Windows and doors

Nagoya Castle

I am lost
wondering why
crying inside
showing no one
holding a shield
hiding in dreams
grasping in midair
I fall
and weep
tears of salt
cleansing tears
tears of pain

---

Those words were written by me around 25 years ago in one of the very few journals I have ever kept. I was in my early 20’s and living in Japan at the time (not far from the castle pictured above). The other night I found that journal in a box, and started reading excerpts from it. Amazing how even though things change, they somehow manage to remain the same.

I didn’t know it then - but I had already been living with clinical depression for a number of years, at least since I was in my early to mid-teens. I say living with depression - but honestly there have been times when I was merely surviving and existing.

This is another poem I also discovered in that journal written so many years ago...

     I hold this shield firm before me.
     The shadow that it casts
     prevents others seeing my emotions.
     It is my brick curtain behind which I hide,
     and watch the world from the shadows.
     I am afraid of the dark.

     In my quiet refuge I sing off tune -
     finding sanctuary in the depths.
     Once I took this knife and parted my defense.
     I allowed torment in, now he is my constant companion.
     We will strengthen each other by holding my shield higher.

To some extent I still metaphorically attempt to hold a shield and build walls in an effort to protect myself... or perhaps to protect others from myself (not wanting to pull anyone into depression's darkness).

Walls are not necessarily bad - I live in a home that has walls and a roof. These are important features that offer protection from weather and unwanted intruders. But my home was also built with windows through which I can see out, and let light in... and there are doors providing the ability to leave, or even invite others inside.

Note to self:  when you recognize depression attempting the hoisting of shields or building of walls - do not forget the need for windows and doors. They can always be closed if necessary, but will provide a built-in alternative to isolating yourself in dark solitude.

I don’t seem to write poems anymore, I wonder why that is?
Hummmm... something to think about.

Invisible me

Many years ago I remember laying in bed at night, before drifting off to sleep, wishing that I had a broken arm or leg - something that others could physically see was wrong with me. I wanted someone, anyone, to "see" the pain I was in, and not accept my lies of healthiness. One of the frustrating things about depression, is that it is not a visible illness. Like others with invisible illnesses, I wanted someone to recognize and acknowledge my reality.

A clinically depressed person becomes very good at building walls, and using creative excuses to explain what is happening to them. They are in effect isolating themselves from others, because there is the feeling that you should not impose yourself on anyone else. Distorted thoughts tell you that by so doing you might drag that person into your world of darkness and somehow infect them. This is something not to be wished on anyone, and so the anguish continues in deafening silence. I am finally at a point where I can attempt to break the silence myself, and allow people a glimpse inside my walls.

Those self imposed walls do not easily allow others to come in. It takes a lot of courage and empathy - along with knowing that often resistance will be given - to break through the walls. Even if that contact of love and friendship is strongly desired, and appears to the depressed person as pure manna from heaven.

In my personal opinion, the worst of all things that plagues someone suffering from clinical depression is that... spiritual thoughts and strengths which offer guidance and comfort are gone. You long for the warmth of the Lord's Spirit, but because of depression are unable to feel it. Emotions felt are guilt and gloom, where reality becomes negative and distorted. Prayers often appear to go unanswered, bouncing off a very low ceiling.

Unable to recognize why the Spirit has seemingly abandoned you - then you start to think that God no longer loves you, and that depression is your punishment for all your apparent failures. You find it difficult to love yourself, so why should anyone, including God, love you. This falsely perceived spiritual abandonment appears to be evidence that you must have committed some sin, and are no longer considered to be worthy. Even though no memory of sins committed come to mind to prove your distorted hypothesis.

I recently read an ecclesiastical leader's perspective on depression that has helped me immensely, and gives me hope... "Guidance by and blessings of the Spirit are still given, but they may not be recognized. Ironically, at a time when the member [of the church] most needs to feel the presence of the Spirit and know that she is loved, depression injures the ability to feel this comfort. Without question, depression colors the perception of the member. Heavenly Father loves all his children, including those with depression, and he still answers their prayers. The presence and influence of the Holy Ghost can still direct their lives." (Reaching for Hope, an LDS perspective on recovering from depression, p131).

My prayers no longer bounce off a low hanging ceiling, I know that God is listening - even if I can't feel it in my heart the greater majority of the time. I have vivid and distinct memories to which I cling with my whole being - of times when I have been cradled in the arms of my Savior, and felt His love for me so real. I may not be able to feel heaven's love now - but I have felt it in the past, and this I cannot allow myself to ever forget. This is what gives me strength to hold fast to the iron rod, continue on, and not give up on life.