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| Nagoya Castle |
wondering why
crying inside
showing no one
holding a shield
hiding in dreams
grasping in midair
I fall
and weep
tears of salt
cleansing tears
tears of pain
Those words were written by me around 25 years ago in one of the very few journals I have ever kept. I was in my early 20’s and living in Japan at the time (not far from the castle pictured above). The other night I found that journal in a box, and started reading excerpts from it. Amazing how even though things change, they somehow manage to remain the same.
I didn’t know it then - but I had already been living with clinical depression for a number of years, at least since I was in my early to mid-teens. I say living with depression - but honestly there have been times when I was merely surviving and existing.
This is another poem I also discovered in that journal written so many years ago...
I hold this shield firm before me.
The shadow that it casts
prevents others seeing my emotions.
It is my brick curtain behind which I hide,
and watch the world from the shadows.
I am afraid of the dark.
In my quiet refuge I sing off tune -
finding sanctuary in the depths.
Once I took this knife and parted my defense.
I allowed torment in, now he is my constant companion.
We will strengthen each other by holding my shield higher.
To some extent I still metaphorically attempt to hold a shield and build walls in an effort to protect myself... or perhaps to protect others from myself (not wanting to pull anyone into depression's darkness).
Walls are not necessarily bad - I live in a home that has walls and a roof. These are important features that offer protection from weather and unwanted intruders. But my home was also built with windows through which I can see out, and let light in... and there are doors providing the ability to leave, or even invite others inside.
Note to self: when you recognize depression attempting the hoisting of shields or building of walls - do not forget the need for windows and doors. They can always be closed if necessary, but will provide a built-in alternative to isolating yourself in dark solitude.
I don’t seem to write poems anymore, I wonder why that is?
Hummmm... something to think about.
