Butler and a Corgie

I should have a Butler, and a purebred Corgie dog - just like the Queen of England!! It all goes with my new image of being... snooty! Yes I said snooty!! (aka: arrogant, conceited, snobbish).

It all started a week or so ago when I changed my home and car insurance. In the process also obtaining a separate, and much more robust, earthquake coverage policy - which is underwritten by none other than... Lloyd's of London!! (ooooh - aahhhh)

For me the images associated with that phrase... Lloyd's of London... bring to mind a company that has been around for centuries (started in the 1600's) - and does not concern itself with the common or working-class. (Are you using your best royal English accent while reading this? If not then immediately return to the top and start again!!)

Therefore it should correlate that being insured by Lloyd's of London means I ought no longer entertain thoughts of being a plebeian commoner - but of upper-crust aristocratic blue-blood!! Correct?

ENHHH... wrong answer! (in case you are wondering, that is supposed to be a buzzer sound). Actually Lloyd's of London does do business with the masses and undistinguished. In the immortal words of a simple sailor... "I yam what I yam, Toot Toot!!" ... and that would be simple plain Jane me. But even Janes can still dream about butlers and corgies!

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postscript:
a few days ago I wrote most of a post for my blog, and saved it as a draft. Yeah it's going to stay a draft indefinitely. Why you ask? Well... I know that I write a lot about dealing with depression on this blog - it helps me to "talk" about it. But re-reading this draft was making me even more depressed (hard to believe, but yeah) - and I can't find it within to publish. So instead this is what you get (and hopefully it is found to be more entertaining, something needed in many lives - including my own).

Life Top 10

Let's see if I can catch up on my blog... considering that I have been most neglectful the past few days - weeks - make that a month now!! Nothing terribly exciting happening... which is fairly normal for my humdrum existence! Here are the top 10 highlights for the month!!

1. Yes, I am still proceeding forward with my diet lifestyle change... and have lost a total of 31 pounds now, leaving only 86 more pounds to drop!!
   
2. Attempted to plant some perennial flowers in my front yard yesterday. Hopefully these will actually survive my sad plant growing attempts (did I mention that I have a black thumb?)
   
3. Fertilized my front and backyard lawns (probably a little late getting that done - darn that black thumb).
   
4. Discovered that popcorn really does grow on apricot trees. My tree is in full bloom... too bad I am getting rid of it this year - not really so bad, I hate apricots!! (sorry Mom & Dad)
   
5. Thought I had dug up all of the crocus flower bulbs prior to laying sod in a certain part of my yard a few years ago. Surprise surprise... there are three pretty flowers beautifying that part of my lawn!! Guess I can grow some flowers - just need to attempt to destroy them - then forget and neglect!! Crocus must have powers that supersede black thumb powers (something to remember).
   
6. Cleaned my bathroom. Only took me an entire day to get it done. Not that the room is very large - nor was it exceptionally dirty... just that I was finding it a difficult thing to do on such a nice Friday off work (some "vacation" day, huh?).
   
7. Have one of those bagless vacuum cleaners. Decided to finally read the directions regarding the filter. Says to rinse the filter fairly frequently - and let totally air dry before putting back together. Discovered it can take more than a day to get it to dry - finally ended up putting it outside in the sun yesterday. Carpets still need to be vacuumed!
   
8. Am looking to change insurance providers on my car and home - and also improve my earthquake coverage at the same time. Having experienced firsthand a 7.1 earthquake in October 1989... seen the extent of damage that can happen... I feel it is very important to have earthquake insurance on the home. It's not a matter of if... but when!!
   
9. This morning (before church) roasted a boneless turkey breast - my house still smells soooo good!!
   
10. Last, but not least... my nails are clipped, and bellybutton is free of lint!!

Now you are all caught up with my life. Aren't you glad you paused to read this?

P.S.

