Mourning

The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God! 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

---

The month of May was, and is, a month of mourning for me. Both of my parents passed away in May (four years and one day apart) - my Mom's birthday - and of course there's also Mother's Day.

However this year I not only experienced grief and mourning remembering the loss of loved ones, but also found myself mourning the loss of what my life "might" have been, had certain things never happened.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There is fear that accompanies facing happenings so long ago and so many decades now denied, but which were real. It cannot be disputed that what I am today is a result of all that has occurred and has been experienced in life - both the good and the bad.

At this point in time I have embarked on a journey of discovery and learning - with this particular challenge being one I would never wish on anyone. Yet in the end I have HOPE and FAITH that healing will come. This is my faith that the only true healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ - which also covers much more than repentance and forgiveness.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-12)

It is my burden to bear - to learn from, to heal from, and to progress. But I am grateful that with the Savior I do not carry the load nor walk the path alone.

Grateful for loving friends - whom I truly do not wish for them to shoulder any of the pain - but do thank them for listening at times (and for giving hugs!).

I am also grateful for the wisdom and guidance imparted to me from exceptional counseling and inspired ecclesiastical leaders.

Last, but never least, I am grateful for the love, support, courage, and example of faith given to me by my parents. Even though they are no longer physically with me, I will always hold them close in my heart.

Healing

The Lord's Healing is

Complete Healing

so grateful for...

my inspired counselor

wisdom found in the gospel

guidance and tender mercies from God

P.S.

if you enjoyed this short video excerpt, 

you should watch the entire 55-minute presentation

http://www.byutv.org/watch/76dec84f-0d69-4f60-90fd-38cc41bb51aa#!page=3&season=2008

If roses grow

Missing my Mom...

Sherril Burke Thompson

born: May 15, 1934

died: May 20, 2002

Cave fear

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek
~ Joseph Campbell

---

Sometime when I was around age 7 or 8, my family hiked the long trail to Timpanogos Cave. Mom, much wiser than I (as always), carried a sweater for me all the way to the cave entrance. It was a hot summer day, and in my youthful ignorance thought she was crazy to do that. Oh how wrong I was, and how grateful for the sweater once we entered the cool cave environs.

The national park ranger guide gathered everyone well inside the cave interior, shut the door, and told a brief history of the cave's discovery. I remember he had a flashlight, and there was electric lighting in the cave as well. After a few minutes walking deeper into the cave, and wanting to give us the full cave experience, all lights were turned off for what seemed like forever (but was probably only a minute). It was something I had never experienced before... complete and utter darkness. Even holding a hand in front of my face as suggested by the guide, and wiggling my fingers, I could see nothing.

Finally the guide turned on his flashlight and finished the history lesson before turning back on the electrical lighting. Even that seemingly small bit of light from a hand-held flashlight was a most welcome relief from the absolute darkness. That experience with complete physical darkness gave me such an appreciation for light. As I have grown older it is not just physical light, but also mental and spiritual light that I have learned to value and cherish. Freely do I admit that I am afraid to step forward into the darkness, not being able to see what is ahead.

The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning... You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you. (Boyd K. Packer, The Edge of Light)

Right now I am wading through the midst of a life trial that requires confronting a darkness which I can either allow to crush, or to strengthen. But I have with me a flashlight powered by faith and hope in God; love and support of dear friends; and experienced guidance from a counselor. The cave I fear to enter is one I have already passed through, and emerged a survivor. This time the journey is one of healing from what was, what ensued, moving on to what is meant to be.

Creation

And now for a little something on the lighter side of life... because we all need to smile every now and then.

*****************************************************
(author unknown)

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Obama Health Care System. Amen.

Welcome home

cracked and broken
shattered on the inside
bandage on the out

obscured view haunted by unknown
pained and frightened
faltering sinking into darkness

make it go away please
teach me a different way please
help me escape please

dearest child

it is for but a small moment

thou wilt emerge triumphant
stronger on the other side

the entire journey thou art
cradled in the palm of my hand
for I have graven thee there

sing the song of redeeming joy

free from pain at last
welcome home

Yearning

tonight I am afraid

nervous
wondering
anxious

worried

what will emerge from the dark?

not certain I can cope
alone

yearning for
peace
comfort

love of parents

grandparents

ancestors before them

family

please come
be with me

Journaling gratitude (random 5 friday)

Went to my first appointment Thursday this week with a new counselor. She is awesome, and I am looking forward to ..... well, looking forward to looking forward again!

She is not there to wave a magic wand, or somehow "fix" my brokenness (this is real life, not fiction). But to offer guidance pointing me in the right direction, along with a lot of work on my part. This is what will lead me to achieve healing from depression.

To that end I received homework assignments. One being to maintain a "gratitude journal" - where I am to write down at least three things a day that I am grateful for. Accomplishing this means stepping out of my comfort zone. Okay I admit, it's not "comfortable" living my life in depression. It is in fact Hades on earth. But it is also what I know and am familiar with. So here's to the discomfort that change can bring! Woo hoo... I'm scared! So decided to use my blog to kick off this new beginning. And of course since today is Random 5 Friday, here are five (not three) things I am grateful for.

