Magic wand

It has taken a great deal of faith and effort to open myself up by writing about a life-long battle with clinical depression. I am feeling quite vulnerable by doing this, but for me it is a step towards healing - and not a desire for sympathy from others, only that of understanding.

I have heard of clinical depression being compared to the "magic wand" scenario. Imagine yourself laying on a sofa, completely weighted down with a tremendous heavy burden that leaves you totally unable to move. A mere 10-feet away on a table is a magic wand, which with one simple wave will banish the burden and restore you to health. You truly want to take hold of that wand and give it a wave - but the mere thought of moving to do that is too overwhelming. You are completely unable to get yourself off the sofa.

The apparent simplicity of this scenario is one reason why non-clinically depressed people can find it difficult to understand or relate. Why would someone not be able to move just a few feet to grab the wand - knowing that it will help? Clinical depression is that which keeps you weighted down on the sofa and unable to move. In reality there is no "magic wand" - only hard work, perseverance, prayer, counseling, and in many cases medical prescriptions.

I have been able to mask depression in my life, to hide the problem from other people, and myself. I can be "on" when it is expected, and then have a complete shut-down later that same day. Sometimes it can take every ounce of willpower to just do elementary things like get dressed, go to work / church, or even simply pick up the phone to make a call. I am not sure why it is called "depression" - that evokes thoughts of a dip in the road or something else quite harmless. You feel that you are somehow broken and unable to make decisions, even when it is a choice between two good things. Depression is not a choice - one cannot just "get over it" by going shopping, seeing a movie, going to dinner with friends, or taking a long walk. It is not the same as sadness, which everyone experiences, and relatively quickly can rise above it again.

Depression can entrap a person and cause them to languish in darkness anywhere from hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. I have literally had years of feeling fine and functioning normally. And then with no warning, I again find myself spiraling into cloudy darkness - and start to think that the absence of light is now "normal". That this is just something to be endured, to suffer through, and pray to not yield to the dark thoughts - for they can take you places you do not wish to go.

Maybe in another blog posting I will talk about how clinical depression can have a huge impact on how you view your relationship with God, and other people. But I think this is enough for today.