Did you honestly think that I could have a blog posting without once bringing up the dreaded word... depression? Yes, I have had periods of depression in the past few weeks... it is in those moments that I truly feel powerless... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My Bishop (congregation ecclesiastical leader) gave me a priesthood blessing a couple weeks ago. It helped a lot - just wish it would be a more permanent thing!

I find myself pulling away from people, both real and virtual - hence one reason for my bloglessness (is that a word? if not, then it is now!). But even when I am pulling away from others - I still find a need inside to reach out - to offer some bit of understanding and comfort to those I know are also dealing with depression hades.

I seem to be able to offer to them words of truth, comfort and faith that I am not always able to fully accept in my own life. It is a paradox wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma smothered in contradiction... (try saying that 5 times really fast!!).

Comfort zone

"Life for a depressed person can feel flat, lifeless, dark, overwhelming, like a series of failures, exhausting, enraging, joyless, terrifying, confusing, foggy, continually anxious, despairing, and purposeless. Additionally, the inner world of a depressed person may be pounded with relentless thoughts of self-doubt and self-criticism, and an inner, silent, primal scream that says, “Save me! I’m lost and it’s dark.” For many, at the heart of depression is a sense of disconnection from one’s sense of self, from God’s grace and love, from loved ones, and from the pleasures of life."
    ~~Darla Isackson

Does this sound familiar to you at all?
If so, then welcome to the world of depression!

In the article where I grabbed this paragraph from (see link below), the authors talk about being mindful - or "mindfulness". To be honest with you, I have never been comfortable with delving into the "touchy feely" side of things. I am so left brained and visually oriented - that at times it could be considered to be a handicap.

However, that being said, I am seriously considering attempting some of the exercises mentioned in the article. I would like to perform an empirical "experiment" (there's that left brain thinking again) - and see if it works for me or not.

I understand it can be good to get outside your comfort zone... we shall see about that!! There is within me a desire to change, a desire to believe, a desire of hope for something better... and so let the experiment begin! (whew... this could take some time, I'm sure!!)

Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression (part 4):
"Be Still and Know:" Changing the Internal View Through Breathing and "Mindfulness"

What if?

What if you woke up today... 
with only the things that you 
thanked God for yesterday?

• What if I never ever had to constantly deal with clinical depression?
• What if there was no such thing as anxiety?
• What if my parents were both still alive?
• What if I were married and had children?
• What if there was a "get-out-of-pain-free" card?
• What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
• What if hope came easily, and fear was non-existent?
• What if I'm just not good enough?
• What if my self portrait really is shades of dismal gray?
• What if I didn't feel like crying, and want to hide from everyone and everything?
  
  (like I have been hiding from posting on my blog for the past couple of weeks... not really wanting to face the world... not wanting to admit, even to myself, yet another slog through depression's quicksands)

What if? ... What if? ... What if??
There are so many "what ifs" in life - almost as many as there are "whys".

I don't have the answers to any of these questions (well, except maybe the one about the hokey pokey)... but I do know where those answers can be found. However that will require that I stop trusting in the "arm of flesh"... set aside my pride, fears, anxieties -- and replace them with a renewal of faith and trust. Not sure how I moved from that place of faith... but I want to go back there!!

"[Jesus Christ] knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us (see Luke 10:34)... the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all."

(Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, November 2006)

Where am I?

Have you ever felt lost, even in familiar surroundings? Well, I am losing myself a little bit at a time. Every single day there seems to be more and more of me getting "lost". Nope, not talking about my mind here (although some might question that statement)... I am in fact referring to my physical body!!

In the first seven days on my diet lifestyle plan - I lost a total of 11.5 pounds!! Yeah Baby!! My target goal is to drop the total equivalent weight of say... a large dog. Something perhaps along the lines of a large male Bernese Mountain Dog!! (for non-dog people that would be about 120 pounds!! ... don't be too impressed, I googled this little fact!!)

Until that oh so fascinating time... I am happy with my current weight loss - with more, much more, to come!!