1. That I was the last counseling appointment scheduled for the day. We went overtime (by quite a bit), and she offered to me the tender mercy and gift of her time.
2. For only needing to write five things - because this is way harder to do than I thought it would be!!
3. My home. It needs some updating (and a lot of cleaning / decluttering), but keeps me safe, warm and sheltered.
4. People who read my blog, even though I personally know only a few of you. Still, seeing the number count of visits go up somehow gives me a sense of belonging... for someone cared enough to read my words and thoughts.
5. Last, but certainly never least, gratitude in my everything for the so freely given supreme gift of the Savior's atonement. Without this I would never have a chance to ever return home someday and live with my Father in Heaven.

Think that was easy for me to do? No it was not!! But I do feel much better now. Thank you for visiting today, let's do it again soon okay?!!

Thank you Nancy at A Rural Journal
for the opportunity to participate in...

Fourth watch

Looking forward to starting yet another round of counseling for depression... this week! It is time to learn (and re-learn) skills to help combat the darkness of depression - and hopefully find all the missing brain puzzle pieces to put them back together.

Decided this time to see a person who's practice focuses on Christ Centered Healing from depression. I have a deep love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and know that He has the power to heal. But it won't come without effort on my part.

As mentioned so many times in the Bible... belief, faith, and action are part of healing miracles. Here are only a few examples:

• The woman with an issue of blood had to reach out to touch the hem of His robe. 
• The 10 lepers had to ask to be healed - then "as they went" (when commanded to show themselves to the priests), only then did the cleansing occur. 
• Friends of a man, sick with palsy, "uncovered the roof... and let down the bed" so that Christ could heal him.

So it is even today... faith and action come before healing. How long might it take? There is no clear definitive answer to that question. It doesn't matter, because my God is a "fourth watch" God. It is in the New Testament, (Mark 6:45-51), that we read... "And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them"

Christ waited and watched the apostles on the Sea of Galilee, saw them struggling with their boat in the wind all through the night. However it wasn't until just before dawn did He come to them, walking on the water. Sometimes God comes in the first, second, or even third watch of the night. But there are also times when He closely watches and waits until the "fourth watch". It is my firm belief and testimony that He will come, after my faith is tested and strengthened.

Metal is strengthened through tempering by being thrust into a fiery furnace - so too people gain strength by passing through the flames of trials. God has the power to deliver me from the black furnace of depression... but if not, I will still hold close and dear my faith in Him. For I know that my ways are not His ways - and my timing is not His timing. It may not happen until the "fourth watch" of night, but it will happen.

true confession... 

the concept of a "fourth watch God" came from reading this book some time ago

When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered, by S. Michael Wilcox

think I need to read it again, it was soooo good!!

How do you know?

How do you know you’re depressed?

Not certain people in general know how to tell the difference between depression and sadness. It’s fairly simple: sadness doesn't last and people can fairly quickly recover from it. Depression is much deeper, lasts longer, and is more detrimental to one’s health and well-being.

To help with this, here’s a list I have compiled from a lot of reading, making notes, and reviewing numerous checklists, inventories, and observations of depression. These type of tools are often used in counseling or clinical settings to evaluate the level of depression a person is experiencing to better guide treatment.

Please know that depression is not a given, nor is it diagnosed, if you have “ever” felt or thought these things. Pretty much everyone has at one point or another. The diagnosis of depression is based on the level of intensity and frequency these thoughts and feelings are part of daily life. One could say the mind of a person with depression is constantly bombarded and cluttered with sad or negative thoughts, none of which are easily dismissed.

These are not listed in any particular order.

• Persistently sad, anxious or feelings of emptiness.
• Feelings of helplessness about the future.
• Restlessness, agitation, or irritable all the time.
• Pessimistic and hopeless - don’t expect things to work out.
• Worthlessness or feelings of failure as a person.
• Low self-esteem and very self-critical.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in things, people or activities once enjoyed.
• Thoughts about or wishes of hurting yourself, death or suicide.
• Cry all the time - or have reached the point where you just can’t cry, even though you want to.
• Indecisive and struggle making decisions anymore.
• Feelings of the brain being in a fog or disorganized all the time.
• Difficulties concentrating, thinking straight, or focusing on anything for very long.
• Appetite and/or weight has changed.
• Changes in sleeping patterns. Sleeping less (insomnia), or sleeping a lot more than usual.
• Tiredness, fatigue, or decreased energy. Unable to do even simple tasks like you used to, so start procrastinating.
• Body actions feel slowed down - speech, walk, and movements.
• Lack of caring about most things - including appearance or living conditions.
• Feelings you are being punished for something you have done.
• Disappointment, dislike, even hatred of self.
• Socially withdrawn and/or isolated. Feeling “unplugged” and experience inordinate difficulty making small talk.
• Family history of depression.