never been a morning person. So watch out! I'm sleep deprived and cranky... approach with caution!

Here and now

"Oh, that I could have had my days in the days when my father Nephi first came out of the land of Jerusalem... Yea, if my days could have been in those days, then would my soul have had joy..." ~Helaman 7:7-8

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I often wonder why I was born at this time, and in this place. Oh that I could have had my days in a different era or location. Wouldn't life have been easier there and then?  But a small voice inside tells me, it would not really be a challenge to live somewhere or somewhen else. That in the here and now is where I belong - and it is here and now where I will learn the specific lessons necessary for my progression.

Why then do I often just want to run away, sometimes by any means possible? To shed this here and now - and escape to there and then (future or past, it doesn't really matter). In that day, or in that place, my soul would have joy. I perceive it to be an easier time and place in which to live - but would it really?

Then my thoughts turn to wondering why I haven't been given the gift to leave this painful mortal existence behind? It always comes back to the fact that apparently God wants me in the here and now for some reason - and that I should be grateful for what I have - not looking at what might be a possibility given that choice. Perhaps I did have a choice, and as a result of a decision made before, I find myself here and now.

Here - now - there - then - time - space - future - past... each aspect so intimately connected in a way, and yet completely separate. Navigating through it all is so overwhelming. Where's my ostrich hole when I need it? I want to burry my head and somehow escape.

Dust and Chaos

As you may, or may not know, much of my home has recently been in a remodel phase of its lifespan. Chaos, construction dust, and restaurant food are words which help describe this latest adventure.

The chaos has settled down… somewhat. The pervasive dust is still in process of being hunted down and duly eliminated. I have been on a quest to put dust, and all such creatures associated with it (i.e. dust bunnies), on the endangered species list. (Please do not contact the ASPCA or local Humane Society… no real animals have been hurt in the process of cleaning).

I have found being able to once again use my kitchen for something other than a bedroom - is actually enjoyable. A 2+ month hiatus from cooking has proved to be educational to say the least. Here are some things I discovered…

• Restaurant take-away food can be quite expen$ive - and fattening!!
• With a limited amount of restaurants in my area - I am quite sick of all of them by now
• Microwave warmed-up restaurant food gets real old real fast
• Eating leftover delivery pizza for days on end will drive your taste buds insane

Surprisingly, preparing food at home can be relaxing in a way - and delicious (even if it is being done by a low rate amateur, such as myself). Let's just say that Food Network worthy I am not! Pretty sure there will still be those times when I’d rather just have cold cereal for dinner, or go hungry - than to put forth the time and effort to cook for just one person.

ugly food photo
shamelessly stolen from the internet

However, one good thing about being single and living alone - I am the only one who has to suffer from my culinary attempts. That is unless you dare to come over for dinner!!  I’ll cook something fabulously mysterious - betcha I won't even know what it is!!

Conflicting thoughts

I have been struggling over the past few days - dealing with conflicting thoughts, and some degree of guilt. Wondering if I am somehow lacking in the basics of love or charity for a certain someone? Or is it a health (mental & physical) self preservation reaction?

I came home the other day to see a phone number on my caller ID. When I saw who had called, I immediately got a stomach ache and tightness in my chest. It was very close to having an all out anxiety or panic attack - I truly did not wish to speak to this person. The thought crossed my mind, and there was an honest desire, for this person to somehow just go away. And no, I did not call them back.

Talk about split personalities! A part of me knows that I have done what I can regarding a relationship with this person (to no perceivable avail) - and that I should step back and leave this person in God's hands to take care of. Another part feels that perhaps I should walk that second mile. Then there is yet another part that reminds me I really have already done that, and even more.

It is very draining to have any level of relationship with a person who consistently criticizes anything and everything about me and my actions or decisions that they can possibly find. I call people like this "energy suckers" - those who do not give on any emotional level, but are constantly taking.

I suppose I am in a way seeking permission - or at least a confirmation to know for sure - that it is okay to separate myself from further contact with this person. I know it would be in my best interest to do so, but it is a very difficult decision to make.

Perhaps I should mention that this person is my one and only sibling, my only living immediate family member. Someone with whom I have never to my knowledge ever been able to relate with (no pun intended). We are complete opposites, having made totally different life choices. This is someone with whom I have pretty much nothing but DNA in common with.

Dreaming

I grew up in the era of television shows like Bewitched, and I Dream of Jeanie (of the two, Bewitched was my favorite of course. Samantha had a few more brain cells than Jeanie ever did). In my mind, how exciting it would be to possess magical powers. Chores and homework would be a thing of the past! But try as I might, no amount of nose twitching or eye blinking could produce any semblance of magic (much to my youthful dismay).

As I grew older, my fantasies took a more technological turn - which seemed to be somewhat more realistic in nature. Perhaps I could become better, stronger, faster... yup I envisioned being the next Bionic Woman! After that came dreams of transporters and replicators from Star Trek (actually I still dream about those two items sometimes).

I suppose you could say that when I was growing up, I wasn't satisfied with my plodding little life - with the grass certainly greener on the other side of the fence (well, on the other side of the television screen).