If you ever decide to try this diet lifestyle plan for yourself (or maybe for a loved one)... let me know and I can set you up with an awesome health coach (who is not me -- lucky you)!!!

Am planning on posting periodic updates here on my blog... and someday will even post a photo of myself!! (did I hear someone say, "glamour shots", for pics??)

Futility

There are days when everything just seems so...

Futile and Pointless.

This is one of those days

So of course I post on my blog about it - even knowing that "this too shall pass" - 

and that life will get better at some as yet unknown point.

Until then...

Resistance is futile
Your life as it has been is over

Final meal

It is all for the "lesser" good!
    ~Messy Musings

Grease soaked paper bag, adds to the experience!! :D

Have you ever wondered what you would have for your “last supper”?? Considering the multitude of options... last night I had my final high-fat unhealthy meal as an overweight blob. Decided on Five Guys for a cheeseburger and fries... something I haven’t allowed myself to indulge in as often as I might have wanted to.

Amazingly enough, it wasn’t as good as I was anticipating. Just wasn’t as satisfying mentally (nor physically) as the same meal has been in the past. Probably because of changes I have been implementing in my life - especially over the past couple of years. First by starting to climb out of depression... and now it’s time to make some physical changes to compliment and help with that journey!!

This weekend marks the beginning steps for a new physical me... a 100+ pound lesser me!! Which is one “large” reason why there are no personal photos found on this blog (there’s just not enough space for one!!). They say a camera will add 10-pounds... I wonder just how many cameras are pointed at me when I look at photos of myself!! (ha ha ha - that's an old joke - even if it is true!)

After much looking, researching, talking with others, etc. etc. etc. ---- I have found a diet lifestyle plan I believe will finally work... for me!! (yay for Medifast!) Like anything worth having, it’s not going to be a miracle overnight success... will require commitment, dedication, work, and eyes kept on the eventual goal. I am excited to start this journey... in for a penny, in for a pound (lots of pounds!!).

Give me a few weeks to get going on the diet lifestyle change... then I’ll try to post some updates on how it is working!! Yes!! I have faith and hope this will work!! And who knows... maybe someday later this year I will finally post a photo of myself (you're either excited, or terrified at the prospect... and that's okay, so am I)!!

Exploring options

There are times when a blog post in my own words suffice... talking about personal experiences with depression.

Then there is a time when another's words are simply better!! This is one of those times! I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did!! As the author states:

The understanding of truth which flows from God is the understanding that heals, and God has been dispensing his truth through the minds of willing seekers in all cultures and all through history.
~Exploring Options for the Treatment of Depression

(p.s... this article was written with a background focused towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... but there is wisdom in here for everyone everywhere!)

Perspectives

The question is not what you look at, but what you see.
~Henry David Thoreau
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I know, I know... why do do my blog postings not stray very far away from the topic of living with depression? Because it is an every-day reality of my life, and perhaps also for yours (or someone you know and love). Today's topic is all about "perspectives" (hence the title of this post... I'm just so creative). Take a close look at this photo...

• What do you see? 
• Does the image make sense to you at all? 
• From what direction or "perspective" was the photo taken? 
• The photo is attempting to tell a story, but what is it? 
• Are you at all enlightened by its message?

The story of this photo is not easily understood, even by one who may live there. A beginning or ending point really is not found in the image. Could this have come from one of my underwater scuba diving adventures? Perhaps using your imagination, you can perceive some hidden sea life? There!!... did you see it?

Now take a look at this photo. Can you see the image of the previous photo anywhere in here? Yes, it is there... keep looking! I'll make it easy for you... it is an upside-down cut-out view of a portion of the large rock in the left foreground of the larger photo. That's exactly where your eyes and mind focused on and you immediately saw it, correct?

I show this to illustrate how the perspective of someone dealing with depression can be limited, absolutely overwhelming, and skewed. It is as if blinders have been put on, where only small portions of the world can be seen at any given moment. But since all is continuously spinning - much of the time out of control - what one may see as correct is actually upside down. And certainly does not contain the beauty and view of the entire scene. Life often appears as an immense obstacle which completely fills your view.

This limited "perspective" can be true for not only those living with depression... but for anyone who focuses so intently and entirely on a single portion of life. The grandeur of the whole cannot be seen, nor is it believed to even exist.

Life perspectives can improve... not overnight, not immediately, not without effort and a willingness to accept change. Taking time to write things down where they can be seen clearly has helped me (this blog being of great worth in that respect!!). No, I am not yet able to take in the entire beauty of the view offered. But the view is slowly expanding, and at least now I believe it to exist!
____________________________________________

Now on to other less dramatic, but important things...

In my last post, I promised to provide information about my recent Lasik surgery (aka: lasers directed at the eyeballs to improve vision). Which I find to be somewhat funny... if you look at any laser pointer (used for business, hunting, or taunting your pets making them chase a red dot) - they all say something like - "do not look directly into the laser" because it could cause eye damage. Huh?... so why don't we get very large machines, charge copious amounts of money, and tell people that their vision can be improved... by pointing lasers at their eyes!!

Let's just say that I highly recommend taking the Valium pill offered in the pre-surgery part. Nothing like things coming at your eyes to make one get all tense... but with the help of legal pharmaceuticals, that anxiety can be totally handled! I was also given a DVD recording of the whole procedure... haven't watched it yet. Am a bit unsure if I want to or not... at least not watching it alone!!

I still see the world in a somewhat skewed manner (what else is new?). Thanks to the old age need for bifocals (which I absolutely hated and was the impetus for surgery) - I now have what is technically called: "mono-vision"!!

Meaning that one eye (my right) is for seeing things close-up - like reading, computer, talking to friends. The other eye (my left) is for seeing things in the distance - like for driving. It is going to take some time for my brain to adjust to this change... but hopefully it should be used to changes in perspective.

Am already totally loving not wearing glasses (well, except for really cool sunglasses when driving). Only now I have nothing with which to hide the eye wrinkles, dark circles, and bags. Sigh... guess nothing in life is perfect - LOL!!

New eyes

Have you ever wanted to be able to see the world through "new eyes"? Discard the old and somewhat distorted way of seeing to discover a new, and hopefully better way? Casting off the smog and darkness of depression can truly offer a completely different view. The world is still the same - but the manner and viewpoint from which it is seen vastly changes, for the better! A wonderful surprise for me has been an actual enhancement of light and color in my surroundings!! Whoda thunk the world has beauty in it - and isn't just shades of grey and black?

I have had the wonderful experience and blessing of emerging from the shadows of depression - walking and seeing the world around me bathed in light! Not to say the shadows have completely disappeared... they will probably always be there, just over my shoulder... waiting for the chance to pounce and once again overwhelm. That is my burden to be aware of and to constantly guard against. I do this through things like...

• prayer, and embracing God's loving influence
• friendships (both near and far)
• remembering lessons learned in life
• utilizing tools and methods given through counseling, and reading
• and yes... for me there is also medication (among too many other things to list right now)

Did you know that everyone has three eyes? (and here you thought you only had just two... silly you!!). We all have physical, mental, and spiritual eyes from which we view ourselves and the world around. Depression for me seriously impacts that whole mental point of view... and can have a huge influence on the other two eyes as well (physical and spiritual). Each requires attention, to be done without neglecting the other two! It is a delicate balancing act... which brings to my weird mind a vision of someone juggling three eye"balls" in the air at once.

Announcement Time:

As of tomorrow I shall be seeing the world through new physical eyes! Yes, I am going under the knife urrr... make that laser...  and scary as it sounds... am having Lasik surgery! A ban on computers and reading is required for 24 to 48 hours afterwards - but I'll try to post something this weekend about the experience! Personally I think eyeballs are gross (but very necessary, and truly amazing).

So until I next enter the computer blogasphere in a few days... I bid thee all adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow (and hopefully worth it in the end!!).