In reality, true magic comes from developing relationships with others - not from blinking or twitching. Perhaps someday there will be bionics or transporters as viewed on television. Until then and after that time, there is the wondrous journey from here to there and back again with friends and family to provide much needed love and support. Can't get that from a machine!

Dreams are important. It is the dream of accomplishing something that can inspire me to achieve what was thought to be impossible. Goals are not completed in the blink of an eye, or twitch of a nose. It is the journey - with all the tiring efforts, failures and skinned knees along the way - that provide a fulfillment of dreams. Even fulfilling dreams I never before considered, and now cannot envision living without.

Surviving the waves and currents

Many years ago, in what seems like another lifetime, I lived fairly close to the Pacific Ocean for about five years. In order to more fully enjoy the beauty of the ocean, I became a certified scuba diver. Along with a written test, a big part of the training class was learning basic scuba skills in a swimming pool - prior to traveling to the ocean for open water certification.

We were required to learn how to...

• Clear our masks of water, while sitting at the bottom of the pool. 
• Swim 200-yards wearing a snorkel and fins (not too difficult). 
• Swim 50-yards underwater without coming up for a breath of air (a bit more difficult, took me two tries). 
• Lastly was the requirement to tread water for a full 10-minutes with no support (no hanging onto anything or anyone). 

This last test was easy at first, but as time went on it became very tiring and increasingly difficult to stay afloat. All this was accomplished in the relative safety of a quiet swimming pool.

Now imagine yourself in the ocean with underwater currents, and waves that can push and pull you in many directions. Not to mention dangerous storms; decompression sickness (the bends); possible embolism; being tangled, injured or trapped in underwater vegetation or rock formations; running out of oxygen; or having encounters with dangerous sea creatures. It can be quite easy to injure, or even kill yourself while scuba diving - thus the need for training, and the ever present caution to never dive alone - to always have a dive partner. It is the job of each person to keep an eye on their partner, and be there to help in the event something happens.

Life is very similar to scuba diving - constantly being pushed and pulled in different directions, with a multitude of dangers all around. Our life training manual is contained in the scriptures, and we will all have frequent tests.

Right now I have run out of oxygen, and am desperately trying to keep my head above the surface by unendingly treading water. There are many times when I just get so tired of fighting the waves and currents and want to give up - to silently sink below the darkened surface of the water.

But I have a partner, someone who won’t ever give up on trying to help me. He has a constant eye on me, and allows me to hold onto Him when I am ready to surrender to the darkness. He is able to buoy me up and give me moments of peace and rest. Who better to help me eventually make it to the safety of the shore, than He who once walked on water? My problem is that I frequently tend to rely on the arm of flesh, floundering desperately under my own power to stay afloat - and often fail to reach out to Him who is always ready to save.

In a previous post I mentioned girding on armor and having a ready battle plan for fighting the mists of depression’s darkness that plague my everyday life. Trust me, when in the depths of the ocean, wearing heavy armor isn't such a good idea. Unless said armor is the buoyant whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:11-14).

Now it is a matter of finding His superior armor amongst all the clutter and debries in my brain and life. To put it to good use, and set aside the arm of flesh (reliance on myself, who am truly imperfect) - and always remember to reach out to Him who is perfect, He who saves.

Storm on the horizon

It was the summer of 1977, and I was 12-years-old. My Aunt JoAnn wanted to take three of her children on a road trip to see some LDS church history sites in Illinois and Missouri - but she only had 4 or 5 days total vacation time to drive there and back. Two of my cousins are within six months to a year of my age, and knowing it would be a fabulous experience for me - my Mom convinced my aunt to take me with them on the whirlwind car trip.

My aunt and an older cousin did all the driving - going straight through that first night - the next morning I woke up somewhere in Nebraska. It was the first time I had ever been where there were no mountains to be seen anywhere - just a huge empty sky and unending flatness. I remember feeling uncomfortable, and a bit frightened. I wanted to return home to the safety and protection of my mountain valley - to escape that vast nothingness. It wasn’t at all familiar to me, and I really didn’t feel like I belonged there.

This event of long ago was brought to remembrance last night as I pondered the reasons why I almost seem willing in a way, to slide back into depression when given an opportunity. It came to my mind that the darkness of depression had become a familiar place to me - a place where I have lived so much of my life (decades really). Leaving that state of being behind, now living in this new world of light and color seems almost strange, at times uncomfortable and a bit frightening. This is going to sound weird, but it is almost like a "homesickness" in a way. As miserable as it was (and is) to be in that darkened depressing world, at least it is a very familiar place for me. Better the devil you know kind of thing.

Now that I can better see this behavior trait, I am aware of the need to work harder on accepting this new state of being as my real home - to become familiar and comfortable in a world of light and color. I need to be more aware and better notice when the mists of darkness appear on the horizon. I can sometimes in advance see or feel it coming. That is then the time to gird on my armor, and have a ready battle plan on how to move out of the storm’s path - rather than allow it to engulf me.

I am quite certain this will not be an easy thing to do - but then nothing this past year so full of changes in thoughts, perceptions and attitudes has been easy. The Lord never said life would be easy, just that it would be worth it. I still have a long journey ahead of me - so if you see me sliding unawares back into the darkness... shout out your best sounding battle cry to help me remember to come in from the storm!!